unfinished product...

i wrote this poem a few months back.. i never finished it... i wasn't pleased with it...
what do u think??


i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?

cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away.
i try to hide it
but it comes back
BEFORE SUNSET.
and i
CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear you say sweet
lyrics from your
BEAUTIFUL MIND.

and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.
so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll
RETURN TO ME.
they keep saying i
should give this up...

but they
NEVER BEEN KISSED
by you.
and people SAY ANYTHING
they want to me
i know it's cause
they don't know how a
LOVE JONES
can be

like...WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you
and there was that day
u took my breath away...

but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath
i breathe hope
of a TRUE LOVE.

poetry

bet u thought that would hurt me
and i gotta admit
i entertained the thought
of letting ur intentions
live
but for once i'm realizing
you can't hurt me...
only i can

it's a decision

unavoidable hurt happens in life
like sickness
fear
death
but you?

naw.
nope.
go 'head n move on

replace me
ignore me
flaunt -it-up-in-my face.

but i'm good.

i love
(d)
support
(ed)
encourage
(d)
YOU

it's your loss...
and this time
it's not poor me,
but you.

postin up

hey guys...
i don't expect that i have readers anymore. which is probably a blessing...cause it gives me the chance to be more genuine, in that i don't have to consider who's reading.
i wanna have something to say...and there is much going on in my life. yet, i choose to be short with my words.

i'm in an introspective stage of life. lots of prayer and consideration and questions.
it's a good place to be tho.
i'm physically tired, working nights at the hospital, days at the office and being mommy every other minute. i'm grateful for my little ones. i'm working to get to the point i can work less and mommy more.

well i'm gonna sign off. God is good and no matter what else happens that is what's important to remember. stay lifted up everybody!
learn love,
chan

Something worthwhile to share....

I said I wouldn't blog any more...and that is the truth for now.
I just thought I'd share my testimony, that I posted on myspace too.
God is really good and He is my priority above all else...above the pleasures
of the world above the accolades and affirmation of others...Christ!


i was in a near fatal accident yesterday.it involved only one car and a severe tire blowout.when i woke up, the car was completely out of control and spinning from the highway into the median towards trees and oncoming traffic. the vehicle was moving at over 70 mph.i couldn't think, and i believed i was gonna die. i could feel my heart racing in my throat and i was anticipating it ending in oncoming traffic. i opened my mouth and without thinking out of my soul i screamed...the only word that mattered, over and over and over...."JESUS"on about its 3rd spin, the car stopped, on it's own...never hitting a tree or another car.the tires exploded. front end damage...and mud and grass all over it. BUT aside from a sore foot, and a busted lip (my son) we were NOT touched!God is faithful and I and my family are alive todaybecause of JESUS.


Proverbs 18:10 says -
"The NAME of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous run into it, and they are safe!!

"if i don't see u, good morning, good afternoon and goodnight"

i'm not going to be bloggin anymore ....at least not as of now.
so until i have something really pressing to share,
good morning, good afternoon and goodnight!
(i LOVE the Truman Show)

* feel free to check out my myspace or email me.

bad news and good news

hey
there is a whole bunch going on in my life. much of which i'm not a liberty to share...
but one major thing is that i recently found out my grandfather isn't doing too well. (remember a few months back i told you he had been diagnosed with cancer?)
i spoke to him yesterday and he tried to sound like everything was ok. we were supposed to see each other the end of july...but the trip got moved up to the end of this moth because he isn't geting better. that's my grandaddy ya'll...:( My only grandaddy!!
is spite of all that, i have hope in God.
also, i wanted to come thru and share that as of today June 2nd, i am an official Real Estate Salesperson!! Yippie!! I was worried and stressed and couldn't sleep before the exam. I didn't get to study like I hoped I would and all that...but God worked it out.
just thought i'd share. *insert big cheesy grin*
the kids are good...i love them so much, they truly are my world, they motivate me!

keep us in ur prayers!!

oh and i am officially addicted to myspace *sorry blogspot*
i am luving how all my cousins (far and near) are all hooked up and luvin on each other in
the cyber world. Bigmom would be proud ya'll (if she could imagine what myspace is)lol.
i luv yall soo much! God really has His hand on our family!!

All you blogger people my myspace page is
www.myspace.com/chanichew

luv u

JoJo's Carnival Party!

i tried to post some pix...but apparently it wasn't working. i tried to trouble shoot...but oh well. i can't figure out how to invite all u blogger people to view my ofoto album...does ne one know?
well anyway...we had a blast!

TODAY JONAH TURNED 4YRS OLD!!!

*LAWD I REMEMBER THIS DAY 4 YRS AGO!!!

i'm blessed to have him and all my kids. if u wanna c the pix lemme know and i'll email u the invite or send them thru yahoo messenger.

talk to u soon !

White men...the only real choice for succesful black women???

I got an email with this interview in it. I don't know if any of you have read it, but if it is authentic it is mind blowing. Still even if it isn't it made me think a whole lot! I mean, could she possibly really mean this? Is there any truth to what she is saying? Do the most successful black women begin to feel the need to be with white men?(Dorothy Dandridge, Halle Berry, Iman, Serena Williams, Tyra, etc...)
I know Trina and I have joked about finding a good white man who could take care of us...but is that the only option for the next level of relationship most black women desire?? hmmm???
There is much to be said here, but I'll reserve my comments until later, but please tell me what you think after reading the interview , oh and keep enjoying the weekend.

Subject: Serena Williams Interview

Ms. Williams we are all interested in your new boyfriend.

There is no new boyfriend . I stopped playing with boys when I stopped dating black guys. I have a new man in my life and yes, he's white.

So you prefer to date white men instead of black guys?

Let's be real. If you are a successful black female you only have two choices....date outside of your race or date other successful black females.

Are you saying there are no successful black men to date?

Of course not but lets face it, if Oprah would date outside of her race she would be married with children now. The state of most black men is so low the only thing you can do is love them. Like a poor homeless dog. You can't expect it to protect you. You can only offer shelter and love and watch as our neighbor's pit-bull protects his home and family. I, unlike Oprah, am not forced to stay within those boundaries. I was born into a new generation of black women.

So Oprah is being forced to date Stedman?

All I can say is when you find a successful black women who is not married and does not have children it is because they refuse to accept the two choices. Some may go as far as marriage to a black guy but they realize divorce is inevitable so they do not have children. Or they have children with one and don't marry in order to preserve their wealth and good credit. Oprah is one of many who silently protests being stuck with such poor choices by refusing to marry and reproduce but you can see how much it hurts her. She's always giving away money to children's charities. I hope she makes the choice to marry a non-black soon so she can have a child of her own.

But you have decided to accept the two choices?

Yes. I grew up in California around the two extremes of wealth. If I could only get myself t o try the bisexual thing I would have been much happier in my relationships. Instead I dated black men. I loved many of them but they were just not suitable for marriage. Many of them were raised by women and had warped mentalities. So I finally had to date outside my race. When I moved to Miami, I accepted my status and dated men on my level.

What do you mean by warped mentalities?

Well, where do I begin? Many of them were raised predominantly by women and had this feminine/bisexual complex. Where they wanted to be treated like a female sometimes. For example, I would have the money & they would have the sex. I would teach them things. You know, all the things a woman likes a man to do, I would end up doing for them. Then if we would get into an argument, there would be a role reversal. All of a sudden, they would be the man wanting the respect of a king in his castle. Black men over the years have become less and less of value to black women both rich and poor. I predict in 10 years they will be obsolete. Now they serve little to no function and what little they can do, they don't want to do.

Why 10 years?

That's when going to a fertility clinic to get impregnated by a sperm donor will become as common and accessible as the flu shot. Women who want sex will do it with whoever they want (girl, guy, rich, poor, white ,black) and go to the bank (the sperm bank) when they are ready to have children. Even those who waited (like Oprah) will have fertilized eggs placed inVitro. That's the day the secret organization of women is waiting for. The day when men are 100% dis-empowered.

Are you apart of that organization?

No. They're a mostly white group. Plus that day for black men is practically here already. Black women are already raising 75% of the black population without a man. When fertility clinics become! e more affordable Black women will be standing in line. It will be just like plastic surgery. Everyone laughed at Michael Jackson but its becoming so popular now, that even poor blacks are getting work done...mostly breast reductions and liposuction.

So do you want men to be dis-empowered?

Heck, no! That's why I am with a white man now. I want a man to be a man and I am not going to settle for less just to stay within racial boundaries. A Black man in my position wouldn't do it so why should I. Don't get me wrong, I love black men. My father is black, I have dated black men all my life, and if I have a male child he will be part black. But my husband and I will raise him together so hopefully he will be a worthy choice for a worthy black female. Not the only choice, or "there's nothing better out there so I'll settle for this" choice. When you are successful you want the best. The best food, clothes, places to live etc. I want the best man also.

And you think the best man is a non-black man?

I think if there's a better choice for me, God would have shown me. I am in the public so I get to meet lots of people from all over the world athletes, Celebs etc. I am wealthy so I am invited and have traveled to the most prestigious events all over the world. Out of all those people, places and events....I had to choose the right man for me. Like it or not (with very few exceptions) a white man is the only real choice for a successful black female

Peace, Fun & Time and a Half

things are looking up...
i'm happy me and my gurl are kool!!! friday my school is over and I take my final exam,
*biting my finger nails* I'm hoping for the best!
I'm also so excited about Memorial Day because the kids are off and my baby boy's birthday is May 31! Not to mention I'm working Sunday night which counts as the holiday! *cheering*
(somebody say holiday pay...babayyyy!...lol) and STILL be off Monday. lol (get wit it!)

speaking of which this weekend I am throwing him a Carnival Birthday Party.
Folx are gonna think I'm crazy...but, how long are your kids little?
I appreciate my kids so much now.
I feel like a sure 'nuff momma. I mean, I always loved them but didn't quite know how to appreciate them until the last 3 years. Growing up has taught me a lot, growing closer to God has challenged me mostly to be a good mother and probably losing my mother has made me always consider what legacy I'll leave my children when I'm gone. Spiritually first, but materially as well.
all that to say...we're gonna have fun and create memories while today is here,
u heard?
n e way, we are having a 15ft moon bounce, a person dressed as a "hobo clown", cotton candy, popcorn, games and face painting and I might be more excited then the kids. I done spent a month buying prizes...we counted last night and we have 55 prizes!
(dollar store and walmart, girrrl get on it!)
and the prizes are better than chuckie cheeses sorry prizes. you'll get two stickers for 500 tickets! humph! pishposh on that! lol
*ur girl is the queen of bargains and event planning...look out 4 tha pix!

So n e way, in the event that i'm too busy to check back in with you...have a WONDERFUL and BLESSED and mostly FUN Memorial Day Weekend.
ya'll know I luv u!

Hey there...

There is some real highschool azz stuff going on in my life right now. But, I'm a bigger girl than all of it...so as much as it has frustrated me, I'm moving on. Que sera sera, u know?

On a happy note, I am halfway done my class and I will be taking my state exam the week after next! So pray for me, I'm sure it'll be fine. I decided to go to this class because a series of events turned me in this direction. I had not previously planned to do it. But my past 5 classes have sparked something in me, that I wasn't sure was there. I'm excited about the prospects.
I have an opportunity to work in a nonprofit organization as part of the leadership for a commmunity homeownership program. It's awesome.

Other than that stuff, things are good. I actually had a BEAUTIFUL mother's day. Much of my family, including a cousin from North Dakota and his new baby, as well as my brother and the twins were there. Also two old friends surprised my brother and I and showed up...that made my night. I smiled and laughed all day and night. It was just a very loving day. I won gift basket at church for being the youngest mother in tha building. :)
Then I sat and kissed and hugged my nephews the rest of the day.
It was nice just being around the people that I love!


Side note *** I am SO happy Danielle won America's Next Top Model!!!
I thought the black girl streak was over...lol. But I'm glad it ain't.
If they woulda chose Jade and her strong looking self I was gonna be hott!!
Then I'd have to wonder if you had to look like a sister of Naima, Eva, and Jade to win?? But Danielle is beautiful and she deserved it!! What do u think about it? ***Side note end

Alright ya'll.

It's gon' b alrite

You ever had one of those moments when everything in your world just collides?
well that happened to me this past weekend.
Saturday, I had had a beautiful day spending time with my fam and friends at a cook out...
Towards the end of the day, when I shoulda been relaxing I was feelin my stress levels rising.

My kids were at the movies with my church youth ministry and I was trying to get a hold of my girl Trina to find out some pertinent info about a party we were invited to. My cell phone was off and that was stressful enuf. Every time I saw someone with a phone I tried to grab it to call her...when I finally reached her she had an attitude 'cause I wanted to know how to get there and how long it would be (since i had to get my kids, i knew i'd be late) so after hearing her fuss...the stress increased more. So I decided not to go.
On top of that, I wanted badly to spend time with my "boyfriend" and he promised that we would. However, after I picked up the kids from the church, dropped off someone and was on my way home it was about 10pm and he had NOT contacted me. When I called him, he didn't answer.I didn't wanna go out or anything...I just wanted to be with him and tell him how I was feeling. It was the day before mother's day and I was missing my mom so much.

My ride home was solemn. The kids had been tired out, so they were all sleep. And the radio was quiet, it was a full moon...all I could hear were my thoughts. I felt the tears in my eyes but I was still determined NOT to cry. It might seem like nothing but to me... it was overwhelming.
I thought about the people in my life, who I thought would be there forever but won't. I thought about the disappointment of being taken advantage of and not valued, I thought about so many things and of course missing my mother.
Once I got home, I tossed and turned in the bed until I fell asleep only to be awakened by a 1:30 am phone call from the man I was waiting to hear from.
He had no excuse or explanation...in fact somehow it was my fault that we weren't gonna see each other.I felt fire in my gut...even in my sleepy state. I hung up.

Life is full of a whole bunch of ups and downs...but those tears that were welling up seemed to be telling me something...like it's gonna be okay. Don't they say that the endorphines released when you cry help comfort and heal? Well, I don't know...but I know that a lot of the things I was thinking about still occur to me and hurt. But I know it's gon' be alrite.

*ps..I wanted to tell my best friend Greg thank you for ALWAYS being there 4 me.
Thank u 4 encouraging me last nite. i luv u.

Dear Mommy

I've been trying to get to you for the last coupla hours and finally the day is calm enough that I can sit down and write a letter to you. Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa,
I long for you.
I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...
but I won't do that.
Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...
Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.
More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.
I miss you so much...
I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)
And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.
I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows.
I miss that.
You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.
I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.
I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.

I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you. No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...
Who'll ever love me like that?
I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.
Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.
But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long. Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.
I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.
I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.
I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.

Chandra

Making Moves!!

Hey there peoples!!
it's been a long time, i shouldn'ta left u.... (alrite that's corny)
But n e way, how u been??
I think it's been blog hiatus season as a couple of my good blog friends have been blogging a lot less, it's spring fever or something...I got it!

So let's see, what's going on?? Me? still hitting the gym and I promise to post new pix but maybe now, not until the first week of june. I felt like I wasn't losing, but a recent weigh in made me smile!!! It's working...phew!

The kids are doing good and Jonah will be 4 this month (did I tell u that?) and I'm throwing him a carnival party!! I'm so excited! I can't even tell u...hit me up if u want an evite. We are gonna have at least 7 games, and a craft table, a prize table and a face painting station...
We're having hotdogs, cotton candy, and pop corn....and I think a clown on stilts..lol
The kids r gonna be scurred...why do we get clowns? Kids DON'T like them!

Also, I am starting real estate class next week, Trina is gonna be taking the classes with me. It is a two week course. Getting into real estate has always been a long term goal, but let me tell you how God has truly been ordering my steps and I'm going strictly because of His guidance...it was never in MY plan. So it is another exciting chapter in my life. side note: TTD...girl, you really should try a good revival. If you go expecting you will come away changed and empowered!

Speaking of which, church has been wonderful...but on another level. I don't know..maybe it's me. Someone asked me to sing that song Yesterday by Mary Mary in July...
I thought that was great...When I first heard that song,
I said to myself "One day I might have that kind of vocal range!" Them girls be sangin!!
So I'm praying on that.

Well...everything else is kool. I just got involved in another business venture too. :)
A sista got her hand in a little of everything. lol. The business is called Fortune High-Tech Marketing, it's a pretty lucrative endeavor and I'ma work it a little sumthing.
If you're interested in finding out about it you can by attending a tele-conference:

The conference is Wednesday May 10th @ 10:00pm (sharp)
If you have a computer with internet access you need to go to
http://Presenternet.com
Click on ATTEND A PRESENTATION
The room name: AKINYELA
password : 12345
enter your name
THEN CALL 641-920-3223
AND LISTEN IN...THAT'S IT.

If you don't have internet access at home, that's ok....
just call 219-990-6983
AND LISTEN IN!
Lemme know what u think...my business website is http://fhtmus.com/chandra_b_1999

I'll be around, I miss ya'll!!

Just saying hello...

I haven't had much time to blog...
I have been really busy and trying to get things in order here in my life.
I'm still working out and tryna get this weight off of me.

My church is currently in revival and yesterday was the first day
it really was wonderful and the message really challenged me.
I was able to pray with my friend who has been depressed and feeling unloved and I was able to take the time out to talk with her and pray with her...and that really blessed me.

Otherwise everything is good with me...I hope all you in blogland are doing good...
writing funny posts, tagging folx and the whole nine.
I'll be back shortly.

smooches!!

When it rains...

The sun is coming out now...after two days of dreariness and rain.
They say the rain is good...the earth needs it....it's cleansing.
Good sleeping weather and weather to cuddle with your beloved.
I prefer the sun tho. It just lifts my spirits and makes me wanna go out, clean,
shop, workout, something lively and exciting. I understand that I have to accept the rain tho.

My morning was filled with tension. Last night I engulfed myself in each moment I was awake...I was with someone I love so much. I just took in the seconds of pleasure....the way it felt to be near him, to hear him breathe,his scent, the way all concious thought just faded into mindless bliss. As our time drew to an end...I started feeling that tugging in my gut, that I hate to recognize.That feeling that says, "this isn't it."

I remember when I was in school...grade school and highschool, I used to write my name with the object of my affection's last name behind it. Practiced my signature...even our future children's name...
It seems so silly now.
Except on many occassions, I imagine him standing at the alter...waiting for me.
I picture how I'll paint the walls in the bedroom for his sons. (so they feel at home)
He told me I had the kinda fingers he wanted to put a ring on...
The red flags have been waving since the onset but the benefit of the doubt has had veto power.So...here I am.
Absolutely enamored with him, yet painfully aware that neither of us is fully
commited to the other. Altho in my heart...I want to be.

Well anyway...church was good today. It was a needed change of venue since I woke up this morning with a tension headache. So I'm feeling better...I need some quiet time with God. I need to refocus on a whole lot and I think I might need to scream into my pillow tonite...and I'll be just fine. :)

back to blogging

ok...what tha hizzi...i'll post sumthing or other.

I was just reading a few blogs, and well...
I don't know what's going on in this world. whew!
For one thing, I'm an awfully "dry" blogger compared to some of this other salacious stuff...
I came across some chiks blog..and she had some naked pix on it. B4 I could hit the X or the back arrow my male cousin and ex almost knocked me over tryna get to the computer.
They was like.."scroll down!...who she?....you know her?" and so on.... *SMH* lawd have mercy...

'haven't said much about my "dating" life...and let's just say the saga continues.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love two men ya'll.
For two different reasons, in two different ways.
SHUT UP. I don't wanna hear all the this and the that....
They both know how I feel.
Chances are tho, I'm gonna end up with out either of them.
I'm prepared for that, altho one has outright said he ain't going no where...
and well the other one is acting like it.
How I'ma call him and tell him it's over...and he call me the next morning like,
"Hey baby?"
What's a girl to do?....Prolly not post this blog, or at least hope they don't read it. Ah, well

As for more important things...I went to see my nephews in Maryland...and I swear to you that I held them little boys for about 5 hours...
And even when I gave them back I felt like, "NOOOOO!!! I can still hold them"
Ugh! I called my daddy and whispered to him,
"I'ma smuggle them out when C and H aren't lokin." lol
He laughed at me. I am so in love...I musta kissed away all their kisses...They were like, "AUNTIE!!! ENUF ALREADY!!!"
All I could think about was, when I'ma see them again?? I haven't felt like this...
well, since I had my own. I'm so happy they are home and healthy. God really is good.

My kids are good too. It's their spring break tho and I'm bout to lose my mind!!!
SCHOOOL.....PLEEEASSSEE.....COME BACK TO ME!!!
Listen, whoever created school was a dag on genius!!
I'm telling u, my kids are gonna be in some sorta summer school/camp too...sumthing!
I'm not playing. I used to suffer thru being a single mom of 4 non-school aged kids...
But no more...and NEVER again!!!
*praise break* Hallelujah!

On a pitiful note,
I been feeling extra fat this past week. Just like ugh, blah!
This is definitely one of those weeks u wanna just run away and fall off the
weight loss train..lol. I'm tryna hang in there...I gotta get these kids back to school...
they messin me all up!!!(excuses)

So that's what's going on with me...just a blog about nothing.

hmmm... that's it!
EUREKA! (lol...EUR-FRICKIN-REEKA)
This is a seinfeld-esqe blog.

Whadda u know? I done found my niche! (he,he,he)

Oh yeah, I was tagged

My girl ova here tagged me and I just been busy and haven't gotten around to responding. Forgive me girl, u know I "luv" u...lol
So...

Ten Characteristics of MY "perfect" MAN

• Believer and Follower of Jesus Christ
• Independent (Steadfast)
• Sober
• Honest (Faithful)
• Attentive
• Financially secure
• Drives legally (you wouldn't believe how many times this is an issue..lol)
• Owns something (a car, a home...something)
• Intelligent (Articulate)
• Loves Children and/or has some of his own

**************************************************************************************************

Hello my name is..."Chan"

I was raised in...New Jer"usalem"

The reason you are reading about me is...who knows?

Right Now I'm working on...fitting my favorite jeans again

A project that is due tomorrow...easter baskets (that's fun tho)

The first thing I do in the morning is...either leave work or roll over

The last thing I do at Night is...either work or call my "boo"

My Momma always said..."This too will pass."

I love it when people...are genuine

I hate it when people...are jerks, liars or phony

If you ever see me walking down the street ask me about...my kids

This one time at band camp I...almost passed out after doing our routine over and over with little water in 85 degree heat.(my mom wouldn't let me quit)

You see this scar? I got this when I...fell out tha window (loong story)

My notable run-in with the law...getting arrested 2x (for traffic warrants...lol)

The last time I swore I'd never drink was after...riding away with strangers.

(don't ask....and SHUT UP Kataylor & Officer Carter)

Future Projects and Plans...ministry, real estate, event planning, marriage

And before I leave I'd like to give a shout out to...Everyone who reads my blog.

I'm tagging...Anyone who wants to do it!

Holiday Drama

Getting all ready for Easter and Spring Break and loving it.

I had some drama the other night. Since the two men that it involves may read this I'm not gonna say too much. But I tell you, I really felt like an innocent bystander...although both of them were responding to feelings about me.
I guess there were some mixed signals sent on my part...I don't know.
I tried to be more clear with both of them this time, hopefully they hear me.
People only hear what they wanna hear anyway (including me)
I learned that the hard way. Ugh, why can't stuff ever be simple?

Other than that things are good. My nephew Christopher will be leaving the hospital this weekend and you KNOW I'm on my way to Maryland. :) *clapping*
The kids are having an Easter Egg hunt tommorow at school and they are all happy. I remember those days, parties at school were the best...

If I don't come back thru til after the holiday, HAVE A BLESSED EASTER!!

Hi ya'll

i know i've been away for a while, but i decided to check back in with you.
it's hard to put in to words all that's going on in my life right now. although it is mostly an internal thing...lots of spiritual and emotional and physical transition going on.
as for blogging, i think i was beginning to get too carried away with approval.
i maybe didn't show it much, but there was always a struggle between writing about the stuff bloggers wanna read about, or just have an honest expression of who i am.
i know what it should be..but if bloggers are honest, we all consider our readers when typing away.

Anyway, I hosted a baby shower on saturday. It was at a local golf course. I was running around like a chicken with no head. LOL. For 48 hrs b4 the shower I was doing favors, I did about 50 of them. Filled them with candy, wrapped the tulle, tied ribbons and a tag on each one. Then I cooked italian meatballs...(which a guy later told me were "wacking"...it's a good thing) and I made a beef, tomato and cheese taco dip, I made 48 cupcakes (for a game) 4 of them had plastic babies in them. Those four people won a prize. I filled up a big baby bottle with gumballs..for a guess how many gumballs contest....hmm...among other things. I got to the place early to decorate and so on...lol, i had on high heels moving tables and chairs and putting up banners and the like...then after all that I ran the shower, the ice breaker, the games and so on. I was tired after that. My calves and my thighs have not yet recovered...ugh! I was rubbing them down with that pain reliever stuff last night.
But it was all so worth it, when my girl hugged me and thanked me...And several of the attendees (that I didn't know) told me that I did a wonderful job. :)

on another note,i'm starving. i couldn't figure out what i was feeling when i woke up...but after a series of elimination, i figured it's hunger that i'm experiencing. normally, i'd be at the gym by now, but this hunger was so crippling i had to wait. i'm not a big breakfast eater, but i think yogurt might trick my body into thinking i actually ate. maybe a carnation instant (yuck) breakfast. i have some downstairs and it'll definitely make this feeling go away...hmmm...
ne way, today at my gym is the weigh in for a 6 week weight loss challenge. so I entered the joint. there are 3 pots of money up for grabs, and I totally intend on grabbing one (lol)
the weigh back is May 22...so I'll let u know what's up.

i'm actually very excited about EASTER or as i like to call it, Resurrection Day...
which by the way, why is it that only christian holy days have been turned into, like, national days of fun?? santa claus and toys, easter bunny and candy....*smh*
any who...moving on.
i'm excited. i love the season. the reminder that Jesus was so devoted to me that he purposely died at calvary. (oh boy there goes the readers...lol) but honestly, i am grateful, and i am challenged about my devotion to HIM.

i haven't sung in the choir for a while, until recently. i recommited and have been singing ever since. i think naturally, i'm a leader and a soloist. BUT, i'm not pushy (altho i can be) i'm really careful about that, especially because i'm the pastor's daughter. so i just fall back...do my part and chill. well, a few sundays ago i was in the congregation. singing during communion. (everybody sings) and a lady from the choir was in front of me. after service she grabbed me and said after hearing me, she had a song she wanted me to sing on Easter. i thought that was nice of her to ask me. when you sing...you always want to. i mean, i love every opportunity i'm given. but i learned that i don't have to force any one to notice me...that promotion and noteriety really comes from God. i guess it's a small example, but never the less.

i have a praise report!!!! my nephew Jeremiah is home!!!! yippie!! Christopher isn't home yet, but he is out of the isolette and gaining weight. He's on his way out too...just thought i'd share. I heard Jeremiah drinking his bottle over the phone and i just cried. lol. small victories.i know it sounds corny, but i count my blessings. :)

well i guess that's about all....
love ya'll and i'll catch up wit u again real soon!

Hey
I figured I'd write a real post. After re reading my last two posts I had to laugh to myself.
I realize that they reflect opposites in the realm of emotions...and back to back. You folx are probably thinking...What's going on with her?? lol
But while all the things I write are inspired by my life...it's not always that deep. My dad always reminds me that feelings are like traffic lights, if you stay still long enough they'll change. :)
So that is what you see reflected in my poems.
The thing about emotions is just that. They are valid, they make me human...but they can't be in total control...you know?

Anyway, I haven't mentioned much about my weight loss kick, but that's mainly because I'm busy trying to do it. :) Don't want you to think I've given up...I'm working on it. Trying to hit the gym at least 4x a week. Portion control is everything...cause no carbs is not for me. I did cut all sodas and juices. I do eat fruit tho, and plenty of water.... So, let's just see.
In terms of weight loss I haven't been weighed again yet but I think I get weighed soon
(I gotta check) But I'm not as interested in the number yet, as I am with how I'm feeling.
But as I said, I'll keep you posted.

My nephews are doing well! One is no longer in the ICU, but they are both still hospitalized. They are on feeding tubes, but are taking the bottle too. They are maintaining their temp (which is real important) and we are believing God that they'll be coming home soon. I'm praying they are home by spring break, so I can go spoil them for a week. Yippie!!

I used to wonder why people just up and stopped blogging. Yesterday I felt why. I can't explain it, but I felt it. That feeling of ..."ah, nevermind."
I'm not gonna stop blogging yet...but I have felt somewhat of a disconnect from the blogging world. If it wasn't for the therapy of logging my thoughts, experiences, and other such stuff...
I'd probably be done with it.

Well, just checking in. Talking a whole bunch about nuffin. lol

Ciao...for now