Sunday, August 28, 2005

What Women Want:Where Do The Good Guys Fit In?

This is an article I wrote for a magazine...it's copywritten (so watch it) But please read and tell me what you think!! Thanx

What Women Want: Where Do The Good Guys Fit In?


It used to be that most women would say they wanted similar things in a mate. They would mention honesty, work ethic, and love. A remnant of women would say they wanted a spiritual man. While others petitioned for a romantic, with a good sense of humor. In most cases higher levels of education and career were considered icing on the cake.
Now-a-days, women’s desires have seemingly changed. Destiny’s Child gives voice to a common urban female groaning. “I need a soldier” they chant, “he better be street if he’s looking at me.” When I first heard it, I couldn’t help but shake my thang. I was entranced by the addictive mix of bass and melody. Still I wouldn’t call it my “anthem” by far. Ah, but it seems I am in somewhat of a minority concerning this. It might blow your mind how many woman I have talked to or have heard saying, and meaning exactly the sentiments expressed in DC’s song. Then, it may not because the song personifies attitudes that many women have carried for years.


I have to admit that at one point I was, and even still occasionally am drawn to the aura of a the thug or “soldier.” According to the Destiny’s Child song a soldier, needs to dress fly, have a nice car, and street respect, know how to make money, be able to put it down in the bedroom, and not be afraid to stand up for his woman. It all sounds desirable, but there are some major factors missing. While “chiefing” is referred to in the song, the true negative side of “thug life” isn’t discussed.

The reality of the situation is that most men who live the “street” life bring more heartache than bliss. Statistically with street life comes drug use and/or trafficking, baby mamas, abuse, lying, fighting, running from the law, jail and even death. No woman I know that is wrapped up in any of these things is happy. Typically, as with DC’s song, the videos and just about everything else in life, idealism isn’t linked with reality. This is unfortunate because many young women fall into its trap and never get out.

When stripped down, what women desire is innate. That is, naturally women simply want to be loved, respected, protected, and provided for. Why then, you may ask, do so many woman crave thugs? Well, ideally guys who are considered “street” are respected, aren’t afraid and are capable of protecting, and providing for their women. Of course this isn’t to say that there aren’t still women who are just ghetto minded, and won’t be happy unless there is drama or they’re getting bust in the head. Still this type of woman is the exception and not the rule.

I have heard so many good men express frustration, because they are often overlooked. The good guys are mostly categorized as “friends” or even or viewed as a-sexual. Considering this there is no wonder why the men who have escaped street life, have gone to college, or move up in the world abandon ship.

Particularly in the black community, black men who aren’t ruffians often feel out of place. These same men many times feel more accepted by women of other ethnicities. And this to the head shaking, eye rolling, tongue sucking dismay of many black women. The only remedy here is understanding. Women must first understand what it is they truly long for and the frustration of the "good guys." Similarly, men have to understand that within every woman (whether she admits it or not) is the need to be properly loved and mostly taken care of. The good men must convey that they are not punks, will provide, can hold their own in the bedroom, and will treat their woman right.

Nothing is guaranteed but I imagine if enough of us could move our thinking forward and reach toward true understanding of the opposite sex, there just might be a revolution. Who knows maybe the next R& B hit will be, Where Da Good Guys At? (lol). . . You never know

Self Respect (a poem)

Shook my head
in dismay at this chick
who I knew shoulda knew betta
Throwin herself at him
up on him like a sweater.

She kept calling
tried waiting for him to ring her
eyeing the phone
she'd jump and breathe deep
at a vibrating cellular. . .

Hello?...
Tryna sound sexy
(not in desperation)
Heart in her throat...
Disappointment returned her salutation.

I'm watchin her
and thinkin to myself,

girl you better pull it together
make him want you
act like he don't matter

But you tell me
you love him
and I can understand
but what about you
love yourself, before a man

With that, I turned away
the mirror to my back
faced the shame, wiped the tears

and grabbed some SELF RESPECT.


C.Betner
copyright 2005
All Rights Reserved







Thursday, August 25, 2005

a LOVE just for me

I'm going thru something and what good is a blog if I can't write about it...I'm probably risking embarrasment and sounding corny but oh well.

It's probably no surprise but I'm in love...on top of everything else that is upside down right now in my life. What makes matters worst is that my "relationship" with him isn't working. I believe that he wants to be with me, but fear and self-doubt has paralyzed him. That, along with the fact that he is being spiritually transformed. The sad thing is that he is linked with a church that leads him to believe that if he messes up he can lose his salvation...that God's grace isn't sufficient. That we can in some way make our selves holy by the the things we do and don't do and by the company we keep. This is a true misgiving, being as though the Bible says that our righteousness (on our absolute best day) is as filthy rags. Rags, in the original translation, being cloths used by women on their period. I'd say clearly then, that there is nothing we can do to earn salvation or holiness. He often quotes a scripture about "working out [our] salvation with fear and trembling".
But I say, later for isolating scriptures, compare scripture with scripture and hear from God. What is baffiling to me is how he goes back and forth between the "world" and trying to live right...and continues to struggle (no different from many believers) but truly believes He is unsaved. This baffles me because that struggle, that constant tugging by the Holy Spirit is reserved for believers. What's more is that because I believe salvation is a gift that we can not lose, that it is sealed in heavenly places, he thinks we are unequally yoked (of all things).

It makes me sad because I truly love him, it makes me sad because I want him to know the loving, kind, and merciful nature of God. And I want him to understand that I know that even in that, there is no compromise in God and that sin will seperate us from Him. Still, the Bible says that for the believer there is NO CONDEMNATION.

Aside from this, which I believe is just another thing he tries use to keep from moving forward in a relationship is the fact that he always expresses fear that I will let him down like every other woman. His absolute disbelief that I could love him seperate from lust or some selfish motivations. Which is mind blowing considering our relationship was never truly a sexual one. He goes back and forth with verbalizing his desire to develop a relationship with me and why if we did it couldn't last. So it is quite disheartening for me, one who is willing to take risks, who loves unconditionally, a hopeless romantic, who longs for a mate that knows how to love the Lord, me , and my children.

So I got caught up in his potential. I never forced my kids on him. But, when I wasn't around He reached out to them. Better, they reached out to each other. I saw him smile at little things my babies did or said, instead of looking disinterested or even silently disgusted. He insisted on opening doors for me, he watched movie after movie with me, spent days and nights with us, he cooked for me, was respectful in my home to my fam, and kids. He would hold my hands, rub my feet, offer pedicures. . .he kissed me on my cheek, he smiled at me, invited me into his world, introduced me to his fam and friends, he listened to me, and talked to me, all with out the need or pressure for sex. Is it no wonder why I both fell and made a decision to love him?

I spoke to him the other day for hours, and we played with the ideas of moving on, both together and apart. It was then that I knew...whether I love him or not, we both had decisions to make. I decided it is not my job to convince him, or to change his uncertainty. He has to decide whether to choose me, with all the vunerability of loving or the safety of being alone, going from woman to woman...and perhaps missing the love God intended for him to experience.

I am by no means deluded. That is, I know that neither he or any man is my be all end all. But it is true that I love him. But above all I love God. I believe that the Lord has someone especially for me. That is why through the pain of loving someone and not seeing things develop as I wish, I can back away, wait, and hope.
Knowing that ultimately...I will have the love I long for, a love just for me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

In the meantime...

There are so many things that I am waiting for...
I'm waiting for that perfect job, to buy a house and new car, waiting for a partner, waiting for my change to come. The hardest part of waiting is trying to figure out what to do in the meantime.
I have found myself doing a lot of thinking, imagining, planning, wondering, and occassionally worrying. Worrying is my biggest problem, because it is the antethesis of faith. I'm supposed to be believing that God has ordered my steps and this is just a time of preparation for what's next. So I suppose that is the answer to my in the meantime....prepare.

When I evaluate the situation, there are many things that I wanna do in preparation. I've decided to spend some more time seeking God in His word and in prayer. Also I'm doing a lot of writing for a book that I began a few months back, I'm working on my temple, starting a new skin regimine,drinking a lot of water, and making better food choices. I'm honing my skills in cooking and organization...as well as singing and writing. I'm spending time with my children and learning more about them, what they like, what they are good at, and what they want. I'm looking into graduate school and even considering going all the way to my Phd, something I never really considered before. I'm getting my finances straight so that I will be debt free in a month and will be able to purchase a home and perhaps an investment property as well. I'd like to live in Delaware, but I am open to Maryland, Georgia, or whereever God leads. I'm also spending time with my brother trying to develop a few songs so we can put them down in the studio and allow our gifts to make room for us. . .

I know there are things that I'd like to see happen right away, but I'm still trying to wait on God. But I vow to have a productive and meaningful. . .in the meantime.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

MY MEME

TEN YEARS AGO: I was getting ready to turn 15. I had a little boyfriend and was getting ready to be a high school sophomore. I was carefree, having fun, being spoiled by my parents. I had no way of knowing that the coming year would be a mix of extreme highs and lows. I went to the prom, I found out cancer resurfaced in my mother's body, I moved from my home to a smaller crib to get ready to move to California, I had an amazing sweet sixteen party, and my mother died.

FIVE YEARS AGO: I got married, and had twins. I thought it was going to last forever. I had a home, money and the most sucessful semester in college. I guess it's good that we can't see in to the future. I was happy five years ago.

ONE YEAR AGO: I began my last semester of college. I was unsure what would happen next. Nothing spectacular was happening. I had finally gotten used to being single, being a mom, working and going to school.

YESTERDAY: I didn't do anything. I just chilled, laid around, watched tv. I didn't even talk on the phone, and if you know me you know that's awfully other..lol

TODAY: I sent out a few resumes and did some more chillin..lol...I'm on vacation, whadda u want?

TOMMOROW: I'm going home to jersey. I have a close friend who is missing. I haven't blogged about it because it is emotional. Anyway no one has heard from him, his fam or friends. So we're supposed to do some searching tommorow. I'm dreading it.

FIVE SNACKS I ENJOY: OMG! I love Taquitos, slim jims, swedish fish, air heads...cheeze its too sometimes.

FIVE BANDS: Destiny's Child (no surprise there, I'm sure),Black Eyed Peas,Trinity 5:7,MaryMary, and Pretty Ricky...(sike, how can a group be named pretty ricky? sheesh)

FIVE PLACES I"D LOVE TO RUN AWAY TO: Madrid, The Caribbean (any island), Paris, Clear Water Florida, and Big Mom's house.

FIVE BAD HABITS: Picking at my fingernails, spraying bleach cleaner on everything,falling in love, procratinating, trusting too soon

FIVE THINGS I LIKE DOING: singing, reading, cooking, shopping, and watching movies with loved ones

FIVE THINGS I"D NEVER WEAR: leather pants, corduroy overalls, net anything, suspenders, and yellow timberlands

FIVE SHOWS I LIKE: My wife and kids, Home Delivery, Family Guy, The Chappelle Show, and Trading Spaces

FIVE MOVIES I LIKE: Annie, The Five Heartbeats, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Color Purple, and Guess Who

FIVE FAMOUSE PEOPLE I"D LIKE TO MEET: Beyonce (i know ya'll knew that),Paula White,D'angelo, Aaliyah ( if i could), ummm...no one else stands out

FIVE BIGGEST JOYS AT THIS MOMENT: Elijah, Micah, Amayah, Jonah, and being able to chill

FIVE FAVORITE TOYS: my cell phone, my hello kitty pillow, hmm.....of course my pc. I guess that's all.

Alright..I wasn't tagged, but I wanted to do this thing anyway. but I'll tag Chris, Herina, Tilina, and Jay....can't wait to read your meme....i put all my boring and private stuff on here. Now it's ur turn....

Thanx 4 reading....oh I have a coming entry for yall about how America is tryna sell blackness in a bottle (literally) stay tuned!! COMMENT,COMMENT,COMMENT!

smooches!



Wednesday, August 17, 2005

what's in a (GHETTO) name?

i was on the phone with a newly made buddy last night. i guess he decided to probe me and engaged me in conversation about "ghetto" names ie: Shaquanda, Rashida, and Rakim. So I proceed to express my disdain for such names, and he immmediately takes in to me about how I and other Bill Cosby thinkin-suburbanite-uppity nigros think. He assumed from my feelings about such names that I thought down on the people and culture those names typically represent. man ol' man. so when i could finally get him quiet i made my argument...tell me what u think.(this is not to be offensive to those with such names)


1. he argued that names like Shaquanda, and Jabari come from the continent of Africa. Therefore we should take these types of names as to not conceed to white America.

  • my rebuttal: while this may be true, these names are often not chosen for these enlightened reasons. Most times young girls just like how they sound or think the name would be cute in some gold hoop earrings. why do i say this? 'cause there are tons of beautiful african names that the same people who name thier kids names like Raqshiqaniqua would never consider...for example, how many Dacia, Adanna,Adjatay or Mashudus do you know in the hood?? Not to mention, we are not from Africa. Sorry to say it, but we're from here. Sure we have African roots,but I don't even know what part of Africa my people came from...African names are often associated more with one country than another...not just continental

2. he insisted that using such continental names would instill a sense of self pride and heritage in our children.

  • my question: But at what expense? When discussing names that betray race just by hearing them...you may very well be adding to the strikes against your black child. Case in point, a brilliant black young man, with a high school gpa above a 4.0. His parents proudly named him Malik (an african name) with a common last name like Jenkins. Malik applies to Harvard...and before his application is even read, his name suggests that he is black, and it is thus either not fairly considered or just straight out denied. (quota's been reached) This is also true for credit applications, mortgages and so on. Why choose names that over the past 25-30 years have become associated with the stereotypical African-American? This isn't about the name itself..or the value of such a name, rather the reality of America. You can still choose a less stereotypical African name.

3. he believed that not embracing these names reflects self hatered and denial.

  • my answer: i love being black. i appreciate the hardships that we've faced as Americans. i am not ashamed of my African heritage. still, i am American and i have to live here. i like names like Chase and Brooke, as well as Aja & Amayah. i am no uncle tom nigro who's shucking and jiving just to please massa. BUT reality is America ain't out to help me (a black woman) and neither my sons. i have to make choices to help us. so if that means i don't name my son Rashid or Malik to give him an extra chance at a level playing ground, so be it.

so that's that. we went back and forth for a few, but since I don't do the debate thing much I insisted that we agree to kinda disagree.

on another note: i'm new to this blog thing and i feel like i've missed so much. i don't think i have many readers...but that'll soon change. i was reading some other folx stuff and learned about the meme phenomena. so i have decided to do mine...but i don't know if it's against blog rules to have 2 entries in one day...oh screw it who cares? i'll make my own dag on rules...i'll b back to do that joint in a few hours. in tha meantime, please comment. don't sneak and read my stuff and not tell me u was here. that ain't right!

luv ya!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

In the midst of my storm


Today was a gloomy day. It started out hopeful...I had an interview at the Goddard School. In spite of the overhanging clouds and my lack of rest the night before I was fresh faced and in anticipation of a change. When I arrived I realized the job wasn't for me. While if I wanted it I could've had it, but it wasn't what I needed either financially or otherwise.
So I completed my interview and told the lady I'd call her, but I got in my car with a heavy heart knowing this was just another waste of time.
So I started thinking...what now? Do I keep looking? Do I wait on places that I've always sent resumes to? Do I give up on teaching? I mean it's mid-August. Or do I wait on God and believe that inspite of the way things look, my situation is not desolate. Do I remind myself that the darkest hour is right before the day? Today I kept imagining myself letting go, giving up, hanging my head, and crashing. But a deep internal assurance that God has surely not brought me this far to leave me, kept rising. I have to admit....sometimes looking the mountain in the face and realizing I don't have climbing gear can be overwhelming. A few times today I tried to speak and I couldn't stop my bottom lip from quivering or one or two fugitive tears from falling. I'm trying to learn to wait. I don't want to confuse waiting with laziness. I've realized that patience is a virtue because true patience is almost impossible. But I'm hanging in there.

To add to all that, I've had to take a real hard swallow of reality concerning my relationship with Jason. Right now, although I care so much, I have to back away. Baby boy is facing some things that I absolutely can not do anything about. Naturally my instinct is to want to step in, play savior and love him into a good situation. BUT I realize that this isn't my job, nor within my capabilities. If it wasn't for me to try to fix my ex-husband. . .I know now is the time I must bow out. So I'll have to leave my sweetie in the Lord's hands. It makes me sad. Mainly because he was a source of joy for me, peace, comfort, and no pressure. I'll still be a friend to him, but I want him to find completeness and healing in Christ.


But in the midst of this storm there is good news. I have a place to sleep, a vehicle, my health and so do my children, brother and daddy. I don't have many bills to pay right now and I can actually relax. (at least i have time to try) My birthday is about 3 weeks away and my sweet baby brother is sending me away to Florida to a retreat I've been longing to attend! My registration was confirmed today. So it isn't all bad and just when I think things couldn't get any worst, I remember to count my blessings.



Saturday, August 13, 2005

It's just me


So I guess you can say that I choose nievety. Does it make sense? Ignorance is bliss, and truth hurts. Some things I just don't want to assume. Isn't something wrong if I always assume the worst? Isn't it horrible when you bring baggage from past hurts, and disappointments into your future? When you impose the wrongs done to you by others onto new people?
It has been my choice to try to resist being calloused. Every single day, every single year, every single relationship I make genuine effort to start with a clean slate. But is that nieve? I like not to think of it as that. It isn't that I don't know people will let you down. It's not that I don't remember the pains, and disappointments...it's just I have hope that it's gotta get better. It's got to. This, life, has to be trial and error. If not. If we won't one day get it right or real close to right, what are we living for? If we can't hope for joy, happiness, fullness, abundance, and true love...what do we strive for?
I realize that there is a thin line between forgiveness and plain stupid forgetfulness. I'm not a dummy, but am I wrong for choosing to look for the best in an individual or a situation first?
Am I a glutton for punishment? Knowing that when I find out something horrible, or am faced with a bad situation...my stomach starts turning, I can't eat, sleep, and cry until I'm in a water bed. But then I get it out and get over it....And it starts again.
Am I crazy? Isn't there something good to be said for an open, and hopeful, positive heart?
I don't know. But I think I'm on the down side right now...
But as my momma used to say, this too will pass. And I still look forward with anticipation.
Call me nieve, call me crazy, call me...Chan.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Selfless Luv


j is going through today. i really care about him. how do i know? because i was so willing to put my plans and desires on hold this weekend, so that i can help him out in a jam. that is significant to me. i realize that in general i am a very giving person, and perhaps had anyone other friends called with some drama i may have been as eager to help. but i don't know.
i would argue that my willingness to help wouldn't be, if my feelings for him and my relationship with him was based on any shallow thing.
this isn't about giving money or giving time, rather about heartfelt love and concern. motivated out of nothing really.
God has shown me that kind of unmerited love and favor. i strive to give it to others. altho most don't understand or trust it.
i await the day that a man will love me in a similar way. not because of anything i've done, or have, not because of my looks, but just because he has chosen to love me.
i have faith and hope for my future relationship.
in the meantime, i'm happy to develop that selfless love within my self for others, my children, family, and friends.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Finding Inspiration


i was suffering from writers block.
for a while now it has plagued me.
thought, maybe i lost the touch
and stopped expecting the spark to come.

i'd read over some of my old stuff.
i'd have flutters and thoughts inside.
but nope, nothing would develop,
just mute paper and silent expectation.

i took a walk in the park
fly-shooing and children playing
colors cavity-sweet to the eye
clouds, kites and birds against the blue.

yet it was still evasive.
and when the words would come
i pulled out my net to grab them
but they refused, and capture was slow.

so i figured maybe one day
one day it might return
and gave up on the searching
resolved, my days of muse were gone.

then I met you that day
what seemed like coincidence.
still unclear of how it started,
now there’s sudden possible wholeness.

and as quickly as it left
inspiration rushed back in
stimulating and demanding me
and made immortal by my pen.


(*inspired by a friend)


© ChandraNicole
All Rights Reserved
8/11/05

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Fighting Discouragement

How are we supposed to handle disappointment? What if we plan something for our whole life and it fails, falls apart, or worse never happens. What if we've had our hope in the divine to bring about change and the expected change doesn't come.
How can faith persist, when it seemingly brings about no results? These are the questions in my mind right now. Then I have to wonder if I'm missing a bigger picture. I feel aimless, although that's not the truth. I feel flimsy, and without foundation. It's like being in an earthquake. When everything that you trusted to be still and sturdy starts moving like water, uncertain, unstable, frightening. Maybe it isn't my job to figure things out. But it seems like no matter how much I pray, I don't know when to step out on faith. So far when I have, I've fallen on my face. I know God is able. . . so it's me. What am I missing.
They say the darkest hour is right before the day. So now I'm just trying to fight discouragement, and depression. I'm trying to keep the tears and anxieties from drowning me.
Trying to hold on to hope...trying to keep the faith.
I keep being told that God has great for me, Please Lord show me! I'm in desperate need of a breakthrough.
Until it comes....I'ma keep looking up.

what to write?

Inspiration is evasive here lately. There are times in life where there is so much going on that you can't sit down and try to make sense of it all in writing. There are other times of reflection, moments of calm when the storm comes to an end or at least when it slows enough to be evaluated.
This may all seem a little convoluted, but. . .this is one of those times when there is so much going on that I can't figure out what to write about, what to leave out....if anything.
I am in transition. It is one of those things that I won't be able to really blog about until I get settled.
The kids are chillin, I'm enjoying my summer...for the most part.
I'm in Md now @ my brother's crib. I'm right outside of DC. It's nice, an on time change of venue.
As for Jason, I'm glad he's around. We became extremely comfortable really quick. Faster than either of us expected. I would like to see where things go, but I'm being careful.
I'm hopeful about my future...where God is taking me.
I know it is gonna blow my mind!
I look forward to being able to write about it all.