Wednesday, September 23, 2009

This is not Goodbye!

Blogspot Family...
You have been my go-to place through alot of things. About 3 breakups, my nephews birth, my grandfather's passing, my many flights of emotion, my spiritual journey, my inability to pump gas, :). But now it's time for me to move on to the next thing.
I really hope that you can join me as I start a new blog journey.
Much luv to my old readers...and I hope to encounter some new ones. :)
much luv!

Sunday, September 20, 2009


It's September , and it's my favorite month. The first day of which is my bday!! So I am now 29 and absolutely geeked about it. After 25 I wanted the clock to stop. lol. However today I realize that I pray for longevity, and getting older is an answer to my prayers...So thank the Lord for 29 and I will keep thanking him for 39, and 49 and so on!! :)

I am still in school, except I have transferred to Rutgers Law. It's closer to home, but I miss my SHU fam!! I'm trying to enjoy the journey. I feel like law school is a hazing process, lol. I just wanna make it to the other side! So ya'll pray for a sister u hear??

My kids are good, getting bigger than ever. My twins just turned 9 yesterday!! I'm blown away by all that too. Their father is still a mess. I'm still learning to let go and let God. It's tough tho because sometimes I just wanna tell him to get lost.
Not that doing that would be difficult, he comes with his cape and superman get-up about 5 times a year... :(
The twins just had a bday, so he showed up LITERALLY a day late (and dollar short, lol). That irked me. But...wooooosaaaaah. I'm letting go.

Nothing worth mentioning on the dating scene. I could be involved, but I haven't felt led. Right now I am being still. I almost got caught up with an "unavailable" but incredibly attractive man. He is separated from his WIFE, and expecting his 5th child with another. Yeah, it's messy...Not what God has.

The last real post I talked about Bay-B (and the break-up) and while I still love him very much, the long distance is a heavy burden that I can't get wit (among other things).So although he doesn't want it this way now, it is.

I'm just grinding ya'll. Little time for blogging :( and trying to live my life to it's fullest. Let's keep in touch. :)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today is the day she died (13 yrs ago-reposted)

August 19, 1996

i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.

it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?

my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"

the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Gone too soon

what else is there to say

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Delight yourself...

So I guess life is a journey of learning...perhaps gaining and maturing
I think we all get very focused on achieving something, whatever that might be.
Whether its education, money, fame, a significant other...there is always something.

I am guilty. I am always moving toward the next thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything completely wrong with it either.
It's just that sometimes we get so caught up in chasing stuff that we lose sense of what really matters.

Maybe this is in the forefront of my mind as a result of recent deaths in my church family, or maybe because of my "break-up." Or somehow both.

Feeling lonely, or feeling some sort of emptiness often drives us to pursue things with so much fervor...and at least when it comes to dating, it can cause us to be so desperate that we'll accept anything.

I been thinking a lot and listening out for God and today I heard, "Delight yourself in the Lord...and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I needed to be reminded that it isn't all about chasing down things or people or even prestige or title. But it is about remembering that I and each of us were born with a purpose...a purpose to bring glory to God...and to worship Him. When we walk in our purpose...God promises us the desires of our heart!! I needed to hear that, and I figured I'd share it with you.

Most of us...don't believe that we have this specific purpose. We are sure our purpose is to satisfy "us-own selves" and to bring glory and things to us, while we are here. And then wonder why we our souls are unhappy...never quenched. We are always in pursuit, when tomorrow isn't promised.

And even if we gain it all...what profits a man or woman to gain everything...but lose his/her soul?? Nothing.

So that is why we must seek first the LORD, and Delight ourselves in Him; everything else will follow.

That is what I aim to do.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

romance?? not so much

so the latest news is that i am fresh out of a 2.5year relationship. its ending straight blind-sided me. and yet as sad as i am, i'm okay. i suppose it was my decision. he started talking about marriage alot...and i think it scared him. i wasn't forcing this conversation what so started with him calling me imploring me to see the movie "fire proof your marriage." then him telling me that everytime he hears people talking about marriage and their wives...he thinks of me.
then seemingly out of no where, he told me that he needed to step back and evaluate his feelings and motives toward me to make sure they are pure.
(he says because of his history as a "knuckle head" and of using women, i should see the sincerity behind him wanting to be sure)---and i do,

however, i heard that...and heard something else. i felt as if i had been betrayed.
why? because i didn't want this relationship and he spent an entire year convincing me of his certainty that i was the one and that he was gonna show me...and i finally believed him, against my better judgment and then he decided he needed to step assess.
he told me i was over reacting. am i?

i don't have time for re-evaluation, after all this time. so i decided to fall back, majorly. including not taking his calls. i think we've exchanged 3 emails in the last month. the straw tho, no matter how petty...was seeing a comment on his myspace page. some girl, saying "see you saturday sexy." lol. that was my epiphany moment.

so i think i cried for a total of 10 minutes...and like i said i'm sad. but okay. back to square one.
God has to intervene here...cause i give up.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I been promising...

First let me say, my intentions are so good guys. Yet I have been absolutely swamped by life.
I finished finals about 2 weeks ago and immediately began a full time internship...and you already know I'm full time mommy and then there's ministry and maintaining a healthy relationship with my
So finding time to write, ugh, not so much.

Real Pirates??!!?
So let me just say, this is old...but why did I think that Pirates were make believe???
No we didn't see whole ships get jacked by these little makeshift boats of skinny black pirates. lmbo. These guys are gansta...and although I can't condone "pirating activities" (rotfl)
My mind was straight blown!

She's on Parole and won't leave me alone!! *Help*
She has been stalking me. I met her at an event for homeless women, in which I was the keynote. One of the ladies who knew her well introduced us and thought I would be a good, I guess mentor or something. I have made myself available to the young white woman. She is a former drug abuser and was recently released from prison, but that doesn't matter to me.
I liked her, I wanted to encourage her to stay on the straight and narrow because I believe that she can do it. She was instructed by her parole officer not to move in with her abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen.
They got into a fight and when the police were called, it was a violation of her parole.
She called me crying saying that they were gonna send her back to prison unless she had $250 to pay her attorney. I tried to encourage her to go to legal aid, but she insisted on a particular attorney. So I offered her the money. No, I gave her the money and although she said she'd pay me back, I am not looking for it.
However, not two days later she was calling me asking me for $400 more. Then I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She got me.
It's all good though. The real issue is that I think she thinks I'm her woman now.
She blows up my phone, "where you at?", "what you doing?" "what time you get home?" When you gonna call me?" "Call me NOW." I'm this real???
She then proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend approves of me, but no other girls cause she "used to be" bi-sexual. I'm like blown by all this...did I mention that she has been calling me telling me she needs a place to live? I told her, I can't help Welfare. She says they won't help. I have resorted to ignoring her, and it's finally beginning to work...
But I feel bad, because I don't want to be the one person that she thinks cares and then just dumps the same time, I have too much on my plate to carry her stuff too.
What do you think??

Reality TV (Jon and Kate and the Duggar Family)
Ok, I am so sad about Jon and Kate. I feel like it's me. That is dumb, I know, but I've been through the dissolution of a marriage, while having a household of kids and that on its own sux...I just can't imagine having cameras in my face. For that, I blame Kate. She is loving the spotlight and fame too much, probably the money too. Jon is so over it, but she doesn't seem to care and rather than sacrifice the fame, she seems to be sacrificing her marriage and family life. It's not worth it, at least it wouldn't be for me.

The Duggar family is just freaking amazing. They are solid Christians with 18 children. They are independently wealthy and yet they are frugal. I guess I should say, they are frugal and so they are independtly wealthy. They amaze me because they seem so happy and loving and wholesome. Not that I want my household to be all little house on the praire like them, but I certainly feel like there are some good worthwhile lessons I can learn from them. Have you seen the show?? They are corny...but in like a really good way.

Oprah and that nasty ol' school...
Dear Oprah,
You have a good heart ( I guess) and you showed good intentions by instituting that school for girls in Africa. But, there are some nasty, perverted and ungrateful people there...always tryna do it to each other and well Ms. need to get out for they have you in court trying to hold you liable for rape and endangering the welfare of minors and all kinds of other things they you are innocent of, just cause your name is on there.
My advice: Cut and Run!!! lol. (for real tho)

Ok, I gotta run. I luv u blog world, I know u have grown tired of me with my long pauses...
I will get better, one day. (I hope)