Gone too soon

what else is there to say

Delight yourself...

So I guess life is a journey of learning...perhaps gaining and maturing
I think we all get very focused on achieving something, whatever that might be.
Whether its education, money, fame, a significant other...there is always something.

I am guilty. I am always moving toward the next thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything completely wrong with it either.
It's just that sometimes we get so caught up in chasing stuff that we lose sense of what really matters.

Maybe this is in the forefront of my mind as a result of recent deaths in my church family, or maybe because of my "break-up." Or somehow both.

Feeling lonely, or feeling some sort of emptiness often drives us to pursue things with so much fervor...and at least when it comes to dating, it can cause us to be so desperate that we'll accept anything.

I been thinking a lot and listening out for God and today I heard, "Delight yourself in the Lord...and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I needed to be reminded that it isn't all about chasing down things or people or even prestige or title. But it is about remembering that I and each of us were born with a purpose...a purpose to bring glory to God...and to worship Him. When we walk in our purpose...God promises us the desires of our heart!! I needed to hear that, and I figured I'd share it with you.

Most of us...don't believe that we have this specific purpose. We are sure our purpose is to satisfy "us-own selves" and to bring glory and things to us, while we are here. And then wonder why we our souls are unhappy...never quenched. We are always in pursuit, when tomorrow isn't promised.

And even if we gain it all...what profits a man or woman to gain everything...but lose his/her soul?? Nothing.

So that is why we must seek first the LORD, and Delight ourselves in Him; everything else will follow.

That is what I aim to do.

romance?? not so much

so the latest news is that i am fresh out of a 2.5year relationship. its ending straight blind-sided me. and yet as sad as i am, i'm okay. i suppose it was my decision. he started talking about marriage alot...and i think it scared him. i wasn't forcing this conversation what so ever.it started with him calling me imploring me to see the movie "fire proof your marriage." then him telling me that everytime he hears people talking about marriage and their wives...he thinks of me.
then seemingly out of no where, he told me that he needed to step back and evaluate his feelings and motives toward me to make sure they are pure.
(he says because of his history as a "knuckle head" and of using women, i should see the sincerity behind him wanting to be sure)---and i do,

however, i heard that...and heard something else. i felt as if i had been betrayed.
why? because i didn't want this relationship and he spent an entire year convincing me of his certainty that i was the one and that he was gonna show me...and i finally believed him, against my better judgment and then he decided he needed to step back...to assess.
he told me i was over reacting. am i?

i don't have time for re-evaluation, after all this time. so i decided to fall back, majorly. including not taking his calls. i think we've exchanged 3 emails in the last month. the straw tho, no matter how petty...was seeing a comment on his myspace page. some girl, saying "see you saturday sexy." lol. that was my epiphany moment.

so i think i cried for a total of 10 minutes...and like i said i'm sad. but okay. back to square one.
God has to intervene here...cause i give up.

I been promising...

First let me say, my intentions are so good guys. Yet I have been absolutely swamped by life.
I finished finals about 2 weeks ago and immediately began a full time internship...and you already know I'm full time mommy and then there's ministry and maintaining a healthy relationship with my sweetheart...lol.
So finding time to write, ugh, not so much.

Real Pirates??!!?
So let me just say, this is old...but why did I think that Pirates were make believe???
No we didn't see whole ships get jacked by these little makeshift boats of skinny black pirates. lmbo. These guys are gansta...and although I can't condone "pirating activities" (rotfl)
My mind was straight blown!

She's on Parole and won't leave me alone!! *Help*
She has been stalking me. I met her at an event for homeless women, in which I was the keynote. One of the ladies who knew her well introduced us and thought I would be a good, I guess mentor or something. I have made myself available to the young white woman. She is a former drug abuser and was recently released from prison, but that doesn't matter to me.
I liked her, I wanted to encourage her to stay on the straight and narrow because I believe that she can do it. She was instructed by her parole officer not to move in with her abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen.
They got into a fight and when the police were called, it was a violation of her parole.
She called me crying saying that they were gonna send her back to prison unless she had $250 to pay her attorney. I tried to encourage her to go to legal aid, but she insisted on a particular attorney. So I offered her the money. No, I gave her the money and although she said she'd pay me back, I am not looking for it.
However, not two days later she was calling me asking me for $400 more. Then I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She got me.
It's all good though. The real issue is that I think she thinks I'm her woman now.
She blows up my phone, "where you at?", "what you doing?" "what time you get home?" When you gonna call me?" "Call me NOW." I'm thinking....is this real???
She then proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend approves of me, but no other girls cause she "used to be" bi-sexual. I'm like blown by all this...did I mention that she has been calling me telling me she needs a place to live? I told her, I can't help you...call Welfare. She says they won't help. I have resorted to ignoring her, and it's finally beginning to work...
But I feel bad, because I don't want to be the one person that she thinks cares and then just dumps her...at the same time, I have too much on my plate to carry her stuff too.
What do you think??

Reality TV (Jon and Kate and the Duggar Family)
Ok, I am so sad about Jon and Kate. I feel like it's me. That is dumb, I know, but I've been through the dissolution of a marriage, while having a household of kids and that on its own sux...I just can't imagine having cameras in my face. For that, I blame Kate. She is loving the spotlight and fame too much, probably the money too. Jon is so over it, but she doesn't seem to care and rather than sacrifice the fame, she seems to be sacrificing her marriage and family life. It's not worth it, at least it wouldn't be for me.

The Duggar family is just freaking amazing. They are solid Christians with 18 children. They are independently wealthy and yet they are frugal. I guess I should say, they are frugal and so they are independtly wealthy. They amaze me because they seem so happy and loving and wholesome. Not that I want my household to be all little house on the praire like them, but I certainly feel like there are some good worthwhile lessons I can learn from them. Have you seen the show?? They are corny...but in like a really good way.

Oprah and that nasty ol' school...
Dear Oprah,
You have a good heart ( I guess) and you showed good intentions by instituting that school for girls in Africa. But, there are some nasty, perverted and ungrateful people there...always tryna do it to each other and well Ms. Oprah...you need to get out for they have you in court trying to hold you liable for rape and endangering the welfare of minors and all kinds of other things they you are innocent of, just cause your name is on there.
My advice: Cut and Run!!! lol. (for real tho)

Ok, I gotta run. I luv u blog world, I know u have grown tired of me with my long pauses...
I will get better, one day. (I hope)

Luv-Luv

To Be Discussed (upcoming blog posts)

She's On Parole and Won't Stop Calling Me...
what should I do?

Diamonds on the Headlines...(finally again)
Why I am blown by the African Pirates...
Why I am amazed by the Duggar Family
What I'd Do if I were Oprah...lol (besides shop!)

Incarcerated Love: It's not all sign language and letters...lol
Or is it??

finals...arrrgh!

it is crunch time right now. here i am again two weeks away from finals and it is crazy. unlike undergrad, my entire grade for my course is based off of 1 five hour exam. so i'm trying not to straight freak out. i have a tendency to get sleepy when i get stressed, but sleep is my enemy right now... or so i feel, cause when i'm sleep, i'm not studying. anyway, i'm attempting to just breathe through this, pray, study...and leave it in God's hands. shooting for A's.... :) pray 4 me ya'll (oh i have some mess to tell u about, but next blog....until then goodnight!)

So blessed...(The God in Me)

i luv this blog cause i just have to read a few posts to see where God has brought me from, and what He's brought me through. it reminds me that no matter what i've come up against...i always win. Not because of any good of my own, any strength or might that i have...but it's the God in me!

so all that to say, my last post i was feeling a bit frustrated and today i feel so blessed. i still have deadlines to make (major paper due tomorrow), finals approaching (ugh), bills (double ugh), my personal short-comings, and all the rest of life's worries...but i'm happy and joyful. i recently won the black law student association writing competition, and a $500 scholarship from them, and i also just got word that i was chosen as a black women lawyers of nj scholarship recipient (im not sure how much yet). :) i honestly anticipate more to come, cause God is just like that.

i'm looking for a summer legal position, but also trust that it is coming. my steps indeed are ordered! my children are well (on spring break) and i'm just grateful, it's rainy today, and i was so happy to see the rain, because i knew if it was sunny i wouldn't be able to get any work done. lol.

so it all works out, doesn't it. hang in there people...because life is a struggle and survival isn't about what we can do in our own power, but rather what God can do for and through us.

CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT--(the words are so true)

frustration

i have the had the two most frustrating days ever.
my car broke down yesterday two hours away from where i live. i found someone to fix it...but things just didn't go according to my plans. yesterday or today, and my car is still disabled up there, and i'm down here with the keys and the part to fix it.
and i just keep thinking, my blessing has got to be on the way, because murphy's law has been hot on my trail. lol.
in the midst of my frustration, i am learning to breathe and not cry. to pray and not complain. to have faith instead of fret, and to rest and not wrestle. Cause ultimately, God is gonna work it out.
sometimes things and circumstances are just out of our hands. i have always had a problem with worrying and i believe that God is teaching me to trust Him, in every situation. He's got it, even this.

i mean despite everything i've been thru, i have made it THRU...and so many times i felt like i couldn't. so i'm still standing. and yeah i'm frustrated, but it will be ok.or like my momma would always tell say, "this too shall pass."


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