One wish (a poem)

I was thinking the other night
With a melody in my head.
One wish?
If only I had that
What would I do with it?

A million things came to mind
But a million can’t fit in one
So I refocused on my heart
Silenced every other urging
Listened deeply
To the beating

What I heard was surprising
It was the woman side of me
My body started swaying
To your name
That was the beat.

So if for just a moment
With closed eyes
And love in sight
I let my imagination wander
To this one wish of mine

I’d wish for you to love me
Loving you would be no task
I’d wish to hold your hand
And be near you once again

I’d wish that we could
Talk all night
And you could wipe my tears
I’d wish that wishes would come true
And you would be my man

If wishing were praying
I’d like it even more
A listening God
would hear my wish…
for emotions
prophetic.

Feelings that don’t lie to me
Reflecting what is true
My love makes this wish
Superfluous
…because my destiny is you.

© C.B 2005
all rights reserved

The other night I heard Ray-J's song "If I had one wish"...
It got me to thinking about the sentiments of the song,altho it isn't the best song. I thought about the man I will eternally agape and I smiled and felt an ache inside. I wanted to write immediately but I was in the car and had nothing to write with. So first thing in the morning I sat down and wrote this. I could say who, in particular inspired this, but I won't. I'll just say that in time, it'll all work out. It is promised.

Blogworthy Music

Hey I recently heard a few cd's that I thought were "blogworthy"
so I thought I'd share...

In the RnB genre, I'm feelin...

Marques Houston Naked =I have to preface this by saying that the cd is truly for the "grown and sexy" and has some explicit lyrics. But I really enjoyed a majority of his songs and their composition. Most of the songs have a very sensual feel...so, knowing myself...I have to listen to it sparingly. :)

Trey Songz I Gotta Make it=this album is just...I just REALLY dig it. I knew I liked him anyway. He can really sing, it's evident that he is no studio artist. There is even a remix with Aretha Franklin...come on now!? He also has this song called "Gotta Go" which is a throwback to the rythm and blues of old...think The Dells...or The Ojays. I LOVE IT! With the exception of maybe one song...I can put the cd on and let it flow.

As for Gospel Music....

Kirk Franklin Hero=this is Kirk Franklin revealed. It is clearly so personal. It is awesome because as he strips away layers of his life, pain and so on he helps the listener to do the same. The music is beautiful, the message is on time, and the medium is most effective because the combination of all this allows the Spirit to work in the hearts and lives of those listening. I have been blessed by it. There is a song urging us to come back to our "first love" Jesus Christ...I love it. It has hawaiian luau melodies mixed in that are like whoa! You definitely should invest in purchasing this album.

Oh check out my brother's blog @ http://unspokentreasure.blogspot.com
I am really feeling his latest post about the 2000 lost lives in this
tragic war. Reading it really moved me, it is a truly "blogworthy" post!

I'll let u know as I find more blogworthy things.
xoxoxo

Stop being a VICTIM!!

My mood:
disturbed
Quote of the day:
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through HIM that loved us." Romans 8:37

I have a ...friend. Well an ex-friend...an aquaintance?? I don't know...let's just say I know some one who is a drug addict. (Don't we all??) He used to be an very integral part of my life, but he is no longer. Still we have very occassional contact. Well I got pissed recently because he wrote on his webpage about being a struggling addict with the whole poor me syndrome. I was just disgusted. And since we were friends at one time, I thought I'd share my feelings with him...so I wrote him this note..(name is changed to protect his privacy)

crack kills lou. it's sad... you always spit game about how you are gettting yourself together, and how you're fixing today for a better tommorow...but when does your tommorow start?It makes me so sad...and angry. I'm not invested anymore, so I can let it go.But for you I just hang my head in sorrow. I must suck to be dying inside, to not have a future, to keep failing, to disgust your own mother who has dealt with the addiction demon too. But you won't change until you look at your self and are TRULY disgusted. How can u invest in a relationship with anyone?? chick, fam or friends when you don't honor yourself and your body?God loves you and you need to turn completely to Him. I pray that you find true salvation, healing, and total deliverance. Life is sad and hopeless without Christ.Thank you for assuring me that I am not missing anything.Your tommorow is not promised get right today...happy 32nd bday.

I'll admit that it was kind of harsh...but he has been living a sad cycle of drug abuse, jail stints and so on for a long time. As long as I've known him, he's talked about changing, and doing better. But still the same thing. His response to me was...

thank you for the birthday wish, chan.(if that was truly your intention...lol) . no one knows me better than i know me, chandra. i know that i f'd up. in the past, i used to think that i hit my bottom. i now know that i truly hadn't hit rock bottom until quite recent. i have nothing because of my actions. now i'm no psychiatrist or drug counselor, but as for my mother, i would think that it was truly easier for her to get her sh*t right considering the fact that neither one of her parents did any drugs. as for me, well she got high up until the time i went to _ _ at 14 years old. and wouldn't you know it? just when i thought that i was going to have a better life, i find out that my father was sniffing heroin until the time i came back to _ _ at 19 years old. it is said that children born to parents who are addicted to illegal drugs, have a 50/50 chance of becoming addicts themselves. most cases i have seen in my life, it is usually the mother who is the addict and the father is normally out of the picture. not true with me. i had the misfortune of having both my parents getting high basically until i was an adult. not trying to blame them or make an excuse for my sh*t, but you do the math. i didn't have a true holy and godly example set for me like you and your family. oh yeah! i also never said that you were missing anything. you read my page! i'm trying to reinvent myself and i don't need any negative vibes. i wouldn't do that to you, so please don't come at me like that...

Isn't that something? His whole email was about blaming someone else and then not accepting the responsibility for blaming them. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. And he referred to what I had to say as "negative vibes." It's kinda crazy...I'm thinking crack has a negative vibe...
But truly this isn't about drugs...it's about humanity.
We always want to be the victim. No one ever wants to say, I just made some bad choices. Period. Everyone has a horror story.
I was raised in a two parent christian home, but I had to watch my mother die. I've been abused, cheated on, alone and pregnant, homeless and poor. But a victim? I refuse to wear that. I have healing that still needs to occur. But I don't blame the people who have wronged me, my circumstances, or God for my own shortcomings. When we allow ourselves to be victims we excuse our bad behavior. We never see the true error of our ways...it's always the other person who is wrong. We enable ourselves to live self destructive lives. I got so angry with Lou because he can have a chance to live a full life, drug free.
Those of us who shift blame for a living don't even give ourselves a chance. The truth hurts BUT it is the Truth that will set us FREE!

Q and A...continued

Icey asked...
Question:If you had three wishes what would they be? keep in mind that you can not wish for more wishes and only one of the wishes can be for a lump sum financial gain, i.e. you could only ask for a jillion dollars once

Icey, I'd definitely wish for about 50 million dollars(money with which I would, contribute mostly to ministry, build a crib and my own studio, open a bookstore, send my kids to college, and the like)
Probably that on the same day me and all my loved ones would die peacefully and go to heaven.And to have my momma back.

Bobby Brown Jr. asked...
hey cutie :) hope im not too late...Can you tell me 2 of your strengths and 2 of your weaknesses also fast forward 5 years from today....what does your life look like?

Hey Bobby! nope, never too late. I'd say that two of my strengths are my leadership ability, and my sense of commitment. Two weakness would be my sensitivity to others opinions of me, and procrastination.
If I could say what my life would ideally be like in 5 years, I'd say that I'd be in full time ministry. My kids will be doing great in school. I'd be happily settled and married and expecting my last baby. (well maybe on that)

Don Juan de Bubba asked... What one specific thing, other than your children and your faith in general, are you most passionate about right now?

I answered this in the comment section already...but I'd have to say my one passion right now is the community development project I've been called to do. I'm passionate about singing, my loved ones, and shopping too..lol

Answering Your Questions

Hey my people!!!
I have to say that I was disappointed with the lack of response from you...but I will still answer every one of your questions.Please feel free to email me or comment with more and if enough people do ask..I'll do another answer post.
Also please excuse my delay in responding...I didn't account for having to go home to attend the funeral this past weekend. While home I was so busy and sick that computers and blogging were far from my mind.
So I'm sorry, but here we go....

princessdominique asked... If you could marry anyone, famous, living or dead who would it be? And if two questions are allowed, what is your favorite outfit, from head to toe.

So to answer the first question...if I could marry any famous person, I'd have to say Micheal Eric Dyson! I just love this man. Everytime he opens his mouth I am sure that I won't be disappointed or disgusted. He is an intellect, an author, a professor, a minister, a revolutionary of sorts, and he's handsome. He seems to be a man of integrity and from what I can tell...he'd be a good husband.

Question two: Right now my favorite outfit is a pair of black knit gauchos with a hanging black belt, a black cami, and black blazer and deep green snake skin pumps and a matching snake skin embellished purse and all sterling silver and austrian crystal jewelry...it looks pretty on. I have to admit my favorite outfit changes often. In this case I chose all black so that my accessories can really pop. I get so many compliments when I wear it. Thanx for asking *smiles*

Amadeo asked... My question is how can I begin procedures to take over the world...If successful I'll let you run the state of your choice

Yo! I been thinking this thing over..lol...and all I can think of is if you can figure a way to get G.Bush outta office and get everyone worldwide that is less than a millionaire a million dollars...you pretty much got it wrapped up. I'm saying you can try to get up with Pinky and the Brain too..lol.
But my question to you is, if you gonna take over the world, why can I only get a state??? lmbo

Anonymous asked... Have you ever had a one night stand?

I guess this is a fairly personal question. To answer it I'll say this...
I have chosen to live in a way that requires me to resist the pull of fleshly desires.I, however, never want to portray myself as any where near perfect or holy. Because for sure I am just a sinner saved by grace. I truly have not always made the best choices in my life.If by one night stand you mean meeting someone, having sex with them, and never having contact again...then no.

Rose asked... Somewhere in blog world I read that you were divorced, do you feel that you could have saved your marriage?

Hi Rose...thanx for asking. I am indeed divorced and let me tell you that I never would've left, but it was absolutely necessary. My ex-husband is a reader of my blog and my friend so I will not put too much of our business out there. But I will say that I was in a situation that absolutely called for seperation. After 2yrs it was clear that a divorce was the next step. As for my opinion on marriage, I am not regretful that I married young, or even that I married him. I learned so much and God has and continues to form me from the experience.I do not believe that divorce is the fix-all. I do not endorse divorce except in two instances, and even then sparingly, I support marriages, family, love and commitment. I believe in counseling and mostly that if God is not at the center of a marriage it can not thrive.

Berry asked... I love the name of your blog - How did you come up with the name? (not sure if this is explained elsewhere)

Hey Berry...well it is fairly simple. to begin, my middle name is Nicole. So awhile back I adopted the nickname Nickicolapop....
Also when thinking of the name I wanted a title that I felt truly could convey to my reader a sense of who I am. The Bible says in Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
I began to ascribe worth to myself according to to what the Bible says about me as a daughter of the KING and a Royal Priesthood.
Now on the literal side...I am a girly girl, I love diamonds and jewels but equally I love colapop and a good book. You know? That's me. I enjoy the things life has to offer the most elaborate to the most simple. So the title seemed to capture all of that. I hope that made sense. *smiles*

latinchik4eva asked...
At WaT AgE DiD U GeT UrE FiRsT KiD....CuZ U SaId U hAd It In UrE tEeNaGe YeArS AnD I WaS JuSt WoNdErInG At WaT aGe U HaD UrE 1St KiD

Latinchik..hey! I had my first child when I was eighteen and I had graduated from highschool. I started having sex at seventeen. I am not bragging, I honestly wish I had continued to wait. I went to college and it was difficult trying to be a fulltime mommy and student. Having him wasn't the end of my life, he was and is my pride and joy. but my life was complicated in ways that could've been avoided. I married my son's father about two years after he was born.
Thank u guys for participating.I hope I answered your questions. If you feel like asking
more...like I said...I'm here.
*Oh and I love having readers, but people tell me all the time that they read my blog and don't comment.So I thought I'd ask my invisible readers to make yourself known sometimes...even if u aren't on blogger. Just let me know u stopped by...after all I let you in....say hi to a sistah..lol
Much luv 2 u

*side note* Rosa Parks died yesterday, I believe. She was 92. What a full life she had the opportunity to live. Although not single-handedly, she made a huge difference that is relevant in my life today. So Rosa Parks, I celebrate you. What you did, whether it was out of defiance or exasperation, I am glad that you allowed yourself to be used to make a better today.

What u wanna know?

My mood:
Inventive
Quote of the Day:
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

I've seen bloggers do this before, so I figured I 'd do it to. Considering how well you people respond...I'll do it once a week.
WHAT U WANNA KNOW?
I am opening up myself (within reason) to you all. Ask me whatever you want to know about me, you can ask for advice, or my opinion on just about anything and on thursday I will blog with the answers to your questions. (I reserve the right to refuse to answer anything too personal or offensive) Just so you know since I've been blogging I have recieved personal emails prompted by the blog. I had one lady email me several pages about her struggles and feeling like she wasn't living like a Christian. I had another email me and tell me she had been reading, but never commented and that her preconcieved notions were shattered by the blog. And also a 15 year old girl emailed and asked my advice on some things.Therefore, I figured maybe other folx who don't comment may have things to ask or talk about. So if you just have a friendly curiosity or have wanted to ask me something about my previous posts...here's your chance.
Please email me your questions @ chandra_b_1999@yahoo.com or you can leave them in my comments section.
smooches!

Random thoughts, rants, and gripes (in no particular order)

My mood:
Introspective
Quote for Today:
"Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galations 6:9

This Blog
I try to be very organized and blogger has been aggravating me. I won't leave, since I'm new and all...and it isn't that bad. But I just wanted to gripe about it real quick.

My Passion
This as in passion that drives me. Not passion as in suffering. Although as I think of it now...the two seem inextricably linked. I had my life pretty much planned out. As many of us do. But several things interrupted my perfect life plans...not the least of them including my mother's death, and my teenage pregnancy. It has continued on in my life...I perhaps more than many other people, I have seen MY plans for my life be altered and all together halted either by failings of my own or straight up out of my control circumstances. Which brings me to today. I have attained my long sought after degree (It was much harder for me as a mother of four children 6 and under) and I believed that after that, I'd find a good job and fall into financial security. Because that's just what I was taught to believe. In fact, I have seen this play out in many people's lives...just not mine. It turns out the job I have held over the last three years pays better than most entry level corporate jobs. humph!
Door after door has been closed...I am in a "wilderness" place.
God has revealed to me that it is all about PERCEPTION. Today I am free from debt! I'm not living in my ideal situation or location..but I have some freedom. I can stay at home with my youngest child and I can attend to the learning of my little ones in school.In addition, I have time to focus on my passions. I have taken time to pray more, read the Bible more, to work on the leg work for my forming non-profit org. Also, I recently was asked by some one who read my blog to submit an article for their magazine..which I did and it will be published next month.(I'll be sure to share it) And finally I have been able to work on my vocal skills and writing lyrics. How wonderful! So to the naked eye, I may appear unproductive...but actually God is preparing me for something BIG!

Television
I try not to be a couch potato. I turn off the tv several times a day. It's cleansing somehow. But when it is on...I love Desperate Housewives...like, it's appointment tv. I won't answer my phone or nothing. That's a trip huh? I kinda don't answer my phone anyway. But especially not then. And this show?? Full of debauchery?? lol. It's my guilty pleasure. I'm also feeling Commander and Chief, a woman president??? YES MA'AM!


Tommorow is Not Promised
On a sad note. I just found out about a Pastor that I have loved for years. His wife has been a mentor in my life since I was twelve. She held my hand and cried with me about the loss of my mother and I watched her fight gracefully with cancer herself. Today her seemingly healthy husband dropped dead on his daily walk. She loved him since she was a child. And he left out today, sure he'd return and now he's in glory with his Creator. My dad is taking it very hard...pray for him. Pray for the widow. We live like we are invincible. We have to learn to live life to its fill and know that ONLY what we do for Christ will last!

I Love you People.

Can I make a suggestion? *a little sidebar*

Ladies!!(and gentlemen)
I am absolutely bananas over Jessica Simpson endorsed line of beauty products called Dessert Treats.
http://www.dessertbeauty.com
you must check this stuff out.
It's a little expensive, but worth it. I know it's been out now for a while, but this weekend I made my first purchase and it is officially something I can't live without. I purchased a body spray and it smells so yummy...and tastes yummy too. It sounds crazy but it's true. All of their products are edible.
I'm just loving it. I will b purchasing the whipped body cream (with sprinkles),The body butter, the body gloss(think chocolate shimmer),and the lip gloss(which looks pretty, and tastes good..and it keeps your breathe smelling delicious!)
This new addiction is not prompted by anything other than a girly affection for sugar and spice and everything nice and being all soft and pink. *cheesing*
As I am still single and waiting and will not be sharing these amazing products with anyone yet.
Except for myself, even though it's kinda weird to lick yourself.
To whoever just said "illl"...at least "I taste just like like candy!"
*sticking out tongue*

In Appreciation

MY DADDY
This month is Clergy Appreciation Month and my dad's church had an appreciation banquet for him. It was overwhelming for me, because I see a lot of the hardships he goes through as a Pastor. It did my heart so good to see him be appreciated. It was beautiful.
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?Id=19831

MY GIRLS

My hair was so nappy. I didn't want to pay $50 to get it relaxed and I know I couldn't do a good job relaxing it myself. So this weekend my girl(Treen) and I worked overnight and after work she and another coworker (Carla) came home with me and Trina did my hair! That's my dawg... Why it meant so much? Cause we were all so tired after working all night and she still did my hair so I could go to the banquet and look like a pretty pastor's daughter.lol
I love the girlfriends God has allowed me to have. I just wanna shout them out real quick...
Trina...I'll leave the mushiness out (4 once) but u know how we do. What would I do without u?
K.J...I'm proud of u. Keep God first, loving your man and NaNa.Thank u for pulling me outta bed when my heart was broken and for cooking 4 me. (hehe) luv, Sean John..lol
(Dr.)Min...do the dag on thing girl.You make me believe that dreams are possibe to achieve.When's the wedding? I'm getting ready for my close up!*smiles*
Hev...it feels good...yeah! You make me proud!Keep writing and being silly...and make sure u pull over a disproportionate amount of white folx while ur patrolling...balance the field out..lol
Asha...all I wanna know is can u b my personal lawyer? You been my hairdresser for the longest kinda time..:) but you're moving up in the world! I'm bubbling over with joy and pride for u! You're the bomb!
ShelKel...I miss you two. Thank you for serving our country in Iraq. I am so disgusted with the war, but I honor the two of you for your courage.I love you and will always be here for you...what we have is so much deeper than friendship. You are my "sista-cousin-girl-bestfriends"..lol

Kia,Tara,Ree,Nic,Dan,Danielle,Jeanie,Dijsha,Wes,Gerine,Shak,LaShana,Ang I love ya'll. I'm so glad that you came into my life and that we've been able to share time, laughs, and tears.
*If I didn't mention u, I still luv u.

THE HATERS
Some people just ain't gonna like me. Just because. Especially since in my community I am fairly visible. I tend to fret over what people think, but I've realized that the more blessed I am, the more some folx are gonna b pissed. That's just how it goes in life. Thank you for being the grain of sand that makes me into the polished pearl, I am becoming.

MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Thanx for making my life richer.
luv 2 Unc,Dawn,Greg,Dez,Mel,Will
George,BobbyB, Dante, D.Hilliard
Dave,Mar, and Jay

MY BLOG READERS
Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting, thanx for accepting me into the blogging world! Ya'll are the bomb...and many of you have been muse in my life. I read so many of u and as to not leave anyone out, I won't name names. But to every blogger...and non blogger in my comments section. You are appreciated!Ya'll come back now u hea?

Smooches Everybody!

Pumping Gas

I can't pump gas.
I just moved out of New Jersey and I'm lost! I wouldn't normally consider myself a helpless dame, but I am so against pumping my own gas. I have tried to pump my gas three times and I feel like it just isn't right. At home I just pull up and tell someone what I want and they pump my car full...or at least a few quarters full of gas. (lol) This is how it oughta be!

The other day I was driving my brother's truck. To my dismay I had to put gas in it. I stepped out of the truck and told the attendant I wanted $20 on number 1.
I paid, took the gas cap off and put the nozzle in my tank. But no gas was coming out. So I start pushing buttons on the pump and pulling the latch up on the nozzle, still no gas. I start feeling nervous and look around, trying not to appear lost. I saw a man walk near by and I have to admit that it took everything in me not to make my helplessness visible to him. Earlier that day two or three different men had acknowledged me, one coming up to the truck saying, "Hi my name is Cliff, can I give you my number."
So I'm thinking, well I must look cute today, so maybe I can use that to get some help here. I was feeling desperate and starting to sweat... fighting being embarrassed. Right when I was about to swallow my pride and use my feminine wiles....click....it started working!
phew! I just stood there in my denim skirt and high heel wedges pretending like I was a pro and had been pumping gas all my life.
I don't know what I'm gonna do next time. Help me somebody please!!