A Letter to My Mother

Mom,

Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa, I long for you.I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...but I won't do that.

Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.

More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.I miss you so much...I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows. I miss that.

You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you.

No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...Who'll ever love me like that?I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long.

Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.

Chandra

Whew!

Yes, it's been a minute since I've come through here.
You know me, lots going on, very busy...all that good stuff.
Let's see, about the guy in my last post. We are still cool. I'm not really interested anymore, maybe he senses that...He's been extra friendly, even offering to buy me
a belt that I told him I liked.But that's kool. I'm good.

So back to the drawing board once again.
I'm just living, trying to maintain focus and love my kiddies, and all that good stuff.
I called Trina this morning, risking waking her up after a long night at work (grr) but she was just getting in.Whew! lol. I called because, I need a pedicure so bad that if my feet scratch my leg one more time I think I'ma lose my mind. HA!
So I wanted to try to get her to go with me.We decided to wait until Thursday...I'm gonna try to survive until then.

Oh, I took the kids to see Spidey 3 yesterday. I LOVED it!!!
Wow, it wasn't exactly what I expected with the black spidey and all..but better.
So go see it. :)It was great.
I spoke to my sister-in-law...well ex sister-in-law, I suppose, yesterday. I told her I was dating my kids..lol. It's so true, and fun...for the most part. But I tried to go shopping with them. NO!!! I can't do it.They drove me crazy.
But I stopped by my one of my FAV stores..Marshalls.
I saw these guess shoes, I picked them up, tried them on, wanted them.
I told myself that I'd walk around and come back and get them.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????? I swear someone was watching me,cause
when I went back to get them...they were....GONE???!!? No more in my size.

So I sighed, and just said to myself...it was God's will, and kept the money in my pockets.
humph!Oh well...whoever the heifer is she ain't gon' wear them like I woulda. :) Just kiddin...
no I ain't, who am I foolin?

So today, I'm gonna try to get some gardening done out front. Well I have to pull up the weeds. So I'll do that, and just get somethings in order here. Tommorow I'm taking a client to see a house that she is interested in. I think that she'll like it. :) Let's pray this is the one!!
:)

Let me run, i just wanted to check back in with you...and babble a little.
Miss all u blogspot people. I'll b back soon.
Stop by my mspace too www.myspace.com/chanichew

I'm trying

I work hard..to be a woman of character, and a good mother.

I work hard at it..not because I want someone to give me accolades but because I want to please God, and I want to help develop wonderful little men and woman. That's my heart's desire.

Sometimes, I feel like...I'm not doing enough. Not focused enuf on the things of God.

After all the Bible says," Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 I don't know. It's hard work...loving my enemies..or at least trying.I have friends that say,,why try? Screw them! I feel that, but I don't wanna be that. I can't explain the motivation in me to live upright. It's foreign, even to me...but it is there.Constantly urging me to do and be better.Things don't always go as planned, Still I hope for more, I expect and await more for myself, my children. I was reading Trina's blog, and she talked about how she can look in the mirror and be happy.I wanna look in the mirror and appreciate and be certain of my beauty...I want to look in the mirror of the God's Word

and do the same thing. I don't know the purpose of this blog post. I just needed to vent.

So many thoughts, and emotions, and everyday stresses of being a good enough single mother.'Of making the best decisions for my children and for me. Knowing that on my own,

I'm incapable of doing and being good enuf...so I seek divine power from the Almighty.

On another tip, I met a man, I think I told you about him. I haven't even thought seriously about dating someone for a while. I met him at the church, altho he isn't a member there.

I eventually approached him, which is out of the ordinary for me.What he said to me threw me for a loop.At first, I felt like..oh no! he's not interested. Then he said to me that he was almost a

"sex-aholic"and that he had noticed me, saying "I be glancing at you."Basically what he said was that...normally he'd manipulate the situation but that kicking it with him could be dangerous.

He also said something along the lines of...not wanting to possibly get sexually involved (with me)without being ready for a relationship.So in my mind...I'm trying to really appreciate that he totally policed the situation for me and protected me from himself, and not see it as rejection.

I told him, "I'm out here on a limb."and in response he said...

"you are, but I'm not gonna let the limb break. I have to be responsible with your feelings."

So what's so weird? I've never had a situation like this. I know I have to let it go, and move on. If it's gonna be it will one day...but having to let it go makes me think about him all the time...ugh!

I feel like, he sees me as a woman...trying to live right and He doesn't wanna mess that up.

But I love it and HATE it at the same time.

Anyway, it's all gonna be alright. That's how I live this life

that's how I get through the rough patches...because I trust

the promises of God, that it is all gonna work out, and be alright.

Training him up....

mommy and babyboy



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on my mind

it is darn near...no it's actually midnite oclock...lol Tuesday morning.
knowing FULL well that my backside oughta be taking it down as we speak
i'm still up...internetting around. i swung thru here, just to check in
and then i decided, well i might as well blog.

i used to be hardcore on this sight. i know i said it before but myspace has stolen blogspot's thunder...a little bit n eway.

if u're wondering, not too much has changed. things are moving along. God is always good...lemme think about a few things i wanna mention b4 i fall over sleep...

1. i know it's old news, but the baby's smoking weed???
it's sad and crazy. the problem is that, you can charge those guys and even the mother
with gross neglect, abuse, drug charges or whatever...and it doesn't change a thing.
the mind set of way too many people concerning weed is that...
it's "natural." so they didn't SEE the problem with sharing with a
BABY!!! that's crazy! so sad...but just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

2. bring our troops home from Iraq!!! i have two friends who will be leaving to go next month.
it seems so backwardz...but what does a little ol' colored girl from jersey know??

3. while i have been loving the RISE of Jennifer Hudson...i really think she is feeling herself a bit much. hmm...she needs to b careful, you know what they say about too much pride.

4.i recently discoved that i love the KING OF PRUSSIA MALL.

5. i installed a WHOLE closet unit by my self... :)
can u believe that daddy??? i went to home depot and
got a power drill, measuring tape, and a level thingy...lol
and after 3hrs (probably a 1.5 hr job) it's done
and beautiful and i did it..lol
and i even used a high heel shoe in lieu of a hammer.
so what...it worked. :)

6. i think i can live without carbohydrates...my girlfriend and her husband tried to convince me
i'm gonna drop over and die...oh snap, maybe that's why i been having all these head and body aches...wow

7. can u believe i'm actually a soccer, well baseball mom??? fully equipped with the van and everything. (lip poked out) i'm only 26. lol. ok, it's a joy. i luv my bratz

8. i am and have been consistently single over the past few months...more so than EVER in my whole life...at least since i was 15. :). i'm proud of myself.

9. what do u do when u have a close friend in a dangerous situation?? do u tell someone who can help? tell the police?? what if she won't listen to you...is there anything that u can do besides be there 4 her and pray??? hmmm..

10. i went to sandy cove this past weekend. it was really nice. i went swimming.
that was great. i can't wait 'til summer...oh except i'ma have to have some man or terminix or something here to kill the summer bugs...everything wanna come alive. i can't sleep with flies, spiders, mosquitos, beetles or whatever else the summer brings...help me LORD!!!

ok, i'm going to bed. i miss u trina..and u too silky smooove...lol

luv u

I'm so glad...

that altho I've been thru a whole lot (as most people have) that I'm not so bitter that I'm ruined. you know??
I have run into some down right bitter, angry, unreceptive people. And it's just sad.
I want to be like that Maya Angelou poem "still I rise."
You know?
Like...yes, I've endured and am even eduring still...but "like air, I rise."
that's what I want...but not just for me.
I have loved ones, that have held on to hurt for so long that they can't love...they can't recieve love. I try with all my might to not let that be me.
I want to be as close to a clean slate as possible with every new friendship and relationship.
We all have issues, I have mine and I know you have yours...but it's what we do with those issues...if we let them turn us into victims or if like Faith's song"Again" we take our bag of issues and thank God for them and say that if it weren't for all that stuff that life has thrown in my bag, I wouldn't be the worthwhile person I've become.
And it's just that decision, whether to live in that bag of issues or to own it, that determines what caliber of person we are and will be.
Bitterness and resentment are killers. Literally.
I have some hurts that I have chosen to let go, some folx I've chosen to forgive, and a life that I've chosen to live to the fullest, I have little ones looking at me...I want them to learn LOVE, ENDURANCE, PEACE, and JOY...
I want the same for you.
((hugz))

Here's a biblical perspective:
Overcoming Bitterness and Resentment

By CBN.comCBN.com –

When you are offended or disappointed by others and allow the hurt to germinate in your heart, bitterness and resentment will take root. Characterized by an unforgiving spirit and generally negative, critical attitudes, bitterness and resentment are sinful and self-defeating. They will color your conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions. Allowed to fester, they will destroy and kill (Galatians 5:19-21). However, they can be dispelled with love.

What Scripture Says
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:14,15).
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32).
"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (I Peter 2:23).
"Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..." (Luke 23:34).
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15).
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21).

How To Be Free From Bitterness and Resentment
Life depression and other emotional stress, bitterness and resentment can aggravate or cause physical problems such as arthritis. You can be affected mentally, spiritually and otherwise. Your relationships will always suffer.

God can free you from this sin. It is an oppressive and destructive emotion having its root in hate, which is likened to murder. You must repent. No one can have peace and happiness with such emotions tearing at him. If you have not done so, ask God to forgive you and to come into your life right now. He will deliver you from the power of the enemy (Psalm 91:3).
If you are already a Christian, you should still ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask Him to forgive anyone who may have hurt you, and toward whom you are bitter or resentful, even as He forgives you.

Look for opportunities to demonstrate love to the person who offended you.
God forgives and forgets sin. However, you may have made your best effort to forgive and forget and find that you cannot. God can help you to cleanse your memory. Instead of remembering with malice and hurt, remember with forgiveness. Then go one step further and ask God to forgive your offender. By forgiving and then asking God to forgive your offender, you release God to bless you and the other person. As You Pray
Pray in this manner:

Father, I acknowledge that I've held resentment and bitterness against _______________. I confess this as sin and ask you to forgive me. I forgive __________________. Remind me, Lord, to not hold any more resentments, but rather to love this person. Father, I ask you to also forgive ______________________.
Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus' name, Amen.

If you prayed that prayer, please send us an e-mail to let us know. Or you can call our National Counseling Center at (800) 759-0700. We would love to talk with you and send you some literature to help you continue in your walk with the Lord.

unfinished product

i wrote this poem a few months back.. i never finished it... i wasn't pleased with it... what do u think?? (sometimes unfinished is best..i dunno)

i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?

cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away
and tho i try to hide it
it's back BEFORE SUNSET.

and i CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear the sweet lyrics
from your BEAUTIFUL MIND.
and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.

so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll RETURN TO ME.

they keep saying i should give this up...
but they NEVER BEEN KISSED by you.
and people can SAY ANYTHING they want to

i know it's cause they don't know
how a LOVE JONES can be, like...
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you

and there was that day u took my breath away...
but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath i breathe hope
of our TRUE LOVE come to....

Life stuff

So the gospel cafe @ my church just passed...and it was beautiful. I mean, it was just like I imagined...well almost anyway. but we had a great time and it gave us a visual for the things to come. i was able to do a few numbers on the M-I-C. (lol) My brother did a few of his spoken word poems, and like always...they amazed me. He is so talented. I got to hear a few other people get free with their talents that we didn't know they had...and that was hott.The next one is March 9th...and I'm excited about that too. God is a good God and I love that He doesn't stay in a box...He allows us to lift Him up in so many different wayz.
On another note...I met this man a few days back. As soon as I walked in the building I spotted him...more than likely it was his stature tho. He was very tall...maybe 6' 5"...probably about 300lbs. Caramel complexion...seemed quiet enough. Without ever directly acknowleding one another, we were both very aware of each other. Turns out he's a friend of mines brother. hmmm..
He's single, 30 something, and saved. He writes music and sings like...some kind of angel. My instinct is to think about it a little more... to flirt and all that kind of thing. Oh let me back track a little...After our first encounter, we saw each other 3 additional times, the second time we sat down and talked for about 10 minutes and then the last we hugged and kept it moving. I know he knows I'm feeling him. I feel the need to let it go, to notice him...but not try to make him mine. ya dig?
If this was 2006...(lol) I'd definitely try to pursue him, but I'm feeling more like I need to just fall back and if say, God has him in mind for me...He'll come after me. I know that's the thing to do...but to pull back and refocus on other things is sometimes difficult...especially cause when he comes around...I tend to get distracted. Oh and I sense a bit of interest from him too...He initiated all of our conversations, told me he has a song he wants me to sing, plays with my kids, and said that he would come to my groups rehearsals on the weekend even tho he is committed to being elsewhere. :)
But anyway...I'm calming myself down. I tend to jump the gun a bit. I told u b4, it's kool being single. I used to wait for my phone to ring. Now I'm so trife...I screen EVERY phone call...and got the nerve to get an attitude if my phone rings too much...or too little. (so silly)
I had been talkin to a local "celebrity" also. I actually contacted him...just in a joking kinda way. My email was titled "you might as well marry me." lol. well wouldn't u know, it must have amused him...because we have been going back and forth since..and that was a few months back. He actually read my email on the "air" lmbo. who'da thunk it? We had emailed back and forth several times. I was getting tired of the cat and mouse and left him my number 2x and ultimately said 4get it. So he called me the last 2 weekends in a row. We spoke 2x and had a decent convo.
I didn't know what to make of it. He does a show in philly and chicago. I know women come at him all the time and that originally had me to the point of "nevermind, I don't care." But then he called me...I guess it's not a big deal. He said that we should go to a "show" next weekend. I don't know what to do. I definitely am not interested in being one of his groupies...but I don't wanna just cut off my nose to spite my face. I mean, how do I even know that he's really interested?
That's why I'ma just let it be. Que sera' sera'...because that's where my trust in God comes into play. ya know? If I believe that He's got all this under control, and that He will order my steps...ain't no need in my trying to manipulate anything. (and manipulation is definitely in my nature...just being real)
I'ma let go and let God and see what's the end gon' be...lol (i'm so church-a-fied) lol.

It would be fly, if u were my B-u-d-d-y

This picture has got to be a joke right? Can u believe how that man is posing, look @ his shoulders? I thought it was a riot, don't they just look...HAPPY?

ne way, have u heard that new song by Musiq, B-U-D-D-Y?
If so do you like it? i really am feeling the groove to that song...I LOVE Musiq almost as much as D'angelo and sweedish fish...almost. His soul, philly vibe is so tight. so as i listened i got the drift of what he was referring to. "friends with benefits"
LYRICS HERE
the song is so smooth that i wanted to be down with the message...
i let my mind wander back some to my last "buddy."
*flashbacks*
yeah, i'm glad i'm through that phase...

everyone has their different opinions and in this day and age, anything that is self beneficial is
the way to go. therefore, i'm almost embarassed to say that i'm past the whole "buddy" thing.
i'm just not built like that and the times that i tried it, i didn't like the emotionless person i was becoming. so, the "buddy" thing definitely isn't for me.
i think i'd be my own buddy first.pun intended.
doen't the "buddy" thing always get ruined? someone always catches feelings.
what about the times that "buddy" status isn't clearly laid out, and one person thinks they are in a REAL relationship.

anyway, i'll pass. i'm hoping that the next "buddy" i have will be my buddy for a lifetime.
btw, did u get the same meaning from the song?

OHHHH and do u just love this Robin Thicke or what???
Did you know his dad is Alan Thicke from Growing Pains? Some useless trivia 4 you.

ttyl

In 2007

I suppose that although by now, you've heard it a bunch of times, it is still appropriate for me to say Happy New Years everyone!
I am happy to be in yet another year. The year 2006 tried in so many ways to steal from me...my joy, creativity, hope, perseeverence, patience, my life. BUT...it did not win!

I don't know what to expect this year, but I anticipate that better things areahead. So, rather than making a list of things I plan to do in 2007, I have decided to make a list of the things that I did in 2006. I've heard it said many, many times before that if you do the same things, you are assured to get the same results. I want different results in my life, so that calls for an assesment of me, my choices, attitudes, practices, and company. I think that's where change starts.

Good news is, the kids and I are finally at "home." I didn't have to have Christmas on the floor and furnishing my home is coming along...slowly but surely. Still I have a place to be, that's great. I have two new real estate clients and I am really focused on using my knowledge in real estate in other ways that aren't so coventional, or dependent on someone wanting to buy and sell with me as their agent.

I never thought or stayed inside of the box,living what others might describe as risky. I don't see it that way though...I live by faith. I see things differently. People all around me talk about what's logical, what makes sense, what's gonna work...and a part of me agrees but a deeper urging makes me stand my ground despite the disapproving stares and comments.

It has paid off in the past and I anticipate even greater returns.
So...in 2007, I don't want to do the same or expected things that I've done in the past. I'm looking forward...and meeting Ruben Studdard, who knows??
It could happen. :)

Silence,Surfing,Shopping, RUBEN STUDDARD, Love, Life and Holiday Cheer!

Hey everyone...
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.

Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.

On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??

Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.

WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

The Most Wonderful Time...

So it's Christmas time, and I usually LOVE all the excitement, the shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating...all that. This year things seemed to have rushed up on me...way too quickly. It's still so pretty out...the lights, the trees, even the Christmas music. Because of all the things going on, I haven't been able to just bask in the ambiance of the holidays. But it's ok.

My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...

I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

watching tv

i love the idea of sitting back and relaxing while watching tv. but i can't do it. i am always preoccupied, i can never sit and watch an entire show.

AND i want to. :( do u ever have that problem?

i remember two summers ago...i literally spent a whole month of days sitting on my couch with my brother and jason watching movies. i miss being able to sit still and enjoy something.

apparently my brain has been working overtime for the past year. i don't even sleep good.i'm either in a coma and wake up confused...lol...or i wake up every coupla hours thinking about whatever was on my mind when my eyes first closed.

i have a tendency to self diagnose too. i have been having some memory loss and i asked a nurse what she thought caused it, and she told me it wasn't child birth (my assumption) but probably stress. i wanted to check so i looked it up on webmd and sure 'nuff...the top cause of short term memory loss was stress and anxiety.wow huh?

so, i'm trying to relax, pray, take it easy, breathe...and watch some tv dag on it, 'cause i don't know WHY i pay Comcast!

You gotta b kiddin me!

that's all i wanna know.
i MUST have a sticker on my forehead that says:
" easy to hurt, FOOL...kick where ever!"
i can't believe what my weekend has consisted of. wow.

let's begin with....
my bdiddy was supposed to get the kids this weekend. he calls and asks me to bring them to him since he didn't have the vehicle he normally drives. he said he was getting a ride home and should be there around 5pm. so i reluctantly agree to bring them to him. i get there at 6pm and not only is he no where to be found, but his mother tells me that he had the car ALL DAY.
wow.
so i drive away.furious! headed to church for choir rehearsal and my tire blows on the highway.
i limped the car for a mile to a gas station and was able to get the donut on. double furious.
anyway, once things get better with the car...i gather my composure and arrive to church late.
one of the young girls had asked me to do her hair. i agreed...but when i get to rehearsal..i don't see her. i found out she was there, but just in another part of the building.
so when she comes to me, i sit her down to do her hair and it was FILTHY. then her sister comes in the room saying their ride was about to leave. so i put her scarf back on and tell her to find out if she was leaving and that i thought she needed to go home anyway because her hair needed to be washed. she never returned to tell me anything, so i assumed she left with her ride.
i start practicing with my group and about 30 minutes into my practice my dad's wife comes in the room to say something to someone in there and then she leaves. maybe 15 minutes after that i see my dad. (who wasn't at the church and looked like he had just walked outta his house) he looks like something is wrong and motions for me to come to him.
so i get up and walk over to him and he proceeds to tear me a new one.
i was like, "what's wrong?" he said, "it's unacceptable that those kids were down stairs in the sanctuary in the dark"...and so on. I was like, "dad! i didn't even know they were he..."
He cut me off and said there was no excuse. So now, I'm furious again...and frustrated and confused. Now I am the co-youth director at our church, but there were 3 other adults there...including the other youth director and my dad's wife had JUST left, right before he walked in the door.
Not to mention that I had not brought any of the youth there and I wasn't taking anyone home. Once they left (i thought with their rides) I was off duty. Three of the children that were there were with their guardian and the other ones had manuevered their way out of leaving with their ride, without EVER telling me that they were still there, needed a ride or anything. ugh.i guess they figure...oh we can tell Chandra anything...she'll go for the oki-doke.

So now my dad's mad at me, I'm pissed at the kids, and what do you know????
I get a phone call from this girl's mom saying that she had to "pray before I called you, so I wouldn't go off." I just said, "okay."
why was my girlfriend was in the background almost doing flips she was so angry...she was lip syncing "hang up!...what is she saying???...give me the phone!" lol
i just handled the call and the mom said that she was gonna handle the girl, but that i should never have trusted HER daughter because she is only 13. so. ok.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....of course, b-diddy, back on tha scene. tryna see what else he can shake up. i NEVER go for it easily...but he always wears me down. So he begs me to come see him, he needed to "talk" to me and he said he would get my tire fixed. i said no and went home to go to sleep. he called about 8 times between last night and this morning trying to convince me to come over. After the fifth call this mornin, I say "ok"
All this, after he had tried to convince me that it was "over" between he and his girlfriend.
hmmm??? i shoulda knew better.
so i when i got there, the phone rings. it was her. u know how u can just tell by the body language? so he sees me out of the corner of his eye and he says to her, "i'ma call u back."
i'm thinkin "here we go." so i said calmly, "why LaMar" as soon as I said that...He hangs up on her. So she proceeds to keep calling back to back. I'm like "pick up the phone" ...lmbo. so now he just wants me to leave. He gave me the money for the tire and says ..."leave."
I wasn't going for it that easily tho. So she calling...he's picking up every other call...and don't u know she asked to speak to me?
So he hands me the phone...
her: what's going on?
me: what do you think?
her: what do u mean?
me: u know what's up, i don't have nothing else to say.
*click*
of course the phone keeps ringing. all i can think is...this is so stupid. i kept hearing that Toni Braxton song playing in my head. (download it...it's called STUPID)
He is an idiot and I STILL love him. that's downright DUMB.

Remember...a few post backs, I wrote about two sides of me?? That weak side revisited. I can't wait for a fresh slate tommorow. Cause these last two days have been OFF the hook. sheesh.

relationships

i just thought it would b cute to post this pic. this is me and my ex-boyfriend (not husband) lmbo. he and i are still very kool. but i just got news that he is not doing so well...and it just makes me sad. but i hope that his life can be turned around. **hey u, in the pic...u won't read this, at least for a few months. but i pray for you often. God loves you baby, and so do i.

i was thinking today...

actually for the last few weeks, relationships and love have been on my mind.

but i'm not referring to just relationships with the opposite sex, but in general.

i have learned so much over the past 7 weeks that my church has been collectively doing a study called 40 Days of Community. It has done wonders for me to clarify a lot of things, and to emphasize the importance of relationships. God made us to have friendships and family relationships...it is not by chance, we need each other, we make each other better, we strengthen each other, we encourage each other, we bring joy and happiness to one another, and we help complete each other.

i was recently shocked at this girl i know...i heard her telling someone that she didn't like her family, so she wasn't gonna spend the holidays with them. rather, she opted to stay home alone. her entire immediate family was together and wanted her to come...but she didn't care. i was amazed at that.

one of the major things that i've learned is that all real relationships are WORK. anything that isn't tested often is not for real. it is so important to make room for people, their idiosynchrocies, bad habits or whatever else. none of us are perfect and a part of building relationships is accepting people and being understanding about those "ways" that they may have that rub us the wrong way. i sure want to be accepted and loved just like i am.

i'm not saying that we have to stay in toxic or abusive relationships, but i am saying that not everyone who does something that is irritating should be cut off. perfect example, i recently made a new friend. Her name is Tasha, she is beautiful, intelligent, and she can SANG her hiny off! but when i met Tasha...she made a comment about the Chex Mix i was eating(lmbo)...she said, "that's not good for you." i said, "you don't even know what it is." she responded, "well whatever it is, it isn't good for you." i just rolled my eyes and kept it moving. but i later told a mutual friend that i could already tell that i wasn't gonna mix well with her.

But now, I love her so much, it's stoopid. *hehehe* it has only been maybe 9 months since we first met. i honestly believe that God brought us into each other's lives right on time. we are helping each other thru some crazy stuff...even now. she pushes me. she believes in me, when i'm like, "i can't do that." she'll say, "you didn't even try." i dig that SO much. that's all i ever wanted in a friendship...i don't have to be anything but me with her. and her with me.

now how hot is that??

and just to think that i was about to dismiss her the day i met her...lmbo

yes, there r things about her that make me wanna scream. she is a bit of a perfectionist, i think she worries too much about what people think and how things appear, she has an aggressive personality, a little diva at times...all the things that irritate me about MYSELF. (lol)

i almost walked out on our friendship already more than once...because it is not easy.

but i won't take the easy route out..because we are gifts to each other.

the other night...i was going through. i felt like i was on the verge of a break down. i had an appointment to meet with her at her crib. so i showed up, but things weren't going according to plan. i was getting ready to leave without saying what was on my heart. she said, "Chan, what's going on with the *****?" I stopped in my tracks because it was the exact issue i was stressed about. i couldn't believe it, so i said, "what made u ask me that?" she said she didn't know. so i started telling her...and broke down crying.

she grabbed my hand and said," let's pray." we walked in another room, away from the kids and she, i, and our friend Marcus began to pray. she and Marcus prayed for me...i couldn't talk, i could hardly breathe between sobs. i've never quite had something so powerful initiated by my friends before. it was amazing.

relationships really are so precious. and are worth the work.

i'm learning so much about genuine LOVE. and starting with loving myself, i'm not settling for that psuedo stuff anymore. i recognize the real deal. i'm doing just fine right now too, "single, saved, satisfied", and better than okay!!

Why I'm Cheesing...

Ignore the date on my pic. the calender is not set on my cam. i'm not tech savvy...but i can click. lol.
ne way, r u wondering why i am cheesin here in this pic?
well, it's because my dad had just blessed the food and said "dinner is served!!" :)
now that's just greedy. lmbo.
honestly, i was just really happy to be with my family and enjoying thanxgiving. it's been a great two days. but do you wanna know why my face is still looking just like tha picture?
it's called BLACK FRIDAY!!!
listen, this mornin i was the early bird....and boy if i didn't get the dag on worm.!!! *whewweee*
my brother and i got to Circuit City at 4:40 am, but the line was stooopid. he was frustrated so we left...our next stop was Wally world. we got there at 5:00. the line was long but it was moving quick. we got in there and i was feeling dazed and confused cause it was a crazy barrage of folx fighting for carts...my brother was nearby and caught eye contact with me and said "BOGARD!" then i got the umph i needed to grab a cart and push thru the crowd. I was like, "thanx for the pep talk brah!"
so we started moving toward electronics and i almost fell down laughing because i couldn't get over the grown behind MEN power walking through the underwear section to get to electronics. it was a good thing we took the same route 'cause we found the TV my brother wanted hidden in the isle after the underwear...far from the electronic section...we saw those TVs and was like "jackpot!" we high fived!!!

then he said...we need another cart. so he peeked around the corner and saw an abandoned cart...he looked around then grabbed that joint. we decided to split up since we couldn't move around the electronic section...it was like 200 people tryna get in.

i dipped off to housewares and got everything i could find on sale. (lmbo) my bro was tryna get to electronics to get a portable dvd player...well...i was in housewares getting my slow cookers and coffee pots, and i discover an abandoned portable dvd...i snatched it up so quick and called my brother's cell phone to tell him he no longer had to fight the barbarians!!! ha!

we met in the isle and high fived again!!! YES!!
we went to the cash register and cleaned up for under $200....whew!!!!
we skipped our happy grown behinds outta there.
then we decided to swing past Sears on a whim. we got there around 5:45....and they gave $10 gift cards to the first 200 customers. SO....we both got one of them. :)

we were able to get my son a nice huffy bike, some jewelry for my baby girl, my brother got a bunch of clothes and toys for the babies...and some other random stuff...
we felt like we were stealing.

we did all that, ate breakfast...and now i gotta get my butt to the office. i'm on floor 9am-12pm.i'm gonna be cheesing all the way there. ahhh...moments like these are priceless. for everything else, there's mastercard.

wow. i'm dumb.

ttyl :)

a snippet from my life

have u ever heard that if you r bad or don't believe in santa you'll get coal for christmas?
well here is my 4yr old's version of that: *riding in the car going home...

jojo: santa is gonna come. santa sees what we're doing. santa and jesus know what we're doing.

(*ok...don't even comment. i teach truth and allow some childhood fantasy)

yaya(oldest son):humph

jojo: i don't care if you don't believe in santa. i believe in santa.

yaya:whatever

jojo:if you don't believe in santa, you're gonna get a COLD for christmas. so now.

*dead* i love my kids.

hmm...they say BLACK PEOPLE DON"T READ

Read this article, supposedly written by a white man about Blacks and tell me how you feel about what is being said.


THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES
We can continue to reap profits from theBlacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the currentmethods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE, GREED,and SELFISHNESS. Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment. A great man oncesaid, "The best way to hide something from Black people is to put it ina book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of theirfight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous booksreadily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com, not tomention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints toreach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along),but few read consistently, if at all.

GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. Blacks, since theabolition of slavery, have had large amounts of money at their disposal.Last year they spent 10 billion dollar s during Christmas, out of their450 billion dollars in total yearly income (2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture wecare to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Beingprimarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed. Theycontinually want more, with little thought for saving or investing. They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness. Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy orFUBU, And they still think that having a Mercedes, and a big house givesthem "Status" or that they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue tosee huge profits like those of Tommy and Nike (Tommy Hilfiger has evenjeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look at how thefools spend more with him than ever before!). They'll continue to showoff to each other while we build solid communities with the profits fromour businesses that we market to them.

SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Duboissaid that there was an innate division in their culture. A "TalentedTenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there aresegments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success.However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't readthat the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-TalentedNinety Percent in achieving a better life. Instead, that segment hascreated another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people oraids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what wehave. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to work togetheron any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get together,their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal Theirso-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their namewithout making any real change in thei r community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels,and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the bestspeakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness?They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but oneor two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the controlof our pens in our offices and our rooms.

Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to read,continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping"their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little otherthan hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worryabout any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!

(Prove them wrong. Please pass this on! After Reading it..)

***so what do u guys think??***

My Hope is In God

"No one whose hope is in YOU
will ever be put to shame"
Psalm 25:3 a

Up tooo early

so it's 4 something Tuesday morning and I'm WIDE awake. I want to go back to sleep because I'm pretty sure I'll pay for my alertness a little later in the day.God is good.
lots and lots on my mind.

time is rushing by, and there are some advantages to that...i'm a little afraid that it'll rush right by me, without me getting the things done that need to be done. ugh. i'm up against a deadline and that is crazy, not to mention that my day ahead is packed. i have a client to take out, and other such running around to do.

i know, that somehow it will work out. i have faith that the things that seem overwhelming will ultimately come together just in the way it should.

i told Treen, i'd help her paint today...and to be honest, even tho I have fifty other things to do at work, that is my priority. So maybe i'll take a change of clothes with me, so I can get dirty and paint at least a wall...or a door way, or something. lol

i was able to see my friend from Trinidad. it turned into a way more pleasant visit than i'd have ever expected or have been able to predict. so that's good. he got to sit in on one of my rehearsals with my group and he seemed to really enjoy that. i really love, how committed he is to the Lord. it is rare...and refreshing. i'm just happy things worked out.

well...lemme do something with myself...go to sleep, pray...something.
until later