feel like expressing..

it was so close

no, rather, it was here.

i touched it

felt it

tasted it.

it held me

rocked me

wiped my tears.

it filled me with hope

security

i know what it is...

i've known it

but as soon as it was sure

tangible

appreciated...

it was gone

so i catch myself

occassionally

rocking myself to sleep

certain words

certain smells...

and

i miss it

today the tears flowed

as my heart throbbed

the pain beat

of a

love

lost

You...know what?

You...
Is the word that comes to mind.
When I hear a certain song.
It's been a long time since...

I heard something and
felt something
that made me wanna cry.

But you...

make me feel beautiful
the mirror fades outta existence
cause my only reflection
is the one in your eyes.

When you hold me...
I forget tommorow
and yesterday.
and my right now
is forever.

The sun excites me
a little sumthin like
you...
I wanna get up
laugh, put my hair up
the whole nine.

It's funny how you
know what makes me
fuss...
missin you
cry...
needin you
scream...
luvin you

I don't even feel silly
dancing in the mirror
twirling like a little girl
everytime my thoughts go to
you...

just thought I'd let you know
that every now and then
I get a whiff of soul satisfaction...

and it smells
a whole lot like
YOU

CBW2006

My Beautiful Nephews

I'm so proud...you shoulda seen me boo-hooing when I saw them. lol

Sowing Good Seeds

I was talking to my friend Ivan about somethings I had been going through in one of my relationships. He told me about the law of seedtime and harvest. That, in other words, you have to put in what you want out. I appreciated what he was saying however it was problematic to me. This because many times in the past I've sown love, and friendship, trust and concern in relationships and yet reaped betrayal, hurt, lies, and damage. It just didn't seem right.

Then God revealed to me that the good seeds that I've sown have yet to be reaped.
I mean, I'm far from perfect, but when it comes to my friendships and other relationships I put in 100% until and sometimes even after I've been scorned.
Still I've accepted the responsibility to, even in the face of mistreatment, to sow what I would want to recieve. In dealing with Leron, it has made a huge difference in our relationship. I am so happy he is in my life and I can spend more time grateful for what we have rather then frustrated about what we have yet to develop. That's a good feeling.
I mean it is the golden rule...."do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
It has amazed me the benefits that practice is making in my daily relationships.
Try this with someone who drives you crazy...it might make things better by changing your perspective. I figure, I don't have anything to lose because even if I don't get what I want out of my right now situation, my harvest time is coming.

On another note, my friend Kai sent me an email, asking me to describe him in one word. I thought it was a fun email and I sent it out to several people...at my own risk. (lol)
And I just wanted to share the words that I got back...
They really made me smile

• Awesome
• Wonderful
• Friendly
• Beautiful (2x)
• Stinker (that's from my daddy...lol)
• Loving (3x)
• Heart
• Emotional
• Courageous
• Caring (2x)
• Caroving ( caring + loving=caroving) lol

That was neat...what would your one word be??

**Oh yeah I wanted to ask you all to go read a friend of mine's blog. He has an exerpt from a novel he's writing (at least i think it's a novel) go read it and leave your feed back..thanx a lot.

I'm an auntie!!!

HEY!!!
'just wanted to spread the news that on today, March 26th @ 1:00pm,
I became the auntie of two new baby boys!
I'm so excited and my brother is in love!!
God is so good! Please pray for them, they are in the Neonatal ICU, but they are doing good and breathing on their own!!!
I'll keep you posted!

"Now the joy of my world is in".....

Last night at work a 12 year old boy died.
I heard that he had been a sickly child. What's funny is that even though I knew that didn't take away from the tragedy of it, I found a little bit of solace in it.
Because as a parent, when a child dies...your heart goes to that place. You think that it could be your child. I saw his mother and as you would expect, she just looked through. She looked as if she had been drained. Like there was no energy, no more tears, no words...she just sat in the room with him, her face in her hands. She left to go pick up her husband but they never returned.
My first thought was, how could she leave? Why didn't they return to say goodbye?
But suddenly I remembered...my most tragic memory.
When my mom passed, I WOULD'NT GO to the hospital to see her lying there.
I loved her with my whole being but just didn't have the strength to go.
I wondered if the hospital staff questioned why her children didn't come...
But there is no way to say what you would do, until it is you.
I've learned that lesson on countless occassions.

With this in mind, I recognize that each day is precious. I thank God for another day of smiles, health and love in the lives of my children. In the memorable words of Lauren Hill,
" Now the joy of my world is in"...'lijah, Micah, 'Mayah and Jo'!

Springtime Thoughts

"What a wondrous time of Spring, when all the tress are budding. The birds begin to sing, the flowers start thier blooming. That's how it is with God's love. Once you've experienced it, you spread His love to everyone, you want to pass it on!"

So today is the first day of spring, and altho it doesn't feel like it ouside, I'm glad to see the new season. For me, it is symbolic of a lot of things. A time for growth, change, renewal...you know all that. So it's nice.

I guess I don't have to much to say, today I'm kinda taking it easy...probably gonna head over to the gym and clean around the house and that's about it...oh, scrapbooking...I need to do a page or three of scrapbooking. By the way, I hate to be swept up in the trend...but it is brilliant. I come from a family that takes more pix than you can ever use or frame or whatever and scrapbooking is all that!!! I mean you can display your pix in a creative way and tell the story that goes with them. I am addicted. lol. It's a good addiction I think. Try it...you gon' surpise yourself. I used to think it was only for white "soccer moms"...lol

I was in church yesterday and God was really speaking to me about the direction of my life and ministry...one thing in particular that stood out was my urge to resist the call on my life. I mean, my instinct is to run away from being in any sort of ministry. But alas, when God's hand is on your life...you can't run forever.

Well I'ma signoff for now. I'll keep you posted about everything. I think Trina and I are gonna be very busy this coming spring and summer. I have all kind of things I'd like to do, shopping and pedicures not being the least of them. (giggles) I may even be going to Trinidad!!!! WHEWWWEEE!!

What are your plans??

Not without faith...

Just checking in with you. The pic is of me this past Sunday... the kids and I were chillin outside. My week has been going wonderfully. The weather here is tripping tho. Earlier this week the weather was like 70 degrees, yesterday it was snowing. lol
I was thinking, "you gotta be kidding me!" Stop playing with my emotions Lord!!! lol I need the warm weather like a junky needs a fix!!! Trust me, my toes are screaming for pedicures and sandals! (altho I do get my toes done in the winter, just not as often)

I'm also excited about losing this weight. I mean, it's easy to get discouraged...but I'm convinced that the only way I'm gonna get better is to do better. So, I'm trying people and I have faith that my efforts will not go unrewarded.
Monday my baby boy started school. (head start) He is my joy and this was his first school experience. He's never even been in daycare, so I was an emotional wreck getting him ready. But when we got there he was a big 3yr old and sat down and was off and running, so to speak.
So now that he's gone my days are free. I have committed to working out at least 3 times a week, but more than likely it'll be 4-5 days a week. My work out is only a half an hour a day. So, no excuses.

I decided to take my butt to work a few more days than normal this pay period... so that I can get a real decent paycheck and do some shopping and catching up. I have a credit card and I am over 30% of my credit limit and that is a no, no for your credit score, so I gotta get that in order. A sista is buying a crib in the summer and I'm tryna keep interest rates low.

Speaking of which, its so funny to me how people judge you. Trina and I were talking last night about how some of the folx at our job are mad because we are young and black and work when we want and are happy. I mean I'm not rich or even a little close to that. But I don't view myself, my success, my future by what I see. People look at me, as a divorced mom of four and think (and at my job say), "How is she doing this and that..."
You wanna know the answer??? By Faith
This isn't to say that I don't have to work, but rather that I realize me working is not where my sustenance comes from. God is my husband and provider and He always has been.
My kids are my priority, and trust me my time with them is much more valuable than any thing that I could ever buy for them. Investing in their education, emotions, and spirit are paramount to me.Simply.
Yes, I'm buying a home. No, credit is not an issue. Yes, I am successful. Yes, I have joy!
Why? Because I believe in speaking things into existence, doing the work and trusting God for the rest. Folx don't understand that I don't need to be conventionally successful. When I graduated everyone wanted to know what my "career" would be. I always said teaching because I was good at it and it made my family and friends smile approvingly.
But now I don't say much. My goal? To run a business of my own and do ministry in my own not-for-profit org., and real estate investing.
People look at me funny when I say this. They say, "Are you sure you don't wanna just do that on the side." I just think to myself....Think in the box, stay in the box.

I thank the Lord for vision, for an entrepreneurial spirit, and for a heart to do ministry.
"Oh Lord bless me indeed, Enlarge my territory...Oh Lord bless me indeed!"
All this to say, that I try to live and see by faith.

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

My steps are ordered by God. So to all you people confused about the smile on my face...don't be. I'm doing just fine.

When it hits home

I got a phone call on my cell saturday afternoon.

The caller asked had I spoken to my father. Immediately I got worried and asked an apprehensive "why?" He continued saying, "Channel 6 news just called here looking for your dad." My heart was racing..I mean, what could all this be about, is he ok? did something happen? I instinctively repeated my first question. He said that there had been a break in at the church (where my daddy pastors) and that the person was shot.
I was in shock.
I hung up hurriedly and called my daddy. He sounded happy to hear from me, but when I mentioned that the news had called and everything, his voice changed. I heard a heavy but somewhat distant heart. He kinda told me what happened but wasn't much for details and assured me that people were in place taking care of it.

The details I later learned were mostly from the news and newspapers
and from one person who knew the victim.


It turns out that for some undetermined reason the young man, Richard Dunn (19yr old) ran into the church with a knife. Someone called 911. When he fled the police were waiting for him outside. According to the police, Dunn "lunged" at an oficer with the knife. The officer shot him twice. The young man collapsed, got up and ran about 150 yards and then collapsed dead.
(Read the story @ http://www.nbc10.com/newsarchive/7932743/detail.html and http://www.courierpostonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/frontpage)

At my church.

This has nothing to do with me, but so much to do with the world...the state of things.
I'm sad, and angry...and frustrated and down right disappointed.
Angry because I don't believe they had to kill him.
Angry because this young man was never reached...
Someone, or maybe everyone dropped the ball. His parents, the school district and the church.

I keep wondering, what sent him into the church? There are many stores nearby...but he came into the church. And altho it was reported that he "broke in" the church doors are generally open on saturdays...and there were no signs of forced entry.
Perhaps he was tired and didn't know where to go. I don't know.
I don't discount the fact that he had a criminal record, that he had a weapon...
no indeed, I'd have called 911 as well.
But some how he slipped through the cracks. Now he's gone.
Every time a young person dies tragically...we ask ourselves, how can we stop this.
I don't have any anwers besides love and prayer.
I had a nightmare the day he died, but my heavy heart is nothing compared to that of his mother's...or any of his family.

I am so sorry that this happened. Please pray with me for the Dunn family and even for the officer who killed him and the entire Willingboro Community....

prayer changes things.

just clearing up some things...

lol
i'm laughing at myself because i'm so silly.
and the fact that emotions make me flimsy.
some people can just override their emotions with
ease. you know, brain over heart.
not i, said the cat. lol

i'm all heart. all love. all emotion.
altho i recognize the need to temper that
with some wisdom, intellect, and discretion.
it just isn't as easy as it seems to put
those things into action.

especially when i care about you.
as soon as i get good and ready
to walk away from you...
you find a way to pull me back in.

you call, send me a pic
remind me of what you can do
for me. lol
and i go for it.
silly me....

such a girl....
so in love...

but you don't love me.
you don't have time for me.
you like having me in the wings tho
don't you?
think i'm mindless enuf
to believe your
schuckin and jiving? lol

you don't give me enuf credit.
i sent u a text message last night.
i was saying that...
i have one man in particular
and about three in general
that call me
wanna come see
wanna be with me...
lol
but naw, i'm not interested
cause of you, that is.

they try to touch me?
i move away.
a kiss?
forget about it.
sex??
not even a little bit.

ha!
i'm so silly...
and so is this whole thing.
but as they say, matters of the heart...
complicated
to say the least
the very least.

ugh!
i'm so disappointed in my self
my lack of firmness
not being steadfast.
my yes being yes
and my no, no.

but don't get it twisted
i understand
i see the picture
i can take a hint
i get the point...
lol
the thing is
you don't want me to.

you want your empty
confessions of love to hold me.
you think that telling me
that you want to
please me
see me
love me
is enough....

but naw,
it ain't.
actions MUST follow.

so...
this time.
PLEASE
just let me walk away.
don't call
don't text
none of that.

because you aren't serious
and really...
neither of us have the time.

life is short
and i need to clear the way,
my heart and mind
for the things
and the man
that GOD has for me.

because

it's because i love you so much...
that's the reason why i can let my heart and my body wonder
back to you.

because you were mine and i was yours

first.
because it isn't fair that we are over.

because all i did was love you.
maybe i was young, nieve, maybe i wanted too much...
but i loved you never the less, blindly.
i fought through so much.
but surely it's because i love you so much
that i can't think of you being happily ever after with anyone else.
although deep inside i believe it is inevitable.

change? a curse word to you.
why? because u think somehow it makes u less of a man.
that i'm tryna change YOU.
but no. because i love you...

i wanna see YOU be the best possible YOU.
i see so much good...so much potential in you.
good that the enemy has tried repeatedly

to corrupt, taint, pervert and ultimately destroy.
you do know that is what he wants...

the enemy of your soul.
but i love you and God loves you.
all i ever wanted was to see you be the man that you can be.

i remember the past

and even some of the present

and it hurts me...

deep deep down in my soul.

my heart is so damaged, deeply scarred.

because i've loved you so much...

that is why now it can't be anything without a divine touch from God.
without change.

where ever you are tonight i pray that you are safe.

i pray that God is speaking audibly to you.

i hope something reminds you that you know what it is to be truly loved.

i pray that in this life you reach your potential.

this is my prayer...because i love you

*this is a letter i wrote to a man who wants to put "us" back together...

it moved me enuf to wanna share.

ttyl

The Baby Shower (some of the pix)

Isn't she beautiful ya'll???

March Madness

Life has been keeping me away from my blog.

I'm not mad at it though. March so far has been very busy and I anticipate it continuing on in the same way. I have plans for every weekend this month. All plans that I am commited to, and that never really happens like that. This coming weekend I will be celebrating my first born's birthday. I am excited, altho with all my kid's birthdays I get excited!!! Elijah is turning 7 years old on friday!!! Whew! he's getting old and it's so funny to see him growing up and I can so vividly remember carrying him and delivering him and falling in love with him when they put him in my arms. All of my children are beautiful, but Eli was the prettiest newborn that I had. :)My doctor said that he was as pretty as a little girl. (awwwh!)

But he's a sure nuff rough and tumble little boy right now, who seems to think 7 is 17. lol
I've had to threaten him a few times last week about taking away his birthday if he didn't get his attitude together. His dad was there when I said it once and promptly informed Elijah that no body can take his birthday away. I laughed and told 'lijah to try me and see...
I think he'll go with me on this one...it's in his best interest.
But now, I'm stuck.
I'm not sure what I'll do. I really don't wanna do a party. I just threw a huge baby shower for my bro...and frankly as much as I love to be the hostest with the mostest, I want a break this weekend. So I was thinking I'd take him and a friend or two out. Movies, dinner and miniture golfing/arcade...or bowling....and he can pick out his own outfit and toy...whadda u think?

Well n e way, if I don't blog a whole lot in March you'll understand why, upcoming events, getting in shape, starting a business, in a new homeownership program, working on my relationsips and trying to get my devotional life and habits on track. So, busy, busy, busy....
but I'll be posting some pictures real soon and I'll check in as much as I can.

luv ya'll

BYE BYE BLACK HISTORY MONTH

There are so many other pictures I could've posted. But here are just a few of our most precious people and some of our best and worst memories. Sad to see February go. Yet it reminds me to keep the history... victories and tragedies of my people alive every day.