Using my words...

it oughta be enuf
to know that you don't care
or that you'll never call.

it should be enuf
to love someone else
or to imagine you doing the same.

it oughta be enuf
the tears that I've shed,
the drenched pillows
and the time apart.

it should be enuf
the pain that won't cease
or the hope gone
inside of me.

you'd think it'd be enuf
to make me erase the thought
to forget you ever were

forget the nights we spent
the long phone calls
the instant connection.

you'd think it'd be enuf.
But it isn't and it hasn't been.

Because every now and then
I feel a flutter in my tummy.
And I remember how you made me feel.

Every now and again
I fall in love with a moment, a scent, a picture
and I think of you.

Every now and then he kisses and touches me.
And I wish it were you.

Every now and then I still love you.
Unrequited...
and I know it.
that, oughta be enuf

Still every now and then
I remember and feel
the love I have for you.
'tho it may never be enough.
CBW

Weekend Words of Encouragement

someone sent me this as a forward, and i wanted to pass it on.
have a blessed weekend!

Don't spend major time with minor people .
If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams, too judgmental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...that is not a friend.

To have a friend, you must be a friend. Sometimes in life as you grow , your friends will either grow or go . Surround yourself with people who reflect values, goals interests and lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better. At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and EASIER to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, " Birds of a feather flock together." If you're an eagle , don't hang around chickens: Chickens Can't Fly!

Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's life. Heal the past; live the present; dream the future!!

I'm in love...

I have 4 children...as you all probably know by now.
And I am just enamored with them!! Each one for a different reason and all because God saw fit to give them to me! But I just looked at my 3yr old, who stays home with me, and my heart melted.

I have to admit that this little boy has me wrapped around his finger! Tuesday night I went out with my girls and around midnight I thought to myself..."I can't wait to get in bed and snuggle up wit my little jojo." Can u believe that?

Yesterday someone asked Jonah if he could marry me...lol...Jo put his thumb down. So when I asked him who I could marry (I expected him to say "daddy") He said, "nobody!"
I later asked him why and he said cause I'm his. AWWH!

Today we went to Walmart and on our way Trey Songz's song "Gotta Go" came on. Jojo started singing, "it's calling my body." I laughed and thought , "you ain't got no body to be singing about" Trina woulda said, "get the belt Chan." lol

A little bit ago I looked over at him and he was lying on top of his dresser (it is short enough for him to get on and off) and watching the "backyardigans" and singing along. I was like..."you better sing that song pumpkin." hehehe

Now he's sitting on the back of my chair with his arms around my neck and his face on my face. I just had to blog about it...cause he's got me twisted and I'm still in love!!!

What tha hizzi is this dude thinking??

Can somebody pah-leeease tell me what Kanye was thinking?!
I mean...come on. like, Jesus dude?? U gon' pose like JESUS?...the Christ?
Are you kidding me?
This isn't artwork, it ain't cute, there is no great message being sent..it's just stupid!Not offensive..just dumb. Not only are u posing as JESUS, but him beaten with a crown of thorns??!!??? Kanye is admittedly a believer in Jesus...so that makes this even worst. I mean does he think so highly of himself that he feels kool posing as his Savior??...not playing the role of Jesus in some play or movie with a message...but posing on frickin Rolling Stone???
Like, "ta-daw, man! I'm the HOLY ish!!!! I need like all da grammys and since George Bush don't like black people...I'ma make the hottest music n save they souls"...lol
you gotta b kiddin me.

He said I'm his HERO

Wow...
yesterday my dad came to visit me. I had called me last week and told him I wanted to spend some time together and that I needed some guidance on the things I'm doing financially and otherwise.
So he came and I shared my worries, my hopes, my goals, and my financial savings. He told me about his own financial journey and some people that he knows that helped him. Needless to say he gave me some numbers, pointed me in some directions, perhaps most importantly...
He told me that I was on the right track. That, in spite of how I feel or how it looks to keep moving in faith and to believe God for the rest. I told him my short term goals and that my long term goal was to own a house per child. He encouraged me...and said that He believed that I would have it.
Then he said something that blew my top off...so to speak. lol
He said "today I was talking to someone and I told them that 'my daughter is my hero.' " He continued to say that it is amazing to him how I have overcome in spite of the adversity and the many odds against me. Referencing: losing my mom at 15, getting pregnant at 17, still going to college, having 3 more babies, getting married, being abused, being homeless, getting divorced, and finishing college...lol
He said that it was amazing that I have pressed my way with very little help, that many have given up for less, and that if anyone could achieve those goals, it was me.

It may not seem like much... I always believed that he was proud...maybe because of the way he winks at me every Sunday from the pulpit, maybe it's how he calls me his "baby"...but I've never heard him say that he's seen all that I've been through and recognizes that it hasn't been easy...and the fact that I have persevered, makes me his HERO!?!

I don't think I'm any kind of hero because I recognize that everything that has been overcome and accomplished through me has been all the doing of the Lord! But to hear my daddy say something so sweet...That's pretty amazing.

*ya'll know u love my black she-ra over there...lol

Emotions

People don't like to deal with emotions...mostly because it involves vulnerability and being vulnerable is all together taboo now a days. Besides after enough hurt, we instinctively want to guard ourselves.

I told you all that I had met a man that was showing me the sweet side of courtship. A "sport" that I figured was close to extinct. But he as well as J (look back in the summer archives) helped restore my faith in the possibilities.
These last couple of days have been especially emotional. Meeting a new man is exciting but in my case my excitement is being tempered by unresolved emotions from a relationship that abruptly ceased. Without closure.

My struggle is, how do I move forward now? I like the new guy. Still deep inside I'm unsettled. It's like that Dru Hill song, "What do I do with the love?" I still have a persistent love for someone else. I don't see him, we don't talk...but he is constantly on my mind, in prayers and in my heart.

Still there is someone who is physically here. Who I enjoy spending time with and my heart is still holding out. It seems clear that letting go and moving forward is my only option, but doing it is difficult. As my connection to this past relationship is emotional.

So I'm praying so that I'll have the strength to truly let go and be open and available to whatever and whomever God has in store for me.

I'm conceited...I got a reason

"See I look to good for this necklace
And I look to good to be wearing this
You know I look way too good to be innocent
I'm conceited I got a reason
See I look way to good to be driving that
And I look to good to be buying that
You know I look way to good to be trying that
I'm conceited I got a reason" Remy Martin

Lemme just say...I'm so tired of that song! If I had 50 cents for every time I've heard it played in the past 7 days I'd be on my way to riches like 50 cent! The first hundred times I heard it, I was like "this song sux." First of all, it's triflin' and ghetto to have a song about how good you look and how conceited you are. Secondly, she don't look all that cute..I'm no hater..but come on. Are you cute enough to make a song about how cute you are?? That's questionable...You be the judge

Come on..she's no Beyonce..or even Kelly, hell..she's no Michelle. Naw, I'm kidding.

But then I got to thinking... there actually is some virtue in this song. If for one second you ignore the "ghetto-ness" (ha!) and sing along...you might just start feeling it. I done seen some of the most...let's say, not so cute to the hottest chix singing that song and MEANING it.

That's pretty awesome...cause more than half the battle of finding self worth and even being attractive is in your mind and attitude. I've had my struggles with feeling "un-pretty" or not thin enough, or not light enough or what have you. But I've come to realize that when you believe you are beautiful and you carry yourself like..."ain't nobody better than me" it translates...in other words folx see it, feel it, and believe it.

So I started thinking...this joint (tha song) could just become my anthem..lol. Imagine that. That even if you don't see my beauty...even if I'm not a Beyonce' or whomever else graces the magazine covers or pops it in a video...I still look too good to be feeling bad! :)

Being a dime is so much more about what you believe about yourself, about learning, growing, having goals, being spiritually grounded, being able to provide for self and your kids (if you have any) then it is about how "perfect" you look! So wit that in mind, sing it wit me ladies... "I'm conceited I got a reason!"

Some random stuff

For all of you who asked if I was planning on a second date... He took me to Charley Brown's for dinner. Dinner was nice...he's so silly...he had me laughing so much. The waitress tried to say it was my strawberry daquiri...but it wasn't. I had a good time.

I was just typing and turned around and my three year old son had on a power ranger mask and was fighting this 2 foot Batman, flipping him upside down and throwing him across the room. With every move he poses and says, "pow...take that!" ...hehehe.. I was cracking up!! so cute!

I don't have too much to say today. I'm happy and blessed. The kids are doing good and school and that's a big deal...yesterday I was doing homework with my middle child and he kept confusing numbers and letters. I know it's not a big deal, but it can be very frustrating and stressful as a mom. So when I see that they are catching on...it does my heart good.

I really like this song on my page by DC. It is a throwback to Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love." At least in my estimation. I really like songs that have a message. And yeah it's true if we all stand up for life and for love it would change the world...but we won't all stand for any one thing. With that in mind, we can still choose to stand for something worthwhile and make a difference...maybe not worldwide, but at least in our corner of the world. I'ma try that...starting with my little ones.

Oh 4 all my local friends Trina and I are throwing a Valentine's Day Celebration...it will be the Friday before Valentine's Day. At a location to be announced. I didn't wanna call it a party because we're dressing up and all...no sneakers, or jeans. I'm excited, tryna get my line dance on...lol...Don't sleep..we be gettin it on the dance floor. :)
Be looking out for your official invites and evites...it's for couples and singles.


Well anyway, that's all for now...I'll be back soon enough.
ciao

Chivalry is not dead

Tonight I had a breath of fresh air.
I was invited out on a spur of the moment date. The man, I knew very little about.
He arrived to pick me up directly from work in his vehicle. When he got there I wasn't ready yet so he patiently waited while I finished up. I got in the car and we went to the movies.
We talked a little and somehow we ended up discussing the loss of my mom. I got teary eyed and felt the need to end the conversation...it was just a place I wasn't willing to go with a new person. He told me that he hoped one day I would find the person with whom I could share all my emotions and be un afraid to let it all out. I agree with those sentiments.
Tonight, I paid nothing, it was an easy connection. He opened every door for me...it was just wonderful.

To you, this may not be a big deal. But to me it is. Finally a man who doesn't need anything from me. Not a place to stay, not a ride, not a loan til pay day, not even a kiss...just my company.
Man, that's refreshing. I don't feel any thing profound, no butterflies...it's not even like I can see past tonight, but still...it was wonderful to be picked up, to be treated like a lady, to be complimented.
I've been with too many men that left it to me to assume that they thought I was pretty.
Tonight...he told me that I was beautiful, tonight he gazed at me, tonight he marveled at what a "lady" I am...he made me feel like I mattered and assured me that chivalry isn't dead.

That feels good.

tryna look glamourous

Hey here is a pic of me at the gospel ball...I wanted to fix it up, but I don't have photoshop...so I'm looking kinda crzy..and a little demon possesed with the red eyes n all...but I thought I'd share...smooches!

*the shoes r hott tho!

The scary thing...

Have you ever seen something in yourself that was scary? I mean have you ever heard yourself say something that you couldn't believe you said? Or felt a way that in your idealized self you never would? The answer is more than likely yes.
Today I read someone's blog and she was talking about how evil she was today. It made me think because earlier today, I sent an email that wasn't nasty but straight forward to a fault. On the other hand I began composing another email that was going to be extremely emotionally bare and sweet.
I think we are capable of surprising ourselves because to some extent we are constantly discovering more and more, no matter how old we are. Somethings we may never find about ourselves...if our circumstances never push us to.
For instance, unless you've been abused you don't know how you would react in the situation. Or unless you are in a life threating situation, you don't know what you are capable of doing in order to survive. These are extreme cases...but the same is true in life altogether.
I was always sweet, nice, innocent but time, hurt, and experiences have exposed an uglier side of me. The things that if another person called me on, I'd deny.

I remember visualizing a way I could vandalize my ex mother-in-law's house. I was thinking about taking off my shoes (since the driveway was noisy gravel) tip-toeing slowly up to the house at night and slashing every tire on all three cars in the driveway and spray painting BITCH across the garage. I was serious tho, and that was scary...
The circustance pushed me. She was suing me for an unsubstantiated amount of money that she claimed to have loaned me and her son throughout the years we were married. Even claiming to have given me money to buy diapers on several occassions...I wanted to scream at the thought. I wish she woulda paid for them dag on diapers!!! Then she was trying to sue me for visitation of my kids...which she already had because my ex was living with her and he had them every other weekend. She tried everything...all the way to slander to hurt me. She made the ugly come out.

Then, at the end of my realationship with my ex-boyfriend...I found some text messages he had sent to this other chick about me saying things like..."i don't really want her" and "i'm just trying to get her to drop this restraining order" (a whole nutha story) When I read those text messages...I saw RED. I had been thru a bunch of crap with him, and loved him through it...but that??
No sir. He was living with me. So before he came home from work...I threw ALL of his clothes out on the street and locked him out. See that nigro pulled the ugly out.
He was beggin and crying. But I wasn't beat...and when I finally opened the door it was to fight him...I mean I know he could probably beat me..but I wanted to fight. I started pushing him and chasing after him...but he kept running telling me he didn't wanna F me up. He wasn't running from me as much as he was running from going to jail...refer back to the restraining order. lol...ugliness
(btw, I wasn't snooping..he'd sold his phone to my brother without erasing the texts..my brother, who didn't care for him, eagerly showed me the horrid text messages!)

Yeah, so certain situations have caused me to act in ways that when I take a step back...blows my mind. But realization is freeing and the only way that I can change. It's also the reason that I love God, He loves me anyway.

It ain't EVEN that serious!

I've found, over the last, let's say week or so, that some stuff just ain't that serious. As I said to you I've moved back home and getting settled is always consuming. So I've been away from the computer and from some of my regular correspondences and so on. I don't pay my cell phone...and unfortunately the person who does recently got into some financial straits, so my phone is temporarily (I hope..lol) off. So I haven't recieved many calls...with the exception of about 3 of the persistent who've chased me down @ my otha number. At first I was distressed about the lack of communication with certain folx, stressed about not keeping up with my blogspot...and all that kinda thing. Then one day I just decided that aw, it ain't that serious...I'm not gonna die without it...lol
I was talking to my girl today. She told me that an aquaintance of ours and she would be going out on Friday. I immediately felt myself getting a little possesive. I had to slow my roll...I've always been very protective of my friends, but I've matured a lot and when I feel those sorts of feelings now, I get a grip. I had to take a deep breathe and realize (again) that her other relationships DON'T have any bearing on our relationship. Come on Chan! It's not that serious...so I woo saaah'ed and let it go.
On another note, I have a slightly older (10 or so yrs) male "friend"...who has been that for about 18months now. He has always been consistent and sometimes convenient. So to speak. I was talking to him the other day and while we were on the phone he was flirting with another woman(at his gig)...all the while calling me baby and asking when was I coming to visit. So I say to him "hey, u need me to call u back?" He insists that I stay on the phone. Then he puts me on hold. So after about point 2 seconds I bang. "I'll be dag on..." (lol) So he calls back like babe, why u hang up? I coulda told him but you know what???.....that's right it ain't that serious. So we kept talking and he asked me to come over and since I was frying fish for dinner to bring him a plate. I said "I'll be there." We hung up. I said to myself "humph, I ain't going." Listen, I am not even a little bit beat to have this man even pretend to think like he's playing me...another youngin in his arsenal...no sir. It ain't even serious like that, so I stayed home.
Continuing on, I called my self being stressed out about some fake, non existent...even if it did exist meaningless drama between myself and whoever. I took a step back from the situation and thought...are you kidding me? In the big scheme of things, and stuff that matters this don't. To each it's own...experience is a teacher...I ain't got anotha word to say, cause it really ain't even serious like that.
The same thing goes for the crap I been dealing with from my ex...pish posh. I confided in him something that had happened to me that was so embarrasing and hurtful that I'd only told two other people in earnest. Do you know this guy told my kids and made a joke out of it? After pretending to be supportive. My kids? They r babies...they didn't even know what they were saying when they repeated his words. I confronted him on it and he just laughed it off. God brought that to my remembrance today....He doesn't love me. Even though he says he does, all the time. He doesn't wish the best for me...to him it's all competition...to me it has always been love. But you know what??? I thank God for freedom and clarity...If you're reading...man, you think you still got control...but whatever has held me in the past, it ain't that serious...and it's in the past.

*Ain't no feeling like being free When your mind's made up

And your hearts in the right place, yeah

Ain't no feeling like being free

When you've done all you could

but was misunderstood

(It's all good, it's all good)

Ain't no feeling like being free

I'm like an eagle set free

finally I'm looking out for me

Ain't no feeling like being free

Cause my minds made up

And my heart is in the right place, yeah

Life is too short to get caught up and twisted up in stressin over a bunch of things that are meaningless...you know?

o btw, I have a "semi" internet stalker...it's kinda crazy. Dood just popped up outta no where. He sent me a nice email or two, so I sent one back and said thanx for the nice words...ever since i done got about 12 consecutive emails...that kinda got me trippin. So I'm like whoa man! I mean, I'm sure you're cool and all...but 12 emails in a row...is it that serious??

*Ne way... to any of ya'll that still stop thru and show a sista luv by reading and by saying wssup in my comments...thanx.

It's a New Year!

Hey!
Lot's has gone on over these past two weeks. Sorry I've been away, but I'm sure you understand. I have so much to say.... My holidays were wonderful, and I'm praying that yours were as well.
Amongst other things I spent a bunch of time with my family and friends and that was wonderful...I almost had a fight with my dad's wife. She screamed at my son like he had a tail because she saw him come outta her room. But I sent him in there to get his coat, only after guests were in and out of there (on tour) and getting their coats. All this after she had told me not to yell at my kids cause it "bothered her." I had to literally grab my babies and run to the car so I didn't go biserk! When I walked out, the door slammed behind me, and she opened it up and whispered "don't slam!' (so my dad couldn't hear her I guess)...I told Trina and she said I shoulda said..."You better be glad it was the door and not you!" I shoulda huh?? lol.
But naw, instead I took the high road and just drove away with angry tears in my eyes...I'm not beat for that drama. So we won't be visiting their "new crib" again.

On New Years Eve...I was supposed to work but I got cancelled. So I went to philly and visited an old friend. He was all by himself and it was kool we could bring the New Year in together. He kept thanking me for coming and lookin at my legs and toes, asking me to marry him. I just laughed. When midnight struck, we weren't really paying attention and we heard pops....lol...I was like, oh no! gunshots (it's from living in DC)...he was trying to figure out if the bullets could come in the window and get us. We just laughed. It was fire crackers btw.

After I left...I was hungry and everything was closed, so I took myself, a good book and some money he'd given me to a diner. (the reason I LOVE Jersey) The waiter kept bringing me hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream...(on the house) He asked with my last one...if I bring you another one will you stay all night?? I giggled. The nerve of these dudes.



On another note, I also decided to move back to New Jersey for a few months to help me prepare to buy a home. My goal was originally to buy a crib with my bro...but now that he is expecting babies and all and all in love...it looks like he'll be settling down. Just not with me....what? I'm kool wit that. lol
Seriously, I'm so happy to see him evolving into such a man, I will happily move aside as he moves forward.

So now, in 2006, I'm making no resolutions. As they typically are broken...but I'm determined to move forward and become better. I'm just taking things day by day...praying...trying to live life to the full, in spite of the twists in turns that it entails.

Happy New Year Ya'll!