Needing A Reminder

Right when I'm feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed, lonely, or unappreciated God sends me a reminder of who I am, and how many people care about me.

It began on Wednesday...I had promised a young man from my church I'd take him to lunch. He recently returned from serving in Iraq and he used to be one of my "youths."
He returned to his station in Georgia on Saturday. So before he left, I promised that we'd have a chance to sit and talk away from the church.
So we went to eat. I felt silly being the mentor as he dwarfed me by an entire foot! Anyway, we sat down and began talking. Sharing things from Iraq, to the Lord, to our personal relationships...
At some point the conversation switched.
He began to mentor ME! He talked about his faith, about how $20,000 had been stolen from his bank account but because of his faith he still was able to purchase a 2006 Nissan Altima. I just looked at this MAN in amazement.
When we got on the topic of relationships, I shared with him some of what I'd been going through and he just reminded me, so sweetly how worthwhile I AM.
He basically told me, I don't have to take nothing from no one. He said, "if he needs time to think, give it to him, and then you decide when he comes back if you have time." He told me the problem with most women is that they don't have the inner strength to say NO, and stand by it.
I flushed, thinking back to the times I've broken up with someone only to call them back the next day like, "baby I was trippin." Why? cause I didn't like the feeling, of making him mad, of being alone, the idea that he might find some one better.
All telling of my own self assurance.
I just smiled at him and listened. As we left he stepped outta my hoop ride, walked past his new whip and came around to hug me. He mighta smothered me in his hug, but at that moment I felt so loved, so appreciated, so reminded...that I could wait to breathe. lol

Then last night, my best friend called me. I was so happy. She was supposed to work...and the man who I'd waited all day for all of a sudden had a party to attend. Part of me wanted to stay home and sulk. The other part of me was determined to go out and forget his foolishness. I had been bombarded with phone calls from people trying tie me down for the night. But I truly wasn't beat...I wiggled my way out of committing to anyone. But then Trina called. I was thinking "YES"
that's my girl ya'll. Prolly if u just read our blogs you'd think it is impossible. We are truly like night and day. Some folx might be mad at me, but I feel like God placed her in my life!!
Alright, I ain't gonna gush. When we went out last night she said "chan u just 'gush' all over that blog...brotha buck was like 'you just lovey,lovey,lovey" we just laughed and i said "that's just me Treen" and she agreed that's just how I'm is. lol
Going out with her was so on time. Our "dudes" figured as late as we were out, we wuz with other men, and we just laughed and enjoyed each other so much. It didn't even matter.
It's so good to have real friends. That you can be straight up with, act ugly in front of, cry with, laugh with, SHOP WITH, everything. I have lots of folx in my life that I love but that girl! whew!

Wonderful reminders... and right on time!

My hiding place...

My Hope For You

Why?

Why is it that you have to play games in life to get what you want?

I hate to harp on the issue of relationships, but I was thinking about this and it's got me so frustrated. I mean...why can't we just be real with one another?
So much hurt...from whatever source, I concluded, has caused the game playing.
What's the game u ask???
It's the "I'm not that interested, chase me game."
Somehow, one of the people in the relationship (particularly in the beginning) has to pretend like they can take it or leave it. I mean, I've done it before. Not too often, but never the less.
Anytime I play that part...the man (whomever) is all about the chase...all about loving me. THE MOMENT, I say okay...I feel that too. It's the fall back. Are you kidding me?
I mean, come on now.

I get frustrated because anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a very (perhaps to a fault) loving person. I just love folx. I mean, when I decide to love someone...that's that.
So when I expose myself emotionally I get run over...It's happened multiple times.
So I'm sad tonite...that's right for once, no upbeat posts.

My feelings are hurt, my heart is discouraged. Why do my exes want me so badly now?? "nodoby ever loved me like you", "nobody can... like you", "I love you", "I need you",
"I miss you"
But why now?
Can somebody tell me that? Why didn't u love me like that when I was loving you so hard?
Why didn't you love me like that when you was sleeping with her? How bout when u kicked me down the steps? How bout when I was living in a motel, pregnant ? Why didn't you love me like that when I needed someone to hold me? When I was loving you? When I was real with you?
Why? I wasn't the object of your affections when I couldn't sleep at night, throwing up, SICK because I didn't know where you were. Dead? With another woman?
The nights I cried myself to sleep when you was on lock? I, holding you down?

Now you love me.

What's up with this pattern? It must be me, but I swear all I did was love them.
Somebody asked me last night...when are you gonna get tired of settling for less than what u deserve?

Last night I was riding in my "boyfriends" brand new, amazing, clout raising vehicle with tears rolling down my cheeks and I wondered to myself...Will it ever change?

I still got hope, and maybe I shouldn't. But I'm hoping...one day, I'm not gonna have to play no games to get affection, I'm not gonna have to be beat up and walked on to earn true love and I'm not gonna have to settle for the things that look nice...

If my steps are ordered by God, and I believe they are then I just have to believe there is purpose in all this and that one day it's gonna be real.

I overcome

Howdy! Well I wanted to catch up wit ya'll...
I don't have anything funny or witty to say tonite.
I told u I was gonna put my v-day friend (we'll call him L.B for now on) in the friends category.
However, after much thought and discussion I've decided to hold off on shifting him as of yet.
He still makes me feel nice and he reminded me this morning that I told him that when I'm with him I see stars...lol
So we'll see how long this lasts.

On to other more important things...

I chose this Faith Evans song because I feel like it's my own song. My testimony or something. That I've been through a lot of mess and made some bad decisions and felt a whole lotta pain, but I wouldn't change it because I know I am better because of it all.
Today @ church we celebrated my dad and his wife's 7th year anniversary there. It was really nice. Last night we had a joy night which was a part of this celebration. I was asked to sing in appreciation 4 my daddy. When I was up singing I kept looking @ my dad and denise and they were standing and smiling...and well, that was good enuf for me. I mean we've been through a bunch...dealing with church folx (which is no easy task) but we are all so much stronger because we've overcome this far...u feel me?

Oh yeah, I know that I told you I was gonna post b4 pics of me...on my journey to weight loss. I will, but my battery died in my digi cam and I have to go to Wally world and get some rechargeable ones. Then I can post the pic. I have started my diet changes, but I won't start walking until the first week in March. It is, however, official that I will be training with TEAM IN TRAINING. I will complete my first marathon later this year, and I'll start my official fundraising in the summer. (so get ready to dig in your pockets, I will have to raise approx 2500) :) This marathon is raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. My mother died from Hodgkins Disease Lymphoma in 1996.

Change is difficult but so necessary. I know all things are possible with the Lord. So, I'm ready to sacrifice and press forward in order to achieve my goals. (physical, emotional, and spiritual) Whadda 'bout you?

take care er'ybody.

My Love Life

So, I went ahead and went out with dude on Vday. We just chilled ate some pizza, boo-luved and that kinda thing. It was a real nice night. When he arrived he said that he'd forgotten my gift...lol. So I said it's kool, I wasn't expecting anything anyway.
So we're chillin and I start to fall asleep and he says baby, I got ur stuff in the car." I was like "what stuff?" He said. "your gift." So he leaves to go to his car. Twenty minutes later
(I hear the collective awwhh man! lol) I think to myself, Where is this nigro's car? In east giblip? I'm like...this dag on nigro is going to buy me something. So when he comes back in...I put my hand out like, give me whatever. So he pulls out a box of David Bradley chocolate covered strawberries and a singing teddy bear and a card. The best part was probably reading the card. But anyway I say to him, "where did u go?" He says "to my car" I say "you didn't go to no car...it wouldn't have taken that long."He says that it took him that amount of time to write in the card. I took that.
I found out that the candy store he went to was right around corner from where we were.
So I was right...but my problem was that he knew that I had put out money to celebrate his birthday/valentine's day. I bought a birthday cake, some chocolates, a birthday and vday card, and dinner among other things. I probably spent about $ 170. Which depending who u are may or may not be a lot. But it was significant for me. I didn't expect that in return. This man has always been a gentleman (and continues to be) I never pay for anything so I didn't mind footing the bill last night...but I just didn't appreciate his lack of fore thought. Does that make sense?
Like, he called me making sure we were going to go out...but he came empty handed.
It's kool. I guess the chocolate covered strawberries make it all better. (humph)
Overall tho, I had a nice night. But it's the friends category for him. Hate to do it but...
(hehehe)

I spoke to an exboyfriend earlier this week. He told me that if it didn't work out with any of "the other cats" he was always available. I just smiled and thought "naw." He said "I'm serious girl, I'll marry you. You can cook and everything." I thought that was funny, like being able to cook in itself is qualifying wife criteria. lol. Maybe it is ion know. I thought his words were a nice gesture, but once in the friend category...it just ain't nuthing.

Then last night, my ex-husband said to me (after we had a deep and emotional convo/arguement) "I'm not your prince charming, just a nigga that fell in love and did some f'd up sh.. along the way, what am i supposed to do?" His words resonated with me...I mean I heard them clearly because it was real. He was not my prince charming, not the one I should've waited on..but somehow he's the one that I chose to love. He says he wants us to be back together, and many times I've wished it were possible... but the consequences of some of that f'd up stuff is life long and I can not accept it in a marriage. Sometimes I forget how deep the scar runs...how intense the damage. Last night I remembered.

Finally, in a previous post called "Emotions" I talked about someone who I still loved but wasn't in contact with. Well I sent out a group email to many of my friends and he was one of them. I named them individually and told them what they meant to me. To him I wrote "I still love you. I miss you so much I feel it in my dreams." I didn't expect a response. I had emailed him once before and he didn't respond and I'd dropped a Christmas card in his mailbox and he never contacted me...so I kinda chalked it up. Well, he responded this time. The email started out, "Girl, you never cease to m-aze me" he continued on to tell me it was good to hear from me and to give "dap" to my bro and my kids. lol. But for once I felt something other than love. I was hurt. Hurt because his email was still so "middle of the road" no real sense of anything other than...I'm here, glad you're there. U know? Hurt because, I never did anything to deserve being ignored, or for him to pick and choose when he'll dignify me with a response. I do love him...but maybe feeling that hurt is the beginning of my letting go.
Who knows?

Take care ya'll

Happy Kissy Face Day!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to YOU!!
Ya'll are gonna be mad at me but I think I'm gonna disappear later on today.
What I mean is that I been stressed out about what I was gonna do for my guy friend.
As u witnessed in my last post. I wanted to be sure he would be happy and that my money would be str8. But I think I've decided to chalk it up and not be around when he gets off tonite.
B4 u go thinking I'm just a jerk...last night we spoke briefly and he said he'd call me back...but he didn't. Okay, maybe he went to sleep or something right?? Well in general if I don't call him in the morning he calls me. I called him twice and got no answer and I haven't heard from him either.So maybe he's tryna avoid tonite too...lol
So when he does call, I just might not be available. Keep my duckets in my pocket and take myself out for some hot chocolate. yum! lol
Yeah, that's right I take myself out and love it...maybe I'll buy a good book and take it to dinner!!! Fun!

So whether you are single or bunned up...enjoy today.
While we oughta show love everyday, we generally don't. So take this day just to tell someone they mean something to you...

*off to walmart to get cards and candy for the kids and bigmom*

side bar:I just love this song....
"you should make me your girl, your girl!!!"

luv ya'll!!

Scrapbooking and Valentine's Day

Hey...
not much to say today, but i still wanted to check in with all my blog peoples.
the kids are with their daddy tonight and i got the night to myself...
usually i'd take the opportunity to go out or something, but not tonite.
i just finished a few hours of scrapbooking.i'm currently doing a scrapbook for each child and a family scrapbook. tonite i was able to finish one page for each one of the kids books!! i feel like i accomplished something. yippie!

ok...i kinda can't wait to get married again!! my wedding was pretty the first time, but boy am i gon' outdo myself the next time around...i think mainly because when it happens again it will be such a celebration! i mean after all the hardship and waiting for that person...
whew! i might just skip down the isle. lol

speaking of love and relationships and the like....here comes Valentines Day. i'd be lying if i didn't say that i have all kinds of anxiety concerning the holiday. V-day happens to be the birthday of the guy i'm seeing. so i'm wondering...does he see it as V-day or his birthday or both?? like will he think it's all about him and forget me? i can't very well tell him to remember it's V-day too. does that sound petty?? typically i'd spend very little money on this holiday...now i have a conundrum, what's a girl to do? what tha heck do you get a man for birthday/valentine's day n e way? o boy.

Far Above Rubies (Proverbs 31) Coretta Scott King

Hi everybody...
I've been busy tryna to heal from surgery, so I haven't had much to say.

I really don't like to blog about the stuff everybody in the world is blogging about, but I can't help but blog about Coretta Scott King. I watched most of her funeral online including pictures of her in the casket...which by the way were amazing. I mean dead people always look exceptionally dead in their casket...no matter the lighting, the makeup, whatever.
Maybe because I wasn't there in person, but in the pictures she looked beautiful. You could definitely tell that no expense was spared. Rightfully.

I enjoyed the service...listening especially to Bill Clinton, Maya Angelou and mostly Attallah Shabazz. I found it funny watching the Bushes on stage as references were made to racial inequality, the color of the Katrina victims, weapons of mass destruction, and corrupt leadership. I thought it was very funny...watching dude squirm, and have to be there in front of a sea of black people (who cheered like fools for Clinton)http://www.riehlworldview.com/carnivorous_conservative/
(read what bush followers say)

But back to Ms. Shabazz...she approached the podium and I wanted to be surprised, but I wasn't. After all, as she said her family and the King family were sibling families...linked by the cause and the tragic lost of their patriachs. She moved me to tears...she was visibly shaken and broken. Still through the tears flecks of her father (Malcolm X) shone through as she was able to speak with such poise, candor and articulation. Not to mention that when she smiled...instant pictures of her fathers beautiful (almost mesmerizing smile) popped into my head. She spoke about how Mrs. King had been like a second mother to her...espcially after her own mother had passed on. I cried because to her and to the Kings...the woman who had gone to be with God was not a mere Civil rights champion, not just a symbol of grace and the first lady of a nation of people, rather to them she was mommy, mother, friend. My heart ached as I recognized the hurt of saying good bye to a precious mother.

President Clinton took the time to remind the congregation that Mrs. King was a real person, with feelings, fears, hurts, hopes and so are her children and fanily and close friends who now have to rebuild without such a wonderful and Virtous Woman (Proverbs 31) as Mrs. Coretta Scott King.

"When you had the privilege of being loved so unconditionally (by our mothers) you dare not ask them to stay a moment longer and deny them of being in the arms of the ONE who loves them most." Attallah Shabazz

We had the privilege of feeling some of that unconditional love from Mrs. King...Now she is at home in the arms of her Savior. Safe from harm!

Havin some fun...

I been away for a few days and ya'll 4 get about a sistah...huh??
I have to admit that I had diarrhea of the mouth (so to speak) in my last blog...lol
SO!!! I had a lot on my mind..and I suppose it's good that I got it out cause the next day I had to an emergency oral surgery!!! Talking bout ouch!!! in my pocket and in my mouth!!! So this weekend I been kinda outta commission.
Face all swollen on one side..n everybody tryna act like they don't see it...lol. But I'm healing...trying not to pop too many pain pills.

So I guess I touched a chord talking bout all that stuff last entry huh? Ya'll wasn't too beat to comment. But so what!!! I just needed to vent na'mean??? lol

I was asked in the comments what's up wit the dude I told ya'll about a few posts back...well stuff is still nice between us. We talk a lot. We both are very busy...prolly him more than me. So we see each other when our schedules permit, but we seem to both be enjoying getting to know each other...His name is Leron and he's still making me smile. ok, Dante??

Well I've started getting some of my things from ebay...everyday feels like Christmas!! yippie!! I won these boots that are wonderful! And a digital camera...I'll keep u posted on that. I won a cell phone and if u call me now...I'll answer. lol. Yo! your gurl b buggin. (hehehe)

Well I'ma go..just had to check in wit ya'll 2 nite...I'm in a really silly mood tonight. I got to spend sometime eating and laughing with some loved ones earlier and that made my whole week...already. :)
So did any of ya'll have a superbowl party and not watch a full half hour of the game???
Well we did and it was the best dag on SB party ever!!! Whata Blast!!! lol

Luv ya'll like sweedish fish and D'angelo!!!

So much to say...

Hey there everyone!!
There is just so much going on in my life and our world that it is something else!!!
To begin I am officially addicted to ebay. I have purchased and sold sparingly in the past, but recently I went on an ebay shopping spree ( > $300)...smh...What was I thinking???
Either way, I won this Hello Kitty purse (those of u who know me, know Hello Kitty is an obsession!) I love this purse so much!! I've never seen anyone with it, so I won't show u a picture of it, cause I wanna keep it that way.( tisk, tisk, tisk Chan!) Oh well! The purse is leather tho and beautiful. yippie*jumping up and down, clapping* Oh you forgot how girly I am huh?

Remember way back...I told ya'll about my obsession with Jessica Simpson's Dessert Treats?? Well I still am!! Btw, Trina, my skin didn't turn green...lol...altho I've only used it sparingly.
he he he...I mean i'm naturally sweet, but Dessert Treats definitely has emphasized that. :)
Shhh! He don't know. lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So on a more serious note, this is Black History Month. I keep feeling like the timing of Mrs. Coretta Scott King's death is significant. I mean, her dying on the night before the first day of Black History Month. I can't figure the exact significance...but either way it was exceptionally sad to hear. I can't help but wonder...as the leaders of the Civil Rights Movement pass on, what will remain for my children? Our children. I mean, I by all means will teach my children but I wonder about other young parents...what lessons will they leave with their children about our history?
I can't help but feel like, as America progresses in technology we are regressing in liberty and humanity. There is a cloud of uncertainty over America. Still a pervading, yet undercover racism exists. We are hated throughout the world, Christianity has become a curse word...here and worldwide. In Italy, I believe, a catholic priest is being tried (yes, trial by jury) for saying that "Jesus Christ Lives." Saying "Merry Christmas" is offensive and people like Kanye West can portray Christ on a pop magazine.
It's disheartening. So much so, that if I had it to do again...I wouldn't bring children into this world.
But like I said before, all I can do is try to make my little part of this world the best that I can...
For this month, I will honor the history of my people one way or another in every blog.
I am so proud that God chose to make me who I am. The fact that we, as a people have survived so much adversity...is inspiring. I pray that we don't fall victim to pop culture that tries to make us complacent and unaware...focused soley on what kinda blinged out grill we can get!

Also on another subject...
I am absolutely against abortion..for several reasons. Some more personal than I am willing to share right now...but in particular this partial birth abortion is absolutely un nerving!
I don't blame women who get abortions for the most part...because they truly are kept in the dark about what is actually happening. This issue is soon to be coming before the Supreme Court and the newest Judge Alito. (http://www.crosswalk.com/news/1241851.html)
Everone oughta see this, we must open our eyes!!!>>> (http://www.abortiontv.com/Pics/AbortionPictures1.htm)
"My people perish for a lack of knowledge." (Hosea 4:6)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, before this month is out I will start sharing my journey to losing 40lbs with you...whew, I know. lol.I have decided to do this for encouragement, motivation and accountability...I will post before pics and you can journey along with me. Keep a sista in ur prayers. :)
I also have decided to train with Team in Training (http://www.teamintraining.org/hm_tnt) to do a half marathon in a year. Training starts in the summer. It is exiciting and an invaluable opportunity for me to raise money for the cure to the disease that stole my mother's life.
Alrite..I'm done now. lol
I had a lot on my mind...:)
Thanx for bearing with me! Love u !