relationships

i just thought it would b cute to post this pic. this is me and my ex-boyfriend (not husband) lmbo. he and i are still very kool. but i just got news that he is not doing so well...and it just makes me sad. but i hope that his life can be turned around. **hey u, in the pic...u won't read this, at least for a few months. but i pray for you often. God loves you baby, and so do i.

i was thinking today...

actually for the last few weeks, relationships and love have been on my mind.

but i'm not referring to just relationships with the opposite sex, but in general.

i have learned so much over the past 7 weeks that my church has been collectively doing a study called 40 Days of Community. It has done wonders for me to clarify a lot of things, and to emphasize the importance of relationships. God made us to have friendships and family relationships...it is not by chance, we need each other, we make each other better, we strengthen each other, we encourage each other, we bring joy and happiness to one another, and we help complete each other.

i was recently shocked at this girl i know...i heard her telling someone that she didn't like her family, so she wasn't gonna spend the holidays with them. rather, she opted to stay home alone. her entire immediate family was together and wanted her to come...but she didn't care. i was amazed at that.

one of the major things that i've learned is that all real relationships are WORK. anything that isn't tested often is not for real. it is so important to make room for people, their idiosynchrocies, bad habits or whatever else. none of us are perfect and a part of building relationships is accepting people and being understanding about those "ways" that they may have that rub us the wrong way. i sure want to be accepted and loved just like i am.

i'm not saying that we have to stay in toxic or abusive relationships, but i am saying that not everyone who does something that is irritating should be cut off. perfect example, i recently made a new friend. Her name is Tasha, she is beautiful, intelligent, and she can SANG her hiny off! but when i met Tasha...she made a comment about the Chex Mix i was eating(lmbo)...she said, "that's not good for you." i said, "you don't even know what it is." she responded, "well whatever it is, it isn't good for you." i just rolled my eyes and kept it moving. but i later told a mutual friend that i could already tell that i wasn't gonna mix well with her.

But now, I love her so much, it's stoopid. *hehehe* it has only been maybe 9 months since we first met. i honestly believe that God brought us into each other's lives right on time. we are helping each other thru some crazy stuff...even now. she pushes me. she believes in me, when i'm like, "i can't do that." she'll say, "you didn't even try." i dig that SO much. that's all i ever wanted in a friendship...i don't have to be anything but me with her. and her with me.

now how hot is that??

and just to think that i was about to dismiss her the day i met her...lmbo

yes, there r things about her that make me wanna scream. she is a bit of a perfectionist, i think she worries too much about what people think and how things appear, she has an aggressive personality, a little diva at times...all the things that irritate me about MYSELF. (lol)

i almost walked out on our friendship already more than once...because it is not easy.

but i won't take the easy route out..because we are gifts to each other.

the other night...i was going through. i felt like i was on the verge of a break down. i had an appointment to meet with her at her crib. so i showed up, but things weren't going according to plan. i was getting ready to leave without saying what was on my heart. she said, "Chan, what's going on with the *****?" I stopped in my tracks because it was the exact issue i was stressed about. i couldn't believe it, so i said, "what made u ask me that?" she said she didn't know. so i started telling her...and broke down crying.

she grabbed my hand and said," let's pray." we walked in another room, away from the kids and she, i, and our friend Marcus began to pray. she and Marcus prayed for me...i couldn't talk, i could hardly breathe between sobs. i've never quite had something so powerful initiated by my friends before. it was amazing.

relationships really are so precious. and are worth the work.

i'm learning so much about genuine LOVE. and starting with loving myself, i'm not settling for that psuedo stuff anymore. i recognize the real deal. i'm doing just fine right now too, "single, saved, satisfied", and better than okay!!

Why I'm Cheesing...

Ignore the date on my pic. the calender is not set on my cam. i'm not tech savvy...but i can click. lol.
ne way, r u wondering why i am cheesin here in this pic?
well, it's because my dad had just blessed the food and said "dinner is served!!" :)
now that's just greedy. lmbo.
honestly, i was just really happy to be with my family and enjoying thanxgiving. it's been a great two days. but do you wanna know why my face is still looking just like tha picture?
it's called BLACK FRIDAY!!!
listen, this mornin i was the early bird....and boy if i didn't get the dag on worm.!!! *whewweee*
my brother and i got to Circuit City at 4:40 am, but the line was stooopid. he was frustrated so we left...our next stop was Wally world. we got there at 5:00. the line was long but it was moving quick. we got in there and i was feeling dazed and confused cause it was a crazy barrage of folx fighting for carts...my brother was nearby and caught eye contact with me and said "BOGARD!" then i got the umph i needed to grab a cart and push thru the crowd. I was like, "thanx for the pep talk brah!"
so we started moving toward electronics and i almost fell down laughing because i couldn't get over the grown behind MEN power walking through the underwear section to get to electronics. it was a good thing we took the same route 'cause we found the TV my brother wanted hidden in the isle after the underwear...far from the electronic section...we saw those TVs and was like "jackpot!" we high fived!!!

then he said...we need another cart. so he peeked around the corner and saw an abandoned cart...he looked around then grabbed that joint. we decided to split up since we couldn't move around the electronic section...it was like 200 people tryna get in.

i dipped off to housewares and got everything i could find on sale. (lmbo) my bro was tryna get to electronics to get a portable dvd player...well...i was in housewares getting my slow cookers and coffee pots, and i discover an abandoned portable dvd...i snatched it up so quick and called my brother's cell phone to tell him he no longer had to fight the barbarians!!! ha!

we met in the isle and high fived again!!! YES!!
we went to the cash register and cleaned up for under $200....whew!!!!
we skipped our happy grown behinds outta there.
then we decided to swing past Sears on a whim. we got there around 5:45....and they gave $10 gift cards to the first 200 customers. SO....we both got one of them. :)

we were able to get my son a nice huffy bike, some jewelry for my baby girl, my brother got a bunch of clothes and toys for the babies...and some other random stuff...
we felt like we were stealing.

we did all that, ate breakfast...and now i gotta get my butt to the office. i'm on floor 9am-12pm.i'm gonna be cheesing all the way there. ahhh...moments like these are priceless. for everything else, there's mastercard.

wow. i'm dumb.

ttyl :)

a snippet from my life

have u ever heard that if you r bad or don't believe in santa you'll get coal for christmas?
well here is my 4yr old's version of that: *riding in the car going home...

jojo: santa is gonna come. santa sees what we're doing. santa and jesus know what we're doing.

(*ok...don't even comment. i teach truth and allow some childhood fantasy)

yaya(oldest son):humph

jojo: i don't care if you don't believe in santa. i believe in santa.

yaya:whatever

jojo:if you don't believe in santa, you're gonna get a COLD for christmas. so now.

*dead* i love my kids.

hmm...they say BLACK PEOPLE DON"T READ

Read this article, supposedly written by a white man about Blacks and tell me how you feel about what is being said.


THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES
We can continue to reap profits from theBlacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the currentmethods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE, GREED,and SELFISHNESS. Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment. A great man oncesaid, "The best way to hide something from Black people is to put it ina book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of theirfight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous booksreadily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com, not tomention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints toreach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along),but few read consistently, if at all.

GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. Blacks, since theabolition of slavery, have had large amounts of money at their disposal.Last year they spent 10 billion dollar s during Christmas, out of their450 billion dollars in total yearly income (2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture wecare to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Beingprimarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed. Theycontinually want more, with little thought for saving or investing. They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness. Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy orFUBU, And they still think that having a Mercedes, and a big house givesthem "Status" or that they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue tosee huge profits like those of Tommy and Nike (Tommy Hilfiger has evenjeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look at how thefools spend more with him than ever before!). They'll continue to showoff to each other while we build solid communities with the profits fromour businesses that we market to them.

SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Duboissaid that there was an innate division in their culture. A "TalentedTenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there aresegments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success.However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't readthat the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-TalentedNinety Percent in achieving a better life. Instead, that segment hascreated another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people oraids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what wehave. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to work togetheron any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get together,their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal Theirso-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their namewithout making any real change in thei r community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels,and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the bestspeakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness?They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but oneor two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the controlof our pens in our offices and our rooms.

Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to read,continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping"their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little otherthan hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worryabout any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!

(Prove them wrong. Please pass this on! After Reading it..)

***so what do u guys think??***

My Hope is In God

"No one whose hope is in YOU
will ever be put to shame"
Psalm 25:3 a

Up tooo early

so it's 4 something Tuesday morning and I'm WIDE awake. I want to go back to sleep because I'm pretty sure I'll pay for my alertness a little later in the day.God is good.
lots and lots on my mind.

time is rushing by, and there are some advantages to that...i'm a little afraid that it'll rush right by me, without me getting the things done that need to be done. ugh. i'm up against a deadline and that is crazy, not to mention that my day ahead is packed. i have a client to take out, and other such running around to do.

i know, that somehow it will work out. i have faith that the things that seem overwhelming will ultimately come together just in the way it should.

i told Treen, i'd help her paint today...and to be honest, even tho I have fifty other things to do at work, that is my priority. So maybe i'll take a change of clothes with me, so I can get dirty and paint at least a wall...or a door way, or something. lol

i was able to see my friend from Trinidad. it turned into a way more pleasant visit than i'd have ever expected or have been able to predict. so that's good. he got to sit in on one of my rehearsals with my group and he seemed to really enjoy that. i really love, how committed he is to the Lord. it is rare...and refreshing. i'm just happy things worked out.

well...lemme do something with myself...go to sleep, pray...something.
until later

Liquid Sunshine...My Life

today is a rainy day here in the northeast. it's kool tho, the kids had off for some reason or another. so we chilled. but my morning started off stressful. it was a test, how was i gonna react to the craziness. i had to have a certain amount of money, my cell wasn't operating, the needed money wasn't in my account, and my friend from Trinidad called and told me he'd be arriving in philly around 1pm. i felt like my head was gonna pop. not to mention, this place needed to be cleaned, i needed to start getting things in order around here...time to start purging and packing.
so i figured, i gotta just roll with it, i prayed "God you see what's going on, I know you're gonna show up."
i needed to take that money somewhere by noon, and my friend...well i wanted to entertain him. so my frustration level was rising. ugh....

so i started straightening everything and throwing stuff away and all, then i get a call from the lady i had planned to meet and she tells me it's ok if i come tommorow. *phew* then my Trini friend calls and says he has to reschedule until next week. *double phew*
so i ended up being able to relax a little, work from home a little, and be in a stress free and much more organized enviornment!

everything turned out ok. God is good, and things always work out, i'm starting to see the pointless-ness (lol) of worry. i'm learning a bunch, my perception of things is way more important than i ever thought! i know about the rain in life...but sometimes when it rains, the sun stays shining and the rain doesn't seem so bad, it's almost beautiful. :) that's my life.

on a silly note, i put on some jeans today...that i normally hate...but for some reason today, they made me look like i had a nice hiny...*hehehe*
i love that, i mean it's no "delicious" (from flavor of luv)...lol...but it's aiight.

seriously tho, i'm hopeful about the things that are going on in general in my life. i have to go pick up my brother from the train station in an hour...i'm glad he's coming.:) unfortunately, we have to sing in a funeral on saturday. a lady from my church, probably under 40 died suddenly. it's really sad and shattering for many of us. what's worse is that she was a single mom of two boys...both under 11. The oldest is one of the kids in the choir i direct. so you know my heart is crushed...i went to see him, he seemed ok, but i told him and his grandmom that i was gonna be here, for whatever and everything and that if he needed rides, or just wanted to get out, i am here.

everytime i think about the coming service, i feel like someone punched me in the stomach. i can imagine how he feels, because i been there, and i was 15...he's not even a teenager yet.

so pray for the Ward family. thanx. and if u live up here, go play in the rain. :)

((hugz)) everyone!
~chan

Foolishness and Excitement

i have lots and lots on my mind.
some great, some strange, some unnerving.

i feel violated because...
i was just on the phone with my exhusband and he asked me if i went to the "picture people" on monday. and i got this eery feeling...like i was being watched. that crap pissed me off.
so i said yeah, how'd u know? he said his girlfriend saw me and the family coming out of there and reported to him. (at least i looked cute...lol)
why am i so irked by it? because she observed me and the kids and my other family members and never said hello...or let us know she was there. covert op???
lmbo. it just irked me. but whatever.
i swore i wasn't gonna go here on this blog, since i know he and more than likely she are visitors to this blog. but ooooooooh well.

i'm ticked off because he has created this whole picture of me and our situation to his girlfriend and his family that I won't let him see his children.
what's crazy is that, i probably want them to have a relationship with their daddy more than he wants it with them. :( probably. this man will go weeks and not call, he works in the TOWN we live in and never stops by...and when i mention that to him, he says that he doesn't want to come over and have "drama" with me...
my mind is blown everytime he repeats this lie to me. in all the years, thru all the bs we've been thru...i've NEVER given that man grief about coming to see or spend time with his kids.
i used to be the pursuer...calling him every other weekend to see if he was gonna take the kids.
i recently stopped that, and therefore he is in the position to initate his visits, but he rarely does. he got them last weekend because for whatever reason he felt like being a dad, and called to get them after a month. perhaps the people around him were asking about the kids. i dunno.
but i honestly know the truth. i know what's behind his sudden inability to even be civil with me.
but i won't say...but i know. the anger that comes out of him toward me can only come from one thing. so i just breathe easy, and say to myself..."it's alright." Trina was just talking to me about it this weekend...she knows what it is too. It's sad when you can't be honest with yourself..you know? When your existence becomes a lie and the lie becomes the truth. *smh* But life keeps moving, no matter what direction you choose, u know?

i am actually okay with it being over between us and him moving on with his life. i'm happy for him, and especially if somewhere in the deal he becomes a better father. i even secretly hope that he marries this girl, or some girl and makes it official. :) good and gooder...lol
but for now, i'm not ready for him to be having family outings with the kids and this woman and her kids. my children, especially my oldest have expressed that they dislike the her...and that is to be expected, so I don't weigh it too heavily. Still, I don't ignore it either...kids are BS detectors. you know?

The thing is, that I've learned that my children are way too precious to expose to different men that come in and out of my life. So with the exception of one man that I was with (which I now wish i could change) they haven't been around anyone. I feel like in the situation with their father, it should be the same thing. Sure, he's an adult...but he's got a track record of being irresponsible and not making the best decisions for himself or our kids. One of which almost killed our daughter...but that's a whole 'nother post. or not.

Everytime, I try to have an adult, calm conversation with him about this or anything pertaining to our parental partnership it goes sour. He tells me that it's "one-sided" that side being mine, of course. Then I think to myself...hmmmm....
yes it might be one-sided...
seeing as how you have the option to be daddy or not. sh** ,you can take a week or two or even a few months off and be just fine. but, when they are struggling in school, or needing some fatherly discipline or instruction...i have to provide that. i am always mommy, always daddy, always working, always providing...even when child support doesn't come.
i remember when he called me to say "i'ma be taking off for 6 weeks, so you won't be getting C/S." i just laughed to myself and took it on the chin. i wish i could "take off" providing.
yeah, the conversation mighta been a bit one-sided since i take the boys to get their hair cut, and i to take them to try outs, wipe their tears, rub sick tummys, take them to the eye doctors, pay for school pictures, new clothes, shoes, underwear, food, snacks, endless field trips and trips to the laundromat, book fairs, school fund raisers, mommy-can- i-haves, trips to the movies,bowling, parites, costumes, need i go on??? i have to help with homework after a long day of working, read and sign an endless bevy of paperwork from school, drive them everywhere and pick them up. i have to push my body, when i'm about to fall over. it's just me. i don't have anyone else besides God. (and He is enough) I'm NOT complaining, but my ex-husband gets them on the weekend he chooses? and scoffs at me when He feels like the conversation is one-sided??? wow.

and to think, all this from a man...who all i ever did was love?
sure we both made mistakes. but i never stopped loving that man,
or being in his cheering section. and i know he knows that, because
no matter where each of us were in life...
who we were with, seperated or together, when life came at him
hard...I was always who He called.

but this, along with all the other things in life that seem unjust
i try to take in stride. you know? keep moving forward,
keep pressing into being the wonderful woman that the
struggles (God has allowed) have made me into.

my grandfather told me something...
he told me how to handle this situation, before He died.
He told me that I need to regain control of my heart
and my circumstances. It was his last wish for me,
and he told me how to do it. I thought it was extreme
but He was right...."Yes grandaddy, I will do more than just hear you"

On the other side of all of this...I just got some of the best news EVER.
Something I have anticipated for a long time, prayed about, hoped about
is happening for me. It is an amazing dream come true!!!
God is still in the blessing business! I know, when I think of this blessing
that the hardships and the heartache have not gone unnoticed by God.
He is blessing me immeasurably! and He is promoting me in crazy ways!!

Remember I said I was on the verge of something big...
It's all starting to unfold, and I have never been more grateful!!

♥((hugs)) everyone!♥

~chan

***oh and i had the chance to speak to j.♥ ♥ i been hoping to see him and i saw him the other day and had the courage to say something to him, it turned into a half hour convo and it just feels good!! :) ***