Foolishness and Excitement

i have lots and lots on my mind.
some great, some strange, some unnerving.

i feel violated because...
i was just on the phone with my exhusband and he asked me if i went to the "picture people" on monday. and i got this eery feeling...like i was being watched. that crap pissed me off.
so i said yeah, how'd u know? he said his girlfriend saw me and the family coming out of there and reported to him. (at least i looked cute...lol)
why am i so irked by it? because she observed me and the kids and my other family members and never said hello...or let us know she was there. covert op???
lmbo. it just irked me. but whatever.
i swore i wasn't gonna go here on this blog, since i know he and more than likely she are visitors to this blog. but ooooooooh well.

i'm ticked off because he has created this whole picture of me and our situation to his girlfriend and his family that I won't let him see his children.
what's crazy is that, i probably want them to have a relationship with their daddy more than he wants it with them. :( probably. this man will go weeks and not call, he works in the TOWN we live in and never stops by...and when i mention that to him, he says that he doesn't want to come over and have "drama" with me...
my mind is blown everytime he repeats this lie to me. in all the years, thru all the bs we've been thru...i've NEVER given that man grief about coming to see or spend time with his kids.
i used to be the pursuer...calling him every other weekend to see if he was gonna take the kids.
i recently stopped that, and therefore he is in the position to initate his visits, but he rarely does. he got them last weekend because for whatever reason he felt like being a dad, and called to get them after a month. perhaps the people around him were asking about the kids. i dunno.
but i honestly know the truth. i know what's behind his sudden inability to even be civil with me.
but i won't say...but i know. the anger that comes out of him toward me can only come from one thing. so i just breathe easy, and say to myself..."it's alright." Trina was just talking to me about it this weekend...she knows what it is too. It's sad when you can't be honest with yourself..you know? When your existence becomes a lie and the lie becomes the truth. *smh* But life keeps moving, no matter what direction you choose, u know?

i am actually okay with it being over between us and him moving on with his life. i'm happy for him, and especially if somewhere in the deal he becomes a better father. i even secretly hope that he marries this girl, or some girl and makes it official. :) good and gooder...lol
but for now, i'm not ready for him to be having family outings with the kids and this woman and her kids. my children, especially my oldest have expressed that they dislike the her...and that is to be expected, so I don't weigh it too heavily. Still, I don't ignore it either...kids are BS detectors. you know?

The thing is, that I've learned that my children are way too precious to expose to different men that come in and out of my life. So with the exception of one man that I was with (which I now wish i could change) they haven't been around anyone. I feel like in the situation with their father, it should be the same thing. Sure, he's an adult...but he's got a track record of being irresponsible and not making the best decisions for himself or our kids. One of which almost killed our daughter...but that's a whole 'nother post. or not.

Everytime, I try to have an adult, calm conversation with him about this or anything pertaining to our parental partnership it goes sour. He tells me that it's "one-sided" that side being mine, of course. Then I think to myself...hmmmm....
yes it might be one-sided...
seeing as how you have the option to be daddy or not. sh** ,you can take a week or two or even a few months off and be just fine. but, when they are struggling in school, or needing some fatherly discipline or instruction...i have to provide that. i am always mommy, always daddy, always working, always providing...even when child support doesn't come.
i remember when he called me to say "i'ma be taking off for 6 weeks, so you won't be getting C/S." i just laughed to myself and took it on the chin. i wish i could "take off" providing.
yeah, the conversation mighta been a bit one-sided since i take the boys to get their hair cut, and i to take them to try outs, wipe their tears, rub sick tummys, take them to the eye doctors, pay for school pictures, new clothes, shoes, underwear, food, snacks, endless field trips and trips to the laundromat, book fairs, school fund raisers, mommy-can- i-haves, trips to the movies,bowling, parites, costumes, need i go on??? i have to help with homework after a long day of working, read and sign an endless bevy of paperwork from school, drive them everywhere and pick them up. i have to push my body, when i'm about to fall over. it's just me. i don't have anyone else besides God. (and He is enough) I'm NOT complaining, but my ex-husband gets them on the weekend he chooses? and scoffs at me when He feels like the conversation is one-sided??? wow.

and to think, all this from a man...who all i ever did was love?
sure we both made mistakes. but i never stopped loving that man,
or being in his cheering section. and i know he knows that, because
no matter where each of us were in life...
who we were with, seperated or together, when life came at him
hard...I was always who He called.

but this, along with all the other things in life that seem unjust
i try to take in stride. you know? keep moving forward,
keep pressing into being the wonderful woman that the
struggles (God has allowed) have made me into.

my grandfather told me something...
he told me how to handle this situation, before He died.
He told me that I need to regain control of my heart
and my circumstances. It was his last wish for me,
and he told me how to do it. I thought it was extreme
but He was right...."Yes grandaddy, I will do more than just hear you"

On the other side of all of this...I just got some of the best news EVER.
Something I have anticipated for a long time, prayed about, hoped about
is happening for me. It is an amazing dream come true!!!
God is still in the blessing business! I know, when I think of this blessing
that the hardships and the heartache have not gone unnoticed by God.
He is blessing me immeasurably! and He is promoting me in crazy ways!!

Remember I said I was on the verge of something big...
It's all starting to unfold, and I have never been more grateful!!

♥((hugs)) everyone!♥

~chan

***oh and i had the chance to speak to j.♥ ♥ i been hoping to see him and i saw him the other day and had the courage to say something to him, it turned into a half hour convo and it just feels good!! :) ***