When it rains...

The sun is coming out now...after two days of dreariness and rain.
They say the rain is good...the earth needs it....it's cleansing.
Good sleeping weather and weather to cuddle with your beloved.
I prefer the sun tho. It just lifts my spirits and makes me wanna go out, clean,
shop, workout, something lively and exciting. I understand that I have to accept the rain tho.

My morning was filled with tension. Last night I engulfed myself in each moment I was awake...I was with someone I love so much. I just took in the seconds of pleasure....the way it felt to be near him, to hear him breathe,his scent, the way all concious thought just faded into mindless bliss. As our time drew to an end...I started feeling that tugging in my gut, that I hate to recognize.That feeling that says, "this isn't it."

I remember when I was in school...grade school and highschool, I used to write my name with the object of my affection's last name behind it. Practiced my signature...even our future children's name...
It seems so silly now.
Except on many occassions, I imagine him standing at the alter...waiting for me.
I picture how I'll paint the walls in the bedroom for his sons. (so they feel at home)
He told me I had the kinda fingers he wanted to put a ring on...
The red flags have been waving since the onset but the benefit of the doubt has had veto power.So...here I am.
Absolutely enamored with him, yet painfully aware that neither of us is fully
commited to the other. Altho in my heart...I want to be.

Well anyway...church was good today. It was a needed change of venue since I woke up this morning with a tension headache. So I'm feeling better...I need some quiet time with God. I need to refocus on a whole lot and I think I might need to scream into my pillow tonite...and I'll be just fine. :)

back to blogging

ok...what tha hizzi...i'll post sumthing or other.

I was just reading a few blogs, and well...
I don't know what's going on in this world. whew!
For one thing, I'm an awfully "dry" blogger compared to some of this other salacious stuff...
I came across some chiks blog..and she had some naked pix on it. B4 I could hit the X or the back arrow my male cousin and ex almost knocked me over tryna get to the computer.
They was like.."scroll down!...who she?....you know her?" and so on.... *SMH* lawd have mercy...

'haven't said much about my "dating" life...and let's just say the saga continues.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love two men ya'll.
For two different reasons, in two different ways.
SHUT UP. I don't wanna hear all the this and the that....
They both know how I feel.
Chances are tho, I'm gonna end up with out either of them.
I'm prepared for that, altho one has outright said he ain't going no where...
and well the other one is acting like it.
How I'ma call him and tell him it's over...and he call me the next morning like,
"Hey baby?"
What's a girl to do?....Prolly not post this blog, or at least hope they don't read it. Ah, well

As for more important things...I went to see my nephews in Maryland...and I swear to you that I held them little boys for about 5 hours...
And even when I gave them back I felt like, "NOOOOO!!! I can still hold them"
Ugh! I called my daddy and whispered to him,
"I'ma smuggle them out when C and H aren't lokin." lol
He laughed at me. I am so in love...I musta kissed away all their kisses...They were like, "AUNTIE!!! ENUF ALREADY!!!"
All I could think about was, when I'ma see them again?? I haven't felt like this...
well, since I had my own. I'm so happy they are home and healthy. God really is good.

My kids are good too. It's their spring break tho and I'm bout to lose my mind!!!
SCHOOOL.....PLEEEASSSEE.....COME BACK TO ME!!!
Listen, whoever created school was a dag on genius!!
I'm telling u, my kids are gonna be in some sorta summer school/camp too...sumthing!
I'm not playing. I used to suffer thru being a single mom of 4 non-school aged kids...
But no more...and NEVER again!!!
*praise break* Hallelujah!

On a pitiful note,
I been feeling extra fat this past week. Just like ugh, blah!
This is definitely one of those weeks u wanna just run away and fall off the
weight loss train..lol. I'm tryna hang in there...I gotta get these kids back to school...
they messin me all up!!!(excuses)

So that's what's going on with me...just a blog about nothing.

hmmm... that's it!
EUREKA! (lol...EUR-FRICKIN-REEKA)
This is a seinfeld-esqe blog.

Whadda u know? I done found my niche! (he,he,he)

Oh yeah, I was tagged

My girl ova here tagged me and I just been busy and haven't gotten around to responding. Forgive me girl, u know I "luv" u...lol
So...

Ten Characteristics of MY "perfect" MAN

• Believer and Follower of Jesus Christ
• Independent (Steadfast)
• Sober
• Honest (Faithful)
• Attentive
• Financially secure
• Drives legally (you wouldn't believe how many times this is an issue..lol)
• Owns something (a car, a home...something)
• Intelligent (Articulate)
• Loves Children and/or has some of his own

**************************************************************************************************

Hello my name is..."Chan"

I was raised in...New Jer"usalem"

The reason you are reading about me is...who knows?

Right Now I'm working on...fitting my favorite jeans again

A project that is due tomorrow...easter baskets (that's fun tho)

The first thing I do in the morning is...either leave work or roll over

The last thing I do at Night is...either work or call my "boo"

My Momma always said..."This too will pass."

I love it when people...are genuine

I hate it when people...are jerks, liars or phony

If you ever see me walking down the street ask me about...my kids

This one time at band camp I...almost passed out after doing our routine over and over with little water in 85 degree heat.(my mom wouldn't let me quit)

You see this scar? I got this when I...fell out tha window (loong story)

My notable run-in with the law...getting arrested 2x (for traffic warrants...lol)

The last time I swore I'd never drink was after...riding away with strangers.

(don't ask....and SHUT UP Kataylor & Officer Carter)

Future Projects and Plans...ministry, real estate, event planning, marriage

And before I leave I'd like to give a shout out to...Everyone who reads my blog.

I'm tagging...Anyone who wants to do it!

Holiday Drama

Getting all ready for Easter and Spring Break and loving it.

I had some drama the other night. Since the two men that it involves may read this I'm not gonna say too much. But I tell you, I really felt like an innocent bystander...although both of them were responding to feelings about me.
I guess there were some mixed signals sent on my part...I don't know.
I tried to be more clear with both of them this time, hopefully they hear me.
People only hear what they wanna hear anyway (including me)
I learned that the hard way. Ugh, why can't stuff ever be simple?

Other than that things are good. My nephew Christopher will be leaving the hospital this weekend and you KNOW I'm on my way to Maryland. :) *clapping*
The kids are having an Easter Egg hunt tommorow at school and they are all happy. I remember those days, parties at school were the best...

If I don't come back thru til after the holiday, HAVE A BLESSED EASTER!!

Hi ya'll

i know i've been away for a while, but i decided to check back in with you.
it's hard to put in to words all that's going on in my life right now. although it is mostly an internal thing...lots of spiritual and emotional and physical transition going on.
as for blogging, i think i was beginning to get too carried away with approval.
i maybe didn't show it much, but there was always a struggle between writing about the stuff bloggers wanna read about, or just have an honest expression of who i am.
i know what it should be..but if bloggers are honest, we all consider our readers when typing away.

Anyway, I hosted a baby shower on saturday. It was at a local golf course. I was running around like a chicken with no head. LOL. For 48 hrs b4 the shower I was doing favors, I did about 50 of them. Filled them with candy, wrapped the tulle, tied ribbons and a tag on each one. Then I cooked italian meatballs...(which a guy later told me were "wacking"...it's a good thing) and I made a beef, tomato and cheese taco dip, I made 48 cupcakes (for a game) 4 of them had plastic babies in them. Those four people won a prize. I filled up a big baby bottle with gumballs..for a guess how many gumballs contest....hmm...among other things. I got to the place early to decorate and so on...lol, i had on high heels moving tables and chairs and putting up banners and the like...then after all that I ran the shower, the ice breaker, the games and so on. I was tired after that. My calves and my thighs have not yet recovered...ugh! I was rubbing them down with that pain reliever stuff last night.
But it was all so worth it, when my girl hugged me and thanked me...And several of the attendees (that I didn't know) told me that I did a wonderful job. :)

on another note,i'm starving. i couldn't figure out what i was feeling when i woke up...but after a series of elimination, i figured it's hunger that i'm experiencing. normally, i'd be at the gym by now, but this hunger was so crippling i had to wait. i'm not a big breakfast eater, but i think yogurt might trick my body into thinking i actually ate. maybe a carnation instant (yuck) breakfast. i have some downstairs and it'll definitely make this feeling go away...hmmm...
ne way, today at my gym is the weigh in for a 6 week weight loss challenge. so I entered the joint. there are 3 pots of money up for grabs, and I totally intend on grabbing one (lol)
the weigh back is May 22...so I'll let u know what's up.

i'm actually very excited about EASTER or as i like to call it, Resurrection Day...
which by the way, why is it that only christian holy days have been turned into, like, national days of fun?? santa claus and toys, easter bunny and candy....*smh*
any who...moving on.
i'm excited. i love the season. the reminder that Jesus was so devoted to me that he purposely died at calvary. (oh boy there goes the readers...lol) but honestly, i am grateful, and i am challenged about my devotion to HIM.

i haven't sung in the choir for a while, until recently. i recommited and have been singing ever since. i think naturally, i'm a leader and a soloist. BUT, i'm not pushy (altho i can be) i'm really careful about that, especially because i'm the pastor's daughter. so i just fall back...do my part and chill. well, a few sundays ago i was in the congregation. singing during communion. (everybody sings) and a lady from the choir was in front of me. after service she grabbed me and said after hearing me, she had a song she wanted me to sing on Easter. i thought that was nice of her to ask me. when you sing...you always want to. i mean, i love every opportunity i'm given. but i learned that i don't have to force any one to notice me...that promotion and noteriety really comes from God. i guess it's a small example, but never the less.

i have a praise report!!!! my nephew Jeremiah is home!!!! yippie!! Christopher isn't home yet, but he is out of the isolette and gaining weight. He's on his way out too...just thought i'd share. I heard Jeremiah drinking his bottle over the phone and i just cried. lol. small victories.i know it sounds corny, but i count my blessings. :)

well i guess that's about all....
love ya'll and i'll catch up wit u again real soon!

Hey
I figured I'd write a real post. After re reading my last two posts I had to laugh to myself.
I realize that they reflect opposites in the realm of emotions...and back to back. You folx are probably thinking...What's going on with her?? lol
But while all the things I write are inspired by my life...it's not always that deep. My dad always reminds me that feelings are like traffic lights, if you stay still long enough they'll change. :)
So that is what you see reflected in my poems.
The thing about emotions is just that. They are valid, they make me human...but they can't be in total control...you know?

Anyway, I haven't mentioned much about my weight loss kick, but that's mainly because I'm busy trying to do it. :) Don't want you to think I've given up...I'm working on it. Trying to hit the gym at least 4x a week. Portion control is everything...cause no carbs is not for me. I did cut all sodas and juices. I do eat fruit tho, and plenty of water.... So, let's just see.
In terms of weight loss I haven't been weighed again yet but I think I get weighed soon
(I gotta check) But I'm not as interested in the number yet, as I am with how I'm feeling.
But as I said, I'll keep you posted.

My nephews are doing well! One is no longer in the ICU, but they are both still hospitalized. They are on feeding tubes, but are taking the bottle too. They are maintaining their temp (which is real important) and we are believing God that they'll be coming home soon. I'm praying they are home by spring break, so I can go spoil them for a week. Yippie!!

I used to wonder why people just up and stopped blogging. Yesterday I felt why. I can't explain it, but I felt it. That feeling of ..."ah, nevermind."
I'm not gonna stop blogging yet...but I have felt somewhat of a disconnect from the blogging world. If it wasn't for the therapy of logging my thoughts, experiences, and other such stuff...
I'd probably be done with it.

Well, just checking in. Talking a whole bunch about nuffin. lol

Ciao...for now