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I used to need to have a "black book," so to speak. I needed to know that there was always someone I could call...when I was lonely, when I was hungry, when I wanted to go out, when I wanted to be held...and all that.
There was something in me lacking so much that I was willing to try different dudes to fill my void. When one would piss me off or let me down, I'd call the next. I knew that there was an ideal...that I had things that I wanted in a mate, but I was so broken that I would settle for the immediate satisfaction of any ol' body.
I'm ashamed to admit it. I knew better, but putting my knowing in action was elusive at best. I suppose it took, a bunch of let downs and disappointments to get me to the point of being truly tired!
I always knew that God alone could fill my void, but how? I just didn't get it. But it happened both over a period of time and instantly. I started to become painfully aware of the issues I had with my casual male "friendships."I was not any one of their priority. Neither were they mine, but I got tired of being available to them. God began to heighten my senses and show me that I'm too valuable to spread myself thin across more than one man. Men who, weren't committed to me.
Then it clicked, it just clicked. I was no longer going to entertain these empty, and aimless "relationships." ("No! I don't want your number, No! I don't wanna give you mine, and No! I don't wanna meet you nowhere, I don't want none of your time")There was no true benefit, other than just knowing there was someone waiting in the wings. I realized that reliance on this was telling of my true strength of character.
Right now I have a few people who are "mad" at me because I clipped my availability. I've tried to explain, but I'm not heard. It's ok though, because my mind is made up.
Finally I have come to grips with a few, what a fellow blogger called,RDBs. That's relationship deal breakers. Basic things that I knew mattered but I was too flimsy to enforce.Things like keep a job, have driver license...sheesh! Let alone the big stuff like love the Lord first. Now I am firm on what I want and I understand that if I don't stand on it...I'll never be blessed with what I desire.
I occasionally talk to a guy friend or two but it's different. No dinner dates, no movies...I'm cool. Rather be chillin at home, kickin it with my girls or whatever. I'm not beat to be in e'ry club anymore tryin to break my neck to appeal to some nigros I KNOW ain't what I want anyway.
Finally a back bone, finally the gall to stand on my standards.
I'm waiting for my "Adam." When he comes, I'm not gonna be tied up with a bunch of right now "scrubs"....I'll be ready.
PS. There is a man, who came into my life for a short time. We keep in very limited contact, but I want him to know that he helped me realize what God has for me. I'll call him RoyalPoet. RP, I know that you are and were far from perfect, but you made me know that I could have all that I imagine and more in a man. Today your zeal for the Lord is contagious, I pray everyday that you gain wisdom and understanding. More that you are blessed with happiness and in ministry.Thanx for the invite and for caring. I love you.
So maybe you can tell from the title I saw the movie Roll Bounce.
While I was in the movie theatre I couldn't wait to get home to blog all about it!
First let me talk about my ghetto behind theatre experience:
I'm from New Jersey but I'm currently living in Maryland just 10 minutes outside of DC. The town that I live in is probably 98.99% Black Folk...maybe even 99.99%. I love my people but I DID NOT LOVE watching a movie with them. So maybe I'm one of those 'ciddity nigros. I grew up in Blackwood NJ. Blackwood is probably 30% black. I was kool with that. There was always a few chocolate faces in the mix wherever I went. I used to long for more...*record needle screeches across the album...music abruptly stops*... until tonight.
We file into the cinema and take our seats about 20 minutes before the movie begins. It was a good number of people in there, I didn't expect that many more would come since it was a 4:30pm showing. Chattering started right away. So I'm thinking, this is cool...it'll stop when the previews start. HA! Before the previews start they play a mini film talking about "SILENCE IS GOLDEN." It might as well have been in Chinese because when the previews started "niggers" were talking and yelling back and forth like we was at the park. I'm kneeing my brother like, Can you believe this??
A half an hour into the movie my folx are STILL making there way in and 'scusing themselves down the row in front, behind, and next to me. UGH! I'm like stop it! Then there was a couple behind us with their children. The couple narrated the meaning of everything to their kids in my ear.Like" da reason dey said that is 'cause when I was little my dad useda say ..." Not to mention that the dad sang E'ry seventies song ...WORD-FOR-WORD!
I was like so much for golden silence, I guess I'd have to settle for silver mumblin, or bronzed mouf running. Oh well. If you can't beat um...
So I turn to my brother when the Roll bounce song comes on and sing in his ear..."ROLLL.....BOUNCE!" He looks at me and says "I guess ignorance is contagious." I just laughed.
Now about the movie, it was pretty good. Believe it or not BowWow was really a believable actor. The story line was terribly predictable but the characters were so lovable that you wanted to hang in there through it. Not to mention that them fools Mike Epps and Charlie Murphy made the movie for me!I wanted to fall on the floor laughin.(hehehe) I fought being irked by the skate doubles...Nobody is dumb enough to believe the characters were doing all that intricate skating. Especially when the movie would cut to the legs moving, and then back up to the top half dancing. Still the endearing moments were enough to keep you from being pissed for spending $8 to see it.
I knew before going that Bow's character X had lost his mother. BUT I didn't expect that to matter too much to me. And it almost didn't. There was a moment in it that was like straight outta my life... X and his dad (who had a slight resemblance to my daddy) Have a heated encounter ending in both of them breaking down about not having their mother/wife anymore. I been there. So I cried. My brother and I thought "Daddy can't see this movie."
I know by now you think I cry easily, but that's just 'cause I don' let you in too much. But I weeped, quietly of course! My baby wiped my tears. He said to his siblings, "his mom died, like mommy's mommy died." OGH!
But in the end there was joy! I love a happy ending...even though the film didn't go for a totally predictable ending...it was close. I liked it though.
A pretty good movie overall, enjoyable for the fam. But listen just don't go with a bunch of rowdy black folx...unless you don't wanna hear nuffin but them.
Don't be mad at me, it's true. But I LUB U! All of U!
It was too many of ya'll up in there for me to yell "shut up!"...I wasn't tryna be rolled or bounced up outta there...lol!
Dear Mommy,It's been a while since we last spoke. Nine years to be exact. Things have changed here, I have grown up. Still what hasn't changed is my love for you. That urging that all children have inside wanting mommy. Mommy I'm 25 and I still have times that I cry out for you. When I was little I thought for sure I would've outgrown such antics. Perhaps it's because I was still a little girl when you left. Maybe deep inside I'm still a fifteen year old girl who wants her mommy.Maybe.I think what hurts most now is not just that you missed my babies being born, it's that I can't go shopping with you. We used to have so much fun. I can't laugh with you anymore, can't share my secrets, hurts, fears. I can't show you what kind of woman I've become. We can't take trips to Shoes For Her, and you can't train me in Real Estate. I can't make fun of how tiny you are and I don't get to hear you tell me I'm a "brick-shit-house" lol. If I could have you back, just for a day...I'd fill you in on everything, I'd cry and laugh with you, we'd go to eat at a cafe like we did 10 years ago, I'd take YOU shopping, I'd ask your advice, I'd lay in your arms and savor every moment. I'd never let you go.I know that can never be, but I am so grateful for the years. Grateful for the example you were, grateful for the love, the laughs, the memories. Happy God chose you to be mine! I'd have it no other way, even if I knew you'd have to leave too soon. There just aren't enough words Mommy.So I'll close with a quote..."These words are my own, From my heart flow.
I love you, I love you, I love you!" Natasha Bedingfield
Forever, Chan*In loving memory of my mommy Pamela Betner taken at age 39 on August 19, 1996 by Hodgkins Disease Cancer
The best thing in my life is knowing Jesus Christ. Throughout my blog I've talked about the Lord, but sometimes I get a weird feeling like maybe I shouldn't mention Him since I have different kinds of readers. The bottom line is that if I have no one, in fact when I have no one Christ is there.
I didn't have anything to blog about, at least nothing that wasn't too private to share. I came across the song "Do You Know" by Michelle Williams, and altho I'm not a huge fan, the song spoke to me. I had to fight the tears. I knew I had to come write about what I was feeling. KNOWING I'm risking not being interesting...but it's my blog, my feelings.
Right now I'm dealing with a recurrent heartache. I can't say too much about it but it is an issue that will be as long as I live. This is why I'm at the place where God is changing me. My prayer..."Lord take the hurt and anger away completely! Make it so that I can face this situation with out any emotion. Give me the serenity to accept the things I can't change and the strength to move on and put my assurance in You." Sometimes I want to cry, I get pissed, I want to scream. Sometimes it seems like the people who have done me harm just move on in life and are happy, unscathed and even blessed. I need God's help to refocus my attentions on the blessings He has given me, and just know that no matter what, He cares and has my back.
I also found out this weekend that someone who I have been a friend to has been slandering me. And while anyone who knows me knows how empty his words are, it just hurts.
I thank God for His love, His faithfulness, His friendship.
I told ya'll before in my "A Love Just for Me" entry how much I longed for that physical manifestation of love. I miss having a companion, someone to go out with, talk to, watch tv with....all of that. But I am so grateful that even if it never manifests again, the love I experience with Christ can't be matched. I've experienced the Spirit of God so intimately. When the presence of the Lord is imminent the tears flow, and there is no other explanation. I've tried understanding, tried labeling them, but it is just a sign of the Holy Spirit within me.
People want to deny the Lord. They wanna do things their way and only talk to Him when things get rough. But a world, a people without Christ is hopeless. He loves us so much, He is so patient with us. Thank you Lord.
We just mess it all up on our own. I'm not all about "religion" not all about the things that church folx expect...to me it's just about the Love of the Lord. Nothing is more refreshing, sweet, intimate, or transforming.
You may never read my blog again, but know that today you coming was not by chance. God loves you. He loves you better and more than anyone ever has. He doesn't want anything from you more than your love. The Bible says that if you Love Him following His commandments will come natural. But don't be mistaken God doesn't expect perfection. He knows we are imperfect and our frame is but dust. Still in spite of our frailty He consistently loves us, protects, and provides for us. If you haven't already give Him a try. If you wanna talk, if you are confused, hurt, or just want to hear more about Christ in my life please email or im me...I'll respond quickly. chandra_b_1999@yahoo.com
It's okay to be who you are, to have fun, to date, to laugh, to dress nice...being a child of God doesn't mean you have to be wack.lol
Trust me, you won't find those qualities in me. (smile)
The Bible says where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Liberty! If you want to be free get with me, better yet get with the Lord! :)
P.S. Ok no more "preachy" blog entries...at least for a little anyway... ok??
So much love to ya'll!
So tha fam and I went for a ride the other day. We were in my brother's brand spankin new 2006 something or other vehicle. It was blazin' outside.
Still we opted to let the wind blowing through the windows be our air condition....I mean gas prices are CRAZY! We pulled into a station to get $20 of gas, a mere quarter of a tank...but I digressed. As the kids and I waited for my brother in the car I start feeling parched and glance at my now shiny forehead chil'ren and realize they are almost panting. Feeling guilty I run into the store to get us some bottles of water. My brother was at the counter about to pay. So I handed him the water and made it clear to him it was for me and the kids. He said he didn't want one. He did, however purchase some salt and vinegar potato chips.
So we're back in the car rolling to our destination...the kids and I getting refreshed by the cold bottles of Aquafina. I look over at my brother tearing up them salt-vinegary chips and think, I know that nigro is thirsty. I handed him my water and he happily gulped it down.
Then I said to him..."Vinegar don't quench your thirst." Once again he gave me one of those looks that said...And you graduated from what college???
I insisted, "Listen, when Jesus was on the cross he said to the soldiers 'I thirst' and they put a sponge to his mouth with hyssop and VINEGAR on it. Vinegar don't quench your thirst."
He once again gave me that look and said, "It was torture Chandra." I knew that.
But I was thinking...ok Jesus withstood the beating, the mocking, even the nasty spit in His face....but if I were Jesus and they gave me a vinegar ridden sponge to suck on, it woulda been to hell with all of ya'll. Matter of fact, I woulda had the angels take me off the cross and I'da then shoved a large portion of vinegary sponge down each soldier's throat and said "now thine hath gone too far...drink on this until ye thirst (or breathe) no more."
Ok I know that's evil, but it's real. Thank God that He's not like us!!!
Later ya'll.
At least that's what he says. I'm just realizing that thinking somebody loves you, even if you don't "love them back" is enough to mess you up. I don't have the desire to be back with him. However somehow recently I've been hearing him tell me he loves me and asking me "hypothetically speaking" what would have to happen for us to get back together. Most times I don't answer those kind of questions, because he and I both know that even "hypothetically" we can't change the things that have occurred, nor the long term repercussions.
Still, with all this knowledge...I recently was so aggravated when he nonchalantly told me about some chick he's talking to. Why? This from a woman who KNOWS that he has been with a bunch of chix since our separation. In general, it doesn't bother me when I think of it. I don't feel jealous.
I used to think that I never wanted him to be happy tho. He hurt me. Recently however, I realized that I had to let go of that too. I believe my aggravation wasn't really about the girl per se'. It was about his constant banter about loving me, about never loving anyone like me, about wanting to be with me again that rang in my head when he dismissively brought her up. I'm over it now, but it's a valuable lesson.
Folx, if it's over...let it be over. Don't go revisiting the past. Move on.
My steps have already been ordered. Sometimes I forget....I just needed some reminding.
What really matters
I was in the middle of doing something this morning and my 3 year old son came up to me trying to kiss on me. I kinda ignored it, because even tho I usually am slobberin' all over him, when he returns the favor I can pretty much bet that he wants something. So he walks away and I start hearing clinging and clanging in the kitchen. So I commence to hollerin' asking what is going on in there. My oldest and my baby come out of the kitchen lookin at me with the i'm- caught-but-ain't-i-cute look. I just tell them to get out the kitchen. My baby slowly walks over to me and whispers in my ear..."I jus wanna make bre-fas for you." I just looked over at him and said "YOU'RE A BABY!" he walked away, dragging his little feet.
I thought about that and smiled to myself.
Sometimes we get so caught up in being mommy, (or daddy) and/or focusing on life, stress, and carrying on that we lose focus on what is important. Surely my baby couldn't have made me breakfast, but that was an opportunity that I coulda stood him on a chair in the kitchen and let him "think" he was doing something. This is a microcosm of life.
I hate to always be the serious, emotion driven blogger I am, but aw, well! I got an email today and in it a woman who has been a surrogate mom/auntie to me was telling me she was recently devastated by the loss of her sister. In the same email, she was apologizing to me about how things in my life weren't going exactly as (I) planned. The guilt hit me! I had been complainin about some stuff that, in the big scheme of things, doesn't matter. She and my new buddy Bobby Brown, have been reminders to me. Life is short and the phrase, tomorrow is not promised is not a cliche' by any stretch of the imagination...ask 'Trina's victims.
I'm happy the sun is shining today. Both literally and proverbially. I'm gonna run now, me and my baby got some "bre-fas" to cook. . .
I wasn't gon' post today
I wanted to blog, but it just wasn't nothing pressin me to be written, so I decided 4get it. Then I read something...a blog that I have been frequenting the last few days. As I read through I saw he mentioned me.
To say it made my nite is a little bit of an understatement, and that's only because I know that he is going through a whole lot right now. I was just checkin in to his blog to see how things were going..and low and behold he made mention of little ol' me. So I was inspired to write. By the way the blog I read was Being Bobby Brown Jr. (Not Whitney's Husband) Please go read his page, he's listed under my daily reads. Lemme tell you, what he has to say, and what he is going thru is so worthwhile to all of us. When I read it at first I remember gasping, and thinking...for each day, for each loved one, for each blessing I am so grateful. Bobby...thank you for being an inspiration and letting God use you, through blogging....that's wssup!! And I'm happy about being one of the "new ladies" in your life. Welcome into my world!
Dang that hurt!
On a silly, kinda stupid note...
I went looking at cribs today. So I was in this house with my brother and the owner of the joint, we're walking around and the man is telling us about the place...so we goes to walk up stairs and I didn't properly judge the angle that I needed to take to clear the edge of the stairway. ..let me preface this by saying I had on suicides (that's flip flops ...cause if u step in water with them on its suicide) lol. Anyway, as I was saying I misjudged and slammed my pinky toe into the edge. AHHH!!! I wanted to scream. Instead I just said "Oww, dang! I hit my toe" but everybody kept walking...so I'm trying to remain composed 'cause this man don't know me...but I looks down at my still throbbing toe and I see blood pouring out onto the edge of my flip-flop...I'm like "CHRRRRRIS!" (das my brother) I'm motioning for him to look down at my bloody extremity. He looks, acknowledges it with a smirk and goes to look at the backyard. I'm thinking...this can't be life. I mean I kinda wanted to laugh but the pain was like...naw Chan, it ain't funny. So finally I breaks composure (oh by the way yea sometimes I add a random "s" to the end of words for emphasis..lol) and I say to the owner I hit my toe comin up the stairs and I'm bleeding...my brother looked at me like, I can't believe you...you un-couthed nigro! Oh well...the man offered me a bandage, I told him just give me a paper towel...so I can stop the bleeding. So I know this situation is a little laughable...I kinda can laugh at it now, but only kinda 'cause my toe still hurt and if i laugh too hard...it starts throb-u-latin...hehehe. (embarassin myself 4 ya'll)
I'ma sign off for now...but I'll b back. trust. have a blessed weekend...and go to church if gas permits...naw even if it don't turn church on tha tv or walk!!! Don't be too 'ci-ditty to walk!!
smooches ya'll
I always have eleventeen-hundred things running thru my head, it's just that when I blog I try to make sense out of the most prominent thoughts. Not today! Why? because I can, cause I don't care, and cause it's Friday.
Favorite Jean/Favorite Song
I want so badly to disagree with this Gap commercial. I just don't want to accept that a favorite song is like a favorite jean. But I have to! Ugh! I just hate that they were so dag on clever with this advertisement series.
So since I can't beat them...
My favorite jeans: I actually have two pair. One I can't zip up no more since my last son was born..pitiful! But I vow to wear them jeans again...even if it's just for a few minutes. The other pair are from Old Navy, a much darker blue denim with hay colored piping. They are cut long and I'm short...but I love this, cause I can wear them long, or cuff them...whatever. I'm addicted to them. I can wear them to the club, or the grocery store. (that is if a good girl like me were to ever go to a club..lol...shut up Trina!)
My favorite song: Okay, this isn't exactly fair. So I'll have to answer it like this
The song I'm loving right now: Taxi by Tweet...when I hear it I feel like I'm floating to HIS home. I gotta turn it off sometimes...it gets me to thinking too much.
Favorite soul song: Change gon' come by Sam Cooke (self-explanatory), and Send it On by D'angelo
I will eternally love D and this song makes me close my eyes and sway while crooning with him!!! I skip back to the beginning at least tree times before I can let it ride.
Favorite Gospel Songs: Ordinary by Commissioned, and The Question is, originally by The Winans and remade by Woody from Dru Hill. I was telling my brother when those songs come on I just wanna slide across the floor on my knees like Rudy in the cosby show when she was lip-syncing..."JESUUUUSSSS!, JESUUUUSSS!" lol
Really though, the message, the music, and the vocals are addictive in both songs.
How much is this?... One Dollar!
Like you, I smh at the idiocy of that guy in the dollar tree commercials who keeps asking, "How much is this?"
But I went to the dollar store yesterday and ashamedly I caught myself mid, "How muc..." Now, before you laugh I am so sure that everything in that store ain't worth a dollar! I'm telling you, I bought a roll of paper towel, It was a nice size roll, but it was one roll and I KNOW I've paid 79 cents for a comparable roll at Walmart(a place that I love...another rant) So why am I paying a dollar for it here?? And don't sleep, I'm counting dimes, quarters, dollars...and even pennies. Have you seen gas prices?
Anyway, I also bought a mop. Now I really needed it, and while it was missing a few twisty,stringy hair things...it would work. But that mop had to be worth at least $1.50. Maybe $2. I feel like I shoulda hid it and walked outta the store, cause I was almost stealing it at $1.00. Anyway, the reason people wanna ask how much stuff cost in the dollar store is cause everything don't be worth just a dollar...and some be worth like 50 cents...lol. Plus I bought a bible and chicken soup for the soul for someone...paid $2 dolla!!! Can u believe that? (hehehe)
I Love Beyonce
I couldn't stand her before. During the whole start of DC. I hated that she thought she was the star. Little did I know that she actually was. This chick is awesome to me. I don't care if u hate, or get mad, or whatever!! And by the way her birthday just passed!!! Happy Birthday girl!! Virgos Represent. Anyway, she can sing her behind off. I fell in love with her solo album and since then...that's my dawg. So to all my girl friends that wanna kick me off the island, out the car, or outta the bar b q cause I bring up Beyonce...pish posh on you!!! And all dem' Keisha Coles, Tierra Maries and even Ciara's just tryna be B.Carter....but they can't be...lol, don't b mad.
Everybody talkin' bout Heaven ain't going !
I'm nobody's judge, but the Bible says you can tell believer's by their fruit (of the spirit)
As a pastor's daughter (don't believe everything common raps about...lol) I see these chuuch folx all the time. Many of them truly love God, and mean you well. But boy i think the meanest, and evilest folx in the world be up in the church!! Whispering and falling a sleep while my daddy...I mean the preacher preach....and then stand up in front of the church like, I's so holy and ya'll ain't right, you better get on your knees and pray for my approval" Hmph! that's what I gotta say to that. It makes me sad, cause there are so many people that'll use the excuse of trifling church folx to stay away from church and even christianity. I wish they'd realize that those of us who truly love and know the Lord...ain't the ones acting holier than thou. We understand that we are imperfect and that in spite of our imperfections...God loves us.
So I'm trying to forgive and be loving to all the "fake" Christians, even our Commander and Chief
what?? I'm just sayin.
Vices and Addictions
My name is Chandra and I am a blog addict. I am ashamed, I have only been doing this for like 2 months...and I can't stop. Not to mention I have a few bloggers that I must read. Humanity Critic, Brutha Code, and Leon (hiding my face behing my hands) Listen...maybe I shouldn't read them, but I can't help but look and see what they talking about each day. (i don't know how to link them to this entry...so click on Leon under my daily reads and he's linked to the other two)
I'm 'bout to stop blogging tho, because ya'll don't appreciate me. lol. Well maybe not that, 'cause I don't care, but these other bloggers make me feel stale or dumb. I wonder about bloggers tho, is it contrived intellect or comedy????
It probably is, but who cares 'cause I'm reading still. As for me, all I know how to be is who I am.
And I'm addicted....nevermind......I almost told ya'll more, but I don't know u like that. (hehe)
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I went away to Florida,heard from Paula White, saw Kelly Price in concert and turned 25 (9/1) !!! What a blessing. However all these blessings were tempered by the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina. Ironically with the same name as my best friend.
As I laid in the "safety" of my hotel room bed, tears welled up in my eyes looking at the reflections of my self on CNN. It took my breath away. I don't know about you, but I literally had to focus on breathing because my instinct was to stop. Did you see the devastation? It is far worse than anything Al-Quiada or any terrorist cell is capable of. When 9/11 occurred I remember feeling like I wanted to go there, but it was just a feeling that soon subsided. However, this time around...it was more than a feeling. It was an absolute necessity. I reached in my pocket, I wanted to buy formula, and diapers...but considering how shallow my pockets were I had to do more. I thought, it could be me, in fact it is me. Because in America...I , or Bill Cosby, or even Oprah may feel different than the masses of poor or underprivileged blacks, but in a situation like this,where money and education are useless...we are all just a bunch of black folk. . .stranded on a roof, begging for food, leaving behind dead loved ones, trying to survive.
So I volunteered to go. I haven't heard back yet. This trip may already have its fill of volunteers, but I will wait my turn...but I must go. I have been praying, and I have become aware of how trivial a lot of the things I worry and complain about are. I have a place to sleep tonight, it's warm here, and there is cable, internet, and a phone...not to mention my fill of food and running water. The precious things we take for granted. With this awareness I realize how awesome God is. He sees everything..and everyone's hardships...some severely worst than others...yet he cares about us and our situations the same...no matter how trivial. That is amazing to me...I want to reflect that kind of love and concern to others.
Anyway, I had steak last night...more than one piece and it was good. I was hungry, but as I ate it I was painfully aware of how blessed I am...I had steak for dinner what about you?
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