what's going on

so, i have been wanting to write...but just too busy and emotionally overwhelmed to. A very good friend of mine died suddenly. she was 22. so that has been devastating and i'm not to the point yet that i can go into much detail about it.

my ex called to tell me that his mother was on the verge of death, and that i should pray.i felt conflicted about how i felt. i find it just amazing how...he never calls unless it's FOR something. either he wants sex, his family wants to see the kids, he needs to borrow a "ten-spot"...haha...NEVER, hey are you ok? how are the kids? do they need anything? is the child support enough? can i take the boys to baseball practice...lol. NEVER that. but he'll call to ask ME to pray for his mom. i haven't prayed yet.

i will though.

it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.

on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.

i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.

his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.

that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.

i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.

i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....

what's going on with that??? lol

so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.