hey everyone...
nothing too light hearted to say. altho, i'm not unhappy.
i have a lot going on like always. all weekend i was thinking about what i'd write...but nothing was coming to mind.
but by the way, i prayed for my exes mother. mostly because i just dealt with a death and i didn't want to deal with another so soon...selfish?? i know it sounds like it, but i really didn't want my children to have to face that just yet...although timing is far from in my hands. i was just hoping that she would live and not die.
the good news is, she seems to be recovering...the last time i spoke to "him" he told me that she was conscious and talking. God answers prayers.
so i'm happy about that. there is a ton more i can say about that situation, but i won't. what i will say is that, some situations in life are just thorns in your side that won't go any where. so i guess, i'ma just have to live with this thorn.
so, my brother is moving on in his life again. (praise God) kinda anyway. if u know me, u know CJ is my aCE. so...seeing him all hooked up with someone, not having time for me again makes me feel a little tight lipped...lol. On the other hand as long as this girl has his best interest at heart and isn't a freeloader like the last one, i'm happy 4 him.
hahaha...i had a dream that i was at a banquet and everyone i knew was there. including MR.6'5" and i wasn't ready yet. so while everyone was sitting down, i ran upstairs to the bathroom to get dressed. i had the perfect dress and all...
I was standing there in my panties and bra....stepping into my dress, and Mr. 6'5" busted in and I screamed...and then i woke up. PISSED.
can he PLEASE get out of my dreams????
i keep trying to convince myself i'm over it. but i'm sure u guyz know tha deal.
i haven't called tho, and neither has he..and i won't. it's gonna fade...but dang.
i have heard tho, dreams are all that random info and thoughts and emotions LEAVING.
here's to wishful thinkin.
to be honest..i'm having one of those single moments when everyone around me is involved with some one. that's weird...i'm not used to being on THIS side.so last night was lonely.
i talked to God tho, i was like..."lord i know i should b talking to you right now." :)
i do enjoy my life tho.
my friend katrina says i'ma stick in the mud. i used to be "fun"
but i used to be loose...went for anything, uncertain about me. so maybe now...
this me, ain't fun. i hate to think that tho. i laugh a lot. i mean a lot. friday night, i was outside with my friends (like a kid) until almost 2am. we laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves.
i sang at this gospel lounge friday night. it went really well. someone said i reminded them of Lauryn Hill, and that's nice. I just hope she didn't mean Lauryn Hill on crack...or whatever she was on on that last album...uhhh NO!
ok, i'm just about done my ramble mission.
i'm waiting to hear back from law school....oops!
had i mentioned that b4???
oh well...i'm praying and anticipating my acceptance letters.
AND, i have to run because i freelance write for an online magazine,
and i had an article due friday...
it's monday.
get to work ms.chan.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
what's going on
so, i have been wanting to write...but just too busy and emotionally overwhelmed to. A very good friend of mine died suddenly. she was 22. so that has been devastating and i'm not to the point yet that i can go into much detail about it.
my ex called to tell me that his mother was on the verge of death, and that i should pray.i felt conflicted about how i felt. i find it just amazing how...he never calls unless it's FOR something. either he wants sex, his family wants to see the kids, he needs to borrow a "ten-spot"...haha...NEVER, hey are you ok? how are the kids? do they need anything? is the child support enough? can i take the boys to baseball practice...lol. NEVER that. but he'll call to ask ME to pray for his mom. i haven't prayed yet.
i will though.
it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.
on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.
i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.
his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.
that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.
i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.
i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....
what's going on with that??? lol
so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.
i will though.
it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.
on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.
i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.
his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.
that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.
i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.
i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....
what's going on with that??? lol
so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
strawberries and cream
i just ate some strawberries with whipped cream. It was such a pleasing thing to eat...it's fairly healthy, it's pretty to look at, and great tasting...and it just inspired me to write.
eating the strawberries made me focus on how good they were, and just for a second drown out the humming of my dryer, cat in the hat playing in the living room, and the worries running through my mind.
everyone needs a strawberries and cream break sometimes...i should be cooking, or something
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
flaws and all
i know myself pretty well... sure, i'm learning more everyday, but the years i've spent with me, have afforded me the inside info on just who and how i am.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.
that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)
the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.
there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.
i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.
(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.
and that's pretty kool.
it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!
and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.
that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)
the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.
there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.
i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.
the other night, i was kicking it with Mr. 6'5", he was sitting and i was laying and he rubbed his hand over my stomach...i winced (that is a problem area) and moved his hand. He asked me, why, and was i insecure...i admitted that i wasn't too fond of that part of my body...and he went on to tell me that i shouldn't feel like that and that i was fine...and all that. Not to say, that he is the one by any means
(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.
and that's pretty kool.
it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!
and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.
4 real tho.
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