The scary thing...

Have you ever seen something in yourself that was scary? I mean have you ever heard yourself say something that you couldn't believe you said? Or felt a way that in your idealized self you never would? The answer is more than likely yes.
Today I read someone's blog and she was talking about how evil she was today. It made me think because earlier today, I sent an email that wasn't nasty but straight forward to a fault. On the other hand I began composing another email that was going to be extremely emotionally bare and sweet.
I think we are capable of surprising ourselves because to some extent we are constantly discovering more and more, no matter how old we are. Somethings we may never find about ourselves...if our circumstances never push us to.
For instance, unless you've been abused you don't know how you would react in the situation. Or unless you are in a life threating situation, you don't know what you are capable of doing in order to survive. These are extreme cases...but the same is true in life altogether.
I was always sweet, nice, innocent but time, hurt, and experiences have exposed an uglier side of me. The things that if another person called me on, I'd deny.

I remember visualizing a way I could vandalize my ex mother-in-law's house. I was thinking about taking off my shoes (since the driveway was noisy gravel) tip-toeing slowly up to the house at night and slashing every tire on all three cars in the driveway and spray painting BITCH across the garage. I was serious tho, and that was scary...
The circustance pushed me. She was suing me for an unsubstantiated amount of money that she claimed to have loaned me and her son throughout the years we were married. Even claiming to have given me money to buy diapers on several occassions...I wanted to scream at the thought. I wish she woulda paid for them dag on diapers!!! Then she was trying to sue me for visitation of my kids...which she already had because my ex was living with her and he had them every other weekend. She tried everything...all the way to slander to hurt me. She made the ugly come out.

Then, at the end of my realationship with my ex-boyfriend...I found some text messages he had sent to this other chick about me saying things like..."i don't really want her" and "i'm just trying to get her to drop this restraining order" (a whole nutha story) When I read those text messages...I saw RED. I had been thru a bunch of crap with him, and loved him through it...but that??
No sir. He was living with me. So before he came home from work...I threw ALL of his clothes out on the street and locked him out. See that nigro pulled the ugly out.
He was beggin and crying. But I wasn't beat...and when I finally opened the door it was to fight him...I mean I know he could probably beat me..but I wanted to fight. I started pushing him and chasing after him...but he kept running telling me he didn't wanna F me up. He wasn't running from me as much as he was running from going to jail...refer back to the restraining order. lol...ugliness
(btw, I wasn't snooping..he'd sold his phone to my brother without erasing the texts..my brother, who didn't care for him, eagerly showed me the horrid text messages!)

Yeah, so certain situations have caused me to act in ways that when I take a step back...blows my mind. But realization is freeing and the only way that I can change. It's also the reason that I love God, He loves me anyway.