a LOVE just for me

I'm going thru something and what good is a blog if I can't write about it...I'm probably risking embarrasment and sounding corny but oh well.

It's probably no surprise but I'm in love...on top of everything else that is upside down right now in my life. What makes matters worst is that my "relationship" with him isn't working. I believe that he wants to be with me, but fear and self-doubt has paralyzed him. That, along with the fact that he is being spiritually transformed. The sad thing is that he is linked with a church that leads him to believe that if he messes up he can lose his salvation...that God's grace isn't sufficient. That we can in some way make our selves holy by the the things we do and don't do and by the company we keep. This is a true misgiving, being as though the Bible says that our righteousness (on our absolute best day) is as filthy rags. Rags, in the original translation, being cloths used by women on their period. I'd say clearly then, that there is nothing we can do to earn salvation or holiness. He often quotes a scripture about "working out [our] salvation with fear and trembling".
But I say, later for isolating scriptures, compare scripture with scripture and hear from God. What is baffiling to me is how he goes back and forth between the "world" and trying to live right...and continues to struggle (no different from many believers) but truly believes He is unsaved. This baffles me because that struggle, that constant tugging by the Holy Spirit is reserved for believers. What's more is that because I believe salvation is a gift that we can not lose, that it is sealed in heavenly places, he thinks we are unequally yoked (of all things).

It makes me sad because I truly love him, it makes me sad because I want him to know the loving, kind, and merciful nature of God. And I want him to understand that I know that even in that, there is no compromise in God and that sin will seperate us from Him. Still, the Bible says that for the believer there is NO CONDEMNATION.

Aside from this, which I believe is just another thing he tries use to keep from moving forward in a relationship is the fact that he always expresses fear that I will let him down like every other woman. His absolute disbelief that I could love him seperate from lust or some selfish motivations. Which is mind blowing considering our relationship was never truly a sexual one. He goes back and forth with verbalizing his desire to develop a relationship with me and why if we did it couldn't last. So it is quite disheartening for me, one who is willing to take risks, who loves unconditionally, a hopeless romantic, who longs for a mate that knows how to love the Lord, me , and my children.

So I got caught up in his potential. I never forced my kids on him. But, when I wasn't around He reached out to them. Better, they reached out to each other. I saw him smile at little things my babies did or said, instead of looking disinterested or even silently disgusted. He insisted on opening doors for me, he watched movie after movie with me, spent days and nights with us, he cooked for me, was respectful in my home to my fam, and kids. He would hold my hands, rub my feet, offer pedicures. . .he kissed me on my cheek, he smiled at me, invited me into his world, introduced me to his fam and friends, he listened to me, and talked to me, all with out the need or pressure for sex. Is it no wonder why I both fell and made a decision to love him?

I spoke to him the other day for hours, and we played with the ideas of moving on, both together and apart. It was then that I knew...whether I love him or not, we both had decisions to make. I decided it is not my job to convince him, or to change his uncertainty. He has to decide whether to choose me, with all the vunerability of loving or the safety of being alone, going from woman to woman...and perhaps missing the love God intended for him to experience.

I am by no means deluded. That is, I know that neither he or any man is my be all end all. But it is true that I love him. But above all I love God. I believe that the Lord has someone especially for me. That is why through the pain of loving someone and not seeing things develop as I wish, I can back away, wait, and hope.
Knowing that ultimately...I will have the love I long for, a love just for me.