Silence,Surfing,Shopping, RUBEN STUDDARD, Love, Life and Holiday Cheer!

Hey everyone...
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.

Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.

On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??

Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.

WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

The Most Wonderful Time...

So it's Christmas time, and I usually LOVE all the excitement, the shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating...all that. This year things seemed to have rushed up on me...way too quickly. It's still so pretty out...the lights, the trees, even the Christmas music. Because of all the things going on, I haven't been able to just bask in the ambiance of the holidays. But it's ok.

My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...

I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

watching tv

i love the idea of sitting back and relaxing while watching tv. but i can't do it. i am always preoccupied, i can never sit and watch an entire show.

AND i want to. :( do u ever have that problem?

i remember two summers ago...i literally spent a whole month of days sitting on my couch with my brother and jason watching movies. i miss being able to sit still and enjoy something.

apparently my brain has been working overtime for the past year. i don't even sleep good.i'm either in a coma and wake up confused...lol...or i wake up every coupla hours thinking about whatever was on my mind when my eyes first closed.

i have a tendency to self diagnose too. i have been having some memory loss and i asked a nurse what she thought caused it, and she told me it wasn't child birth (my assumption) but probably stress. i wanted to check so i looked it up on webmd and sure 'nuff...the top cause of short term memory loss was stress and anxiety.wow huh?

so, i'm trying to relax, pray, take it easy, breathe...and watch some tv dag on it, 'cause i don't know WHY i pay Comcast!

You gotta b kiddin me!

that's all i wanna know.
i MUST have a sticker on my forehead that says:
" easy to hurt, FOOL...kick where ever!"
i can't believe what my weekend has consisted of. wow.

let's begin with....
my bdiddy was supposed to get the kids this weekend. he calls and asks me to bring them to him since he didn't have the vehicle he normally drives. he said he was getting a ride home and should be there around 5pm. so i reluctantly agree to bring them to him. i get there at 6pm and not only is he no where to be found, but his mother tells me that he had the car ALL DAY.
wow.
so i drive away.furious! headed to church for choir rehearsal and my tire blows on the highway.
i limped the car for a mile to a gas station and was able to get the donut on. double furious.
anyway, once things get better with the car...i gather my composure and arrive to church late.
one of the young girls had asked me to do her hair. i agreed...but when i get to rehearsal..i don't see her. i found out she was there, but just in another part of the building.
so when she comes to me, i sit her down to do her hair and it was FILTHY. then her sister comes in the room saying their ride was about to leave. so i put her scarf back on and tell her to find out if she was leaving and that i thought she needed to go home anyway because her hair needed to be washed. she never returned to tell me anything, so i assumed she left with her ride.
i start practicing with my group and about 30 minutes into my practice my dad's wife comes in the room to say something to someone in there and then she leaves. maybe 15 minutes after that i see my dad. (who wasn't at the church and looked like he had just walked outta his house) he looks like something is wrong and motions for me to come to him.
so i get up and walk over to him and he proceeds to tear me a new one.
i was like, "what's wrong?" he said, "it's unacceptable that those kids were down stairs in the sanctuary in the dark"...and so on. I was like, "dad! i didn't even know they were he..."
He cut me off and said there was no excuse. So now, I'm furious again...and frustrated and confused. Now I am the co-youth director at our church, but there were 3 other adults there...including the other youth director and my dad's wife had JUST left, right before he walked in the door.
Not to mention that I had not brought any of the youth there and I wasn't taking anyone home. Once they left (i thought with their rides) I was off duty. Three of the children that were there were with their guardian and the other ones had manuevered their way out of leaving with their ride, without EVER telling me that they were still there, needed a ride or anything. ugh.i guess they figure...oh we can tell Chandra anything...she'll go for the oki-doke.

So now my dad's mad at me, I'm pissed at the kids, and what do you know????
I get a phone call from this girl's mom saying that she had to "pray before I called you, so I wouldn't go off." I just said, "okay."
why was my girlfriend was in the background almost doing flips she was so angry...she was lip syncing "hang up!...what is she saying???...give me the phone!" lol
i just handled the call and the mom said that she was gonna handle the girl, but that i should never have trusted HER daughter because she is only 13. so. ok.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....of course, b-diddy, back on tha scene. tryna see what else he can shake up. i NEVER go for it easily...but he always wears me down. So he begs me to come see him, he needed to "talk" to me and he said he would get my tire fixed. i said no and went home to go to sleep. he called about 8 times between last night and this morning trying to convince me to come over. After the fifth call this mornin, I say "ok"
All this, after he had tried to convince me that it was "over" between he and his girlfriend.
hmmm??? i shoulda knew better.
so i when i got there, the phone rings. it was her. u know how u can just tell by the body language? so he sees me out of the corner of his eye and he says to her, "i'ma call u back."
i'm thinkin "here we go." so i said calmly, "why LaMar" as soon as I said that...He hangs up on her. So she proceeds to keep calling back to back. I'm like "pick up the phone" ...lmbo. so now he just wants me to leave. He gave me the money for the tire and says ..."leave."
I wasn't going for it that easily tho. So she calling...he's picking up every other call...and don't u know she asked to speak to me?
So he hands me the phone...
her: what's going on?
me: what do you think?
her: what do u mean?
me: u know what's up, i don't have nothing else to say.
*click*
of course the phone keeps ringing. all i can think is...this is so stupid. i kept hearing that Toni Braxton song playing in my head. (download it...it's called STUPID)
He is an idiot and I STILL love him. that's downright DUMB.

Remember...a few post backs, I wrote about two sides of me?? That weak side revisited. I can't wait for a fresh slate tommorow. Cause these last two days have been OFF the hook. sheesh.