On the Verge of Something

i don't know why i ever leave the "drawing board" because i keep coming back to it.
it's almost funny, my life is about a continual return to the basics.
i'm not much for explaining right now.

everything is pretty much the same. my life, for the last year has been on the verge of...
that's pretty much the same. my situation is impossible. but i believe in a God that laughs at the impossible. i have days and moments when my faith can't be shaken, then there are those moments when worry, doubt and fear slip in and grip me.

so i'm praying on that.

i did get good news today. i have a client who was just preapproved for a loan and is ready to purchase. i have another i'll be taking out next week, one who is working on securing financing...today i also got two referrals. One buyer, one renter.
You see?? on the verge.

there is always opportunity to complain. but i'm not taking the bait.
my children are good. i'm getting really busy with the young folx
at my church, and the music thing.

i need to buy a car. get this, i called leron
he's a car salesman. lol.
i told him i wanted to buy a car, i figured i'd
give him some business. he told me he'd "have to think about it" and that he wasn't sure he "wanted to see me." i just laughed. silly man.i'm not gonna buy a car there, i just wanted to see what he was gonna say.
but yeah, my hoopty is getting sick. that Honda done me good and i just don't want her to
die a horrible death...she deserves to RIP. *hehehe
maybe she can hold on til january??? i dunno.

i'm tired of the verge. i'm tired of the drawing board...
i'm ready for the next thing.


~chani-diamonds-girl (lol)

PRECIOUS

i just thought i'd share this photo of my babies...
well my nephews (but they r like my babies!)

aren't they precious???

CHANDRA

Meanining of CHANDRA: Eminent, Illustrious.


that's pretty kool!

two sides of me

i feel very strongly like i am more than one person.
now don't get me twisted...lol. i'm not admitting to some multiple personality disorder or n e thing, lol. it's just that...i'm so in tune with my "inner me."

on one hand, i'm clear about so many things in life. i know what is right, and wrong. i know how to make decisions, i know how to advise people younger than me. i know exactly what i desire in a mate...and i'm ultra atriculate when it comes to writing my thoughts...i'm firm (mostly) when disciplining my children, about my faith, and business. i learn quickly, and i'm good at alot of things....

then there is this other side of me that keeps messing things up for me.
i get worried, flighty and even passive when it comes to matters of the heart and body.
i'm overly emotional at times and allow my self to be taken advantage of in more ways than one.
when it comes to speaking my thoughts...everything gets jumbled. i mean i have been told that i speak well...but they don't know my struggle. because i think faster than i can put it all together verbally...lol. i'm easily influenced in some situations, i allow guilt or emotions or feeling bad for someone else make me say yes in situations where my heart is screaming a resounding "HELL NO!" this is the side of me that hasn't grown up, that is still a sixteen year old girl.

this is the side of me that my ex husband always manipulated in my past. the side that many people (mainly men) tap into when they see a hint of its existence.

it seems like in the situations that i need to be the strongest is when this side of me takes over.
i'm so angry about being like this. the strong side of me is down right pissed off! i know better than to be a pushover...to allow others to make up my mind for me. i'm way too strong willed, strong minded. but this achilles heel, persists.
what is it? how do i change it...i have been trying to pep talk myself. i've tried to just do it...i've tried a bunch of angles at fixing this problem...even a prayer here and there.

that's the problem...i just gotta commit this to prayer.

do u have a similar problem?

saying goodbye sux

i got home from california last night.
i had the opportunity to say "goodbye" to my grand daddy.
(remember the one who was paying my cell bill)

i thought that i was going to be ok. i thought i was not gonna take it so hard. well i was wrong.
my heart was and is just broken. the moment i walked in the house, i saw pictures of my granddaddy on the counter. the fam had to decide which to use on the program...
i was trying to get something to eat and all of a sudden my hunger subsided and my eyes filled up...
i had to run outside so my gramma didn't see me cry.
then at the wake, i snuck in ahead of the family because i didn't wanna fall out in front of everyone when i saw his body in the casket.
i stood in the back and saw his profile in the casket and felt like someone punched me in my stomach....

that's only a small portion of what my last 4 days were like. but he was buried in the National Cemetery. They let us stand and watch as they lowered his casket into a vault, and then the vault in the ground...
i kept saying, "That's it...that's it."
the finality is unbelievable....i just had a few more things i needed to say to him.
i just wanted to stand at his coffin and keep rubbing his chest longer than i did and never leaving.

i wasn't ready to say goodbye for the LAST time, i wasn't ready for the casket to close, i wasn't ready to see him the LAST time...i wasn't ready to watch his remains disappear into the earth...

fam, i just wasn't ready.
i'm still not. but it's over.

i'm so glad that i believe that i will see my grand daddy again in heaven...so our goodbye is not final. but never the less...saying good bye to someone i love so much, is the worst thing i've ever experienced.

*the pic is my grand daddy and mommy