Today was a gloomy day. It started out hopeful...I had an interview at the Goddard School. In spite of the overhanging clouds and my lack of rest the night before I was fresh faced and in anticipation of a change. When I arrived I realized the job wasn't for me. While if I wanted it I could've had it, but it wasn't what I needed either financially or otherwise.
So I completed my interview and told the lady I'd call her, but I got in my car with a heavy heart knowing this was just another waste of time.
So I started thinking...what now? Do I keep looking? Do I wait on places that I've always sent resumes to? Do I give up on teaching? I mean it's mid-August. Or do I wait on God and believe that inspite of the way things look, my situation is not desolate. Do I remind myself that the darkest hour is right before the day? Today I kept imagining myself letting go, giving up, hanging my head, and crashing. But a deep internal assurance that God has surely not brought me this far to leave me, kept rising. I have to admit....sometimes looking the mountain in the face and realizing I don't have climbing gear can be overwhelming. A few times today I tried to speak and I couldn't stop my bottom lip from quivering or one or two fugitive tears from falling. I'm trying to learn to wait. I don't want to confuse waiting with laziness. I've realized that patience is a virtue because true patience is almost impossible. But I'm hanging in there.
To add to all that, I've had to take a real hard swallow of reality concerning my relationship with Jason. Right now, although I care so much, I have to back away. Baby boy is facing some things that I absolutely can not do anything about. Naturally my instinct is to want to step in, play savior and love him into a good situation. BUT I realize that this isn't my job, nor within my capabilities. If it wasn't for me to try to fix my ex-husband. . .I know now is the time I must bow out. So I'll have to leave my sweetie in the Lord's hands. It makes me sad. Mainly because he was a source of joy for me, peace, comfort, and no pressure. I'll still be a friend to him, but I want him to find completeness and healing in Christ.
But in the midst of this storm there is good news. I have a place to sleep, a vehicle, my health and so do my children, brother and daddy. I don't have many bills to pay right now and I can actually relax. (at least i have time to try) My birthday is about 3 weeks away and my sweet baby brother is sending me away to Florida to a retreat I've been longing to attend! My registration was confirmed today. So it isn't all bad and just when I think things couldn't get any worst, I remember to count my blessings.
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1 comment:
Child a Job is better then nothing, your not settle your just being a mother and taking care of yours what you all was have done. you may not see is know but you might get moved up in that job. I would love to tech I am stillin waiting to twah as well, thatch is a good system to tesh in , was it the area the people or the age group. in you other moment you scould have let the holy sprit taken over and gon into toungs ans sat and let lieeison then prisen him. I love you. Daniella. BigMom Prayed for all of us God has Or Back we all Will leave a mark in this world and I feel it's with children because of her blessing us. Our Husband will come some some Day when then We ready. Meaning God's Done shapeing us so he3 can Add to us. I know girl I want him know too because I want my kids know. Well Keep in tuch you a 5 steeps a head or me kids , done school. I coming, but don't wait.
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