i just am, and i just wanna share my testimony....which is simply that i have so many reasons to smile. :)so, i just choose to focus on those things. :)
thank u GOD!!! for my many blessings, and your kindness, mercy, favor, and provision.
i'm off to the beach for a few days tommorow.my fam got a spot for the week and the kids and i are going to hang out. i look forward to sitting on the beach with my book. just chillin, happy...just me and the kiddies.
my birthday is coming up and that is a blessing.
my birthday party is coming too and all i can think about is how am i gonna do the cupid shuffle in these 3 1/2 inch rocawear wedges i spotted this weekend...lmbo. u can't be cute, breaking your neck.
school is quickly approaching. i'm happy the little ones will be off to school all day again (big grin) i trust God to protect and keep them and give them favor.
i'm a little stressed about trying to get school clothes, shoes, underwear....so on.
thankfully...the book bags, lunch boxes and supplies are done with!!! now this, b4 long...Christmas!!! :) I'm not fretting, I will start Christmas the first pay in October. :) Bless God!!! :)
anyway, i'm happy and blessed...there is plenty of opportunity to worry and fret myself over the little things, but God hasn't failed me yet...even when i thought He was failing...He had it all under control. i think He's got this.u b blessed too!!!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
READY
i know i'm on a video kick...bare with me. it might wear off. but if a picture is worth a thousand words...a video has gotta be worth like a million or two. lmbo
I AM
I AM
BeAuTiFuL sOuL
I was reading consistently inconsistent's page
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.
But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.
I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.
What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.
With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.
But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.
I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.
What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.
With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
today, is the day she died
August 19, 1996
i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.
it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?
my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"
the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.
i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.
it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?
my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"
the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
to respond or not to respond
i have this person...around my cypher (if u will) who has tried since her debut to push me to some sort of response. at times, i have responded, but here lately i have made the effort to relax...not let them see me sweat.
the internet is her prime weapon...here and there i have seen some things and come across some words that were dropped off ...just for my "benefit."
Words intended to hurt, to cause stress and concern...hmmm,
and done all in the name of the LORD.
so instead of responding to her, like i contemplated, i've decided to write about it here.
the last thing i saw from her was actually very predictable.
she might be surprised to know that i am not hurt, and that the only response i feel is that she is so childish, and sad, and making herself look foolish.
if i could speak to her directly i'd say...
ur continous attempts to "let me know something" have only given me peace.
it is sad, that u feel like u have something to prove and that u have to FIGHT
for something i let go of years ago. nothing has changed with that person, or that situation...if u desire that for your life,good. this is ur life, not mine. so live it, and leave me out of it.
i am blessed, highly favored, and not the the least bit interested in what u do with your life. however, u seem to be extremely desperate, and insecure.u seem obsessed with me, and have interrupted my life as u are actively destroying innocent little people's lives. now i wanna know, how can any woman...let alone a woman of GOD live with that???hmmm...
i hope one day you can be secure in your womanhood, your relationship with God, and in your personal relationship.i have found that when truly content, i have nothing to prove to anyone.
anyway, i'm happy that i got that off my chest.
i'll b blogging again soon readers...i luv ya'll!
the internet is her prime weapon...here and there i have seen some things and come across some words that were dropped off ...just for my "benefit."
Words intended to hurt, to cause stress and concern...hmmm,
and done all in the name of the LORD.
so instead of responding to her, like i contemplated, i've decided to write about it here.
the last thing i saw from her was actually very predictable.
she might be surprised to know that i am not hurt, and that the only response i feel is that she is so childish, and sad, and making herself look foolish.
if i could speak to her directly i'd say...
ur continous attempts to "let me know something" have only given me peace.
it is sad, that u feel like u have something to prove and that u have to FIGHT
for something i let go of years ago. nothing has changed with that person, or that situation...if u desire that for your life,good. this is ur life, not mine. so live it, and leave me out of it.
i am blessed, highly favored, and not the the least bit interested in what u do with your life. however, u seem to be extremely desperate, and insecure.u seem obsessed with me, and have interrupted my life as u are actively destroying innocent little people's lives. now i wanna know, how can any woman...let alone a woman of GOD live with that???hmmm...
i hope one day you can be secure in your womanhood, your relationship with God, and in your personal relationship.i have found that when truly content, i have nothing to prove to anyone.
anyway, i'm happy that i got that off my chest.
i'll b blogging again soon readers...i luv ya'll!
Friday, August 03, 2007
Royalty
j, i've let u know, many times b4.
it's been a long time, since i shouted u out.
so this video is to u.
***btw, this isn't MR. 6'5"***
This video makes me hope. :)
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