August 19, 1996
i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.
it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?
my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"
the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Delight yourself...
So I guess life is a journey of learning...perhaps gaining and maturing
I think we all get very focused on achieving something, whatever that might be.
Whether its education, money, fame, a significant other...there is always something.
I am guilty. I am always moving toward the next thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything completely wrong with it either.
It's just that sometimes we get so caught up in chasing stuff that we lose sense of what really matters.
Maybe this is in the forefront of my mind as a result of recent deaths in my church family, or maybe because of my "break-up." Or somehow both.
Feeling lonely, or feeling some sort of emptiness often drives us to pursue things with so much fervor...and at least when it comes to dating, it can cause us to be so desperate that we'll accept anything.
I been thinking a lot and listening out for God and today I heard, "Delight yourself in the Lord...and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
I needed to be reminded that it isn't all about chasing down things or people or even prestige or title. But it is about remembering that I and each of us were born with a purpose...a purpose to bring glory to God...and to worship Him. When we walk in our purpose...God promises us the desires of our heart!! I needed to hear that, and I figured I'd share it with you.
Most of us...don't believe that we have this specific purpose. We are sure our purpose is to satisfy "us-own selves" and to bring glory and things to us, while we are here. And then wonder why we our souls are unhappy...never quenched. We are always in pursuit, when tomorrow isn't promised.
And even if we gain it all...what profits a man or woman to gain everything...but lose his/her soul?? Nothing.
So that is why we must seek first the LORD, and Delight ourselves in Him; everything else will follow.
That is what I aim to do.
I think we all get very focused on achieving something, whatever that might be.
Whether its education, money, fame, a significant other...there is always something.
I am guilty. I am always moving toward the next thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything completely wrong with it either.
It's just that sometimes we get so caught up in chasing stuff that we lose sense of what really matters.
Maybe this is in the forefront of my mind as a result of recent deaths in my church family, or maybe because of my "break-up." Or somehow both.
Feeling lonely, or feeling some sort of emptiness often drives us to pursue things with so much fervor...and at least when it comes to dating, it can cause us to be so desperate that we'll accept anything.
I been thinking a lot and listening out for God and today I heard, "Delight yourself in the Lord...and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
I needed to be reminded that it isn't all about chasing down things or people or even prestige or title. But it is about remembering that I and each of us were born with a purpose...a purpose to bring glory to God...and to worship Him. When we walk in our purpose...God promises us the desires of our heart!! I needed to hear that, and I figured I'd share it with you.
Most of us...don't believe that we have this specific purpose. We are sure our purpose is to satisfy "us-own selves" and to bring glory and things to us, while we are here. And then wonder why we our souls are unhappy...never quenched. We are always in pursuit, when tomorrow isn't promised.
And even if we gain it all...what profits a man or woman to gain everything...but lose his/her soul?? Nothing.
So that is why we must seek first the LORD, and Delight ourselves in Him; everything else will follow.
That is what I aim to do.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
romance?? not so much
so the latest news is that i am fresh out of a 2.5year relationship. its ending straight blind-sided me. and yet as sad as i am, i'm okay. i suppose it was my decision. he started talking about marriage alot...and i think it scared him. i wasn't forcing this conversation what so ever.it started with him calling me imploring me to see the movie "fire proof your marriage." then him telling me that everytime he hears people talking about marriage and their wives...he thinks of me.
then seemingly out of no where, he told me that he needed to step back and evaluate his feelings and motives toward me to make sure they are pure.
(he says because of his history as a "knuckle head" and of using women, i should see the sincerity behind him wanting to be sure)---and i do,
however, i heard that...and heard something else. i felt as if i had been betrayed.
why? because i didn't want this relationship and he spent an entire year convincing me of his certainty that i was the one and that he was gonna show me...and i finally believed him, against my better judgment and then he decided he needed to step back...to assess.
he told me i was over reacting. am i?
i don't have time for re-evaluation, after all this time. so i decided to fall back, majorly. including not taking his calls. i think we've exchanged 3 emails in the last month. the straw tho, no matter how petty...was seeing a comment on his myspace page. some girl, saying "see you saturday sexy." lol. that was my epiphany moment.
so i think i cried for a total of 10 minutes...and like i said i'm sad. but okay. back to square one.
God has to intervene here...cause i give up.
then seemingly out of no where, he told me that he needed to step back and evaluate his feelings and motives toward me to make sure they are pure.
(he says because of his history as a "knuckle head" and of using women, i should see the sincerity behind him wanting to be sure)---and i do,
however, i heard that...and heard something else. i felt as if i had been betrayed.
why? because i didn't want this relationship and he spent an entire year convincing me of his certainty that i was the one and that he was gonna show me...and i finally believed him, against my better judgment and then he decided he needed to step back...to assess.
he told me i was over reacting. am i?
i don't have time for re-evaluation, after all this time. so i decided to fall back, majorly. including not taking his calls. i think we've exchanged 3 emails in the last month. the straw tho, no matter how petty...was seeing a comment on his myspace page. some girl, saying "see you saturday sexy." lol. that was my epiphany moment.
so i think i cried for a total of 10 minutes...and like i said i'm sad. but okay. back to square one.
God has to intervene here...cause i give up.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I been promising...
First let me say, my intentions are so good guys. Yet I have been absolutely swamped by life.
I finished finals about 2 weeks ago and immediately began a full time internship...and you already know I'm full time mommy and then there's ministry and maintaining a healthy relationship with my sweetheart...lol.
So finding time to write, ugh, not so much.
Real Pirates??!!?
So let me just say, this is old...but why did I think that Pirates were make believe???
No we didn't see whole ships get jacked by these little makeshift boats of skinny black pirates. lmbo. These guys are gansta...and although I can't condone "pirating activities" (rotfl)
My mind was straight blown!
She's on Parole and won't leave me alone!! *Help*
She has been stalking me. I met her at an event for homeless women, in which I was the keynote. One of the ladies who knew her well introduced us and thought I would be a good, I guess mentor or something. I have made myself available to the young white woman. She is a former drug abuser and was recently released from prison, but that doesn't matter to me.
I liked her, I wanted to encourage her to stay on the straight and narrow because I believe that she can do it. She was instructed by her parole officer not to move in with her abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen.
They got into a fight and when the police were called, it was a violation of her parole.
She called me crying saying that they were gonna send her back to prison unless she had $250 to pay her attorney. I tried to encourage her to go to legal aid, but she insisted on a particular attorney. So I offered her the money. No, I gave her the money and although she said she'd pay me back, I am not looking for it.
However, not two days later she was calling me asking me for $400 more. Then I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She got me.
It's all good though. The real issue is that I think she thinks I'm her woman now.
She blows up my phone, "where you at?", "what you doing?" "what time you get home?" When you gonna call me?" "Call me NOW." I'm thinking....is this real???
She then proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend approves of me, but no other girls cause she "used to be" bi-sexual. I'm like blown by all this...did I mention that she has been calling me telling me she needs a place to live? I told her, I can't help you...call Welfare. She says they won't help. I have resorted to ignoring her, and it's finally beginning to work...
But I feel bad, because I don't want to be the one person that she thinks cares and then just dumps her...at the same time, I have too much on my plate to carry her stuff too.
What do you think??
Reality TV (Jon and Kate and the Duggar Family)
Ok, I am so sad about Jon and Kate. I feel like it's me. That is dumb, I know, but I've been through the dissolution of a marriage, while having a household of kids and that on its own sux...I just can't imagine having cameras in my face. For that, I blame Kate. She is loving the spotlight and fame too much, probably the money too. Jon is so over it, but she doesn't seem to care and rather than sacrifice the fame, she seems to be sacrificing her marriage and family life. It's not worth it, at least it wouldn't be for me.
The Duggar family is just freaking amazing. They are solid Christians with 18 children. They are independently wealthy and yet they are frugal. I guess I should say, they are frugal and so they are independtly wealthy. They amaze me because they seem so happy and loving and wholesome. Not that I want my household to be all little house on the praire like them, but I certainly feel like there are some good worthwhile lessons I can learn from them. Have you seen the show?? They are corny...but in like a really good way.
Oprah and that nasty ol' school...
Dear Oprah,
You have a good heart ( I guess) and you showed good intentions by instituting that school for girls in Africa. But, there are some nasty, perverted and ungrateful people there...always tryna do it to each other and well Ms. Oprah...you need to get out for they have you in court trying to hold you liable for rape and endangering the welfare of minors and all kinds of other things they you are innocent of, just cause your name is on there.
My advice: Cut and Run!!! lol. (for real tho)
Ok, I gotta run. I luv u blog world, I know u have grown tired of me with my long pauses...
I will get better, one day. (I hope)
Luv-Luv
I finished finals about 2 weeks ago and immediately began a full time internship...and you already know I'm full time mommy and then there's ministry and maintaining a healthy relationship with my sweetheart...lol.
So finding time to write, ugh, not so much.
Real Pirates??!!?
So let me just say, this is old...but why did I think that Pirates were make believe???
No we didn't see whole ships get jacked by these little makeshift boats of skinny black pirates. lmbo. These guys are gansta...and although I can't condone "pirating activities" (rotfl)
My mind was straight blown!
She's on Parole and won't leave me alone!! *Help*
She has been stalking me. I met her at an event for homeless women, in which I was the keynote. One of the ladies who knew her well introduced us and thought I would be a good, I guess mentor or something. I have made myself available to the young white woman. She is a former drug abuser and was recently released from prison, but that doesn't matter to me.
I liked her, I wanted to encourage her to stay on the straight and narrow because I believe that she can do it. She was instructed by her parole officer not to move in with her abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen.
They got into a fight and when the police were called, it was a violation of her parole.
She called me crying saying that they were gonna send her back to prison unless she had $250 to pay her attorney. I tried to encourage her to go to legal aid, but she insisted on a particular attorney. So I offered her the money. No, I gave her the money and although she said she'd pay me back, I am not looking for it.
However, not two days later she was calling me asking me for $400 more. Then I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She got me.
It's all good though. The real issue is that I think she thinks I'm her woman now.
She blows up my phone, "where you at?", "what you doing?" "what time you get home?" When you gonna call me?" "Call me NOW." I'm thinking....is this real???
She then proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend approves of me, but no other girls cause she "used to be" bi-sexual. I'm like blown by all this...did I mention that she has been calling me telling me she needs a place to live? I told her, I can't help you...call Welfare. She says they won't help. I have resorted to ignoring her, and it's finally beginning to work...
But I feel bad, because I don't want to be the one person that she thinks cares and then just dumps her...at the same time, I have too much on my plate to carry her stuff too.
What do you think??
Reality TV (Jon and Kate and the Duggar Family)
Ok, I am so sad about Jon and Kate. I feel like it's me. That is dumb, I know, but I've been through the dissolution of a marriage, while having a household of kids and that on its own sux...I just can't imagine having cameras in my face. For that, I blame Kate. She is loving the spotlight and fame too much, probably the money too. Jon is so over it, but she doesn't seem to care and rather than sacrifice the fame, she seems to be sacrificing her marriage and family life. It's not worth it, at least it wouldn't be for me.
The Duggar family is just freaking amazing. They are solid Christians with 18 children. They are independently wealthy and yet they are frugal. I guess I should say, they are frugal and so they are independtly wealthy. They amaze me because they seem so happy and loving and wholesome. Not that I want my household to be all little house on the praire like them, but I certainly feel like there are some good worthwhile lessons I can learn from them. Have you seen the show?? They are corny...but in like a really good way.
Oprah and that nasty ol' school...
Dear Oprah,
You have a good heart ( I guess) and you showed good intentions by instituting that school for girls in Africa. But, there are some nasty, perverted and ungrateful people there...always tryna do it to each other and well Ms. Oprah...you need to get out for they have you in court trying to hold you liable for rape and endangering the welfare of minors and all kinds of other things they you are innocent of, just cause your name is on there.
My advice: Cut and Run!!! lol. (for real tho)
Ok, I gotta run. I luv u blog world, I know u have grown tired of me with my long pauses...
I will get better, one day. (I hope)
Luv-Luv
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
To Be Discussed (upcoming blog posts)
She's On Parole and Won't Stop Calling Me...
what should I do?
Diamonds on the Headlines...(finally again)
Why I am blown by the African Pirates...
Why I am amazed by the Duggar Family
What I'd Do if I were Oprah...lol (besides shop!)
Incarcerated Love: It's not all sign language and letters...lol
Or is it??
what should I do?
Diamonds on the Headlines...(finally again)
Why I am blown by the African Pirates...
Why I am amazed by the Duggar Family
What I'd Do if I were Oprah...lol (besides shop!)
Incarcerated Love: It's not all sign language and letters...lol
Or is it??
finals...arrrgh!
it is crunch time right now. here i am again two weeks away from finals and it is crazy. unlike undergrad, my entire grade for my course is based off of 1 five hour exam. so i'm trying not to straight freak out. i have a tendency to get sleepy when i get stressed, but sleep is my enemy right now... or so i feel, cause when i'm sleep, i'm not studying. anyway, i'm attempting to just breathe through this, pray, study...and leave it in God's hands. shooting for A's.... :) pray 4 me ya'll (oh i have some mess to tell u about, but next blog....until then goodnight!)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
So blessed...(The God in Me)
i luv this blog cause i just have to read a few posts to see where God has brought me from, and what He's brought me through. it reminds me that no matter what i've come up against...i always win. Not because of any good of my own, any strength or might that i have...but it's the God in me!
so all that to say, my last post i was feeling a bit frustrated and today i feel so blessed. i still have deadlines to make (major paper due tomorrow), finals approaching (ugh), bills (double ugh), my personal short-comings, and all the rest of life's worries...but i'm happy and joyful. i recently won the black law student association writing competition, and a $500 scholarship from them, and i also just got word that i was chosen as a black women lawyers of nj scholarship recipient (im not sure how much yet). :) i honestly anticipate more to come, cause God is just like that.
i'm looking for a summer legal position, but also trust that it is coming. my steps indeed are ordered! my children are well (on spring break) and i'm just grateful, it's rainy today, and i was so happy to see the rain, because i knew if it was sunny i wouldn't be able to get any work done. lol.
so it all works out, doesn't it. hang in there people...because life is a struggle and survival isn't about what we can do in our own power, but rather what God can do for and through us.
CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT--(the words are so true)
so all that to say, my last post i was feeling a bit frustrated and today i feel so blessed. i still have deadlines to make (major paper due tomorrow), finals approaching (ugh), bills (double ugh), my personal short-comings, and all the rest of life's worries...but i'm happy and joyful. i recently won the black law student association writing competition, and a $500 scholarship from them, and i also just got word that i was chosen as a black women lawyers of nj scholarship recipient (im not sure how much yet). :) i honestly anticipate more to come, cause God is just like that.
i'm looking for a summer legal position, but also trust that it is coming. my steps indeed are ordered! my children are well (on spring break) and i'm just grateful, it's rainy today, and i was so happy to see the rain, because i knew if it was sunny i wouldn't be able to get any work done. lol.
so it all works out, doesn't it. hang in there people...because life is a struggle and survival isn't about what we can do in our own power, but rather what God can do for and through us.
CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT--(the words are so true)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
frustration
i have the had the two most frustrating days ever.
my car broke down yesterday two hours away from where i live. i found someone to fix it...but things just didn't go according to my plans. yesterday or today, and my car is still disabled up there, and i'm down here with the keys and the part to fix it.
and i just keep thinking, my blessing has got to be on the way, because murphy's law has been hot on my trail. lol.
in the midst of my frustration, i am learning to breathe and not cry. to pray and not complain. to have faith instead of fret, and to rest and not wrestle. Cause ultimately, God is gonna work it out.
sometimes things and circumstances are just out of our hands. i have always had a problem with worrying and i believe that God is teaching me to trust Him, in every situation. He's got it, even this.
i mean despite everything i've been thru, i have made it THRU...and so many times i felt like i couldn't. so i'm still standing. and yeah i'm frustrated, but it will be ok.or like my momma would always tell say, "this too shall pass."
MyHotComments
my car broke down yesterday two hours away from where i live. i found someone to fix it...but things just didn't go according to my plans. yesterday or today, and my car is still disabled up there, and i'm down here with the keys and the part to fix it.
and i just keep thinking, my blessing has got to be on the way, because murphy's law has been hot on my trail. lol.
in the midst of my frustration, i am learning to breathe and not cry. to pray and not complain. to have faith instead of fret, and to rest and not wrestle. Cause ultimately, God is gonna work it out.
sometimes things and circumstances are just out of our hands. i have always had a problem with worrying and i believe that God is teaching me to trust Him, in every situation. He's got it, even this.
i mean despite everything i've been thru, i have made it THRU...and so many times i felt like i couldn't. so i'm still standing. and yeah i'm frustrated, but it will be ok.or like my momma would always tell say, "this too shall pass."
MyHotComments
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
About me
Not sure why I worry
or sure why I cry
Not sure of what will happen tomorrow
or when I'm gonna die.
Not sure of so many things
of who will stay or leave
Not sure why things exist
or why they come to be.
I guess all that I'm sure of
is that more than anything else
I wanna have meaning
beyond what aesthetics can tell.
I want my tears to matter
and my efforts to count
I'm not sure the number
but my life has to amount
to something bigger than me
something that lasts long
or should I say for someone
eternal, like a Beetles song
I want the butterflies in my stomach
to get out and fly away
I want the sun to come
I want to treasure my life TODAY
I want to have the words
for things that leave me speechless
I want to reach into every soul
I encounter and leave them blessed
I wish I could teach ethics
integrity and love
racial sensitivity and harmony
unity that springs from above
I want to hold peace and calm
joy and certainty in my bosom
I wanna be pregnant with generosity
like a flower waiting to blossom
I want to be inspiration
that urges positive movement
like music blowing in the breezes
making the trees do the watusi
Sometimes I feel nervous
and I can't explain why
Sometimes I walk in the church
and just start to cry
I feel the need to worship
like I grew out of the earth
like I've been here since creation
and remember being dirt
I never want the people
I love to have a doubt
about how much I love them
and what true love is all about
I wish I could paint my life
if I could it would be pretty
a canvas full of colors and designs
with mirrored reflections of me
My life could be a scrapbook
with cutouts and photographs
beautiful words and artistic phrases
enchanting memories that would last
I get afraid at night
when I'm alone in my bed
I'm supposed to be the grown up
but I still want to be protected
I pray alot
I love using words to write
and I wanna open my mouth
and sing songs that change lives
I want to live, laugh and love
I want him to adore me
I want to walk in my purpose…
I want to live beautifully!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Randomotions...to love him or leave him alone
Humanity never ceases to amaze me. There is this "girl"(from my man's past) who insists on playing mind games and trying to psychologically manipulate people around me to negatively affect my relationship with him. It ain't nothing new, these tactics. Baby mommas and exes all around the world employ them. Yet, I find myself fighting to remain unaffected. On top of this, he has a few other exes who have made their hate for our relationship known, as well as letting him (and the world) know how much they still love him.
He wants me to ignore all that, and hang in there with him. He tells me to be confident and secure in my place. And usually, that is not a problem. Yet, here lately I'm feeling more and more like I am being drained with this negative energy from outsiders who wish they could be in my place. Even understanding that it is foolish nonsense and hate isn't 100% enough to let it roll off my back.
It gets me to wondering if I can deal with this kinda thing for long term. I mean, my daddy taught me that drama is for tv, not for my life. I live by that motto. When things get a little too dramatic, I take a few steps back and reevaluate whether some people, places, or things need to be eliminated from my cypher. So this is where I am.
Although, I wanna stay with him more than ever...just to thwart their efforts. And of course there is the way more logical and somewhat emotional side that says..."Chan you don't have to deal with this mess!" Even though I love him so much, and I do. Even though he loves me, and I'm sure of that. Some things are deal breakers...and I'm just trying to decide if this is mine. ???
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Diamonds, On tha Headlines...4get DL, it's me
So here are my thoughts, musings, and opinions about some of the news headlines that are on my mind. I'm gonna try to do these once a week...so please lemme know what u think.
Star High School Running Back Mysteriously Dead
So the story is that, he was pulled over by an officer and when the officer returned to his patrol car to run this young man's info. He heard a gunshot
and when he came up to the car, he saw Billy Joe Johnson dead on the ground by the driver side of the car.
His family and friends are in disbelief...MY TAKE:Um, I don't know why, maybe it's my cynicism toward officers...but something in me is thinking...*cough* buLLsH!t *cough* I mean, it could've happened, I guess. But it just seems so arbitrary that he'd take that moment to kill himself. They said he had a shotgun by his side...a shot gun???
I dunno ya'll, this just don't sit right with me. What do you say??? You can read the story HERE
What if they were black?
So this is the case where the little was missing for over 30days before her mother reported her missing. The mom's story has changed continuously, her car was found abandoned with the stench of a decomposing body in it, but no body. After months she was finally charged with the disappearance of her daughter, for which she has pled "not guilty" maintaining that the babysitter stole er daughter.
MY TAKE: I feel real funny about this situation as well, but what is overwhelmingly obvious is how "well" this young woman has been treated under the circumstances. She has been jailed two or three times, only to be released, the authorities (while suspecting her) have given her plenty of the benefit of the doubt even though her stories have been unbelievable and just not checking out. But if this young twenty something mom was black, whether it received any media coverage or not (most likely not) she would've been locked up, put under the jail, and treated as guilty until proven innocent. I know this, because I've seen it first hand with young black mothers...and not for killing or losing their children, but for allegations of spankings, or just about any other thing that is viewed as a social infraction. The irony of this is down right pitiful.
By the way there are missing minority little girls and boys that never get air time...what about them?
Flood Warning For "My Town"...
The Weather channel reports that, "A FLOOD WARNING MEANS THAT FLOODING IS IMMINENT OR HAS BEEN REPORTED. "
MY TAKE: Oh, great. I'm at work right now so I'ma have to row, row, row my boat home...I sure hope my house hasn't floated away. lol.
Have a Happy Saturday!!!
Star High School Running Back Mysteriously Dead
So the story is that, he was pulled over by an officer and when the officer returned to his patrol car to run this young man's info. He heard a gunshot
and when he came up to the car, he saw Billy Joe Johnson dead on the ground by the driver side of the car.
His family and friends are in disbelief...MY TAKE:Um, I don't know why, maybe it's my cynicism toward officers...but something in me is thinking...*cough* buLLsH!t *cough* I mean, it could've happened, I guess. But it just seems so arbitrary that he'd take that moment to kill himself. They said he had a shotgun by his side...a shot gun???
I dunno ya'll, this just don't sit right with me. What do you say??? You can read the story HERE
What if they were black?
So this is the case where the little was missing for over 30days before her mother reported her missing. The mom's story has changed continuously, her car was found abandoned with the stench of a decomposing body in it, but no body. After months she was finally charged with the disappearance of her daughter, for which she has pled "not guilty" maintaining that the babysitter stole er daughter.
MY TAKE: I feel real funny about this situation as well, but what is overwhelmingly obvious is how "well" this young woman has been treated under the circumstances. She has been jailed two or three times, only to be released, the authorities (while suspecting her) have given her plenty of the benefit of the doubt even though her stories have been unbelievable and just not checking out. But if this young twenty something mom was black, whether it received any media coverage or not (most likely not) she would've been locked up, put under the jail, and treated as guilty until proven innocent. I know this, because I've seen it first hand with young black mothers...and not for killing or losing their children, but for allegations of spankings, or just about any other thing that is viewed as a social infraction. The irony of this is down right pitiful.
By the way there are missing minority little girls and boys that never get air time...what about them?
Flood Warning For "My Town"...
The Weather channel reports that, "A FLOOD WARNING MEANS THAT FLOODING IS IMMINENT OR HAS BEEN REPORTED. "
MY TAKE: Oh, great. I'm at work right now so I'ma have to row, row, row my boat home...I sure hope my house hasn't floated away. lol.
Have a Happy Saturday!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My Spiritual Journey to Having it All...
“Having it all”, isn’t that what every woman wants? It bodes the question, is it possible to have it all? The answer is a resounding yes. However, it all comes down to how we determine just what “it all” is.
The Virtuous woman outlined in Proverbs 31, gives us a clue in on this idea of having it all. I remember thinking, and hearing other women express that the Virtuous woman standard is an impossibility for everyday women. This woman took exceptional care of her household, her husband, used her hands to bring income into her household, worshipping the Lord all the while. Sure, we wanna be like the Virtuous woman, but can we be?
In this day in age, we women struggle to balance it all. We are working, raising children, trying to stay fit and healthy, going to school, starting businesses, being active in ministry, cultivating our relationships with the Lord, investing in our marriages and friendships, and trying to keep our households together. Sometimes it seems that there is just too much to do and so little time.
I am a divorced mother of four school aged children. There is no question that mothering is in and of itself hard-work, but in addition to that, I am a full time law student, I work nights on a per-diem basis, have a home to maintain, bills to pay, I manage to maintain some sort of social life with my girlfriends, and an occasional date. I am very active in my church, and like to shop. I work out when I can, but not enough. I love to cook, and do just about every day of the week. To be honest, sometimes it all is so overwhelming that it leaves me slumped over the sink with tears splashing into the soapy dish water below me. It’s in moments like these that I hear the reassuring voice within me, the Spirit of God reminding that I can have it all, I can do it all but only through the power of the Holy Spirit.
You know, it has to be the truth because every time someone says to me, “Girl I don’t know how you do it.” I think, “I don’t know how either”. It has to be divine. More times than not, I don’t have enough money to pay all of my bills but I still have a home with electricity and running water. I don’t always feel like cooking dinner, helping with homework, and then doing my own. I don’t always wanna hear kids jumping and running through the house. Yet, I’ve been able to develop remarkable ways to keep stress low, feed my family, and stay current on my schoolwork. When I try to make sense of it all, I can’t except to say that the Lord has provided, He’s made a way out of no way, and the Spirit of God has empowered me beyond what is physically, perhaps even humanly possible.
The truth is, you and I cannot have it all…in our own power, but when we surrender to the power of God we’ll be surprised what we can achieve.
Perspective is significant to having it all. We must consider, how is “having it all” measured? Is it by the assets that we own? The amount of money that we have amassed? Is it the prestige ascribed by others? Or is it by the small things in life? Perhaps it’s that I’ve been homeless and have had the misfortune of living between cars, motels, and other people’s homes, that makes me so grateful. Whatever it is, I am certain that gratefulness is primary in “having it all.” I have it all because every little blessing is huge to me. I bestow love and concern on my precious children, family and friends because I am grateful for them, for their lives and their health and strength. I care for my house, because I see it as a gift. Reading my cases for school is important because the opportunity to pursue my dream in law school is a privilege.
Similarly, by being grateful, by counting my blessings it helps me to put life in perspective. I don’t have to have a whole lot of money in my bank account, I don’t have to have the newest coach bag, or even a salon pedicure to have it all. It doesn’t matter so much if my laundry room doesn’t look exactly like one out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. When I go to Wal-Mart and leave with a cart full of pillows and candles, sheets, paper-plates, hi-c, socks and laundry detergent, I smile to myself and think, I have it all!
In this New Year ladies, here is our challenge: To seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things, the Word promises, will be added into our lives. Just think, doesn’t this promise simplify the conquest of “having it all”? You may be wondering, “How do I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness?” Well, the answer is to change your perspective by prioritizing, what I call, “quiet time” with God. We must spend time reading the Bible and praying in earnest daily. It is not easy to keep this focus, but it is possible and with it comes the promise that “all these things” we spin our wheels in pursuit of, will be added unto us. It is in studying the Word and conversing with the Lord in prayer that we discover the right way to go and the paths to avoid: the overall direction for our lives.
Resolutions are generally made to be broken, but if we must make resolutions, let’s resolve to seek the kingdom of God with our whole hearts, to read the word, to pray, to tithe, to find a church home and to be active in it, and then to trust that the promises of God are “Yes and Amen”, and you will be amazed how blessed your life is. As you go on about pursuing the abundant life, remember that perfection is not attainable although we aim towards it, and with a little bit of perspective and the power of the Holy Spirit, you won’t have to labor to “have it all,” you just might realize that you’ve had it all along.
The Virtuous woman outlined in Proverbs 31, gives us a clue in on this idea of having it all. I remember thinking, and hearing other women express that the Virtuous woman standard is an impossibility for everyday women. This woman took exceptional care of her household, her husband, used her hands to bring income into her household, worshipping the Lord all the while. Sure, we wanna be like the Virtuous woman, but can we be?
In this day in age, we women struggle to balance it all. We are working, raising children, trying to stay fit and healthy, going to school, starting businesses, being active in ministry, cultivating our relationships with the Lord, investing in our marriages and friendships, and trying to keep our households together. Sometimes it seems that there is just too much to do and so little time.
I am a divorced mother of four school aged children. There is no question that mothering is in and of itself hard-work, but in addition to that, I am a full time law student, I work nights on a per-diem basis, have a home to maintain, bills to pay, I manage to maintain some sort of social life with my girlfriends, and an occasional date. I am very active in my church, and like to shop. I work out when I can, but not enough. I love to cook, and do just about every day of the week. To be honest, sometimes it all is so overwhelming that it leaves me slumped over the sink with tears splashing into the soapy dish water below me. It’s in moments like these that I hear the reassuring voice within me, the Spirit of God reminding that I can have it all, I can do it all but only through the power of the Holy Spirit.
You know, it has to be the truth because every time someone says to me, “Girl I don’t know how you do it.” I think, “I don’t know how either”. It has to be divine. More times than not, I don’t have enough money to pay all of my bills but I still have a home with electricity and running water. I don’t always feel like cooking dinner, helping with homework, and then doing my own. I don’t always wanna hear kids jumping and running through the house. Yet, I’ve been able to develop remarkable ways to keep stress low, feed my family, and stay current on my schoolwork. When I try to make sense of it all, I can’t except to say that the Lord has provided, He’s made a way out of no way, and the Spirit of God has empowered me beyond what is physically, perhaps even humanly possible.
The truth is, you and I cannot have it all…in our own power, but when we surrender to the power of God we’ll be surprised what we can achieve.
Perspective is significant to having it all. We must consider, how is “having it all” measured? Is it by the assets that we own? The amount of money that we have amassed? Is it the prestige ascribed by others? Or is it by the small things in life? Perhaps it’s that I’ve been homeless and have had the misfortune of living between cars, motels, and other people’s homes, that makes me so grateful. Whatever it is, I am certain that gratefulness is primary in “having it all.” I have it all because every little blessing is huge to me. I bestow love and concern on my precious children, family and friends because I am grateful for them, for their lives and their health and strength. I care for my house, because I see it as a gift. Reading my cases for school is important because the opportunity to pursue my dream in law school is a privilege.
Similarly, by being grateful, by counting my blessings it helps me to put life in perspective. I don’t have to have a whole lot of money in my bank account, I don’t have to have the newest coach bag, or even a salon pedicure to have it all. It doesn’t matter so much if my laundry room doesn’t look exactly like one out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. When I go to Wal-Mart and leave with a cart full of pillows and candles, sheets, paper-plates, hi-c, socks and laundry detergent, I smile to myself and think, I have it all!
In this New Year ladies, here is our challenge: To seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things, the Word promises, will be added into our lives. Just think, doesn’t this promise simplify the conquest of “having it all”? You may be wondering, “How do I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness?” Well, the answer is to change your perspective by prioritizing, what I call, “quiet time” with God. We must spend time reading the Bible and praying in earnest daily. It is not easy to keep this focus, but it is possible and with it comes the promise that “all these things” we spin our wheels in pursuit of, will be added unto us. It is in studying the Word and conversing with the Lord in prayer that we discover the right way to go and the paths to avoid: the overall direction for our lives.
Resolutions are generally made to be broken, but if we must make resolutions, let’s resolve to seek the kingdom of God with our whole hearts, to read the word, to pray, to tithe, to find a church home and to be active in it, and then to trust that the promises of God are “Yes and Amen”, and you will be amazed how blessed your life is. As you go on about pursuing the abundant life, remember that perfection is not attainable although we aim towards it, and with a little bit of perspective and the power of the Holy Spirit, you won’t have to labor to “have it all,” you just might realize that you’ve had it all along.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
A New Day
I was sitting at my kitchen table this weekend, opening mail. A midst a bunch of junk and bills I'd rather discard, was an envelope with an Obama (Yes We Did) bumper sticker. I had ordered it, but still felt excited when it arrived. I took the sticker out and set it on the table to be ready for next time I went out to the car.
My beautiful 2year old nephews were over for the weekend. They are finally getting their precious baby sounds to sound like English. :)
Christopher, the oldest of the twins, came right over to the table and said, "Ahbama!" Stunned, I said, "Huh?" And he replied and pointed to the bumper sticker, "Ahbama, Ahbama." I jumped up and almost ran to my living room, where my brother was, to tell him what the baby said. Little Chris followed right behind me grinning as I recounted the story. I said, "tell daddy" and sure enough it was no mistake..."Ahbama." lol.
What a day, when my little 2yr old gorgeous, intelligent, caramel brown baby nephew, knows the President-Elect by name. It might seem so insignificant to some, but it is HUGE to me. And who knows what the future holds, what that moment meant, because Christopher might even be President one day. It could happen.
I mean....it literally could happen!
My beautiful 2year old nephews were over for the weekend. They are finally getting their precious baby sounds to sound like English. :)
Christopher, the oldest of the twins, came right over to the table and said, "Ahbama!" Stunned, I said, "Huh?" And he replied and pointed to the bumper sticker, "Ahbama, Ahbama." I jumped up and almost ran to my living room, where my brother was, to tell him what the baby said. Little Chris followed right behind me grinning as I recounted the story. I said, "tell daddy" and sure enough it was no mistake..."Ahbama." lol.
What a day, when my little 2yr old gorgeous, intelligent, caramel brown baby nephew, knows the President-Elect by name. It might seem so insignificant to some, but it is HUGE to me. And who knows what the future holds, what that moment meant, because Christopher might even be President one day. It could happen.
I mean....it literally could happen!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
EGO
Beyonce's cd is just wow. N e way, this song is heaviest in rotation...makes me think of me and bay-B. Ok, so does like all the songs...but whatever. :)
Free (my love affair with words)
I'm a free bird
flying to and fro
through the wind
against the grain
up and down
wings strewn.
I'm a free bird
'needing to go my own way
always with the flock in sight
soaring above
yet close to home
protective
and I don't wanna be caged
I'm a free bird
you can't capture me
I wanna be close to the sun
near to the clouds
free, free, totally free
I'm a free bird
sometimes I hide
away from the world
within my nest
in the trees
free falling almost
never hitting the ground
I'm free like a bird
'can't even catch up with myself
I'd rather take it all in
the music
the beauty
the air breezing through my wings
I'm free like a bird
So free that the tears
simply disappear
I'm going up
dodging the heartaches
the headaches
lack
and want
my creator provides
I'm a free bird
soon as he thinks he got me
I'm gone, beyond reach
so free
just when she figures
she'll get in sync with me
I'm on my way
hiding in the sky
so fly, so free
free bird, free girl...Free me
CBW
11/08
flying to and fro
through the wind
against the grain
up and down
wings strewn.
I'm a free bird
'needing to go my own way
always with the flock in sight
soaring above
yet close to home
protective
and I don't wanna be caged
I'm a free bird
you can't capture me
I wanna be close to the sun
near to the clouds
free, free, totally free
I'm a free bird
sometimes I hide
away from the world
within my nest
in the trees
free falling almost
never hitting the ground
I'm free like a bird
'can't even catch up with myself
I'd rather take it all in
the music
the beauty
the air breezing through my wings
I'm free like a bird
So free that the tears
simply disappear
I'm going up
dodging the heartaches
the headaches
lack
and want
my creator provides
I'm a free bird
soon as he thinks he got me
I'm gone, beyond reach
so free
just when she figures
she'll get in sync with me
I'm on my way
hiding in the sky
so fly, so free
free bird, free girl...Free me
CBW
11/08
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
Hey blogland!!!
So, I'm working hard to get back to my regular blog swing...but it's hard. I am finishing my first semester of law school, and basically my time is not my own.But it's Thanksgiving, and as I have in previous years, I'd like to say what I'm thankful for this year.
Seton Hall Law School has been the biggest blessing of this year, and I am so grateful.As a result I have made some amazing friends, in a short amount of time. I find it pretty incredible because I'm at a stage in life that I feel like my friend roster is pretty complete, but I keep getting blessed with new friends and acquaintances and that is pretty hot.
I am so thankful for my wonderful family...my beautiful children. They are a gift to me, they believe in me and look up to me, and I just adore them. Even when I get fed up, I am enamored with them. They give me something to live for, they push me to show them that WE can be and achieve absolutely anything with the Lord on our side.
I am thankful for my precious nephews, and my darling goddaughters, it always amazes me how I can love children that I didn't carry so powerfully...but I do. I am grateful for my daddy and my brother, the two men who have exhibited the way a man should love a woman. For my beautiful and inspirational grandmothers and all of my other extended family and friends(especially Mohamed).
For my home, my car, my health, my church....I am grateful.
I really don't take much for granted, I mean all the way to my furniture...I am so thankful.
I am grateful for the man in my life. Bay-b, as I affectionately refer to him, is everything that I've imagined and hoped for. He is physically beautiful, his smile is amazing. His dimples, his teeth, his eyes, his physique...beautiful. And yet, all the aesthetics are a bonus. Because he is a man who loves God, he challenges me...he literally pushes me to be who I'm supposed to be, and who he sees me as. He is intelligent, and articulate. He reads extensively and writes creatively. He is a little gangsta too. I mean, he has that street credibility that used to be a real liability, but now seems to just round him out as a person. You know? We are physically apart for a season...and it is very difficult at times.But I'm just overwhelmingly grateful that God loves me enough to cross my path with his.
I am grateful for the Lord, and His love, kindness, mercy, and favor. I can't breathe without Him.
And of course, I'm thankful for a place to blog!!! :)
HAPPY THANXGIVING!!
So, I'm working hard to get back to my regular blog swing...but it's hard. I am finishing my first semester of law school, and basically my time is not my own.But it's Thanksgiving, and as I have in previous years, I'd like to say what I'm thankful for this year.
Seton Hall Law School has been the biggest blessing of this year, and I am so grateful.As a result I have made some amazing friends, in a short amount of time. I find it pretty incredible because I'm at a stage in life that I feel like my friend roster is pretty complete, but I keep getting blessed with new friends and acquaintances and that is pretty hot.
I am so thankful for my wonderful family...my beautiful children. They are a gift to me, they believe in me and look up to me, and I just adore them. Even when I get fed up, I am enamored with them. They give me something to live for, they push me to show them that WE can be and achieve absolutely anything with the Lord on our side.
I am thankful for my precious nephews, and my darling goddaughters, it always amazes me how I can love children that I didn't carry so powerfully...but I do. I am grateful for my daddy and my brother, the two men who have exhibited the way a man should love a woman. For my beautiful and inspirational grandmothers and all of my other extended family and friends(especially Mohamed).
For my home, my car, my health, my church....I am grateful.
I really don't take much for granted, I mean all the way to my furniture...I am so thankful.
I am grateful for the man in my life. Bay-b, as I affectionately refer to him, is everything that I've imagined and hoped for. He is physically beautiful, his smile is amazing. His dimples, his teeth, his eyes, his physique...beautiful. And yet, all the aesthetics are a bonus. Because he is a man who loves God, he challenges me...he literally pushes me to be who I'm supposed to be, and who he sees me as. He is intelligent, and articulate. He reads extensively and writes creatively. He is a little gangsta too. I mean, he has that street credibility that used to be a real liability, but now seems to just round him out as a person. You know? We are physically apart for a season...and it is very difficult at times.But I'm just overwhelmingly grateful that God loves me enough to cross my path with his.
I am grateful for the Lord, and His love, kindness, mercy, and favor. I can't breathe without Him.
And of course, I'm thankful for a place to blog!!! :)
HAPPY THANXGIVING!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Guess who's back...lmbo. Yeah it's me
Just a short blurb...
Oscar Wilde, an Irish playwright and poet from the 1800s, said, "Life imitates art, far more than art imitates life." That quote popped into my head a few minutes ago when I was in my kitchen making a cup of hot chocolate, but in the reverse. Where does art come from?? Where do romance movies and soap operas come from? Life. I mean, life often stretched to the extreme...but life nevertheless.
Life is a gift, everything about it. From the rainy days, to the walks on the beach and the dinners with the fam. From the baby mama drama, to baby's births and graduations...from the days of sorrow to the days of the greatest joys. It is a gift.
Just like everything else that's worth anything, we have a choice....to live it, love it, appreciate it...or take it for granted.
I choose to love what i've been blessed with, to aim to improve the things that are lacking, and to be grateful for the rest.
Oscar Wilde, an Irish playwright and poet from the 1800s, said, "Life imitates art, far more than art imitates life." That quote popped into my head a few minutes ago when I was in my kitchen making a cup of hot chocolate, but in the reverse. Where does art come from?? Where do romance movies and soap operas come from? Life. I mean, life often stretched to the extreme...but life nevertheless.
Life is a gift, everything about it. From the rainy days, to the walks on the beach and the dinners with the fam. From the baby mama drama, to baby's births and graduations...from the days of sorrow to the days of the greatest joys. It is a gift.
Just like everything else that's worth anything, we have a choice....to live it, love it, appreciate it...or take it for granted.
I choose to love what i've been blessed with, to aim to improve the things that are lacking, and to be grateful for the rest.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My so called life...current thoughts and ramblings
9/22/08
I was sittin on the train and I realized that my abs were hurting. I was evaluating everything I did over the weekend...and well I did a lot of dancing, I've avoided the gym, and any other activity couldn't have resulted in the pain I was feeling. Then after talking to a friend I remembered that I had been dry heaving all Sunday morning...a result of 2 long island ice teas...on an empty stomach Saturday nite.
I was sittin on the train and I realized that my abs were hurting. I was evaluating everything I did over the weekend...and well I did a lot of dancing, I've avoided the gym, and any other activity couldn't have resulted in the pain I was feeling. Then after talking to a friend I remembered that I had been dry heaving all Sunday morning...a result of 2 long island ice teas...on an empty stomach Saturday nite.
I feel like I felt the first day after my butts and guts class at the gym....sheesh.
but even tho I had fun on Saturday, I remembered real quick why I don't drink.
So my current situation is good. I mean, it's been quite a while since I've blogged but I been feeling the calling again. So here goes nothing. Again. lol. But let me update you.
I am currently attending SHU Law, which has got to be one of the most significant additions to my life. I have homework every minute...and I still manage to procrastinate a little. Which I hate, but I'm getting better. I've made some wonderful friends over this summer, and I NEVER could've imagined it. I LOVE them!!! They know who they are *waving*....Hi guys!!
I mean, God knew exactly where I needed to be, and who I needed to meet.
Monday, June 02, 2008
God vs. Man
As I grow I learn to desire the esteem of people less and less. And that isn't just the "Christian" thing to say. I mean, without even knowing it, I lived so much of my 20 something years trying to make sure that people approved of me. Well, that they thought well of me, at least. Of course there were some I didn't care about, but there were many that I did. BUT, I'm so tired of trying to please people. I'm making the effort to do what I do for the pleasure of God and Him alone. I find myself in dangerous territory when people's opinions and thoughts weigh too heavily on my mind; and I'm learning to be more quiet, "slow to speak, quick to listen." I've always wanted to share my dreams and hopes with everyone, but time and life and growing in Christ has shown me that many of those things closest to my heart ought to be kept between God and I... and perhaps a VERY, selected few.
I don't talk too much about law school, because it is not about me. At one time, if I woulda got in, whenn I wanted to...I woulda took the credit. I woulda tooted my own horn and said, yeah well, I,I I....but today, all I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is that this opportunity is all about pushing me in the direction that GOD wants me to go in, so that I will be better able to serve in Him, and to advocate for those who don't have a voice...
God has used the selected few in my life to reflect His view of me. People who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, and love me as I am. They challenge me to be better, and make me want to invest time in becoming the woman God intends for me to become. They really are the only PEOPLE whose opinion carries weight to me. And so, Instead of focusing so much on what people think, I've decided to focus on what God thinks. I already know that people are always gon' talk...but, I'm too busy using my time, gifts and talents for the Lord, serving Him, and loving others, and leanig on God when I don't know what else to do. It don't matter so much what people think, all that matters is God being pleased.
I don't talk too much about law school, because it is not about me. At one time, if I woulda got in, whenn I wanted to...I woulda took the credit. I woulda tooted my own horn and said, yeah well, I,I I....but today, all I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is that this opportunity is all about pushing me in the direction that GOD wants me to go in, so that I will be better able to serve in Him, and to advocate for those who don't have a voice...
God has used the selected few in my life to reflect His view of me. People who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, and love me as I am. They challenge me to be better, and make me want to invest time in becoming the woman God intends for me to become. They really are the only PEOPLE whose opinion carries weight to me. And so, Instead of focusing so much on what people think, I've decided to focus on what God thinks. I already know that people are always gon' talk...but, I'm too busy using my time, gifts and talents for the Lord, serving Him, and loving others, and leanig on God when I don't know what else to do. It don't matter so much what people think, all that matters is God being pleased.
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