As I grow I learn to desire the esteem of people less and less. And that isn't just the "Christian" thing to say. I mean, without even knowing it, I lived so much of my 20 something years trying to make sure that people approved of me. Well, that they thought well of me, at least. Of course there were some I didn't care about, but there were many that I did. BUT, I'm so tired of trying to please people. I'm making the effort to do what I do for the pleasure of God and Him alone. I find myself in dangerous territory when people's opinions and thoughts weigh too heavily on my mind; and I'm learning to be more quiet, "slow to speak, quick to listen." I've always wanted to share my dreams and hopes with everyone, but time and life and growing in Christ has shown me that many of those things closest to my heart ought to be kept between God and I... and perhaps a VERY, selected few.
I don't talk too much about law school, because it is not about me. At one time, if I woulda got in, whenn I wanted to...I woulda took the credit. I woulda tooted my own horn and said, yeah well, I,I I....but today, all I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is that this opportunity is all about pushing me in the direction that GOD wants me to go in, so that I will be better able to serve in Him, and to advocate for those who don't have a voice...
God has used the selected few in my life to reflect His view of me. People who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, and love me as I am. They challenge me to be better, and make me want to invest time in becoming the woman God intends for me to become. They really are the only PEOPLE whose opinion carries weight to me. And so, Instead of focusing so much on what people think, I've decided to focus on what God thinks. I already know that people are always gon' talk...but, I'm too busy using my time, gifts and talents for the Lord, serving Him, and loving others, and leanig on God when I don't know what else to do. It don't matter so much what people think, all that matters is God being pleased.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
In a SOLDIER'S own words
I will NEVER understand how Bush, McCain, or Anyone can IGNORE the REAL cost of this war, and justify us continuing to fight idealogies that can't be killed, defeated nor overcome with bullets or bombs...Can u help me understand?? After reading this soldiers account on Time.com, I am just at a loss...
By LIEUT. SEAN WALSH
The passing of the 4,000th service member in Iraq is a tragic milestone and a testament to the cost of this war, but for those of us who live and fight in Iraq, we measure that cost in smaller, but much more personal numbers. For me those numbers are 8, the number of friends and classmates killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and 3, the number of soldiers from my unit killed in this deployment. I'm 25, yet I've received more notifications for funerals than invitations to weddings.
The number 4,000 is too great to grasp even for us that are here in Iraq. When we soldiers read the newspaper, the latest AP casualty figures are glanced over with the same casual interest as a box score for a sport you don't follow. I am certain that I am not alone when I open up the Stars and Stripes, the military's daily paper, and immediately search for the section with the names of the fallen to see if they include anyone I know. While in a combat outpost in southwest Baghdad, it was in that distinctive bold Ariel print in a two-week-old copy of the Stars and Stripes that I read that my best friend had been killed in Afghanistan. No phone call from a mutual friend or a visit to his family. All that had come and gone by the time I had learned about his death. I sometimes wonder, if I hadn't picked up that paper, how much longer I would have gone by without knowing - perhaps another day, perhaps a week or longer until I could find the time and the means to check my e-mail to find my messages unanswered and a death notification from a West Point distro list in my inbox. The dead in Afghanistan don't seem to inspire the keeping of lists the same way that those in Iraq do, but even if they did it wouldn't matter; he could only be number 7 to me.
I'm not asking for pity, only understanding for the cost of this war. We did, after all, volunteer for the Army and that is the key distinction between this army and the army of the Vietnam War. But even as I ask for that understanding I'm almost certain that you won't be able to obtain it. Even Shakespeare, with his now overused notion of soldiers as a "band of brothers" fails to capture the bonds, the sense of responsibility to each other, among soldiers. In many ways, Iraq has become my home (by the time my deployment ends I will have spent more time here than anywhere else in the army) and the soldiers I share that home with have become my family. Between working, eating and sleeping within a few feet of the same soldiers every single day, I doubt I am away from them for more than two hours a day. I'm engaged to the love of my life, but it will take several years of marriage before I've spent as much time with her as I have with the men I serve with today.
For the vast majority of American's who don't have a loved one overseas, the only number they have to attempt to grasp the Iraq War is 4,000. I would ask that when you see that number, try to remember that it is made up of over 1 million smaller numbers; that every one of the 1 million service members who have fought in Iraq has his or her own personal numbers. Over 1 million 8's and 3's. When you are evaluating the price of the war, weighing potential rewards versus cost in blood and treasure, I would ask you to consider what is worth the lives of three of your loved ones? Or eight? Or more? It would be a tragedy for my 8 and 3 to have died without us being able to complete our mission, but it maybe even more tragic for 8 and 3 to become anything higher.
View this article on Time.com
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Obama Drama
Why can't folx just leave this man alone?? I mean, it's ridiculous that America wants him to pick whether he is a Black man or just a mulatto presidental candidate. It downright ticks me off...
Doesn't he deserve to be proud of his black heritage???
No, because it is too risky. I am proud of Obama because he has remained amazingly neutral when it comes to the issue of race, and honestly...I believe it is to Black America's advantage.
His pastor, or spiritual advisor or whatever, shouldn't have opened his mouth. Although the preacher Jeremiah Wright, expressed some opinions that are shared by a number of Black Americans.
White America wants to say that because of Barak's long standing relationship with this man, that he has the same extreme opinions.
Part of me wants to say if so, so what!?! McCain was quoted saying something like, he doesn't care if we stay in Iraq for another 100 years. HELLO!!!! Does no one see the problem with this extreme thinking???
Apparently, Pastor Wright has expressed views that claim that the government "lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color." He has supposedly also preached other radical "racial" politics. But what is America afraid of??? The truth? (I'm not saying I believe this claim, but who knows...)
Barak is not allowed to be a black man, because America doesn't want a black man in the office.
As long as he is a watered down version of a black man it MIGHT be okay. As soon as it seems like he may be an actual advocate for Black America...he's an extremist. Are you kidding me??
I'm happy that he is doing what he has to do to move forward and win this election, BUT the preacher was right when he said, "Barack knows what it means to be a black man living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain't never been called a Ni****." I mean it's true isn't it??
I mean really, can Barak Obama LIVE?? America just shows it hasn't changed. People are entitled to free speech and their own opinions...right? Unless they are people of color. Humph, and I don't believe that because that Preacher said the things he has said that Obama should be attacked. DANG! I also believe that a person who is well aquainted with the hardship of being Black in America is a prime choice to bring healing and unity across racial, economic and religious barriers. Doesn't everyone want that? I would hope so.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
World Wide...what?!?!
The Internet is a peculiar thing. The idea of privacy is so elusive anymore. Even on websites that claim to give you privacy...it's always questionable. And I, I am okay with sharing most of my business on this blog,and occasionally on my myspace or facebook. Every now and again, however, it comes back to haunt me. For instance, this man immed me out of nowhere, attempting to strike up a conversation with me about something that had happened in my marriage???? I was thinking,do I know you?? I didn't know him. Turns out, I had alluded to domestic abuse in a previous blog and he started talking to me about that. It was a strange...and it continues to happen, I'll mention something to a friend or an acquaintance and they'll say, oh yeah I read that on your blog. *strange*
Well,it seems my current beau's ex has discovered me...or at least she's hot on my trail. I found it funny, kinda.
I mean...I have always known that there are people who read my blogs or check my myspace while lurking behind the anonymity of the WWW. Never making comments,only making mental notes.
I never really minded it because,who cares...and I don't have anything to hide,and well it is exactly what it is. But every now and again, I get fed up. I wanna just sign off...forever. Then I realize there is no way I can just escape back into the dark ages of Internet-less living.
:) Yeah that's it.But is it too late??? I don't wanna erase my blog, I feel way too invested,too many nights of blogging. Well...that and my ex husband so kindly told me that if you put my whole name in Google you get "madd" hits with "all" my information.humph! It might just be too late...
There's no hiding is there??
So I might as well wave to my net-stalkers. ***feverishly waving***
Well,it seems my current beau's ex has discovered me...or at least she's hot on my trail. I found it funny, kinda.
I mean...I have always known that there are people who read my blogs or check my myspace while lurking behind the anonymity of the WWW. Never making comments,only making mental notes.
I never really minded it because,who cares...and I don't have anything to hide,and well it is exactly what it is. But every now and again, I get fed up. I wanna just sign off...forever. Then I realize there is no way I can just escape back into the dark ages of Internet-less living.
So what do I do???
Find a happy medium between total web-transparency and the former.
:) Yeah that's it.But is it too late??? I don't wanna erase my blog, I feel way too invested,too many nights of blogging. Well...that and my ex husband so kindly told me that if you put my whole name in Google you get "madd" hits with "all" my information.humph! It might just be too late...
There's no hiding is there??
So I might as well wave to my net-stalkers. ***feverishly waving***
May God BLESS your ministry! (lol)
caio
Monday, February 11, 2008
Slow Dance Anyone???
Tonite I wanna dance!
Can we wait just a minute
Slow it down for a minute now baby
Your talkin loud
Your wilding out
Don't seem like my old lady
Lets go and play the song we used to play
Can we reignite the flame
Cause things just ain't the same
We can talk about the baby
We can talk until we're crazy
We can focus on it now
Or we can focus on it later
We can start another fight
We can argue and fuss all night
But I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
And let the music make you move
Move yea
Can we wait just a minute
Turn that tv off for a minute
Now politics and talkin ish aint really none of my business
Let’s go and play the songs we used to play
On that old school radio
Let the music soothe your soul
Forget about the world
Im groovin with my girl
Forget about the news
Lets step on our dancin’ shoes
Lets not talk about the war
Don’t know what they fightin’ for
I propose that we go to the floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
Let the music make you move
Move yea yea
Move yea yea
I love it
I love it
I love it we're slow dancin together
I love it
(repeat)
I love it I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with your man, yea
Tonight I wanna groove
Can we wait just a minute
Slow it down for a minute now baby
Your talkin loud
Your wilding out
Don't seem like my old lady
Lets go and play the song we used to play
Can we reignite the flame
Cause things just ain't the same
We can talk about the baby
We can talk until we're crazy
We can focus on it now
Or we can focus on it later
We can start another fight
We can argue and fuss all night
But I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
And let the music make you move
Move yea
Can we wait just a minute
Turn that tv off for a minute
Now politics and talkin ish aint really none of my business
Let’s go and play the songs we used to play
On that old school radio
Let the music soothe your soul
Forget about the world
Im groovin with my girl
Forget about the news
Lets step on our dancin’ shoes
Lets not talk about the war
Don’t know what they fightin’ for
I propose that we go to the floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
Let the music make you move
Move yea yea
Move yea yea
I love it
I love it
I love it we're slow dancin together
I love it
(repeat)
I love it I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance
Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with your man, yea
Tonight I wanna groove
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
A good reminder...
I know that I have a gift...writing. I love to do it, I express myself well when I write. I try to talk sometimes and the words run away from me, or get jumbled, but when I write I'm free, empowered. I got my degree in English,'cause it came easy...but when I came across a poem I wrote a year or so ago,I thought...wow, who wrote this?? I finished reading it,saw my initals at the bottom, and smiled! Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot :)
I needed the affirmation of reading it again 'cause I've been struggling with issues of self.
So here it is: it was written to an ex, as I made my exit. :)
u say u love me
but i can't feel it
and when i'm with you
that's all i want...
to feel it
all of it
from my inside out.
sometimes the way you look at me
makes me feel beautiful.
but when you're away
wonder persists
i long for the bliss
of ignorance...
but it evades me
and awareness
destroys.
i've never wanted you
to stay and leave
as badly as this.
i'm enamored with your scent
the way your skin feels
the texture
the color
beautiful
i love you
you're imperfect and i accept it
fallen in love with it
you say you love me
but you don't love me like this
strong and unconditional
lemme teach ur love a thing or two
you say love
i act love
but i'm tired of emptying my soul
loving you...
who use words
with no movement
to love
and i'm tired of believing
those words are the truth
so i have to go now
pack my love and my shoes
wipe up the tears and get one last kiss
you say you love me,
why have I never felt it?
written by CNB
I needed the affirmation of reading it again 'cause I've been struggling with issues of self.
So here it is: it was written to an ex, as I made my exit. :)
u say u love me
but i can't feel it
and when i'm with you
that's all i want...
to feel it
all of it
from my inside out.
sometimes the way you look at me
makes me feel beautiful.
but when you're away
wonder persists
i long for the bliss
of ignorance...
but it evades me
and awareness
destroys.
i've never wanted you
to stay and leave
as badly as this.
i'm enamored with your scent
the way your skin feels
the texture
the color
beautiful
i love you
you're imperfect and i accept it
fallen in love with it
you say you love me
but you don't love me like this
strong and unconditional
lemme teach ur love a thing or two
you say love
i act love
but i'm tired of emptying my soul
loving you...
who use words
with no movement
to love
and i'm tired of believing
those words are the truth
so i have to go now
pack my love and my shoes
wipe up the tears and get one last kiss
you say you love me,
why have I never felt it?
written by CNB
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Current Ramblings...
SO...
I am happy to say that in August 2008 I will be a LAW SCHOOL student!!!!!
YES, I got in. :)
Um..let's see, what else?
Everything is good. I bought a humungous television...i mean, i ain't never seen a tv THIS big...lol. It'z like having a movie theatre in my family room. I'm not even a tv watcher, but DANG! I wanted a 32", I ended up with a 53" surround sound, HDTV.
Ok, what else??? I am going to a Youth Conference this weekend. I am excited. God really put it on my heart to take the kids from my church, and with no money available at first...I was able to buy 28 tix at over 55 bux each!!! We recieved donations and partial payments all in about 3weeks. God is good! So I'm excited, I get to go away 4 the weekend!!! yippie!
Um, I'm working on a few other things...and I'm taking a HUGE trip in April. But all that stuff is under wraps, maybe we'll discuss more about it all later.
I watched "waiting to exhale" friday nite. It was better than I remember, and I LOVED it. It reminded me of so much, my mom, my teens, my present...lol, my girls, my love life!!! OOOH honey chile...that movie is on my top 10. But that soundtrack...WHAT??!!!???lol
I got some bomb girlfriends btw. I mean, I just love my girls. They make me smile, they make me wanna just sit around and laugh, and talk, and shop...lol. I love them so much, I'm so glad to have them.
Oh and I have big plans for Valentine's Day!!! I'll be back to share...
Thanx for reading my rant, I needed that.
I am happy to say that in August 2008 I will be a LAW SCHOOL student!!!!!
YES, I got in. :)
Um..let's see, what else?
Everything is good. I bought a humungous television...i mean, i ain't never seen a tv THIS big...lol. It'z like having a movie theatre in my family room. I'm not even a tv watcher, but DANG! I wanted a 32", I ended up with a 53" surround sound, HDTV.
Ok, what else??? I am going to a Youth Conference this weekend. I am excited. God really put it on my heart to take the kids from my church, and with no money available at first...I was able to buy 28 tix at over 55 bux each!!! We recieved donations and partial payments all in about 3weeks. God is good! So I'm excited, I get to go away 4 the weekend!!! yippie!
Um, I'm working on a few other things...and I'm taking a HUGE trip in April. But all that stuff is under wraps, maybe we'll discuss more about it all later.
I watched "waiting to exhale" friday nite. It was better than I remember, and I LOVED it. It reminded me of so much, my mom, my teens, my present...lol, my girls, my love life!!! OOOH honey chile...that movie is on my top 10. But that soundtrack...WHAT??!!!???lol
I got some bomb girlfriends btw. I mean, I just love my girls. They make me smile, they make me wanna just sit around and laugh, and talk, and shop...lol. I love them so much, I'm so glad to have them.
Oh and I have big plans for Valentine's Day!!! I'll be back to share...
Thanx for reading my rant, I needed that.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
beauty
I was feeling inspired...so I just started writing about someone who is a beautiful person physically, mentally, spiritually, and all around. I mean we are all imperfect, but I'm not sure that I've ever taken the opportunity to let him know just how BEAUTIFUL I think he is....So, B-hump
******************************************************
I never told you that I think you're beautiful have I?
I know that I haven't because ironically, as much as I need you to tell me...
I struggle telling you. But when I see you, I smile.
You are like the heavens kinda, the way they make me marvel...
I look at them trying to find a word to describe
the way they make me feel, the awe I feel inside
but nothing comes to mind
but do you know that I think you're beautiful?
funny cause, I know you didn't expect that word.
I mean, there are others maybe more fitting
not to me tho, cause all that you are
all that you invoke
all that I see is beauty.
~CNB
******************************************************
I never told you that I think you're beautiful have I?
I know that I haven't because ironically, as much as I need you to tell me...
I struggle telling you. But when I see you, I smile.
You are like the heavens kinda, the way they make me marvel...
I look at them trying to find a word to describe
the way they make me feel, the awe I feel inside
but nothing comes to mind
but do you know that I think you're beautiful?
funny cause, I know you didn't expect that word.
I mean, there are others maybe more fitting
not to me tho, cause all that you are
all that you invoke
all that I see is beauty.
~CNB
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy 2008
I was stressing being consistent. I just am incapable of that right now. Things are psychotic in my life...I mean in terms of my schedule. Not to mention that EVERY pc and laptop in my house chose the last two months to crash. Picture that. This has kept me off blogspot, not to mention the kids, and work, and school apps, and work, and movies, and catching up on elusive sleep, and work, and church, and bible study, and family and friends and loved ones, and shopping
(CAN NOT 4get shopping!)
So, my blogging suffers a bit. I'm taking a few days off my night job.
I'm trying to get my New Year's cleaning finished. O speaking of wish...
Happy New Year (2008)!!!
:)
Yea, but got a lot to do. My Christmas was SO blessed. The kids got spoiled. It was a bit ridiculous, but we really talked about the REAL meaning of Christmas...and altho they got a lot they really were very grateful and thankful to Jesus.
Oh about the best gift I received, it was a bag full of hand written/drawn Christmas cards from my kids...telling me how much they "LOVE" me and how they will NEVER "let" me "out of" their "heart(s)" Isn't that precious???
Anyway, I'll keep you posted.
Oh, by the way...
I Love the song "Clumsy", have you heard it?? I will post about that more later.
talk 2 you soon!!
(CAN NOT 4get shopping!)
So, my blogging suffers a bit. I'm taking a few days off my night job.
I'm trying to get my New Year's cleaning finished. O speaking of wish...
Happy New Year (2008)!!!
:)
Yea, but got a lot to do. My Christmas was SO blessed. The kids got spoiled. It was a bit ridiculous, but we really talked about the REAL meaning of Christmas...and altho they got a lot they really were very grateful and thankful to Jesus.
Oh about the best gift I received, it was a bag full of hand written/drawn Christmas cards from my kids...telling me how much they "LOVE" me and how they will NEVER "let" me "out of" their "heart(s)" Isn't that precious???
Anyway, I'll keep you posted.
Oh, by the way...
I Love the song "Clumsy", have you heard it?? I will post about that more later.
talk 2 you soon!!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Trying Again....
First let me say...the dumb anonymous commenter from my previous post was my very precious little brother. Isn't he wonderful???? (Can u sense the sarcasm???)
Ok, so I'm back, trying blogspot again, altho I don't know for how long.I tried a new blog site...but I just couldn't get with it. I tried blogging on myspace, but that was getting too personal or something. Which is funny, since I'm always getting personal.
My ex-husband's girlfriend seemed to be targeting me with random comments and messages. I was just tired of that whole scene.
Don't get me wrong, grown and all...I still myspace. :)
I remember being so excited as 2006 came to an end. My 2006 was ROUGH!!! And 2007 has proved to be such a better year. I have gotten better, grown, I mean I have been through some things and lost a best friend...but overall, it was just a better year. So once again I'm looking forward to another year. I am anticipating bigger and better...I look forward to returning to school, advancing in my career pursuits, being a better and better mommy, sister, daughter, mentor, cousin, companion and friend....all that, I just am happy about this time of year and the approaching new year.
Good stuff!
Ok, so I'm back, trying blogspot again, altho I don't know for how long.I tried a new blog site...but I just couldn't get with it. I tried blogging on myspace, but that was getting too personal or something. Which is funny, since I'm always getting personal.
My ex-husband's girlfriend seemed to be targeting me with random comments and messages. I was just tired of that whole scene.
Don't get me wrong, grown and all...I still myspace. :)
I remember being so excited as 2006 came to an end. My 2006 was ROUGH!!! And 2007 has proved to be such a better year. I have gotten better, grown, I mean I have been through some things and lost a best friend...but overall, it was just a better year. So once again I'm looking forward to another year. I am anticipating bigger and better...I look forward to returning to school, advancing in my career pursuits, being a better and better mommy, sister, daughter, mentor, cousin, companion and friend....all that, I just am happy about this time of year and the approaching new year.
Good stuff!
So, what is the worst, strangest or best Christmas gift you've ever given or recieved????
Do tell...I wanna know. Let me brainstorm, I'll be back with my answer to that question.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
what to do??
my blog has grown wack....
time to retool...rethink.
maybe start from fresh????
I need to kick around a few ideas.
I have new inspiration....and here at blogspot
I can't help but look back...so what's a girl to do?
Any suggestions?
time to retool...rethink.
maybe start from fresh????
I need to kick around a few ideas.
I have new inspiration....and here at blogspot
I can't help but look back...so what's a girl to do?
Any suggestions?
Thursday, September 27, 2007
where my girlz at???
Can't u just hear that song..."where my girlz at, from the front to back..."
who sang that??? i keep thinking that group 702..is that right?
anyway...I just decided to go on a trip to see the Color Purple.
but, I had to run through my mind to figure out what girl i'm gon' take with me.
Usually, One friend pops to mind...but lately she hasn't called or returned any of my calls...hmm, my other girls for one reason or another might not work.
And my closest friend/cousin lives in washington state.
Now can u see why I'm asking, where my girlz at???
Lately, it's been a bunch of shopping trips, and nail salon visits with me, myself, and I. I ain't mad at it either, but I'm not tryna go on this bus trip...with them three...and no one else. 'Cause I'ma talk to myself, the folx on the bus is gon' think I'm crazy..lol.
I mean and then there is free time to shop, and shopping alone at home is one thing...but shopping in NY??? Without my girlz???
man, what?
I'm bout to go home and brainstorm, cause I wanna know...
"Where my girls at???"
who sang that??? i keep thinking that group 702..is that right?
anyway...I just decided to go on a trip to see the Color Purple.
but, I had to run through my mind to figure out what girl i'm gon' take with me.
Usually, One friend pops to mind...but lately she hasn't called or returned any of my calls...hmm, my other girls for one reason or another might not work.
And my closest friend/cousin lives in washington state.
Now can u see why I'm asking, where my girlz at???
Lately, it's been a bunch of shopping trips, and nail salon visits with me, myself, and I. I ain't mad at it either, but I'm not tryna go on this bus trip...with them three...and no one else. 'Cause I'ma talk to myself, the folx on the bus is gon' think I'm crazy..lol.
I mean and then there is free time to shop, and shopping alone at home is one thing...but shopping in NY??? Without my girlz???
man, what?
I'm bout to go home and brainstorm, cause I wanna know...
"Where my girls at???"
Friday, September 14, 2007
I count it a privilege!
One thing that I have noticed is that people, who for one reason or another have come into my life...share their problems with me.
I often get phone calls, emails, and the like from friends and associates who just want to vent.
I just want to say that I count it a privilege to be considered the type of person to listen, to care, to encourage, to assist (if possible), to pray.
I truly get an overwhelming feeling inside...It's difficult to articulate.
I have shared many tear filled heart to hearts...and I am just grateful, to have the opportunity to share in so many people's innermost thoughts, and emotions, and hurts...that's pretty amazing.
I often get phone calls, emails, and the like from friends and associates who just want to vent.
I just want to say that I count it a privilege to be considered the type of person to listen, to care, to encourage, to assist (if possible), to pray.
I truly get an overwhelming feeling inside...It's difficult to articulate.
I have shared many tear filled heart to hearts...and I am just grateful, to have the opportunity to share in so many people's innermost thoughts, and emotions, and hurts...that's pretty amazing.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
i'm blessed
i just am, and i just wanna share my testimony....which is simply that i have so many reasons to smile. :)so, i just choose to focus on those things. :)
thank u GOD!!! for my many blessings, and your kindness, mercy, favor, and provision.
i'm off to the beach for a few days tommorow.my fam got a spot for the week and the kids and i are going to hang out. i look forward to sitting on the beach with my book. just chillin, happy...just me and the kiddies.
my birthday is coming up and that is a blessing.
my birthday party is coming too and all i can think about is how am i gonna do the cupid shuffle in these 3 1/2 inch rocawear wedges i spotted this weekend...lmbo. u can't be cute, breaking your neck.
school is quickly approaching. i'm happy the little ones will be off to school all day again (big grin) i trust God to protect and keep them and give them favor.
i'm a little stressed about trying to get school clothes, shoes, underwear....so on.
thankfully...the book bags, lunch boxes and supplies are done with!!! now this, b4 long...Christmas!!! :) I'm not fretting, I will start Christmas the first pay in October. :) Bless God!!! :)
anyway, i'm happy and blessed...there is plenty of opportunity to worry and fret myself over the little things, but God hasn't failed me yet...even when i thought He was failing...He had it all under control. i think He's got this.u b blessed too!!!
thank u GOD!!! for my many blessings, and your kindness, mercy, favor, and provision.
i'm off to the beach for a few days tommorow.my fam got a spot for the week and the kids and i are going to hang out. i look forward to sitting on the beach with my book. just chillin, happy...just me and the kiddies.
my birthday is coming up and that is a blessing.
my birthday party is coming too and all i can think about is how am i gonna do the cupid shuffle in these 3 1/2 inch rocawear wedges i spotted this weekend...lmbo. u can't be cute, breaking your neck.
school is quickly approaching. i'm happy the little ones will be off to school all day again (big grin) i trust God to protect and keep them and give them favor.
i'm a little stressed about trying to get school clothes, shoes, underwear....so on.
thankfully...the book bags, lunch boxes and supplies are done with!!! now this, b4 long...Christmas!!! :) I'm not fretting, I will start Christmas the first pay in October. :) Bless God!!! :)
anyway, i'm happy and blessed...there is plenty of opportunity to worry and fret myself over the little things, but God hasn't failed me yet...even when i thought He was failing...He had it all under control. i think He's got this.u b blessed too!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
READY
i know i'm on a video kick...bare with me. it might wear off. but if a picture is worth a thousand words...a video has gotta be worth like a million or two. lmbo
I AM
I AM
BeAuTiFuL sOuL
I was reading consistently inconsistent's page
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.
But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.
I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.
What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.
With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.
But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.
I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.
What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.
With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
today, is the day she died
August 19, 1996
i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.
it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?
my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"
the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.
i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.
it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?
my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"
the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.
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