what to do??

my blog has grown wack....
time to retool...rethink.
maybe start from fresh????

I need to kick around a few ideas.
I have new inspiration....and here at blogspot
I can't help but look back...so what's a girl to do?

Any suggestions?

where my girlz at???

Can't u just hear that song..."where my girlz at, from the front to back..."
who sang that??? i keep thinking that group 702..is that right?
anyway...I just decided to go on a trip to see the Color Purple.
but, I had to run through my mind to figure out what girl i'm gon' take with me.
Usually, One friend pops to mind...but lately she hasn't called or returned any of my calls...hmm, my other girls for one reason or another might not work.
And my closest friend/cousin lives in washington state.
Now can u see why I'm asking, where my girlz at???
Lately, it's been a bunch of shopping trips, and nail salon visits with me, myself, and I. I ain't mad at it either, but I'm not tryna go on this bus trip...with them three...and no one else. 'Cause I'ma talk to myself, the folx on the bus is gon' think I'm crazy..lol.
I mean and then there is free time to shop, and shopping alone at home is one thing...but shopping in NY??? Without my girlz???
man, what?
I'm bout to go home and brainstorm, cause I wanna know...
"Where my girls at???"

I count it a privilege!

One thing that I have noticed is that people, who for one reason or another have come into my life...share their problems with me.
I often get phone calls, emails, and the like from friends and associates who just want to vent.

I just want to say that I count it a privilege to be considered the type of person to listen, to care, to encourage, to assist (if possible), to pray.
I truly get an overwhelming feeling inside...It's difficult to articulate.
I have shared many tear filled heart to hearts...and I am just grateful, to have the opportunity to share in so many people's innermost thoughts, and emotions, and hurts...that's pretty amazing.

so blogworthy!!!

i'm blessed

i just am, and i just wanna share my testimony....which is simply that i have so many reasons to smile. :)so, i just choose to focus on those things. :)
thank u GOD!!! for my many blessings, and your kindness, mercy, favor, and provision.

i'm off to the beach for a few days tommorow.my fam got a spot for the week and the kids and i are going to hang out. i look forward to sitting on the beach with my book. just chillin, happy...just me and the kiddies.

my birthday is coming up and that is a blessing.
my birthday party is coming too and all i can think about is how am i gonna do the cupid shuffle in these 3 1/2 inch rocawear wedges i spotted this weekend...lmbo. u can't be cute, breaking your neck.

school is quickly approaching. i'm happy the little ones will be off to school all day again (big grin) i trust God to protect and keep them and give them favor.
i'm a little stressed about trying to get school clothes, shoes, underwear....so on.
thankfully...the book bags, lunch boxes and supplies are done with!!! now this, b4 long...Christmas!!! :) I'm not fretting, I will start Christmas the first pay in October. :) Bless God!!! :)

anyway, i'm happy and blessed...there is plenty of opportunity to worry and fret myself over the little things, but God hasn't failed me yet...even when i thought He was failing...He had it all under control. i think He's got this.u b blessed too!!!

READY

i know i'm on a video kick...bare with me. it might wear off. but if a picture is worth a thousand words...a video has gotta be worth like a million or two. lmbo



I AM

BeAuTiFuL sOuL

I was reading consistently inconsistent's page
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.

But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.

I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.

What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.

With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.

today, is the day she died

August 19, 1996

i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.

it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?

my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"

the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.

to respond or not to respond

i have this person...around my cypher (if u will) who has tried since her debut to push me to some sort of response. at times, i have responded, but here lately i have made the effort to relax...not let them see me sweat.
the internet is her prime weapon...here and there i have seen some things and come across some words that were dropped off ...just for my "benefit."
Words intended to hurt, to cause stress and concern...hmmm,
and done all in the name of the LORD.
so instead of responding to her, like i contemplated, i've decided to write about it here.

the last thing i saw from her was actually very predictable.
she might be surprised to know that i am not hurt, and that the only response i feel is that she is so childish, and sad, and making herself look foolish.
if i could speak to her directly i'd say...

ur continous attempts to "let me know something" have only given me peace.
it is sad, that u feel like u have something to prove and that u have to FIGHT
for something i let go of years ago. nothing has changed with that person, or that situation...if u desire that for your life,good. this is ur life, not mine. so live it, and leave me out of it.
i am blessed, highly favored, and not the the least bit interested in what u do with your life. however, u seem to be extremely desperate, and insecure.u seem obsessed with me, and have interrupted my life as u are actively destroying innocent little people's lives. now i wanna know, how can any woman...let alone a woman of GOD live with that???hmmm...
i hope one day you can be secure in your womanhood, your relationship with God, and in your personal relationship.i have found that when truly content, i have nothing to prove to anyone.

anyway, i'm happy that i got that off my chest.

i'll b blogging again soon readers...i luv ya'll!

Royalty

j, i've let u know, many times b4.
it's been a long time, since i shouted u out.
so this video is to u.


***btw, this isn't MR. 6'5"***


This video makes me hope. :)

ms. chan (ramblings)

hey everyone...
nothing too light hearted to say. altho, i'm not unhappy.
i have a lot going on like always. all weekend i was thinking about what i'd write...but nothing was coming to mind.
but by the way, i prayed for my exes mother. mostly because i just dealt with a death and i didn't want to deal with another so soon...selfish?? i know it sounds like it, but i really didn't want my children to have to face that just yet...although timing is far from in my hands. i was just hoping that she would live and not die.
the good news is, she seems to be recovering...the last time i spoke to "him" he told me that she was conscious and talking. God answers prayers.
so i'm happy about that. there is a ton more i can say about that situation, but i won't. what i will say is that, some situations in life are just thorns in your side that won't go any where. so i guess, i'ma just have to live with this thorn.

so, my brother is moving on in his life again. (praise God) kinda anyway. if u know me, u know CJ is my aCE. so...seeing him all hooked up with someone, not having time for me again makes me feel a little tight lipped...lol. On the other hand as long as this girl has his best interest at heart and isn't a freeloader like the last one, i'm happy 4 him.

hahaha...i had a dream that i was at a banquet and everyone i knew was there. including MR.6'5" and i wasn't ready yet. so while everyone was sitting down, i ran upstairs to the bathroom to get dressed. i had the perfect dress and all...
I was standing there in my panties and bra....stepping into my dress, and Mr. 6'5" busted in and I screamed...and then i woke up. PISSED.
can he PLEASE get out of my dreams????
i keep trying to convince myself i'm over it. but i'm sure u guyz know tha deal.
i haven't called tho, and neither has he..and i won't. it's gonna fade...but dang.
i have heard tho, dreams are all that random info and thoughts and emotions LEAVING.
here's to wishful thinkin.

to be honest..i'm having one of those single moments when everyone around me is involved with some one. that's weird...i'm not used to being on THIS side.so last night was lonely.
i talked to God tho, i was like..."lord i know i should b talking to you right now." :)
i do enjoy my life tho.
my friend katrina says i'ma stick in the mud. i used to be "fun"
but i used to be loose...went for anything, uncertain about me. so maybe now...
this me, ain't fun. i hate to think that tho. i laugh a lot. i mean a lot. friday night, i was outside with my friends (like a kid) until almost 2am. we laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves.

i sang at this gospel lounge friday night. it went really well. someone said i reminded them of Lauryn Hill, and that's nice. I just hope she didn't mean Lauryn Hill on crack...or whatever she was on on that last album...uhhh NO!

ok, i'm just about done my ramble mission.

i'm waiting to hear back from law school....oops!
had i mentioned that b4???
oh well...i'm praying and anticipating my acceptance letters.

AND, i have to run because i freelance write for an online magazine,
and i had an article due friday...


it's monday.

get to work ms.chan.

what's going on

so, i have been wanting to write...but just too busy and emotionally overwhelmed to. A very good friend of mine died suddenly. she was 22. so that has been devastating and i'm not to the point yet that i can go into much detail about it.

my ex called to tell me that his mother was on the verge of death, and that i should pray.i felt conflicted about how i felt. i find it just amazing how...he never calls unless it's FOR something. either he wants sex, his family wants to see the kids, he needs to borrow a "ten-spot"...haha...NEVER, hey are you ok? how are the kids? do they need anything? is the child support enough? can i take the boys to baseball practice...lol. NEVER that. but he'll call to ask ME to pray for his mom. i haven't prayed yet.

i will though.

it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.

on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.

i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.

his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.

that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.

i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.

i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....

what's going on with that??? lol

so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.

strawberries and cream

i just ate some strawberries with whipped cream. It was such a pleasing thing to eat...it's fairly healthy, it's pretty to look at, and great tasting...and it just inspired me to write.

eating the strawberries made me focus on how good they were, and just for a second drown out the humming of my dryer, cat in the hat playing in the living room, and the worries running through my mind.

everyone needs a strawberries and cream break sometimes...i should be cooking, or something
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)

flaws and all

i know myself pretty well... sure, i'm learning more everyday, but the years i've spent with me, have afforded me the inside info on just who and how i am.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.

that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)

the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.

there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.

i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.

the other night, i was kicking it with Mr. 6'5", he was sitting and i was laying and he rubbed his hand over my stomach...i winced (that is a problem area) and moved his hand. He asked me, why, and was i insecure...i admitted that i wasn't too fond of that part of my body...and he went on to tell me that i shouldn't feel like that and that i was fine...and all that. Not to say, that he is the one by any means

(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.

and that's pretty kool.

it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!

and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.

4 real tho.

Mr. 6'5..."When I See You"

Ok, so i really like this song.
It just so happens that it makes me think of...Mr. 6 foot 5,smooth bald, caramel complexion.u probably remember me writing about him. i had appoached him a while back, and he told me he was weak in some areas(we r both tryna be good Christians), so i let it go.

or so i thought.

someone asked me to invite him to something, so i called him...for that SOLE purpose, and told him i'd talk to him later. before i hung up, he stopped me to ask how i was....i told him well and got off the phone pretty quickly.
he didn't make it to the thing i invited him out to. so after the weekend passed he called me to explain why he couldn't make it.
i told him, it was no biggie and that i'd talk to him later.
he wasn't trying to let me get off the phone...that conversation ended up lasting 2hrs...within a day or two we had the chance to kick it, in a group,and later one on one. it was instant chemistry.

maybe too much so, so since, we have spoken sparingly.
first of all, we didn't have sex...
but the temptation has got me to the point of RUNNING.
i knew he was potentially dangereous.i know first hand now, so i have to pretty much
STAY AWAY, he warned me...but now i conceed.

it sux, cause i still feel like the FANTASIA song...."When I See You..."
ugh, and even when i don't see him in person, i see him when i close my eyes.
he makes me get butterflies, i feel like a little girl with a crush.

Dear, Mr 6'5,

"Your always on my mind
When you come around I'm shy
When i see you, when i see you
Never no when you might walk by
So I gotta be right on time
When i see you when i see you

I scibble X and O's in my notebook
Checking how my hair and nails look
I feel myself in the zone
I get nervous when you call
So i say im not home
I see your face when i here my Favorite song
Should i Send an email at home
Your the number 1 topic on the phone,
I wonder if you know or do you have a clue

I lay my head on my pillow
You got me staring out the window
Wish on a star for a sign
Whats the reason why Yeah..."

Her First Recital...

It just so happened that the group I sing with had been booked for months to be the "entertainment" for an event on the same day as her recital.
I was determined to do both...I just didn't have it all figured out.
I didn't wanna let my group down, as each of us is essential to the group...besides it was only our 2nd paying gig...and it paid more than the first.
my babygirl...she'd been in african dance and ballet now for several months.
i could tell she was getting bored, and that was upsetting me...because i thought she was so good at it, and i knew beyond this season i couldn't force her to keep dancing.
well she got a ride with her afro/ballet teacher to her recital, and i did my singing thing, and left in enough time that i'd only be about 20 minutes late.

well don't u know, the directions were to the wrong place. i asked everyone within 5 miles of the RIGHT place...and no one knew. Until after an hour of driving around, totally lost..unable to get any info, a man gave me the wrong directions and i said NO! that's wrong...and he said, oh you must mean this other place. ?????
well he told me how to get to the other place. i get there and yes , it's the recital.
by now...i'm devasted. no one was there 4 her, i was breaking my neck to be there...
i got out my car, perspiring, no flowers, disappointed, ready to just pick her up and take her out to make it up to her...
when i walked in, i asked the lady at the door was it over...she said the second half had just begun, i said..."did i miss the little little girls??" and she said, "no, I think they are just now doing afro"...i paid 4 the ticket and ran into a huge crowded theatre....

i saw all these brown little girls in their african tutus and head wraps dancing around....
my heart was racing...i knew it was her class, my eyes scoured the stage...until i saw...
MY BABY!!
she was shaking and dancing and twirling, dipping, and stomping....waving her little arms...
unafraid.
i squealed, "i see her!" and then covered my mouth!!
Then i couldn't do anything but weep. I just cried like...I can't even explain it.
The build up, of trying to get there, getting lost, and then believing i wouldn't see her...and i walked in the door and my baby was shaking just what i gave her to the beat of the drummers.
so i cried.

i missed her do ballet...but i am buying the tape.
i'll post pix as soon as i get them back.

ohhh...btw, she likes dance now (yippie) she understands that all the practice was for a purpose...she likes being a star!!!

and I love seeing her shine!

To The FATHER'S in my Life...

Hey everyone...I been missing u all so much. I have grown so, over the past years I've been blogging. It is so awesome to read back and see...where I've been, and where I'm going!
So, I used to fret over this blog...was I posting enuf? Were people reading? Who was reading??
Not now. I am just satisfied and love the opportunity to do what I love so much...write.

Ne way, Father's Day is Sunday...and I figure since my last post was in honor of my momma on mother's day...I'd go on a head and write to the daddy's in my life. So here goes...


To the FATHER of my children:
It would have been easy to skip you...to act as if you didn't exist. Yet, something inside made me acknowledge you. There is always something to complain about, but instead today, I will tell you what I am grateful for.
Thank you for giving me, 4 beautiful children. Thank you for holding my hand, and wiping my tears, and supporting me in the delivery room (every time) Thank you for helping me change so many diapers in so little years...(I calculated an it was over 7,000 diapers)
Thank you for working and contributing to the support of our children. I wish that you were more involved now, but thank you for not disappearing completely.
Thank you for loving your children, regardless of how you show it. I pray that you will become a better father as the years go on...that you will be able to help mold our sons into men..because you have discovered through Christ...what a real man is. I love you.

To my little stinky BROTHER:
So fatherhood came in with a vengence, didn't it?
Aw, but when we look at them boys...everything, every tear, every stress, every prayer...WORTH IT. But, you didn't begin being a father when cj and jay were born...
Nope! I'm writing to let you know that it is priceless, what you have meant in the lives of my children. Sometimes I worry about...are they gonna have a man to mold themselves after, then
I pause and smile to myself, cause you come to mind. Brother, you are such a WONDERFUL man! You are a man of God, you exhibit so many characteristics that I believe God for in my sons. Thank you for loving them Chris, for praying for and with them, for babysitting, for playing with them (even if it is too ruff), for going to the games, and recitals, for talking to them about school, for helping me in everyway. I thank God for you buddy!!! What would we do without you?? You are so young and already a TRUE example of what a man and especially a daddy should be. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRAT!

To my GRAND DADDY:
ok..I'm gonna try not to "cloud up" (cry) like you used to call it. Gdaddy, it hasn't been a year yet..that you have been gone. Altho, it will be a year next week since I last saw you alive. I miss you so much, and my grandmom misses you so much she is sick...visit her in her dreams, please. She misses you...she isn't eating, she needs you.
It makes me feel queasy thinking about the void you have left...but be sure that you also left behind an overwhelming since of love in me, that I almost can't put into words.
Seeing your casket lowered into the ground was almost too much, it took everything in me to remain standing. I miss you. Grandaddy, I need to put into writing...we all know that you didn't have to love us...the way you did. You loved me so much, you treated me like I meant so much to you...you held on to memories of me as a baby..getting on your back and "driving" you around for hours...lol. I know you were tired of me...but I loved my grandaddy. You loved me so much...you didn't want me to settle for less...you told me over and over. Including your dying wish to me...that I completely let go of that man who had me "bound." I just can't say it enough...thank you that I was good enough for you to love. Thank you for accepting me, and for your kind constructive criticisms...lol. I thank you, I will cherish you and your memory until we meet again. With my whole heart, I love you.

To my precious DADDY:
hey you!!! I bet you already know how much I love you. Probably because I tell you EVERY chance I get. You are the bomb! Dad, so many people love you (shake off the haters...lol) but really Dad...look at how many people that have come to the church since you have been pastor. It's amazing, people call the church just to seek your counsel, to cry on your shoulder, to ask for help in their time of need. You deliver the word...just as captivating, and proficient as any of this world's greatest orators. You have a sweet, giving, helpful, compassionate, and forgiving spirit. You dress well (mommy had something to do with that..lol) you always smell good, your teeth are perfect (haha..they better be) You are just like a big ol' chocolate covered gift from above. To everyone in your life....
Still to me, an adult, a mother...you are just my daddy. And I wouldn't have it any other way...if I could handpick a dad, hands down..It would be you.
You love me, you support me (in all my endeavors), you stand with me against the enemy, you are always there to listen, to pass off money...lol, to pray, to cry on.
Thank you for never being too busy...I know how hectic it gets. You make me so proud. I just want you to know that...I am PROUD that you are my daddy...and I will shout it from the mountain tops!!! I adore you dad!

To the FATHER of MY SOUL:
Father God...you alone are the Father of my soul. Thank you for loving me enough to send your SON. Thank you for loving me so much, that you sent me physical representations of you in my daddy, and grandfathers. Thank you for loving me...even though you know EVERYTHING about me. The things that I am ashamed of, the ugly things, the bad attitudes, my deliberate rebelliousness, despite all that, you LOVE me. WOW. Thank you for moving in my life, thank you for your promises...thank you that you are not slack concerning your promises.
Thank you that you have my steps ordered. Thank you even for the hardship, the heartache, the lessons learned from bad decision making, for the tear, the questions, the stretching...but no more ok??? Just kidding, although I hate hardship and trouble...I understand that you have purpose in all of it. Thank you God for being way more committed to me, than I am to you.
Thank you for developing me, forgiving me, for having mercy on me, but mostly, like I said...just for loving me!!! I worship, praise, and LOVE you LORD!!

A Letter to My Mother

Mom,

Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa, I long for you.I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...but I won't do that.

Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.

More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.I miss you so much...I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows. I miss that.

You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you.

No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...Who'll ever love me like that?I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long.

Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.

Chandra

Whew!

Yes, it's been a minute since I've come through here.
You know me, lots going on, very busy...all that good stuff.
Let's see, about the guy in my last post. We are still cool. I'm not really interested anymore, maybe he senses that...He's been extra friendly, even offering to buy me
a belt that I told him I liked.But that's kool. I'm good.

So back to the drawing board once again.
I'm just living, trying to maintain focus and love my kiddies, and all that good stuff.
I called Trina this morning, risking waking her up after a long night at work (grr) but she was just getting in.Whew! lol. I called because, I need a pedicure so bad that if my feet scratch my leg one more time I think I'ma lose my mind. HA!
So I wanted to try to get her to go with me.We decided to wait until Thursday...I'm gonna try to survive until then.

Oh, I took the kids to see Spidey 3 yesterday. I LOVED it!!!
Wow, it wasn't exactly what I expected with the black spidey and all..but better.
So go see it. :)It was great.
I spoke to my sister-in-law...well ex sister-in-law, I suppose, yesterday. I told her I was dating my kids..lol. It's so true, and fun...for the most part. But I tried to go shopping with them. NO!!! I can't do it.They drove me crazy.
But I stopped by my one of my FAV stores..Marshalls.
I saw these guess shoes, I picked them up, tried them on, wanted them.
I told myself that I'd walk around and come back and get them.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????? I swear someone was watching me,cause
when I went back to get them...they were....GONE???!!? No more in my size.

So I sighed, and just said to myself...it was God's will, and kept the money in my pockets.
humph!Oh well...whoever the heifer is she ain't gon' wear them like I woulda. :) Just kiddin...
no I ain't, who am I foolin?

So today, I'm gonna try to get some gardening done out front. Well I have to pull up the weeds. So I'll do that, and just get somethings in order here. Tommorow I'm taking a client to see a house that she is interested in. I think that she'll like it. :) Let's pray this is the one!!
:)

Let me run, i just wanted to check back in with you...and babble a little.
Miss all u blogspot people. I'll b back soon.
Stop by my mspace too www.myspace.com/chanichew

I'm trying

I work hard..to be a woman of character, and a good mother.

I work hard at it..not because I want someone to give me accolades but because I want to please God, and I want to help develop wonderful little men and woman. That's my heart's desire.

Sometimes, I feel like...I'm not doing enough. Not focused enuf on the things of God.

After all the Bible says," Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 I don't know. It's hard work...loving my enemies..or at least trying.I have friends that say,,why try? Screw them! I feel that, but I don't wanna be that. I can't explain the motivation in me to live upright. It's foreign, even to me...but it is there.Constantly urging me to do and be better.Things don't always go as planned, Still I hope for more, I expect and await more for myself, my children. I was reading Trina's blog, and she talked about how she can look in the mirror and be happy.I wanna look in the mirror and appreciate and be certain of my beauty...I want to look in the mirror of the God's Word

and do the same thing. I don't know the purpose of this blog post. I just needed to vent.

So many thoughts, and emotions, and everyday stresses of being a good enough single mother.'Of making the best decisions for my children and for me. Knowing that on my own,

I'm incapable of doing and being good enuf...so I seek divine power from the Almighty.

On another tip, I met a man, I think I told you about him. I haven't even thought seriously about dating someone for a while. I met him at the church, altho he isn't a member there.

I eventually approached him, which is out of the ordinary for me.What he said to me threw me for a loop.At first, I felt like..oh no! he's not interested. Then he said to me that he was almost a

"sex-aholic"and that he had noticed me, saying "I be glancing at you."Basically what he said was that...normally he'd manipulate the situation but that kicking it with him could be dangerous.

He also said something along the lines of...not wanting to possibly get sexually involved (with me)without being ready for a relationship.So in my mind...I'm trying to really appreciate that he totally policed the situation for me and protected me from himself, and not see it as rejection.

I told him, "I'm out here on a limb."and in response he said...

"you are, but I'm not gonna let the limb break. I have to be responsible with your feelings."

So what's so weird? I've never had a situation like this. I know I have to let it go, and move on. If it's gonna be it will one day...but having to let it go makes me think about him all the time...ugh!

I feel like, he sees me as a woman...trying to live right and He doesn't wanna mess that up.

But I love it and HATE it at the same time.

Anyway, it's all gonna be alright. That's how I live this life

that's how I get through the rough patches...because I trust

the promises of God, that it is all gonna work out, and be alright.