hey everyone...
nothing too light hearted to say. altho, i'm not unhappy.
i have a lot going on like always. all weekend i was thinking about what i'd write...but nothing was coming to mind.
but by the way, i prayed for my exes mother. mostly because i just dealt with a death and i didn't want to deal with another so soon...selfish?? i know it sounds like it, but i really didn't want my children to have to face that just yet...although timing is far from in my hands. i was just hoping that she would live and not die.
the good news is, she seems to be recovering...the last time i spoke to "him" he told me that she was conscious and talking. God answers prayers.
so i'm happy about that. there is a ton more i can say about that situation, but i won't. what i will say is that, some situations in life are just thorns in your side that won't go any where. so i guess, i'ma just have to live with this thorn.
so, my brother is moving on in his life again. (praise God) kinda anyway. if u know me, u know CJ is my aCE. so...seeing him all hooked up with someone, not having time for me again makes me feel a little tight lipped...lol. On the other hand as long as this girl has his best interest at heart and isn't a freeloader like the last one, i'm happy 4 him.
hahaha...i had a dream that i was at a banquet and everyone i knew was there. including MR.6'5" and i wasn't ready yet. so while everyone was sitting down, i ran upstairs to the bathroom to get dressed. i had the perfect dress and all...
I was standing there in my panties and bra....stepping into my dress, and Mr. 6'5" busted in and I screamed...and then i woke up. PISSED.
can he PLEASE get out of my dreams????
i keep trying to convince myself i'm over it. but i'm sure u guyz know tha deal.
i haven't called tho, and neither has he..and i won't. it's gonna fade...but dang.
i have heard tho, dreams are all that random info and thoughts and emotions LEAVING.
here's to wishful thinkin.
to be honest..i'm having one of those single moments when everyone around me is involved with some one. that's weird...i'm not used to being on THIS side.so last night was lonely.
i talked to God tho, i was like..."lord i know i should b talking to you right now." :)
i do enjoy my life tho.
my friend katrina says i'ma stick in the mud. i used to be "fun"
but i used to be loose...went for anything, uncertain about me. so maybe now...
this me, ain't fun. i hate to think that tho. i laugh a lot. i mean a lot. friday night, i was outside with my friends (like a kid) until almost 2am. we laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves.
i sang at this gospel lounge friday night. it went really well. someone said i reminded them of Lauryn Hill, and that's nice. I just hope she didn't mean Lauryn Hill on crack...or whatever she was on on that last album...uhhh NO!
ok, i'm just about done my ramble mission.
i'm waiting to hear back from law school....oops!
had i mentioned that b4???
oh well...i'm praying and anticipating my acceptance letters.
AND, i have to run because i freelance write for an online magazine,
and i had an article due friday...
it's monday.
get to work ms.chan.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
what's going on
so, i have been wanting to write...but just too busy and emotionally overwhelmed to. A very good friend of mine died suddenly. she was 22. so that has been devastating and i'm not to the point yet that i can go into much detail about it.
my ex called to tell me that his mother was on the verge of death, and that i should pray.i felt conflicted about how i felt. i find it just amazing how...he never calls unless it's FOR something. either he wants sex, his family wants to see the kids, he needs to borrow a "ten-spot"...haha...NEVER, hey are you ok? how are the kids? do they need anything? is the child support enough? can i take the boys to baseball practice...lol. NEVER that. but he'll call to ask ME to pray for his mom. i haven't prayed yet.
i will though.
it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.
on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.
i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.
his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.
that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.
i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.
i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....
what's going on with that??? lol
so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.
i will though.
it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.
on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.
i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.
his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.
that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.
i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.
i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....
what's going on with that??? lol
so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
strawberries and cream
i just ate some strawberries with whipped cream. It was such a pleasing thing to eat...it's fairly healthy, it's pretty to look at, and great tasting...and it just inspired me to write.
eating the strawberries made me focus on how good they were, and just for a second drown out the humming of my dryer, cat in the hat playing in the living room, and the worries running through my mind.
everyone needs a strawberries and cream break sometimes...i should be cooking, or something
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
flaws and all
i know myself pretty well... sure, i'm learning more everyday, but the years i've spent with me, have afforded me the inside info on just who and how i am.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.
that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)
the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.
there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.
i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.
(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.
and that's pretty kool.
it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!
and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.
that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)
the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.
there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.
i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.
the other night, i was kicking it with Mr. 6'5", he was sitting and i was laying and he rubbed his hand over my stomach...i winced (that is a problem area) and moved his hand. He asked me, why, and was i insecure...i admitted that i wasn't too fond of that part of my body...and he went on to tell me that i shouldn't feel like that and that i was fine...and all that. Not to say, that he is the one by any means
(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.
and that's pretty kool.
it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!
and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.
4 real tho.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Mr. 6'5..."When I See You"
Ok, so i really like this song.
It just so happens that it makes me think of...Mr. 6 foot 5,smooth bald, caramel complexion.u probably remember me writing about him. i had appoached him a while back, and he told me he was weak in some areas(we r both tryna be good Christians), so i let it go.
or so i thought.
someone asked me to invite him to something, so i called him...for that SOLE purpose, and told him i'd talk to him later. before i hung up, he stopped me to ask how i was....i told him well and got off the phone pretty quickly.
he didn't make it to the thing i invited him out to. so after the weekend passed he called me to explain why he couldn't make it.
i told him, it was no biggie and that i'd talk to him later.
he wasn't trying to let me get off the phone...that conversation ended up lasting 2hrs...within a day or two we had the chance to kick it, in a group,and later one on one. it was instant chemistry.
maybe too much so, so since, we have spoken sparingly.
first of all, we didn't have sex...
but the temptation has got me to the point of RUNNING.
i knew he was potentially dangereous.i know first hand now, so i have to pretty much
STAY AWAY, he warned me...but now i conceed.
it sux, cause i still feel like the FANTASIA song...."When I See You..."
ugh, and even when i don't see him in person, i see him when i close my eyes.
he makes me get butterflies, i feel like a little girl with a crush.
Dear, Mr 6'5,
"Your always on my mind
When you come around I'm shy
When i see you, when i see you
Never no when you might walk by
So I gotta be right on time
When i see you when i see you
I scibble X and O's in my notebook
Checking how my hair and nails look
I feel myself in the zone
I get nervous when you call
So i say im not home
I see your face when i here my Favorite song
Should i Send an email at home
Your the number 1 topic on the phone,
I wonder if you know or do you have a clue
I lay my head on my pillow
You got me staring out the window
Wish on a star for a sign
Whats the reason why Yeah..."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Her First Recital...
It just so happened that the group I sing with had been booked for months to be the "entertainment" for an event on the same day as her recital.
I was determined to do both...I just didn't have it all figured out.
I didn't wanna let my group down, as each of us is essential to the group...besides it was only our 2nd paying gig...and it paid more than the first.
my babygirl...she'd been in african dance and ballet now for several months.
i could tell she was getting bored, and that was upsetting me...because i thought she was so good at it, and i knew beyond this season i couldn't force her to keep dancing.
well she got a ride with her afro/ballet teacher to her recital, and i did my singing thing, and left in enough time that i'd only be about 20 minutes late.
well don't u know, the directions were to the wrong place. i asked everyone within 5 miles of the RIGHT place...and no one knew. Until after an hour of driving around, totally lost..unable to get any info, a man gave me the wrong directions and i said NO! that's wrong...and he said, oh you must mean this other place. ?????
well he told me how to get to the other place. i get there and yes , it's the recital.
by now...i'm devasted. no one was there 4 her, i was breaking my neck to be there...
i got out my car, perspiring, no flowers, disappointed, ready to just pick her up and take her out to make it up to her...
when i walked in, i asked the lady at the door was it over...she said the second half had just begun, i said..."did i miss the little little girls??" and she said, "no, I think they are just now doing afro"...i paid 4 the ticket and ran into a huge crowded theatre....
i saw all these brown little girls in their african tutus and head wraps dancing around....
my heart was racing...i knew it was her class, my eyes scoured the stage...until i saw...
MY BABY!!
she was shaking and dancing and twirling, dipping, and stomping....waving her little arms...
unafraid.
i squealed, "i see her!" and then covered my mouth!!
Then i couldn't do anything but weep. I just cried like...I can't even explain it.
The build up, of trying to get there, getting lost, and then believing i wouldn't see her...and i walked in the door and my baby was shaking just what i gave her to the beat of the drummers.
so i cried.
i missed her do ballet...but i am buying the tape.
i'll post pix as soon as i get them back.
ohhh...btw, she likes dance now (yippie) she understands that all the practice was for a purpose...she likes being a star!!!
and I love seeing her shine!
I was determined to do both...I just didn't have it all figured out.
I didn't wanna let my group down, as each of us is essential to the group...besides it was only our 2nd paying gig...and it paid more than the first.
my babygirl...she'd been in african dance and ballet now for several months.
i could tell she was getting bored, and that was upsetting me...because i thought she was so good at it, and i knew beyond this season i couldn't force her to keep dancing.
well she got a ride with her afro/ballet teacher to her recital, and i did my singing thing, and left in enough time that i'd only be about 20 minutes late.
well don't u know, the directions were to the wrong place. i asked everyone within 5 miles of the RIGHT place...and no one knew. Until after an hour of driving around, totally lost..unable to get any info, a man gave me the wrong directions and i said NO! that's wrong...and he said, oh you must mean this other place. ?????
well he told me how to get to the other place. i get there and yes , it's the recital.
by now...i'm devasted. no one was there 4 her, i was breaking my neck to be there...
i got out my car, perspiring, no flowers, disappointed, ready to just pick her up and take her out to make it up to her...
when i walked in, i asked the lady at the door was it over...she said the second half had just begun, i said..."did i miss the little little girls??" and she said, "no, I think they are just now doing afro"...i paid 4 the ticket and ran into a huge crowded theatre....
i saw all these brown little girls in their african tutus and head wraps dancing around....
my heart was racing...i knew it was her class, my eyes scoured the stage...until i saw...
MY BABY!!
she was shaking and dancing and twirling, dipping, and stomping....waving her little arms...
unafraid.
i squealed, "i see her!" and then covered my mouth!!
Then i couldn't do anything but weep. I just cried like...I can't even explain it.
The build up, of trying to get there, getting lost, and then believing i wouldn't see her...and i walked in the door and my baby was shaking just what i gave her to the beat of the drummers.
so i cried.
i missed her do ballet...but i am buying the tape.
i'll post pix as soon as i get them back.
ohhh...btw, she likes dance now (yippie) she understands that all the practice was for a purpose...she likes being a star!!!
and I love seeing her shine!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
To The FATHER'S in my Life...
Hey everyone...I been missing u all so much. I have grown so, over the past years I've been blogging. It is so awesome to read back and see...where I've been, and where I'm going!
So, I used to fret over this blog...was I posting enuf? Were people reading? Who was reading??
Not now. I am just satisfied and love the opportunity to do what I love so much...write.
Ne way, Father's Day is Sunday...and I figure since my last post was in honor of my momma on mother's day...I'd go on a head and write to the daddy's in my life. So here goes...
To the FATHER of my children:
It would have been easy to skip you...to act as if you didn't exist. Yet, something inside made me acknowledge you. There is always something to complain about, but instead today, I will tell you what I am grateful for.
Thank you for giving me, 4 beautiful children. Thank you for holding my hand, and wiping my tears, and supporting me in the delivery room (every time) Thank you for helping me change so many diapers in so little years...(I calculated an it was over 7,000 diapers)
Thank you for working and contributing to the support of our children. I wish that you were more involved now, but thank you for not disappearing completely.
Thank you for loving your children, regardless of how you show it. I pray that you will become a better father as the years go on...that you will be able to help mold our sons into men..because you have discovered through Christ...what a real man is. I love you.
To my little stinky BROTHER:
So fatherhood came in with a vengence, didn't it?
Aw, but when we look at them boys...everything, every tear, every stress, every prayer...WORTH IT. But, you didn't begin being a father when cj and jay were born...
Nope! I'm writing to let you know that it is priceless, what you have meant in the lives of my children. Sometimes I worry about...are they gonna have a man to mold themselves after, then
I pause and smile to myself, cause you come to mind. Brother, you are such a WONDERFUL man! You are a man of God, you exhibit so many characteristics that I believe God for in my sons. Thank you for loving them Chris, for praying for and with them, for babysitting, for playing with them (even if it is too ruff), for going to the games, and recitals, for talking to them about school, for helping me in everyway. I thank God for you buddy!!! What would we do without you?? You are so young and already a TRUE example of what a man and especially a daddy should be. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRAT!
To my GRAND DADDY:
ok..I'm gonna try not to "cloud up" (cry) like you used to call it. Gdaddy, it hasn't been a year yet..that you have been gone. Altho, it will be a year next week since I last saw you alive. I miss you so much, and my grandmom misses you so much she is sick...visit her in her dreams, please. She misses you...she isn't eating, she needs you.
It makes me feel queasy thinking about the void you have left...but be sure that you also left behind an overwhelming since of love in me, that I almost can't put into words.
Seeing your casket lowered into the ground was almost too much, it took everything in me to remain standing. I miss you. Grandaddy, I need to put into writing...we all know that you didn't have to love us...the way you did. You loved me so much, you treated me like I meant so much to you...you held on to memories of me as a baby..getting on your back and "driving" you around for hours...lol. I know you were tired of me...but I loved my grandaddy. You loved me so much...you didn't want me to settle for less...you told me over and over. Including your dying wish to me...that I completely let go of that man who had me "bound." I just can't say it enough...thank you that I was good enough for you to love. Thank you for accepting me, and for your kind constructive criticisms...lol. I thank you, I will cherish you and your memory until we meet again. With my whole heart, I love you.
To my precious DADDY:
hey you!!! I bet you already know how much I love you. Probably because I tell you EVERY chance I get. You are the bomb! Dad, so many people love you (shake off the haters...lol) but really Dad...look at how many people that have come to the church since you have been pastor. It's amazing, people call the church just to seek your counsel, to cry on your shoulder, to ask for help in their time of need. You deliver the word...just as captivating, and proficient as any of this world's greatest orators. You have a sweet, giving, helpful, compassionate, and forgiving spirit. You dress well (mommy had something to do with that..lol) you always smell good, your teeth are perfect (haha..they better be) You are just like a big ol' chocolate covered gift from above. To everyone in your life....
Still to me, an adult, a mother...you are just my daddy. And I wouldn't have it any other way...if I could handpick a dad, hands down..It would be you.
You love me, you support me (in all my endeavors), you stand with me against the enemy, you are always there to listen, to pass off money...lol, to pray, to cry on.
Thank you for never being too busy...I know how hectic it gets. You make me so proud. I just want you to know that...I am PROUD that you are my daddy...and I will shout it from the mountain tops!!! I adore you dad!
To the FATHER of MY SOUL:
Father God...you alone are the Father of my soul. Thank you for loving me enough to send your SON. Thank you for loving me so much, that you sent me physical representations of you in my daddy, and grandfathers. Thank you for loving me...even though you know EVERYTHING about me. The things that I am ashamed of, the ugly things, the bad attitudes, my deliberate rebelliousness, despite all that, you LOVE me. WOW. Thank you for moving in my life, thank you for your promises...thank you that you are not slack concerning your promises.
Thank you that you have my steps ordered. Thank you even for the hardship, the heartache, the lessons learned from bad decision making, for the tear, the questions, the stretching...but no more ok??? Just kidding, although I hate hardship and trouble...I understand that you have purpose in all of it. Thank you God for being way more committed to me, than I am to you.
Thank you for developing me, forgiving me, for having mercy on me, but mostly, like I said...just for loving me!!! I worship, praise, and LOVE you LORD!!
So, I used to fret over this blog...was I posting enuf? Were people reading? Who was reading??
Not now. I am just satisfied and love the opportunity to do what I love so much...write.
Ne way, Father's Day is Sunday...and I figure since my last post was in honor of my momma on mother's day...I'd go on a head and write to the daddy's in my life. So here goes...
To the FATHER of my children:
It would have been easy to skip you...to act as if you didn't exist. Yet, something inside made me acknowledge you. There is always something to complain about, but instead today, I will tell you what I am grateful for.
Thank you for giving me, 4 beautiful children. Thank you for holding my hand, and wiping my tears, and supporting me in the delivery room (every time) Thank you for helping me change so many diapers in so little years...(I calculated an it was over 7,000 diapers)
Thank you for working and contributing to the support of our children. I wish that you were more involved now, but thank you for not disappearing completely.
Thank you for loving your children, regardless of how you show it. I pray that you will become a better father as the years go on...that you will be able to help mold our sons into men..because you have discovered through Christ...what a real man is. I love you.
To my little stinky BROTHER:
So fatherhood came in with a vengence, didn't it?
Aw, but when we look at them boys...everything, every tear, every stress, every prayer...WORTH IT. But, you didn't begin being a father when cj and jay were born...
Nope! I'm writing to let you know that it is priceless, what you have meant in the lives of my children. Sometimes I worry about...are they gonna have a man to mold themselves after, then
I pause and smile to myself, cause you come to mind. Brother, you are such a WONDERFUL man! You are a man of God, you exhibit so many characteristics that I believe God for in my sons. Thank you for loving them Chris, for praying for and with them, for babysitting, for playing with them (even if it is too ruff), for going to the games, and recitals, for talking to them about school, for helping me in everyway. I thank God for you buddy!!! What would we do without you?? You are so young and already a TRUE example of what a man and especially a daddy should be. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRAT!
To my GRAND DADDY:
ok..I'm gonna try not to "cloud up" (cry) like you used to call it. Gdaddy, it hasn't been a year yet..that you have been gone. Altho, it will be a year next week since I last saw you alive. I miss you so much, and my grandmom misses you so much she is sick...visit her in her dreams, please. She misses you...she isn't eating, she needs you.
It makes me feel queasy thinking about the void you have left...but be sure that you also left behind an overwhelming since of love in me, that I almost can't put into words.
Seeing your casket lowered into the ground was almost too much, it took everything in me to remain standing. I miss you. Grandaddy, I need to put into writing...we all know that you didn't have to love us...the way you did. You loved me so much, you treated me like I meant so much to you...you held on to memories of me as a baby..getting on your back and "driving" you around for hours...lol. I know you were tired of me...but I loved my grandaddy. You loved me so much...you didn't want me to settle for less...you told me over and over. Including your dying wish to me...that I completely let go of that man who had me "bound." I just can't say it enough...thank you that I was good enough for you to love. Thank you for accepting me, and for your kind constructive criticisms...lol. I thank you, I will cherish you and your memory until we meet again. With my whole heart, I love you.
To my precious DADDY:
hey you!!! I bet you already know how much I love you. Probably because I tell you EVERY chance I get. You are the bomb! Dad, so many people love you (shake off the haters...lol) but really Dad...look at how many people that have come to the church since you have been pastor. It's amazing, people call the church just to seek your counsel, to cry on your shoulder, to ask for help in their time of need. You deliver the word...just as captivating, and proficient as any of this world's greatest orators. You have a sweet, giving, helpful, compassionate, and forgiving spirit. You dress well (mommy had something to do with that..lol) you always smell good, your teeth are perfect (haha..they better be) You are just like a big ol' chocolate covered gift from above. To everyone in your life....
Still to me, an adult, a mother...you are just my daddy. And I wouldn't have it any other way...if I could handpick a dad, hands down..It would be you.
You love me, you support me (in all my endeavors), you stand with me against the enemy, you are always there to listen, to pass off money...lol, to pray, to cry on.
Thank you for never being too busy...I know how hectic it gets. You make me so proud. I just want you to know that...I am PROUD that you are my daddy...and I will shout it from the mountain tops!!! I adore you dad!
To the FATHER of MY SOUL:
Father God...you alone are the Father of my soul. Thank you for loving me enough to send your SON. Thank you for loving me so much, that you sent me physical representations of you in my daddy, and grandfathers. Thank you for loving me...even though you know EVERYTHING about me. The things that I am ashamed of, the ugly things, the bad attitudes, my deliberate rebelliousness, despite all that, you LOVE me. WOW. Thank you for moving in my life, thank you for your promises...thank you that you are not slack concerning your promises.
Thank you that you have my steps ordered. Thank you even for the hardship, the heartache, the lessons learned from bad decision making, for the tear, the questions, the stretching...but no more ok??? Just kidding, although I hate hardship and trouble...I understand that you have purpose in all of it. Thank you God for being way more committed to me, than I am to you.
Thank you for developing me, forgiving me, for having mercy on me, but mostly, like I said...just for loving me!!! I worship, praise, and LOVE you LORD!!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
A Letter to My Mother
Mom,
Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa, I long for you.I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...but I won't do that.
Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.
More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.I miss you so much...I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows. I miss that.
You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you.
No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...Who'll ever love me like that?I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long.
Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.
Chandra
Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa, I long for you.I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...but I won't do that.
Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.
More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.I miss you so much...I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows. I miss that.
You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you.
No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...Who'll ever love me like that?I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long.
Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.
Chandra
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Whew!
Yes, it's been a minute since I've come through here.
You know me, lots going on, very busy...all that good stuff.
Let's see, about the guy in my last post. We are still cool. I'm not really interested anymore, maybe he senses that...He's been extra friendly, even offering to buy me
a belt that I told him I liked.But that's kool. I'm good.
So back to the drawing board once again.
I'm just living, trying to maintain focus and love my kiddies, and all that good stuff.
I called Trina this morning, risking waking her up after a long night at work (grr) but she was just getting in.Whew! lol. I called because, I need a pedicure so bad that if my feet scratch my leg one more time I think I'ma lose my mind. HA!
So I wanted to try to get her to go with me.We decided to wait until Thursday...I'm gonna try to survive until then.
Oh, I took the kids to see Spidey 3 yesterday. I LOVED it!!!
Wow, it wasn't exactly what I expected with the black spidey and all..but better.
So go see it. :)It was great.
I spoke to my sister-in-law...well ex sister-in-law, I suppose, yesterday. I told her I was dating my kids..lol. It's so true, and fun...for the most part. But I tried to go shopping with them. NO!!! I can't do it.They drove me crazy.
But I stopped by my one of my FAV stores..Marshalls.
I saw these guess shoes, I picked them up, tried them on, wanted them.
I told myself that I'd walk around and come back and get them.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????? I swear someone was watching me,cause
when I went back to get them...they were....GONE???!!? No more in my size.
So I sighed, and just said to myself...it was God's will, and kept the money in my pockets.
humph!Oh well...whoever the heifer is she ain't gon' wear them like I woulda. :) Just kiddin...
no I ain't, who am I foolin?
So today, I'm gonna try to get some gardening done out front. Well I have to pull up the weeds. So I'll do that, and just get somethings in order here. Tommorow I'm taking a client to see a house that she is interested in. I think that she'll like it. :) Let's pray this is the one!!
:)
Let me run, i just wanted to check back in with you...and babble a little.
Miss all u blogspot people. I'll b back soon.
Stop by my mspace too www.myspace.com/chanichew
You know me, lots going on, very busy...all that good stuff.
Let's see, about the guy in my last post. We are still cool. I'm not really interested anymore, maybe he senses that...He's been extra friendly, even offering to buy me
a belt that I told him I liked.But that's kool. I'm good.
So back to the drawing board once again.
I'm just living, trying to maintain focus and love my kiddies, and all that good stuff.
I called Trina this morning, risking waking her up after a long night at work (grr) but she was just getting in.Whew! lol. I called because, I need a pedicure so bad that if my feet scratch my leg one more time I think I'ma lose my mind. HA!
So I wanted to try to get her to go with me.We decided to wait until Thursday...I'm gonna try to survive until then.
Oh, I took the kids to see Spidey 3 yesterday. I LOVED it!!!
Wow, it wasn't exactly what I expected with the black spidey and all..but better.
So go see it. :)It was great.
I spoke to my sister-in-law...well ex sister-in-law, I suppose, yesterday. I told her I was dating my kids..lol. It's so true, and fun...for the most part. But I tried to go shopping with them. NO!!! I can't do it.They drove me crazy.
But I stopped by my one of my FAV stores..Marshalls.
I saw these guess shoes, I picked them up, tried them on, wanted them.
I told myself that I'd walk around and come back and get them.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????? I swear someone was watching me,cause
when I went back to get them...they were....GONE???!!? No more in my size.
So I sighed, and just said to myself...it was God's will, and kept the money in my pockets.
humph!Oh well...whoever the heifer is she ain't gon' wear them like I woulda. :) Just kiddin...
no I ain't, who am I foolin?
So today, I'm gonna try to get some gardening done out front. Well I have to pull up the weeds. So I'll do that, and just get somethings in order here. Tommorow I'm taking a client to see a house that she is interested in. I think that she'll like it. :) Let's pray this is the one!!
:)
Let me run, i just wanted to check back in with you...and babble a little.
Miss all u blogspot people. I'll b back soon.
Stop by my mspace too www.myspace.com/chanichew
Friday, April 13, 2007
I'm trying
I work hard..to be a woman of character, and a good mother.
I work hard at it..not because I want someone to give me accolades but because I want to please God, and I want to help develop wonderful little men and woman. That's my heart's desire.
Sometimes, I feel like...I'm not doing enough. Not focused enuf on the things of God.
After all the Bible says," Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 I don't know. It's hard work...loving my enemies..or at least trying.I have friends that say,,why try? Screw them! I feel that, but I don't wanna be that. I can't explain the motivation in me to live upright. It's foreign, even to me...but it is there.Constantly urging me to do and be better.Things don't always go as planned, Still I hope for more, I expect and await more for myself, my children. I was reading Trina's blog, and she talked about how she can look in the mirror and be happy.I wanna look in the mirror and appreciate and be certain of my beauty...I want to look in the mirror of the God's Word
and do the same thing. I don't know the purpose of this blog post. I just needed to vent.
So many thoughts, and emotions, and everyday stresses of being a good enough single mother.'Of making the best decisions for my children and for me. Knowing that on my own,
I'm incapable of doing and being good enuf...so I seek divine power from the Almighty.
On another tip, I met a man, I think I told you about him. I haven't even thought seriously about dating someone for a while. I met him at the church, altho he isn't a member there.
I eventually approached him, which is out of the ordinary for me.What he said to me threw me for a loop.At first, I felt like..oh no! he's not interested. Then he said to me that he was almost a
"sex-aholic"and that he had noticed me, saying "I be glancing at you."Basically what he said was that...normally he'd manipulate the situation but that kicking it with him could be dangerous.
He also said something along the lines of...not wanting to possibly get sexually involved (with me)without being ready for a relationship.So in my mind...I'm trying to really appreciate that he totally policed the situation for me and protected me from himself, and not see it as rejection.
I told him, "I'm out here on a limb."and in response he said...
"you are, but I'm not gonna let the limb break. I have to be responsible with your feelings."
So what's so weird? I've never had a situation like this. I know I have to let it go, and move on. If it's gonna be it will one day...but having to let it go makes me think about him all the time...ugh!
I feel like, he sees me as a woman...trying to live right and He doesn't wanna mess that up.
But I love it and HATE it at the same time.
Anyway, it's all gonna be alright. That's how I live this life
that's how I get through the rough patches...because I trust
the promises of God, that it is all gonna work out, and be alright.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
on my mind
it is darn near...no it's actually midnite oclock...lol Tuesday morning.
knowing FULL well that my backside oughta be taking it down as we speak
i'm still up...internetting around. i swung thru here, just to check in
and then i decided, well i might as well blog.
i used to be hardcore on this sight. i know i said it before but myspace has stolen blogspot's thunder...a little bit n eway.
if u're wondering, not too much has changed. things are moving along. God is always good...lemme think about a few things i wanna mention b4 i fall over sleep...
1. i know it's old news, but the baby's smoking weed???
it's sad and crazy. the problem is that, you can charge those guys and even the mother
with gross neglect, abuse, drug charges or whatever...and it doesn't change a thing.
the mind set of way too many people concerning weed is that...
it's "natural." so they didn't SEE the problem with sharing with a
BABY!!! that's crazy! so sad...but just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
2. bring our troops home from Iraq!!! i have two friends who will be leaving to go next month.
it seems so backwardz...but what does a little ol' colored girl from jersey know??
3. while i have been loving the RISE of Jennifer Hudson...i really think she is feeling herself a bit much. hmm...she needs to b careful, you know what they say about too much pride.
4.i recently discoved that i love the KING OF PRUSSIA MALL.
5. i installed a WHOLE closet unit by my self... :)
can u believe that daddy??? i went to home depot and
got a power drill, measuring tape, and a level thingy...lol
and after 3hrs (probably a 1.5 hr job) it's done
and beautiful and i did it..lol
and i even used a high heel shoe in lieu of a hammer.
so what...it worked. :)
6. i think i can live without carbohydrates...my girlfriend and her husband tried to convince me
i'm gonna drop over and die...oh snap, maybe that's why i been having all these head and body aches...wow
7. can u believe i'm actually a soccer, well baseball mom??? fully equipped with the van and everything. (lip poked out) i'm only 26. lol. ok, it's a joy. i luv my bratz
8. i am and have been consistently single over the past few months...more so than EVER in my whole life...at least since i was 15. :). i'm proud of myself.
9. what do u do when u have a close friend in a dangerous situation?? do u tell someone who can help? tell the police?? what if she won't listen to you...is there anything that u can do besides be there 4 her and pray??? hmmm..
10. i went to sandy cove this past weekend. it was really nice. i went swimming.
that was great. i can't wait 'til summer...oh except i'ma have to have some man or terminix or something here to kill the summer bugs...everything wanna come alive. i can't sleep with flies, spiders, mosquitos, beetles or whatever else the summer brings...help me LORD!!!
ok, i'm going to bed. i miss u trina..and u too silky smooove...lol
luv u
knowing FULL well that my backside oughta be taking it down as we speak
i'm still up...internetting around. i swung thru here, just to check in
and then i decided, well i might as well blog.
i used to be hardcore on this sight. i know i said it before but myspace has stolen blogspot's thunder...a little bit n eway.
if u're wondering, not too much has changed. things are moving along. God is always good...lemme think about a few things i wanna mention b4 i fall over sleep...
1. i know it's old news, but the baby's smoking weed???
it's sad and crazy. the problem is that, you can charge those guys and even the mother
with gross neglect, abuse, drug charges or whatever...and it doesn't change a thing.
the mind set of way too many people concerning weed is that...
it's "natural." so they didn't SEE the problem with sharing with a
BABY!!! that's crazy! so sad...but just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
2. bring our troops home from Iraq!!! i have two friends who will be leaving to go next month.
it seems so backwardz...but what does a little ol' colored girl from jersey know??
3. while i have been loving the RISE of Jennifer Hudson...i really think she is feeling herself a bit much. hmm...she needs to b careful, you know what they say about too much pride.
4.i recently discoved that i love the KING OF PRUSSIA MALL.
5. i installed a WHOLE closet unit by my self... :)
can u believe that daddy??? i went to home depot and
got a power drill, measuring tape, and a level thingy...lol
and after 3hrs (probably a 1.5 hr job) it's done
and beautiful and i did it..lol
and i even used a high heel shoe in lieu of a hammer.
so what...it worked. :)
6. i think i can live without carbohydrates...my girlfriend and her husband tried to convince me
i'm gonna drop over and die...oh snap, maybe that's why i been having all these head and body aches...wow
7. can u believe i'm actually a soccer, well baseball mom??? fully equipped with the van and everything. (lip poked out) i'm only 26. lol. ok, it's a joy. i luv my bratz
8. i am and have been consistently single over the past few months...more so than EVER in my whole life...at least since i was 15. :). i'm proud of myself.
9. what do u do when u have a close friend in a dangerous situation?? do u tell someone who can help? tell the police?? what if she won't listen to you...is there anything that u can do besides be there 4 her and pray??? hmmm..
10. i went to sandy cove this past weekend. it was really nice. i went swimming.
that was great. i can't wait 'til summer...oh except i'ma have to have some man or terminix or something here to kill the summer bugs...everything wanna come alive. i can't sleep with flies, spiders, mosquitos, beetles or whatever else the summer brings...help me LORD!!!
ok, i'm going to bed. i miss u trina..and u too silky smooove...lol
luv u
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I'm so glad...
that altho I've been thru a whole lot (as most people have) that I'm not so bitter that I'm ruined. you know??
I have run into some down right bitter, angry, unreceptive people. And it's just sad.
I want to be like that Maya Angelou poem "still I rise."
You know?
Like...yes, I've endured and am even eduring still...but "like air, I rise."
that's what I want...but not just for me.
I have loved ones, that have held on to hurt for so long that they can't love...they can't recieve love. I try with all my might to not let that be me.
I want to be as close to a clean slate as possible with every new friendship and relationship.
We all have issues, I have mine and I know you have yours...but it's what we do with those issues...if we let them turn us into victims or if like Faith's song"Again" we take our bag of issues and thank God for them and say that if it weren't for all that stuff that life has thrown in my bag, I wouldn't be the worthwhile person I've become.
And it's just that decision, whether to live in that bag of issues or to own it, that determines what caliber of person we are and will be.
Bitterness and resentment are killers. Literally.
I have some hurts that I have chosen to let go, some folx I've chosen to forgive, and a life that I've chosen to live to the fullest, I have little ones looking at me...I want them to learn LOVE, ENDURANCE, PEACE, and JOY...
I want the same for you.
((hugz))
Here's a biblical perspective:
Overcoming Bitterness and Resentment
By CBN.comCBN.com –
When you are offended or disappointed by others and allow the hurt to germinate in your heart, bitterness and resentment will take root. Characterized by an unforgiving spirit and generally negative, critical attitudes, bitterness and resentment are sinful and self-defeating. They will color your conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions. Allowed to fester, they will destroy and kill (Galatians 5:19-21). However, they can be dispelled with love.
What Scripture Says
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:14,15).
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32).
"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (I Peter 2:23).
"Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..." (Luke 23:34).
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15).
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21).
How To Be Free From Bitterness and Resentment
Life depression and other emotional stress, bitterness and resentment can aggravate or cause physical problems such as arthritis. You can be affected mentally, spiritually and otherwise. Your relationships will always suffer.
God can free you from this sin. It is an oppressive and destructive emotion having its root in hate, which is likened to murder. You must repent. No one can have peace and happiness with such emotions tearing at him. If you have not done so, ask God to forgive you and to come into your life right now. He will deliver you from the power of the enemy (Psalm 91:3).
If you are already a Christian, you should still ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask Him to forgive anyone who may have hurt you, and toward whom you are bitter or resentful, even as He forgives you.
Look for opportunities to demonstrate love to the person who offended you.
God forgives and forgets sin. However, you may have made your best effort to forgive and forget and find that you cannot. God can help you to cleanse your memory. Instead of remembering with malice and hurt, remember with forgiveness. Then go one step further and ask God to forgive your offender. By forgiving and then asking God to forgive your offender, you release God to bless you and the other person. As You Pray
Pray in this manner:
Father, I acknowledge that I've held resentment and bitterness against _______________. I confess this as sin and ask you to forgive me. I forgive __________________. Remind me, Lord, to not hold any more resentments, but rather to love this person. Father, I ask you to also forgive ______________________.
Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus' name, Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, please send us an e-mail to let us know. Or you can call our National Counseling Center at (800) 759-0700. We would love to talk with you and send you some literature to help you continue in your walk with the Lord.
I have run into some down right bitter, angry, unreceptive people. And it's just sad.
I want to be like that Maya Angelou poem "still I rise."
You know?
Like...yes, I've endured and am even eduring still...but "like air, I rise."
that's what I want...but not just for me.
I have loved ones, that have held on to hurt for so long that they can't love...they can't recieve love. I try with all my might to not let that be me.
I want to be as close to a clean slate as possible with every new friendship and relationship.
We all have issues, I have mine and I know you have yours...but it's what we do with those issues...if we let them turn us into victims or if like Faith's song"Again" we take our bag of issues and thank God for them and say that if it weren't for all that stuff that life has thrown in my bag, I wouldn't be the worthwhile person I've become.
And it's just that decision, whether to live in that bag of issues or to own it, that determines what caliber of person we are and will be.
Bitterness and resentment are killers. Literally.
I have some hurts that I have chosen to let go, some folx I've chosen to forgive, and a life that I've chosen to live to the fullest, I have little ones looking at me...I want them to learn LOVE, ENDURANCE, PEACE, and JOY...
I want the same for you.
((hugz))
Here's a biblical perspective:
Overcoming Bitterness and Resentment
By CBN.comCBN.com –
When you are offended or disappointed by others and allow the hurt to germinate in your heart, bitterness and resentment will take root. Characterized by an unforgiving spirit and generally negative, critical attitudes, bitterness and resentment are sinful and self-defeating. They will color your conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions. Allowed to fester, they will destroy and kill (Galatians 5:19-21). However, they can be dispelled with love.
What Scripture Says
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:14,15).
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32).
"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (I Peter 2:23).
"Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..." (Luke 23:34).
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15).
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21).
How To Be Free From Bitterness and Resentment
Life depression and other emotional stress, bitterness and resentment can aggravate or cause physical problems such as arthritis. You can be affected mentally, spiritually and otherwise. Your relationships will always suffer.
God can free you from this sin. It is an oppressive and destructive emotion having its root in hate, which is likened to murder. You must repent. No one can have peace and happiness with such emotions tearing at him. If you have not done so, ask God to forgive you and to come into your life right now. He will deliver you from the power of the enemy (Psalm 91:3).
If you are already a Christian, you should still ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask Him to forgive anyone who may have hurt you, and toward whom you are bitter or resentful, even as He forgives you.
Look for opportunities to demonstrate love to the person who offended you.
God forgives and forgets sin. However, you may have made your best effort to forgive and forget and find that you cannot. God can help you to cleanse your memory. Instead of remembering with malice and hurt, remember with forgiveness. Then go one step further and ask God to forgive your offender. By forgiving and then asking God to forgive your offender, you release God to bless you and the other person. As You Pray
Pray in this manner:
Father, I acknowledge that I've held resentment and bitterness against _______________. I confess this as sin and ask you to forgive me. I forgive __________________. Remind me, Lord, to not hold any more resentments, but rather to love this person. Father, I ask you to also forgive ______________________.
Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus' name, Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, please send us an e-mail to let us know. Or you can call our National Counseling Center at (800) 759-0700. We would love to talk with you and send you some literature to help you continue in your walk with the Lord.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
unfinished product
i wrote this poem a few months back.. i never finished it... i wasn't pleased with it... what do u think?? (sometimes unfinished is best..i dunno)
i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?
cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away
and tho i try to hide it
it's back BEFORE SUNSET.
and i CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear the sweet lyrics
from your BEAUTIFUL MIND.
and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.
so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll RETURN TO ME.
they keep saying i should give this up...
but they NEVER BEEN KISSED by you.
and people can SAY ANYTHING they want to
i know it's cause they don't know
how a LOVE JONES can be, like...
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you
and there was that day u took my breath away...
but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath i breathe hope
of our TRUE LOVE come to....
i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?
cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away
and tho i try to hide it
it's back BEFORE SUNSET.
and i CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear the sweet lyrics
from your BEAUTIFUL MIND.
and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.
so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll RETURN TO ME.
they keep saying i should give this up...
but they NEVER BEEN KISSED by you.
and people can SAY ANYTHING they want to
i know it's cause they don't know
how a LOVE JONES can be, like...
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you
and there was that day u took my breath away...
but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath i breathe hope
of our TRUE LOVE come to....
Life stuff
So the gospel cafe @ my church just passed...and it was beautiful. I mean, it was just like I imagined...well almost anyway. but we had a great time and it gave us a visual for the things to come. i was able to do a few numbers on the M-I-C. (lol) My brother did a few of his spoken word poems, and like always...they amazed me. He is so talented. I got to hear a few other people get free with their talents that we didn't know they had...and that was hott.The next one is March 9th...and I'm excited about that too. God is a good God and I love that He doesn't stay in a box...He allows us to lift Him up in so many different wayz.
On another note...I met this man a few days back. As soon as I walked in the building I spotted him...more than likely it was his stature tho. He was very tall...maybe 6' 5"...probably about 300lbs. Caramel complexion...seemed quiet enough. Without ever directly acknowleding one another, we were both very aware of each other. Turns out he's a friend of mines brother. hmmm..
He's single, 30 something, and saved. He writes music and sings like...some kind of angel. My instinct is to think about it a little more... to flirt and all that kind of thing. Oh let me back track a little...After our first encounter, we saw each other 3 additional times, the second time we sat down and talked for about 10 minutes and then the last we hugged and kept it moving. I know he knows I'm feeling him. I feel the need to let it go, to notice him...but not try to make him mine. ya dig?
If this was 2006...(lol) I'd definitely try to pursue him, but I'm feeling more like I need to just fall back and if say, God has him in mind for me...He'll come after me. I know that's the thing to do...but to pull back and refocus on other things is sometimes difficult...especially cause when he comes around...I tend to get distracted. Oh and I sense a bit of interest from him too...He initiated all of our conversations, told me he has a song he wants me to sing, plays with my kids, and said that he would come to my groups rehearsals on the weekend even tho he is committed to being elsewhere. :)
But anyway...I'm calming myself down. I tend to jump the gun a bit. I told u b4, it's kool being single. I used to wait for my phone to ring. Now I'm so trife...I screen EVERY phone call...and got the nerve to get an attitude if my phone rings too much...or too little. (so silly)
I had been talkin to a local "celebrity" also. I actually contacted him...just in a joking kinda way. My email was titled "you might as well marry me." lol. well wouldn't u know, it must have amused him...because we have been going back and forth since..and that was a few months back. He actually read my email on the "air" lmbo. who'da thunk it? We had emailed back and forth several times. I was getting tired of the cat and mouse and left him my number 2x and ultimately said 4get it. So he called me the last 2 weekends in a row. We spoke 2x and had a decent convo.
I didn't know what to make of it. He does a show in philly and chicago. I know women come at him all the time and that originally had me to the point of "nevermind, I don't care." But then he called me...I guess it's not a big deal. He said that we should go to a "show" next weekend. I don't know what to do. I definitely am not interested in being one of his groupies...but I don't wanna just cut off my nose to spite my face. I mean, how do I even know that he's really interested?
That's why I'ma just let it be. Que sera' sera'...because that's where my trust in God comes into play. ya know? If I believe that He's got all this under control, and that He will order my steps...ain't no need in my trying to manipulate anything. (and manipulation is definitely in my nature...just being real)
I'ma let go and let God and see what's the end gon' be...lol (i'm so church-a-fied) lol.
On another note...I met this man a few days back. As soon as I walked in the building I spotted him...more than likely it was his stature tho. He was very tall...maybe 6' 5"...probably about 300lbs. Caramel complexion...seemed quiet enough. Without ever directly acknowleding one another, we were both very aware of each other. Turns out he's a friend of mines brother. hmmm..
He's single, 30 something, and saved. He writes music and sings like...some kind of angel. My instinct is to think about it a little more... to flirt and all that kind of thing. Oh let me back track a little...After our first encounter, we saw each other 3 additional times, the second time we sat down and talked for about 10 minutes and then the last we hugged and kept it moving. I know he knows I'm feeling him. I feel the need to let it go, to notice him...but not try to make him mine. ya dig?
If this was 2006...(lol) I'd definitely try to pursue him, but I'm feeling more like I need to just fall back and if say, God has him in mind for me...He'll come after me. I know that's the thing to do...but to pull back and refocus on other things is sometimes difficult...especially cause when he comes around...I tend to get distracted. Oh and I sense a bit of interest from him too...He initiated all of our conversations, told me he has a song he wants me to sing, plays with my kids, and said that he would come to my groups rehearsals on the weekend even tho he is committed to being elsewhere. :)
But anyway...I'm calming myself down. I tend to jump the gun a bit. I told u b4, it's kool being single. I used to wait for my phone to ring. Now I'm so trife...I screen EVERY phone call...and got the nerve to get an attitude if my phone rings too much...or too little. (so silly)
I had been talkin to a local "celebrity" also. I actually contacted him...just in a joking kinda way. My email was titled "you might as well marry me." lol. well wouldn't u know, it must have amused him...because we have been going back and forth since..and that was a few months back. He actually read my email on the "air" lmbo. who'da thunk it? We had emailed back and forth several times. I was getting tired of the cat and mouse and left him my number 2x and ultimately said 4get it. So he called me the last 2 weekends in a row. We spoke 2x and had a decent convo.
I didn't know what to make of it. He does a show in philly and chicago. I know women come at him all the time and that originally had me to the point of "nevermind, I don't care." But then he called me...I guess it's not a big deal. He said that we should go to a "show" next weekend. I don't know what to do. I definitely am not interested in being one of his groupies...but I don't wanna just cut off my nose to spite my face. I mean, how do I even know that he's really interested?
That's why I'ma just let it be. Que sera' sera'...because that's where my trust in God comes into play. ya know? If I believe that He's got all this under control, and that He will order my steps...ain't no need in my trying to manipulate anything. (and manipulation is definitely in my nature...just being real)
I'ma let go and let God and see what's the end gon' be...lol (i'm so church-a-fied) lol.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
It would be fly, if u were my B-u-d-d-y
This picture has got to be a joke right? Can u believe how that man is posing, look @ his shoulders? I thought it was a riot, don't they just look...HAPPY?
ne way, have u heard that new song by Musiq, B-U-D-D-Y?
If so do you like it? i really am feeling the groove to that song...I LOVE Musiq almost as much as D'angelo and sweedish fish...almost. His soul, philly vibe is so tight. so as i listened i got the drift of what he was referring to. "friends with benefits"
LYRICS HERE
the song is so smooth that i wanted to be down with the message...
i let my mind wander back some to my last "buddy."
*flashbacks*
yeah, i'm glad i'm through that phase...
everyone has their different opinions and in this day and age, anything that is self beneficial is
the way to go. therefore, i'm almost embarassed to say that i'm past the whole "buddy" thing.
i'm just not built like that and the times that i tried it, i didn't like the emotionless person i was becoming. so, the "buddy" thing definitely isn't for me.
i think i'd be my own buddy first.pun intended.
doen't the "buddy" thing always get ruined? someone always catches feelings.
what about the times that "buddy" status isn't clearly laid out, and one person thinks they are in a REAL relationship.
anyway, i'll pass. i'm hoping that the next "buddy" i have will be my buddy for a lifetime.
btw, did u get the same meaning from the song?
OHHHH and do u just love this Robin Thicke or what???
Did you know his dad is Alan Thicke from Growing Pains? Some useless trivia 4 you.
ttyl
Sunday, January 14, 2007
In 2007
I suppose that although by now, you've heard it a bunch of times, it is still appropriate for me to say Happy New Years everyone!
I am happy to be in yet another year. The year 2006 tried in so many ways to steal from me...my joy, creativity, hope, perseeverence, patience, my life. BUT...it did not win!
I don't know what to expect this year, but I anticipate that better things areahead. So, rather than making a list of things I plan to do in 2007, I have decided to make a list of the things that I did in 2006. I've heard it said many, many times before that if you do the same things, you are assured to get the same results. I want different results in my life, so that calls for an assesment of me, my choices, attitudes, practices, and company. I think that's where change starts.
Good news is, the kids and I are finally at "home." I didn't have to have Christmas on the floor and furnishing my home is coming along...slowly but surely. Still I have a place to be, that's great. I have two new real estate clients and I am really focused on using my knowledge in real estate in other ways that aren't so coventional, or dependent on someone wanting to buy and sell with me as their agent.
I never thought or stayed inside of the box,living what others might describe as risky. I don't see it that way though...I live by faith. I see things differently. People all around me talk about what's logical, what makes sense, what's gonna work...and a part of me agrees but a deeper urging makes me stand my ground despite the disapproving stares and comments.
It has paid off in the past and I anticipate even greater returns.
So...in 2007, I don't want to do the same or expected things that I've done in the past. I'm looking forward...and meeting Ruben Studdard, who knows??
It could happen. :)
I am happy to be in yet another year. The year 2006 tried in so many ways to steal from me...my joy, creativity, hope, perseeverence, patience, my life. BUT...it did not win!
I don't know what to expect this year, but I anticipate that better things areahead. So, rather than making a list of things I plan to do in 2007, I have decided to make a list of the things that I did in 2006. I've heard it said many, many times before that if you do the same things, you are assured to get the same results. I want different results in my life, so that calls for an assesment of me, my choices, attitudes, practices, and company. I think that's where change starts.
Good news is, the kids and I are finally at "home." I didn't have to have Christmas on the floor and furnishing my home is coming along...slowly but surely. Still I have a place to be, that's great. I have two new real estate clients and I am really focused on using my knowledge in real estate in other ways that aren't so coventional, or dependent on someone wanting to buy and sell with me as their agent.
I never thought or stayed inside of the box,living what others might describe as risky. I don't see it that way though...I live by faith. I see things differently. People all around me talk about what's logical, what makes sense, what's gonna work...and a part of me agrees but a deeper urging makes me stand my ground despite the disapproving stares and comments.
It has paid off in the past and I anticipate even greater returns.
So...in 2007, I don't want to do the same or expected things that I've done in the past. I'm looking forward...and meeting Ruben Studdard, who knows??
It could happen. :)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Silence,Surfing,Shopping, RUBEN STUDDARD, Love, Life and Holiday Cheer!
Hey everyone...
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.
Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.
On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??
Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.
WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.
Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.
On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??
Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.
WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The Most Wonderful Time...
So it's Christmas time, and I usually LOVE all the excitement, the shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating...all that. This year things seemed to have rushed up on me...way too quickly. It's still so pretty out...the lights, the trees, even the Christmas music. Because of all the things going on, I haven't been able to just bask in the ambiance of the holidays. But it's ok.
My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...
I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"
My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...
I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"
Monday, December 04, 2006
watching tv
i love the idea of sitting back and relaxing while watching tv. but i can't do it. i am always preoccupied, i can never sit and watch an entire show.
AND i want to. :( do u ever have that problem?
i remember two summers ago...i literally spent a whole month of days sitting on my couch with my brother and jason watching movies. i miss being able to sit still and enjoy something.
apparently my brain has been working overtime for the past year. i don't even sleep good.i'm either in a coma and wake up confused...lol...or i wake up every coupla hours thinking about whatever was on my mind when my eyes first closed.
i have a tendency to self diagnose too. i have been having some memory loss and i asked a nurse what she thought caused it, and she told me it wasn't child birth (my assumption) but probably stress. i wanted to check so i looked it up on webmd and sure 'nuff...the top cause of short term memory loss was stress and anxiety.wow huh?
so, i'm trying to relax, pray, take it easy, breathe...and watch some tv dag on it, 'cause i don't know WHY i pay Comcast!
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