Silence,Surfing,Shopping, RUBEN STUDDARD, Love, Life and Holiday Cheer!

Hey everyone...
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.

Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.

On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??

Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.

WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

The Most Wonderful Time...

So it's Christmas time, and I usually LOVE all the excitement, the shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating...all that. This year things seemed to have rushed up on me...way too quickly. It's still so pretty out...the lights, the trees, even the Christmas music. Because of all the things going on, I haven't been able to just bask in the ambiance of the holidays. But it's ok.

My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...

I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

watching tv

i love the idea of sitting back and relaxing while watching tv. but i can't do it. i am always preoccupied, i can never sit and watch an entire show.

AND i want to. :( do u ever have that problem?

i remember two summers ago...i literally spent a whole month of days sitting on my couch with my brother and jason watching movies. i miss being able to sit still and enjoy something.

apparently my brain has been working overtime for the past year. i don't even sleep good.i'm either in a coma and wake up confused...lol...or i wake up every coupla hours thinking about whatever was on my mind when my eyes first closed.

i have a tendency to self diagnose too. i have been having some memory loss and i asked a nurse what she thought caused it, and she told me it wasn't child birth (my assumption) but probably stress. i wanted to check so i looked it up on webmd and sure 'nuff...the top cause of short term memory loss was stress and anxiety.wow huh?

so, i'm trying to relax, pray, take it easy, breathe...and watch some tv dag on it, 'cause i don't know WHY i pay Comcast!

You gotta b kiddin me!

that's all i wanna know.
i MUST have a sticker on my forehead that says:
" easy to hurt, FOOL...kick where ever!"
i can't believe what my weekend has consisted of. wow.

let's begin with....
my bdiddy was supposed to get the kids this weekend. he calls and asks me to bring them to him since he didn't have the vehicle he normally drives. he said he was getting a ride home and should be there around 5pm. so i reluctantly agree to bring them to him. i get there at 6pm and not only is he no where to be found, but his mother tells me that he had the car ALL DAY.
wow.
so i drive away.furious! headed to church for choir rehearsal and my tire blows on the highway.
i limped the car for a mile to a gas station and was able to get the donut on. double furious.
anyway, once things get better with the car...i gather my composure and arrive to church late.
one of the young girls had asked me to do her hair. i agreed...but when i get to rehearsal..i don't see her. i found out she was there, but just in another part of the building.
so when she comes to me, i sit her down to do her hair and it was FILTHY. then her sister comes in the room saying their ride was about to leave. so i put her scarf back on and tell her to find out if she was leaving and that i thought she needed to go home anyway because her hair needed to be washed. she never returned to tell me anything, so i assumed she left with her ride.
i start practicing with my group and about 30 minutes into my practice my dad's wife comes in the room to say something to someone in there and then she leaves. maybe 15 minutes after that i see my dad. (who wasn't at the church and looked like he had just walked outta his house) he looks like something is wrong and motions for me to come to him.
so i get up and walk over to him and he proceeds to tear me a new one.
i was like, "what's wrong?" he said, "it's unacceptable that those kids were down stairs in the sanctuary in the dark"...and so on. I was like, "dad! i didn't even know they were he..."
He cut me off and said there was no excuse. So now, I'm furious again...and frustrated and confused. Now I am the co-youth director at our church, but there were 3 other adults there...including the other youth director and my dad's wife had JUST left, right before he walked in the door.
Not to mention that I had not brought any of the youth there and I wasn't taking anyone home. Once they left (i thought with their rides) I was off duty. Three of the children that were there were with their guardian and the other ones had manuevered their way out of leaving with their ride, without EVER telling me that they were still there, needed a ride or anything. ugh.i guess they figure...oh we can tell Chandra anything...she'll go for the oki-doke.

So now my dad's mad at me, I'm pissed at the kids, and what do you know????
I get a phone call from this girl's mom saying that she had to "pray before I called you, so I wouldn't go off." I just said, "okay."
why was my girlfriend was in the background almost doing flips she was so angry...she was lip syncing "hang up!...what is she saying???...give me the phone!" lol
i just handled the call and the mom said that she was gonna handle the girl, but that i should never have trusted HER daughter because she is only 13. so. ok.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....of course, b-diddy, back on tha scene. tryna see what else he can shake up. i NEVER go for it easily...but he always wears me down. So he begs me to come see him, he needed to "talk" to me and he said he would get my tire fixed. i said no and went home to go to sleep. he called about 8 times between last night and this morning trying to convince me to come over. After the fifth call this mornin, I say "ok"
All this, after he had tried to convince me that it was "over" between he and his girlfriend.
hmmm??? i shoulda knew better.
so i when i got there, the phone rings. it was her. u know how u can just tell by the body language? so he sees me out of the corner of his eye and he says to her, "i'ma call u back."
i'm thinkin "here we go." so i said calmly, "why LaMar" as soon as I said that...He hangs up on her. So she proceeds to keep calling back to back. I'm like "pick up the phone" ...lmbo. so now he just wants me to leave. He gave me the money for the tire and says ..."leave."
I wasn't going for it that easily tho. So she calling...he's picking up every other call...and don't u know she asked to speak to me?
So he hands me the phone...
her: what's going on?
me: what do you think?
her: what do u mean?
me: u know what's up, i don't have nothing else to say.
*click*
of course the phone keeps ringing. all i can think is...this is so stupid. i kept hearing that Toni Braxton song playing in my head. (download it...it's called STUPID)
He is an idiot and I STILL love him. that's downright DUMB.

Remember...a few post backs, I wrote about two sides of me?? That weak side revisited. I can't wait for a fresh slate tommorow. Cause these last two days have been OFF the hook. sheesh.

relationships

i just thought it would b cute to post this pic. this is me and my ex-boyfriend (not husband) lmbo. he and i are still very kool. but i just got news that he is not doing so well...and it just makes me sad. but i hope that his life can be turned around. **hey u, in the pic...u won't read this, at least for a few months. but i pray for you often. God loves you baby, and so do i.

i was thinking today...

actually for the last few weeks, relationships and love have been on my mind.

but i'm not referring to just relationships with the opposite sex, but in general.

i have learned so much over the past 7 weeks that my church has been collectively doing a study called 40 Days of Community. It has done wonders for me to clarify a lot of things, and to emphasize the importance of relationships. God made us to have friendships and family relationships...it is not by chance, we need each other, we make each other better, we strengthen each other, we encourage each other, we bring joy and happiness to one another, and we help complete each other.

i was recently shocked at this girl i know...i heard her telling someone that she didn't like her family, so she wasn't gonna spend the holidays with them. rather, she opted to stay home alone. her entire immediate family was together and wanted her to come...but she didn't care. i was amazed at that.

one of the major things that i've learned is that all real relationships are WORK. anything that isn't tested often is not for real. it is so important to make room for people, their idiosynchrocies, bad habits or whatever else. none of us are perfect and a part of building relationships is accepting people and being understanding about those "ways" that they may have that rub us the wrong way. i sure want to be accepted and loved just like i am.

i'm not saying that we have to stay in toxic or abusive relationships, but i am saying that not everyone who does something that is irritating should be cut off. perfect example, i recently made a new friend. Her name is Tasha, she is beautiful, intelligent, and she can SANG her hiny off! but when i met Tasha...she made a comment about the Chex Mix i was eating(lmbo)...she said, "that's not good for you." i said, "you don't even know what it is." she responded, "well whatever it is, it isn't good for you." i just rolled my eyes and kept it moving. but i later told a mutual friend that i could already tell that i wasn't gonna mix well with her.

But now, I love her so much, it's stoopid. *hehehe* it has only been maybe 9 months since we first met. i honestly believe that God brought us into each other's lives right on time. we are helping each other thru some crazy stuff...even now. she pushes me. she believes in me, when i'm like, "i can't do that." she'll say, "you didn't even try." i dig that SO much. that's all i ever wanted in a friendship...i don't have to be anything but me with her. and her with me.

now how hot is that??

and just to think that i was about to dismiss her the day i met her...lmbo

yes, there r things about her that make me wanna scream. she is a bit of a perfectionist, i think she worries too much about what people think and how things appear, she has an aggressive personality, a little diva at times...all the things that irritate me about MYSELF. (lol)

i almost walked out on our friendship already more than once...because it is not easy.

but i won't take the easy route out..because we are gifts to each other.

the other night...i was going through. i felt like i was on the verge of a break down. i had an appointment to meet with her at her crib. so i showed up, but things weren't going according to plan. i was getting ready to leave without saying what was on my heart. she said, "Chan, what's going on with the *****?" I stopped in my tracks because it was the exact issue i was stressed about. i couldn't believe it, so i said, "what made u ask me that?" she said she didn't know. so i started telling her...and broke down crying.

she grabbed my hand and said," let's pray." we walked in another room, away from the kids and she, i, and our friend Marcus began to pray. she and Marcus prayed for me...i couldn't talk, i could hardly breathe between sobs. i've never quite had something so powerful initiated by my friends before. it was amazing.

relationships really are so precious. and are worth the work.

i'm learning so much about genuine LOVE. and starting with loving myself, i'm not settling for that psuedo stuff anymore. i recognize the real deal. i'm doing just fine right now too, "single, saved, satisfied", and better than okay!!

Why I'm Cheesing...

Ignore the date on my pic. the calender is not set on my cam. i'm not tech savvy...but i can click. lol.
ne way, r u wondering why i am cheesin here in this pic?
well, it's because my dad had just blessed the food and said "dinner is served!!" :)
now that's just greedy. lmbo.
honestly, i was just really happy to be with my family and enjoying thanxgiving. it's been a great two days. but do you wanna know why my face is still looking just like tha picture?
it's called BLACK FRIDAY!!!
listen, this mornin i was the early bird....and boy if i didn't get the dag on worm.!!! *whewweee*
my brother and i got to Circuit City at 4:40 am, but the line was stooopid. he was frustrated so we left...our next stop was Wally world. we got there at 5:00. the line was long but it was moving quick. we got in there and i was feeling dazed and confused cause it was a crazy barrage of folx fighting for carts...my brother was nearby and caught eye contact with me and said "BOGARD!" then i got the umph i needed to grab a cart and push thru the crowd. I was like, "thanx for the pep talk brah!"
so we started moving toward electronics and i almost fell down laughing because i couldn't get over the grown behind MEN power walking through the underwear section to get to electronics. it was a good thing we took the same route 'cause we found the TV my brother wanted hidden in the isle after the underwear...far from the electronic section...we saw those TVs and was like "jackpot!" we high fived!!!

then he said...we need another cart. so he peeked around the corner and saw an abandoned cart...he looked around then grabbed that joint. we decided to split up since we couldn't move around the electronic section...it was like 200 people tryna get in.

i dipped off to housewares and got everything i could find on sale. (lmbo) my bro was tryna get to electronics to get a portable dvd player...well...i was in housewares getting my slow cookers and coffee pots, and i discover an abandoned portable dvd...i snatched it up so quick and called my brother's cell phone to tell him he no longer had to fight the barbarians!!! ha!

we met in the isle and high fived again!!! YES!!
we went to the cash register and cleaned up for under $200....whew!!!!
we skipped our happy grown behinds outta there.
then we decided to swing past Sears on a whim. we got there around 5:45....and they gave $10 gift cards to the first 200 customers. SO....we both got one of them. :)

we were able to get my son a nice huffy bike, some jewelry for my baby girl, my brother got a bunch of clothes and toys for the babies...and some other random stuff...
we felt like we were stealing.

we did all that, ate breakfast...and now i gotta get my butt to the office. i'm on floor 9am-12pm.i'm gonna be cheesing all the way there. ahhh...moments like these are priceless. for everything else, there's mastercard.

wow. i'm dumb.

ttyl :)

a snippet from my life

have u ever heard that if you r bad or don't believe in santa you'll get coal for christmas?
well here is my 4yr old's version of that: *riding in the car going home...

jojo: santa is gonna come. santa sees what we're doing. santa and jesus know what we're doing.

(*ok...don't even comment. i teach truth and allow some childhood fantasy)

yaya(oldest son):humph

jojo: i don't care if you don't believe in santa. i believe in santa.

yaya:whatever

jojo:if you don't believe in santa, you're gonna get a COLD for christmas. so now.

*dead* i love my kids.

hmm...they say BLACK PEOPLE DON"T READ

Read this article, supposedly written by a white man about Blacks and tell me how you feel about what is being said.


THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES
We can continue to reap profits from theBlacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the currentmethods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE, GREED,and SELFISHNESS. Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment. A great man oncesaid, "The best way to hide something from Black people is to put it ina book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of theirfight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous booksreadily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com, not tomention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints toreach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along),but few read consistently, if at all.

GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. Blacks, since theabolition of slavery, have had large amounts of money at their disposal.Last year they spent 10 billion dollar s during Christmas, out of their450 billion dollars in total yearly income (2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture wecare to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Beingprimarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed. Theycontinually want more, with little thought for saving or investing. They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness. Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy orFUBU, And they still think that having a Mercedes, and a big house givesthem "Status" or that they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue tosee huge profits like those of Tommy and Nike (Tommy Hilfiger has evenjeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look at how thefools spend more with him than ever before!). They'll continue to showoff to each other while we build solid communities with the profits fromour businesses that we market to them.

SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Duboissaid that there was an innate division in their culture. A "TalentedTenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there aresegments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success.However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't readthat the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-TalentedNinety Percent in achieving a better life. Instead, that segment hascreated another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people oraids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what wehave. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to work togetheron any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get together,their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal Theirso-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their namewithout making any real change in thei r community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels,and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the bestspeakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness?They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but oneor two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the controlof our pens in our offices and our rooms.

Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to read,continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping"their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little otherthan hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worryabout any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!

(Prove them wrong. Please pass this on! After Reading it..)

***so what do u guys think??***

My Hope is In God

"No one whose hope is in YOU
will ever be put to shame"
Psalm 25:3 a

Up tooo early

so it's 4 something Tuesday morning and I'm WIDE awake. I want to go back to sleep because I'm pretty sure I'll pay for my alertness a little later in the day.God is good.
lots and lots on my mind.

time is rushing by, and there are some advantages to that...i'm a little afraid that it'll rush right by me, without me getting the things done that need to be done. ugh. i'm up against a deadline and that is crazy, not to mention that my day ahead is packed. i have a client to take out, and other such running around to do.

i know, that somehow it will work out. i have faith that the things that seem overwhelming will ultimately come together just in the way it should.

i told Treen, i'd help her paint today...and to be honest, even tho I have fifty other things to do at work, that is my priority. So maybe i'll take a change of clothes with me, so I can get dirty and paint at least a wall...or a door way, or something. lol

i was able to see my friend from Trinidad. it turned into a way more pleasant visit than i'd have ever expected or have been able to predict. so that's good. he got to sit in on one of my rehearsals with my group and he seemed to really enjoy that. i really love, how committed he is to the Lord. it is rare...and refreshing. i'm just happy things worked out.

well...lemme do something with myself...go to sleep, pray...something.
until later

Liquid Sunshine...My Life

today is a rainy day here in the northeast. it's kool tho, the kids had off for some reason or another. so we chilled. but my morning started off stressful. it was a test, how was i gonna react to the craziness. i had to have a certain amount of money, my cell wasn't operating, the needed money wasn't in my account, and my friend from Trinidad called and told me he'd be arriving in philly around 1pm. i felt like my head was gonna pop. not to mention, this place needed to be cleaned, i needed to start getting things in order around here...time to start purging and packing.
so i figured, i gotta just roll with it, i prayed "God you see what's going on, I know you're gonna show up."
i needed to take that money somewhere by noon, and my friend...well i wanted to entertain him. so my frustration level was rising. ugh....

so i started straightening everything and throwing stuff away and all, then i get a call from the lady i had planned to meet and she tells me it's ok if i come tommorow. *phew* then my Trini friend calls and says he has to reschedule until next week. *double phew*
so i ended up being able to relax a little, work from home a little, and be in a stress free and much more organized enviornment!

everything turned out ok. God is good, and things always work out, i'm starting to see the pointless-ness (lol) of worry. i'm learning a bunch, my perception of things is way more important than i ever thought! i know about the rain in life...but sometimes when it rains, the sun stays shining and the rain doesn't seem so bad, it's almost beautiful. :) that's my life.

on a silly note, i put on some jeans today...that i normally hate...but for some reason today, they made me look like i had a nice hiny...*hehehe*
i love that, i mean it's no "delicious" (from flavor of luv)...lol...but it's aiight.

seriously tho, i'm hopeful about the things that are going on in general in my life. i have to go pick up my brother from the train station in an hour...i'm glad he's coming.:) unfortunately, we have to sing in a funeral on saturday. a lady from my church, probably under 40 died suddenly. it's really sad and shattering for many of us. what's worse is that she was a single mom of two boys...both under 11. The oldest is one of the kids in the choir i direct. so you know my heart is crushed...i went to see him, he seemed ok, but i told him and his grandmom that i was gonna be here, for whatever and everything and that if he needed rides, or just wanted to get out, i am here.

everytime i think about the coming service, i feel like someone punched me in the stomach. i can imagine how he feels, because i been there, and i was 15...he's not even a teenager yet.

so pray for the Ward family. thanx. and if u live up here, go play in the rain. :)

((hugz)) everyone!
~chan

Foolishness and Excitement

i have lots and lots on my mind.
some great, some strange, some unnerving.

i feel violated because...
i was just on the phone with my exhusband and he asked me if i went to the "picture people" on monday. and i got this eery feeling...like i was being watched. that crap pissed me off.
so i said yeah, how'd u know? he said his girlfriend saw me and the family coming out of there and reported to him. (at least i looked cute...lol)
why am i so irked by it? because she observed me and the kids and my other family members and never said hello...or let us know she was there. covert op???
lmbo. it just irked me. but whatever.
i swore i wasn't gonna go here on this blog, since i know he and more than likely she are visitors to this blog. but ooooooooh well.

i'm ticked off because he has created this whole picture of me and our situation to his girlfriend and his family that I won't let him see his children.
what's crazy is that, i probably want them to have a relationship with their daddy more than he wants it with them. :( probably. this man will go weeks and not call, he works in the TOWN we live in and never stops by...and when i mention that to him, he says that he doesn't want to come over and have "drama" with me...
my mind is blown everytime he repeats this lie to me. in all the years, thru all the bs we've been thru...i've NEVER given that man grief about coming to see or spend time with his kids.
i used to be the pursuer...calling him every other weekend to see if he was gonna take the kids.
i recently stopped that, and therefore he is in the position to initate his visits, but he rarely does. he got them last weekend because for whatever reason he felt like being a dad, and called to get them after a month. perhaps the people around him were asking about the kids. i dunno.
but i honestly know the truth. i know what's behind his sudden inability to even be civil with me.
but i won't say...but i know. the anger that comes out of him toward me can only come from one thing. so i just breathe easy, and say to myself..."it's alright." Trina was just talking to me about it this weekend...she knows what it is too. It's sad when you can't be honest with yourself..you know? When your existence becomes a lie and the lie becomes the truth. *smh* But life keeps moving, no matter what direction you choose, u know?

i am actually okay with it being over between us and him moving on with his life. i'm happy for him, and especially if somewhere in the deal he becomes a better father. i even secretly hope that he marries this girl, or some girl and makes it official. :) good and gooder...lol
but for now, i'm not ready for him to be having family outings with the kids and this woman and her kids. my children, especially my oldest have expressed that they dislike the her...and that is to be expected, so I don't weigh it too heavily. Still, I don't ignore it either...kids are BS detectors. you know?

The thing is, that I've learned that my children are way too precious to expose to different men that come in and out of my life. So with the exception of one man that I was with (which I now wish i could change) they haven't been around anyone. I feel like in the situation with their father, it should be the same thing. Sure, he's an adult...but he's got a track record of being irresponsible and not making the best decisions for himself or our kids. One of which almost killed our daughter...but that's a whole 'nother post. or not.

Everytime, I try to have an adult, calm conversation with him about this or anything pertaining to our parental partnership it goes sour. He tells me that it's "one-sided" that side being mine, of course. Then I think to myself...hmmmm....
yes it might be one-sided...
seeing as how you have the option to be daddy or not. sh** ,you can take a week or two or even a few months off and be just fine. but, when they are struggling in school, or needing some fatherly discipline or instruction...i have to provide that. i am always mommy, always daddy, always working, always providing...even when child support doesn't come.
i remember when he called me to say "i'ma be taking off for 6 weeks, so you won't be getting C/S." i just laughed to myself and took it on the chin. i wish i could "take off" providing.
yeah, the conversation mighta been a bit one-sided since i take the boys to get their hair cut, and i to take them to try outs, wipe their tears, rub sick tummys, take them to the eye doctors, pay for school pictures, new clothes, shoes, underwear, food, snacks, endless field trips and trips to the laundromat, book fairs, school fund raisers, mommy-can- i-haves, trips to the movies,bowling, parites, costumes, need i go on??? i have to help with homework after a long day of working, read and sign an endless bevy of paperwork from school, drive them everywhere and pick them up. i have to push my body, when i'm about to fall over. it's just me. i don't have anyone else besides God. (and He is enough) I'm NOT complaining, but my ex-husband gets them on the weekend he chooses? and scoffs at me when He feels like the conversation is one-sided??? wow.

and to think, all this from a man...who all i ever did was love?
sure we both made mistakes. but i never stopped loving that man,
or being in his cheering section. and i know he knows that, because
no matter where each of us were in life...
who we were with, seperated or together, when life came at him
hard...I was always who He called.

but this, along with all the other things in life that seem unjust
i try to take in stride. you know? keep moving forward,
keep pressing into being the wonderful woman that the
struggles (God has allowed) have made me into.

my grandfather told me something...
he told me how to handle this situation, before He died.
He told me that I need to regain control of my heart
and my circumstances. It was his last wish for me,
and he told me how to do it. I thought it was extreme
but He was right...."Yes grandaddy, I will do more than just hear you"

On the other side of all of this...I just got some of the best news EVER.
Something I have anticipated for a long time, prayed about, hoped about
is happening for me. It is an amazing dream come true!!!
God is still in the blessing business! I know, when I think of this blessing
that the hardships and the heartache have not gone unnoticed by God.
He is blessing me immeasurably! and He is promoting me in crazy ways!!

Remember I said I was on the verge of something big...
It's all starting to unfold, and I have never been more grateful!!

♥((hugs)) everyone!♥

~chan

***oh and i had the chance to speak to j.♥ ♥ i been hoping to see him and i saw him the other day and had the courage to say something to him, it turned into a half hour convo and it just feels good!! :) ***

On the Verge of Something

i don't know why i ever leave the "drawing board" because i keep coming back to it.
it's almost funny, my life is about a continual return to the basics.
i'm not much for explaining right now.

everything is pretty much the same. my life, for the last year has been on the verge of...
that's pretty much the same. my situation is impossible. but i believe in a God that laughs at the impossible. i have days and moments when my faith can't be shaken, then there are those moments when worry, doubt and fear slip in and grip me.

so i'm praying on that.

i did get good news today. i have a client who was just preapproved for a loan and is ready to purchase. i have another i'll be taking out next week, one who is working on securing financing...today i also got two referrals. One buyer, one renter.
You see?? on the verge.

there is always opportunity to complain. but i'm not taking the bait.
my children are good. i'm getting really busy with the young folx
at my church, and the music thing.

i need to buy a car. get this, i called leron
he's a car salesman. lol.
i told him i wanted to buy a car, i figured i'd
give him some business. he told me he'd "have to think about it" and that he wasn't sure he "wanted to see me." i just laughed. silly man.i'm not gonna buy a car there, i just wanted to see what he was gonna say.
but yeah, my hoopty is getting sick. that Honda done me good and i just don't want her to
die a horrible death...she deserves to RIP. *hehehe
maybe she can hold on til january??? i dunno.

i'm tired of the verge. i'm tired of the drawing board...
i'm ready for the next thing.


~chani-diamonds-girl (lol)

PRECIOUS

i just thought i'd share this photo of my babies...
well my nephews (but they r like my babies!)

aren't they precious???

CHANDRA

Meanining of CHANDRA: Eminent, Illustrious.


that's pretty kool!

two sides of me

i feel very strongly like i am more than one person.
now don't get me twisted...lol. i'm not admitting to some multiple personality disorder or n e thing, lol. it's just that...i'm so in tune with my "inner me."

on one hand, i'm clear about so many things in life. i know what is right, and wrong. i know how to make decisions, i know how to advise people younger than me. i know exactly what i desire in a mate...and i'm ultra atriculate when it comes to writing my thoughts...i'm firm (mostly) when disciplining my children, about my faith, and business. i learn quickly, and i'm good at alot of things....

then there is this other side of me that keeps messing things up for me.
i get worried, flighty and even passive when it comes to matters of the heart and body.
i'm overly emotional at times and allow my self to be taken advantage of in more ways than one.
when it comes to speaking my thoughts...everything gets jumbled. i mean i have been told that i speak well...but they don't know my struggle. because i think faster than i can put it all together verbally...lol. i'm easily influenced in some situations, i allow guilt or emotions or feeling bad for someone else make me say yes in situations where my heart is screaming a resounding "HELL NO!" this is the side of me that hasn't grown up, that is still a sixteen year old girl.

this is the side of me that my ex husband always manipulated in my past. the side that many people (mainly men) tap into when they see a hint of its existence.

it seems like in the situations that i need to be the strongest is when this side of me takes over.
i'm so angry about being like this. the strong side of me is down right pissed off! i know better than to be a pushover...to allow others to make up my mind for me. i'm way too strong willed, strong minded. but this achilles heel, persists.
what is it? how do i change it...i have been trying to pep talk myself. i've tried to just do it...i've tried a bunch of angles at fixing this problem...even a prayer here and there.

that's the problem...i just gotta commit this to prayer.

do u have a similar problem?

saying goodbye sux

i got home from california last night.
i had the opportunity to say "goodbye" to my grand daddy.
(remember the one who was paying my cell bill)

i thought that i was going to be ok. i thought i was not gonna take it so hard. well i was wrong.
my heart was and is just broken. the moment i walked in the house, i saw pictures of my granddaddy on the counter. the fam had to decide which to use on the program...
i was trying to get something to eat and all of a sudden my hunger subsided and my eyes filled up...
i had to run outside so my gramma didn't see me cry.
then at the wake, i snuck in ahead of the family because i didn't wanna fall out in front of everyone when i saw his body in the casket.
i stood in the back and saw his profile in the casket and felt like someone punched me in my stomach....

that's only a small portion of what my last 4 days were like. but he was buried in the National Cemetery. They let us stand and watch as they lowered his casket into a vault, and then the vault in the ground...
i kept saying, "That's it...that's it."
the finality is unbelievable....i just had a few more things i needed to say to him.
i just wanted to stand at his coffin and keep rubbing his chest longer than i did and never leaving.

i wasn't ready to say goodbye for the LAST time, i wasn't ready for the casket to close, i wasn't ready to see him the LAST time...i wasn't ready to watch his remains disappear into the earth...

fam, i just wasn't ready.
i'm still not. but it's over.

i'm so glad that i believe that i will see my grand daddy again in heaven...so our goodbye is not final. but never the less...saying good bye to someone i love so much, is the worst thing i've ever experienced.

*the pic is my grand daddy and mommy

fyi

just wanted u all to know my grand daddy died a few hours ago.
i feel like i don't know what to do.
i have to leave for california this weekend.
pray for our family.

~chan

The Hapz With Diamonds??

so...
i figured i'd blog and update u all a little bit.
it looks like before Christmas i'll be returning to the blog world full force (or at least with more force..lol)
i am stilllllllllllll in the home buying process which is CRAZY. but God.

where do i start???

well i'm happy. the kids are GREAT, my twinz just turned 6 yesterday!!!
*clapping*
and u know me, so u KNOW i'm throwing yet anotha party...lol
but it'll b this weekend at an undisclosed location and an undisclosed
time and date (i have internet stalkers....*smh)
but i've invited about 10 kids and i already got my goodie bags all
set up. i think my daddy is buying tha cake and i'm doing the rest...
the place that we are going will entertain the kids and that's a load off
at least i don't have to get a clown or get up and act silly myself to
keep them happy....*i've done that in the past too..lol*

since the twinz are in 2 classes i had to take 48 cupcakes to school.
i couldn't get over the number of cupcakes...i'm still in shock. (lol)
but they had a GREAT time and that's all i care about. :)

i have two other properties to show her...so i'm just believing it will still work out.

my kids are loving school and want to sign up for EVERYTHING. i feel lost cause i want them to do everything they wanna do, but i just can't. we missed football season, but basketball season is here and my daughter wants to dance, and they all wanna do the SCOUTS and they are all in drama class through my church. Nothing is free mind you, so it can be overwhelming at times.
So i'm just trying to figure out what to say yes to and what to say next time to....hmmm???


i bought Beyonce's cd "BDAY" and u already know what I'm gon say huh??? I LOVEDED IT!!! lol yes, that's right I wrote LOVE-DED...lol
two songs on there i could do without, but i really dig it.
it's definitely different but everynow and then me and the kids put it
on and be gettin bodied!! lol
we all be dancin and laughin at each other *priceless*
oooh...and i got it at walmart b4 they sold out so i got the dvd too!

um les see....what else? i'm still in luv wit myspace. oh well....i luv my fam and we really keep in touch thru it. also i'm singing in a new group...which is great. it's me, another woman (Tasha) who brings out the ABSOLUTE best in me and a great guy (Marcus)...who plays for us and ALWAYS can hear our parts and help us. (he'z da bomb!)
we already got a gig on sunday...can u believe it??
God ain't no joke when He do what He do!!!

i used to direct the youth choir and b the youth director at my church a few years back. i was ousted out of the director position and resigned from the choir position. well, i have been ask to step back in....and honestly i'm amazed and grateful and happy to step into place.
we are doing a back to skool skate next month and we are starting our own Gospel Cafe' in conjunction with a much larger and established cafe' that runs in philly...

so things are moving. you know, that's how life is.
it moves and we can either stand with our jaws dropped as it rushes by
or we can grab the reigns and move with it.
i kept feelin stagnant, my growth didn't feel evident....
but in time all things come to the light, and i'm seeing the light.
that's a great thing.

oh b4 i run...on the dating front (since i alwayz tell u ALL my biz)
i am totally single. i done had to kick Leron to tha curb for the
ump-teenth time. *hehehe*
a nice guy met me (u like how i put that) and he has
not been shy in pursuing me. while it is nice, right now i'm
so clear on the fact that now is just not the time in my life
for anything serious. he's sweet tho, and saved, and got a good job.
In the meantime, i'm single and enjoying being mommy and
making something worthwhile out of my life.

whew! long post, but i had a lot to tell u...more to come REAL soon.

Chan "Diamonds, rubies....n so on"

Can't Stop Crying (poetic prose)

*a song inspired this...and altho i've had all these feelings before, it really isn't that bad right now, i'm moving on in my life and i'm very happy to be FREE.

You made me cry
so many times.
loving u wasn't easy,
gave u my whole life.
i wish u appreciated
the woman i am.
prayed and stood by your side
and today i stand alone.
your babies i carried
make it hard to let go.
another man...
sees what you left of me.
i remember feeling
like i wasn't good enuf.
what did she have on me?
u said goodbye
like
everything is alright.
and when it's all over
i still stand alone
tears
rolling
down
my face,
trickles down my pillow
an endless stream.
and i don't even
want u no more
just want the hurt to go
just want the rewards
for being so good in love.
and right when i think
it's all over,
these eyes well up
the dam breaks
the flood falls...
a broken heart
that can't be mended.
a broken woman
that just don't get it
why?
i glanced in the mirror
and i'm entranced at
the glassy eyes looking back
trying to trap
those illusive drops
but
they
won't
be
held
back
for the last coupla years
i haven't stopped cryin
and just cause u
can't see the tears
don't mean a thing
cause
i'm cryin inside.
somewhere there's healing for me
the mourning 's gon' leave...
these precious tears
i don' cried have
been counted and
are worst than blood
on your hands...
i'm wait'n
but for now
it hurts so bad
that i
cant help but cry...
Chandra Wood 9/06