The scary thing...

Have you ever seen something in yourself that was scary? I mean have you ever heard yourself say something that you couldn't believe you said? Or felt a way that in your idealized self you never would? The answer is more than likely yes.
Today I read someone's blog and she was talking about how evil she was today. It made me think because earlier today, I sent an email that wasn't nasty but straight forward to a fault. On the other hand I began composing another email that was going to be extremely emotionally bare and sweet.
I think we are capable of surprising ourselves because to some extent we are constantly discovering more and more, no matter how old we are. Somethings we may never find about ourselves...if our circumstances never push us to.
For instance, unless you've been abused you don't know how you would react in the situation. Or unless you are in a life threating situation, you don't know what you are capable of doing in order to survive. These are extreme cases...but the same is true in life altogether.
I was always sweet, nice, innocent but time, hurt, and experiences have exposed an uglier side of me. The things that if another person called me on, I'd deny.

I remember visualizing a way I could vandalize my ex mother-in-law's house. I was thinking about taking off my shoes (since the driveway was noisy gravel) tip-toeing slowly up to the house at night and slashing every tire on all three cars in the driveway and spray painting BITCH across the garage. I was serious tho, and that was scary...
The circustance pushed me. She was suing me for an unsubstantiated amount of money that she claimed to have loaned me and her son throughout the years we were married. Even claiming to have given me money to buy diapers on several occassions...I wanted to scream at the thought. I wish she woulda paid for them dag on diapers!!! Then she was trying to sue me for visitation of my kids...which she already had because my ex was living with her and he had them every other weekend. She tried everything...all the way to slander to hurt me. She made the ugly come out.

Then, at the end of my realationship with my ex-boyfriend...I found some text messages he had sent to this other chick about me saying things like..."i don't really want her" and "i'm just trying to get her to drop this restraining order" (a whole nutha story) When I read those text messages...I saw RED. I had been thru a bunch of crap with him, and loved him through it...but that??
No sir. He was living with me. So before he came home from work...I threw ALL of his clothes out on the street and locked him out. See that nigro pulled the ugly out.
He was beggin and crying. But I wasn't beat...and when I finally opened the door it was to fight him...I mean I know he could probably beat me..but I wanted to fight. I started pushing him and chasing after him...but he kept running telling me he didn't wanna F me up. He wasn't running from me as much as he was running from going to jail...refer back to the restraining order. lol...ugliness
(btw, I wasn't snooping..he'd sold his phone to my brother without erasing the texts..my brother, who didn't care for him, eagerly showed me the horrid text messages!)

Yeah, so certain situations have caused me to act in ways that when I take a step back...blows my mind. But realization is freeing and the only way that I can change. It's also the reason that I love God, He loves me anyway.

It ain't EVEN that serious!

I've found, over the last, let's say week or so, that some stuff just ain't that serious. As I said to you I've moved back home and getting settled is always consuming. So I've been away from the computer and from some of my regular correspondences and so on. I don't pay my cell phone...and unfortunately the person who does recently got into some financial straits, so my phone is temporarily (I hope..lol) off. So I haven't recieved many calls...with the exception of about 3 of the persistent who've chased me down @ my otha number. At first I was distressed about the lack of communication with certain folx, stressed about not keeping up with my blogspot...and all that kinda thing. Then one day I just decided that aw, it ain't that serious...I'm not gonna die without it...lol
I was talking to my girl today. She told me that an aquaintance of ours and she would be going out on Friday. I immediately felt myself getting a little possesive. I had to slow my roll...I've always been very protective of my friends, but I've matured a lot and when I feel those sorts of feelings now, I get a grip. I had to take a deep breathe and realize (again) that her other relationships DON'T have any bearing on our relationship. Come on Chan! It's not that serious...so I woo saaah'ed and let it go.
On another note, I have a slightly older (10 or so yrs) male "friend"...who has been that for about 18months now. He has always been consistent and sometimes convenient. So to speak. I was talking to him the other day and while we were on the phone he was flirting with another woman(at his gig)...all the while calling me baby and asking when was I coming to visit. So I say to him "hey, u need me to call u back?" He insists that I stay on the phone. Then he puts me on hold. So after about point 2 seconds I bang. "I'll be dag on..." (lol) So he calls back like babe, why u hang up? I coulda told him but you know what???.....that's right it ain't that serious. So we kept talking and he asked me to come over and since I was frying fish for dinner to bring him a plate. I said "I'll be there." We hung up. I said to myself "humph, I ain't going." Listen, I am not even a little bit beat to have this man even pretend to think like he's playing me...another youngin in his arsenal...no sir. It ain't even serious like that, so I stayed home.
Continuing on, I called my self being stressed out about some fake, non existent...even if it did exist meaningless drama between myself and whoever. I took a step back from the situation and thought...are you kidding me? In the big scheme of things, and stuff that matters this don't. To each it's own...experience is a teacher...I ain't got anotha word to say, cause it really ain't even serious like that.
The same thing goes for the crap I been dealing with from my ex...pish posh. I confided in him something that had happened to me that was so embarrasing and hurtful that I'd only told two other people in earnest. Do you know this guy told my kids and made a joke out of it? After pretending to be supportive. My kids? They r babies...they didn't even know what they were saying when they repeated his words. I confronted him on it and he just laughed it off. God brought that to my remembrance today....He doesn't love me. Even though he says he does, all the time. He doesn't wish the best for me...to him it's all competition...to me it has always been love. But you know what??? I thank God for freedom and clarity...If you're reading...man, you think you still got control...but whatever has held me in the past, it ain't that serious...and it's in the past.

*Ain't no feeling like being free When your mind's made up

And your hearts in the right place, yeah

Ain't no feeling like being free

When you've done all you could

but was misunderstood

(It's all good, it's all good)

Ain't no feeling like being free

I'm like an eagle set free

finally I'm looking out for me

Ain't no feeling like being free

Cause my minds made up

And my heart is in the right place, yeah

Life is too short to get caught up and twisted up in stressin over a bunch of things that are meaningless...you know?

o btw, I have a "semi" internet stalker...it's kinda crazy. Dood just popped up outta no where. He sent me a nice email or two, so I sent one back and said thanx for the nice words...ever since i done got about 12 consecutive emails...that kinda got me trippin. So I'm like whoa man! I mean, I'm sure you're cool and all...but 12 emails in a row...is it that serious??

*Ne way... to any of ya'll that still stop thru and show a sista luv by reading and by saying wssup in my comments...thanx.

It's a New Year!

Hey!
Lot's has gone on over these past two weeks. Sorry I've been away, but I'm sure you understand. I have so much to say.... My holidays were wonderful, and I'm praying that yours were as well.
Amongst other things I spent a bunch of time with my family and friends and that was wonderful...I almost had a fight with my dad's wife. She screamed at my son like he had a tail because she saw him come outta her room. But I sent him in there to get his coat, only after guests were in and out of there (on tour) and getting their coats. All this after she had told me not to yell at my kids cause it "bothered her." I had to literally grab my babies and run to the car so I didn't go biserk! When I walked out, the door slammed behind me, and she opened it up and whispered "don't slam!' (so my dad couldn't hear her I guess)...I told Trina and she said I shoulda said..."You better be glad it was the door and not you!" I shoulda huh?? lol.
But naw, instead I took the high road and just drove away with angry tears in my eyes...I'm not beat for that drama. So we won't be visiting their "new crib" again.

On New Years Eve...I was supposed to work but I got cancelled. So I went to philly and visited an old friend. He was all by himself and it was kool we could bring the New Year in together. He kept thanking me for coming and lookin at my legs and toes, asking me to marry him. I just laughed. When midnight struck, we weren't really paying attention and we heard pops....lol...I was like, oh no! gunshots (it's from living in DC)...he was trying to figure out if the bullets could come in the window and get us. We just laughed. It was fire crackers btw.

After I left...I was hungry and everything was closed, so I took myself, a good book and some money he'd given me to a diner. (the reason I LOVE Jersey) The waiter kept bringing me hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream...(on the house) He asked with my last one...if I bring you another one will you stay all night?? I giggled. The nerve of these dudes.



On another note, I also decided to move back to New Jersey for a few months to help me prepare to buy a home. My goal was originally to buy a crib with my bro...but now that he is expecting babies and all and all in love...it looks like he'll be settling down. Just not with me....what? I'm kool wit that. lol
Seriously, I'm so happy to see him evolving into such a man, I will happily move aside as he moves forward.

So now, in 2006, I'm making no resolutions. As they typically are broken...but I'm determined to move forward and become better. I'm just taking things day by day...praying...trying to live life to the full, in spite of the twists in turns that it entails.

Happy New Year Ya'll!

Speakin My Mind

Greetings blog fam...

Pimpin Preachas
Did ya'll hear Michael Baisden's show about Pimps in the pulpit??? Well neither did I, but I intended to...lol (You know what they say about intentions) N e way tho I've given the concept a whole bunch of thought. I have to agree that indeed there are "pimps" in the proverbial pulpit. When I say pimps of course I don't mean in the literal sense, not saying that that is impossible, but preachers or so called men of God that pimp the people. Pimp the people for money, prestige, and favors (sexual or otherwise.) I think a major problem lies in the vunerability of those looking for God or a spiritual "experience."The desire of people to "feel" a certain way in this endeavor creates a major opportunity for manipulation. All a person has to do these days is memorize the right scriptures, the way to quote them, maybe sing a good song or two and tell people what they want to hear..and bam! the pimping can begin. Many preachers "pimp" their congregations into "sowing" exorbitant amounts of money into the "ministry" as ways to assure that God will hear them, as a way to exercise faith. I don't disagree that believers ought to tithe and give offering and that the preacher is worthy of highest pay...but some of this has gotten out of hand. I remember seeing a preacher on tv...he said to call and he'd send a package for free. I was going through something and was vunerable. I called and what he sent was a vile of "miracle water" that I was to use some way or another (I now forget) to get the blessing or deliverance that I desired...BUT, before I could open the vile, I had to send a monetary "seed" of faith of something like $25. I just threw it away, but it aggravated me.
Another example, I met a guy...I was sold on him because I was waiting for a "man of God." He did and said everything to convince me that he was just that. Once he had reeled me in, he became aggressive sexually. It threw me for a loop. It wasn't that neither of us had had sex before, but he had represented himself like he was celibate...I believed that our intentions were to remain that way. I was really damaged by the fact that I'd trusted him. It may sound laughable to you, but I know that true men of God exist that stand by their word and on the Word of God.
So this isn't to say that everyone who preaches is wrong..it's just to affirm that they all aren't right. We as lay-people ought not assume that because a person stands in the pulpit or wears a priest get up that they represent God. It is up to us to be cautious, vigilant, and prayerful...to ask God if the messenger is His own, to look at the Word of God and test what is being said AND done. I personally think Michael Baisden has a beef with the church...but the church is an institution that represents something. But it isn't the institution or the corrupt folx that matter...it is a true relationship with God. Namean??

OOOH I's Gon' b an Auntie!!!
I am so excited!! My brother's girl is having a baby (am I gon' get in trouble 4 posting that?) I hope not...daddy been knew..lol. Anyway I haven't been this excited since my own! I been keeping it in but I'm 'bout to bubble over. I'm so excited about having her (Rina) as a sister and her sister too. After some drama in my marriage the only sister I had (my in law) was prohibited...lol...from seeing me anymore. My heart was broke. I used to cry everytime I thought about it and her. But God has blessed me with two new sisters and I couldn't be happier! Also my child hood friend Danielle is expecting and my other girlfriend (whose name I can't say) She specifically forbade me from blogging about it. hehehe! So I'm gonna be an auntie 3x over! I can't wait to kiss their little fingers n toes!! And guess what ya'll...I have been asked to plan all three showers!!! I am so flattered and excited...it's gon' be so memorable. So pray for healthy babies...I am.

Check up on it!
Let me tell you what ya'll need to check up on....
Beyonce's new song and video "Check on it"
http://music.yahoo.com/promos/premieres/
As soon as I heard the song I sent an email to my croonies like...listen to this hotness...lmbo @ hottness. Then I saw the video and once again I have another reason to be absolutely enamored with my girl B.Carter, Mama B, Beju...whateva u wanna call her...that's my girl. She inspires me to get my stuff str8.(I was almost gon' tell you way too much personal information...whew, glad I caught myself) Trina's thinkin..."Oh god Chan" And Ivan lemme tell you..remember that dance I told u I was choregraphing??? Look at the video, girlfriend is helping a sista out. hehehe Ne way she is doing the dag on thing...hate if you want...but in the back of your mind you thinking...Dang Beyonce is fly...lol
btw, if you didn't know yahoo launchcast was tha bomb...you betta ask somebody!

FIVE BELOW
Listen here...and listen good. I might be late...but if you have a five below in your vicinity..... RUN to it! I walked in the store today...and I'm not sure what my face looked like, but the store associate quickly said to me, "Is this your first time here?"...all I could say was "mmhmm" Hehehe. Everything in the store is $5 or below (hence the name) and they have a bunch of fun stuff in there. Today I bought 39 items....wonder how many items I'ma buy next week.

Alrite lemme go...I got more to talk to ya'll about later. I hope you are enjoying tha season!

I've been gone

Hey everybody!!
If you been praying for me to move...good news, I'm in another place. I been away getting settled and trying to get back online to check in with you all. Thanx for all the comments on my last post, I just had to get some things off my chest...lol

But I'm all better now. I'm gonna rep Christ, but to each it's own.
I'm still prepping for the season. I'm happy. Sending cards to folx I haven't seen in a long time, planning to visit my pops at his new crib and having a get together with my peeps. Exciting stuff.

By the way...what do you want for christmas???
What two things do you want most?
1 thing that is fantasy and another that is feasible?
I'd say that my fantasy gift would be to record with D'angelo or Beyonce'.
My more feasible gift would be, well this song might sum it up..."it's so good, loving somebody...when somebody loves you back!"
hehe...
But on the real my Christmas will be happy..if my kids are happy and healthy and all my loved ones are well.

I'll be back, sorry I was away so long!

smooches!!

Officially the Season!!

For those of you who don't know me personally...Christmas time is magical to me. My parents created a quiet frenzy around the holiday that has never ceased inside of me. So opposed to many of you scrooges out there..I am elated!
My girls and I will be hitting up whatever hot spots (ie..the places with the sales..lol) tryna make Christmas happen. I think the most amazing part of the shopping..is the time we spend together. I mean I shop alone..but get me and Trina and Dan together...whew u better watch out! lol
On black Friday...I almost passed out in the mall because I hadn't slept for 24 hours or eaten for 12. But I was determined...lol
Oh and ps...Treen, I'm so mad that I missed the gallery!!

But for real tho
Let me speak my mind a little...more frank than normal. I am honest with you all about my faith, but I try not to be too incorrect politically.
Oh well....
There is talk now of some states changing the name of the Christmas tree to the Holiday tree. This is happening because some people feel "left out."
I'm sorry to say this but...so what!
When Hannukah comes around...I feel left out. But so what? I am not a Jew. When Ramadan comes through...I'm left out. (Even tho that's kinda okay for me, with all that fasting...lol) But so what...I'm not a muslim.
So what that unbelievers feel left out. America so widely celebrates Christmas because this nation was founded on Christian ideals...maybe not Christian behaviors...but at least a basic belief in Christ.
So today we celebrate a watered down Christmas...but CHRISTmas never the less. But Santa hasn't stolen enough of the Lord's shine...now we gotta take Christ off the tree?... (which by the way was never really a Christian symbol) I'm pissed off! Yeah I said it. I'm down right angry.
Christians...that is followers of Jesus Christ in general are a joke.
We aren't taken seriously, when we stand on what God says...we are called bigots and intolerant. When we say there is one truth we are considered nieve and closed minded. It is said that we have faith in an antiquated old book manipulated by white men....
But our holidays? Those most precious and hallowed?
We have allowed the world to encroach upon...to steal the holiness...to attempt to erase the real meaning of Christmas...(and even Easter.)

Well...I may not be able to do much besides pray, vote.But I will spare not and cry LOUD....If you feel left out..it is because you are!
BUT, you choose to be.
Christ was born, lived, died, and rose again...and is alive today so that we can live a free and abundant life. This world is perverse and things aren't always gonna be perfect..whether you are a Christian or an agnostic...but what I have is the hope beyond my troubles of Jesus Christ.
What we all have is the unmerited and unconditional love of the Lord...but everything else is up to us.
I'll be blogging throughout the holiday season, but I just wanted to kick it off...letting you know where I stand.

I love you all and be blessed!!

Oh u ain't got nuthin to say??

I have a blog site on yahoo too...not really cause I wanted it, I felt pressure to create it. Darn this dag on cyber world! I have a facebook and Hi5 page all because of the same pressures...I am invited to join a group, a website...or something almost daily. UGH!
But, I was reading someone's blog on 360...which I've found to be a large percentage of swingers and other sexually driven folx. In the post, he asked how come these people only talk about sex...and that when posts are explicit the comments soar. But blogs that have something to say...the commenters pass them by. I'm not sure if that is much different here blogspot. But it definitely isn't as extreme as yahoo 360.
I have seen blogs that consist of a sentence like ...what is your favorite position? or What turns you on? that end up with an over load of predictable responses.(look @ u answering in your head..lol)
Why is that? I mean I have a theory, but what do u think?

I remember a while back, some one said to me "Chandra all you talk about is men." It was an awakening moment for me. I started thinking and evaluating my life. Asking myself...do I have anything else worth discussing? The answer, a resounding OF COURSE! In that moment, I realized that I had gotten lost because of my pain. I used men as an anesthetic. They looked good, they made me feel good, they took my mind off the things that I didn't wanna deal with. I was hurt, lonely and looking for a physical manifestation of love.
I mean I didn't do drugs, wasn't much for anything more than an occasional martini, and was much too broke to indulge in shopping. So what was my drug of choice??? Men. and by default sex.
(confession<<good for the soul, bad for the reputation)
We in general all a hurting, empty, broken unfulfilled people...by design.
We search and search, looking for ways to gratify ourselves. Ways to make us feel good (physically) and feel good (emotionally). We enjoy the immediate high...whatever it is, but we come down. So as to keep from staying down...we do it, over and over and over again.
We settle...thinking we are getting what we want...but ultimately, everytime...there is a point that we become aware that this thing...isn't fixing anything...and before long we r chasing a high that never quite comes. Drugs...you can't quite get high enuf, alcohol...you wake up alone in a strange place...with a banging headache, Shopping...you spend more than you have and don't even like the way it looks once you get it home, and Sex...it just doesn't satisfy like you imagined...or he just can't hang.
Either way u end up...sitting somewhere, slumped over...painfully aware.

The question is...what do we do with our awareness?
Futher self indulge, ignore it...or turn to the only ONE who can satisfy us?
It's clear what most folx choose...
We don't wanna be challenged, we don't wanna have restraint...we don't wanna do anything other than what WE wanna do.
If the things folx comment on are any sign....it's not looking good.
Cause' when it comes to the worthwhile things...you ain't got nuthin to say.

So sure...sex is exciting...we all enjoy it. But there is so much more to life...and having a sexual life that is contrary to what God requires of us is ultimately damaging. My prayer? That everyone experiences...life as God intended it. Full...of abundance, joy and sex in its proper context.

Smooches ya'll

So much going on...

Well, here I am...yes, yes, yes...take your seats ladies and gents....
Oh! the applause is too much..really!
*wishful thinking...lol...humor me. :)*
Anyway as I said there is a lot going on...and I am in need of a good blogging session. So here goes...

CSI Next Door?!?
*inquiring (preferred over nosy...plus this is serious) neighbor listens through the door...

officer:so did you know his friends very well?
lady: well * was distanced from me, I'm his mom and he kinda kept things from me.
officer:did he work?
victim's mother: no, he recieved disability and ss
officer: of about how much?
victim's mother: I think about $400 each
officer: do you know how much he was paying for this apartment
victim's mother: no
officer: was he into anything illegal?
victim's mother: honestly, * knew that I did not approve of his lifestyle. So he respected my home and kept what he did in the streests in the streets.
victim's mother: we want to see him!
officer: there is no way they are gonna let you see him
victim's mother: he's still here?
officer: they are investigating the crime scene...

No this is not a playback from CSI Miami, rather an excerpt from my so called life. Last thurday morning my 26yr old next door neighbor was found shot dead with multiple gunshot wounds to his body in his apartment. He had been missing for just about 2 days. @ 2am the cops came knocking at our front door...we answered a few questions and they left. But I couldn't sleep, so I watched and listened...it looked like CSI...as I watched through the peep hole...camera's flashing, cops in and out, white gloves, a body bag. It's crazy, and I'm officially traumatized. His murder wasn't a random act...but it happening so close has got me shaken. So please pray for us, and that I get another gig and a place to live.

Ahh...just us girlz
After all that, I went home to jerzey. My girl turned 30 on friday. So I got up @ 6am got my kids together and drove to jersey to get there in time to drop the kids off with their gramma, and get my girls to head over to the spa by 11am. we all had 50 minute sweedish massages that woulda made me slap somebody...if I wasn't so dag on relaxed and sedated..lol
We went to eat, went shopping, and to Atlantic City later that night.
We checked out Jay-Z's 40/40 club, which was pretty...but definitely NOT what we were looking for or expected. The local crowd was kinda strange..since there is no cover charge..there were some weirdos n there. (Dan...dood skooting around the club had me falling out in laughter!) Still it was nice being with each other, minus having to scream to hear each other talk and spending $100 on 3 appetizers and 4 drinks...but I digress.
You live and you learn..and I don't think we'll go there again, but our curiosity is quenched. I spent the entire weekend with Trina..from the spa Friday morning...to working saturday night...and being KNOCKED OUT sunday..lol
I am so blessed to have her as a friend...her and Dan...and Carla made my weekend off the hook.(thanx ya'll) I know she had a wonderful 30th B-day weekend. (what u think u grown??)
*oh ya'll we got a date to see the Color Purple next month...mark ur calenders!

Still
I've mentioned J a few times on my blog...
For those who don't remember...refer back to my post a LOVE just for me (August). I still love him so much. Not that true love wears out, but it is something to me. We don't see each other or talk much at all. There is no angst between us. He is deep in my heart.
It's just like...that thing you don't talk about, that just is. I'm not acting on it, not telling him too much, it's just there. When I wake up, when I'm not thinking of it, when I'm talking to other men...
I've accepted that he and I most likely won't ever be together again, but still...

I have a sweet tooth, but who needs candy?
I love my babies so much!They are just like little cupcakes!
I could just eat them up...it's something. I remember after my twins were born...I had a natural motherly affection for them, but nothing more. I was depressed a lot, and went through so much. Including, being left, and homeless for a few months. I had no joy. I began praying for a deeper love and compassion for my children.
I can happily and truly say that today I adore my children. I could put some whipped cream and spinkles on them and eat them up!!
I love looking at them, laughing with them, teaching them, watching them learn, taking them out, playing games with them, holding them, kissing them, watching them grow...
I used to hate to hear what people would say about my age...and my number of children. But you know what? Who cares! My children are little "baked" blessings sent from above...lol
Thank you Lord for seeing fit to send them through me. For confiding trust in me, that I could properly mother them...even knowing that I'd be alone. Lord if you never give me anything else...another child, a husband, a bigger house, a better job...you've given me more then enough in Elijah, Micah, Amayah, and Jonah!

Thanxgiving
I always tell u people the things I am grateful for...but since this is the official time of year to express these feelings lemme share what I am so thankful for:

• music,songs, and singing
• tears
• D'angelo...lol
• warmth
• technology
• changing seasons
• health, and life
• literacy, and expression
• church
• money and a banging job @ home
• something to drive
• somewhere to live
• fun,laughs,smiles
• good food
• diets...lol...kinda
• being so dag on fiine! (lol)
• growth
• healing
• love, kisses, and hugs
• all things soft, pink, and girly
• my hellokitty email address (chanichew@hellokitty.com )
• memories
• soft slippers n robes
• bubble baths
• being invited to Leon's party...uhoh!
• hot chocolate with whipped cream
• good books
• candles
• precious scents
• eye candy...(landscapes,colors,animals, babies, and men)
• the mall,shopping! shoes!clothes!
• diamonds,rubies, n colapop (lol)
• my family
• my friends
• get togethers
• my kids
• salvation,God's word
• my relationship with the Lord
• joy, contentment, and happiness
• victory
• YOU!

Be blessed ya'll....whew! this was a long one huh? Told u I had a lot to say..hehehe

MWWAAAHH!

Hey Everybody!

I have by no means forgotten you...and I actually have a whole lot to blog about...including my best friends birthday, a local murder, and a ball I'm going to and possibly modeling in next month...whew!
It has been crazy here lately. Today, and for the next few days I will be in search of a home...so please lift me up in prayer.
I just want you to know that I love you people that read my blog...those that comment and those that don't. I am fighting the urge to want to compete with other bloggers for readers and learning to just be comfortable with my blog for what it is....
The place I get stuff off my chest. :)
It's like a virtual best friend...because unlike my inanimate journal here at home...I can get ur feedback. I love that.
So if all you do is drop in every now and again to see about me I am grateful...just like I am for all the friends that I can see and touch.
Be Blessed...I can't guarantee I'll be back on blogger before Monday 11/21
because of all that is going on...but I will certainly try and by all means don't stop checkin in on a sista. (smiles)
I love you more than I love hot chocolate and sweedish fish!
(ooh that's a lot) hehehe
smooches!

I Got Tagged!!!

I did a MEME a while back...but my boy Clint (on the blogroll)
tagged me...so i'ma do it again.
i luv all u folx that read this. :)

Ten years ago
I was a teenager...I had my first boyfriend and I thought he was the best thing since cds...lol
whaddup Calvin. Yeah, his name was Calvin and it was around the time that McDonalds had the Calvin commercials...everyone had jokes. But SO WHAT!!! I was a sophomore and he was a senior...and he had a car, so NOW!!!
I was spoiled by my parents. My mom found out the cancer came back.

Five years ago
I gave birth to premature twins. I was six months pregnant and thought the pain was just Braxton Hicks contractions (psuedo-prep contractions) my then husband and I decided to go to the hospital, just to check it out...I was 7 (out of 10) centimeters dialated!! My babies were born that night. They were kept in the N.I.C.U for 5 weeks. It was very uncertain if they'd make it. Today the twins are in kindergarten!!!

One year ago
I was finishing up my undergrad career, working, and raising my fam.

Five yummy things
Sweedish fish,Dessert Treats, steak (chicken fried), buffalo chicken wings, and hot chocolate
(#6...my kids cheeks...lol)

Two songs I know by heart
"Hero" Mariah Carey, and "It is well with my Soul" Hymn

Six things I would do with a lot of money
ministry stuff, save for my kids, buy a few cribs, give money to fam and friends, get a trainer,
shop...alot

Five places I want to Escape To
Bigmom's house, New Jersey, Hawaii, Spain, His arms

Two things I would never wear
a strap on, latex anything
oooh lawdhavamercy...lol


Five favorite TV shows
Girlfriends, Boston Legal, Grey's Anatomy, Commander and Chief, Prison Break

Five things I enjoy doing
Reading, Sleeping, Blogging, Shopping, Singing

Five Favorite Toys
my cell, the computer, jojo's toes, do purses and shoes count??

Five People to Tag
Latinchik.Trina,Unspokentreasure, q.b, truth
(and n e of my blog buddies who haven't meme'd already)


Is that everything??? I hope so...How'd I do Clint??
N e way...I have more blogging to do, but this'll have to suffice for today.

smooches ya'll... please COMMENT....
even if u just say hi Chan..ur wonderful...lol

One wish (a poem)

I was thinking the other night
With a melody in my head.
One wish?
If only I had that
What would I do with it?

A million things came to mind
But a million can’t fit in one
So I refocused on my heart
Silenced every other urging
Listened deeply
To the beating

What I heard was surprising
It was the woman side of me
My body started swaying
To your name
That was the beat.

So if for just a moment
With closed eyes
And love in sight
I let my imagination wander
To this one wish of mine

I’d wish for you to love me
Loving you would be no task
I’d wish to hold your hand
And be near you once again

I’d wish that we could
Talk all night
And you could wipe my tears
I’d wish that wishes would come true
And you would be my man

If wishing were praying
I’d like it even more
A listening God
would hear my wish…
for emotions
prophetic.

Feelings that don’t lie to me
Reflecting what is true
My love makes this wish
Superfluous
…because my destiny is you.

© C.B 2005
all rights reserved

The other night I heard Ray-J's song "If I had one wish"...
It got me to thinking about the sentiments of the song,altho it isn't the best song. I thought about the man I will eternally agape and I smiled and felt an ache inside. I wanted to write immediately but I was in the car and had nothing to write with. So first thing in the morning I sat down and wrote this. I could say who, in particular inspired this, but I won't. I'll just say that in time, it'll all work out. It is promised.

Blogworthy Music

Hey I recently heard a few cd's that I thought were "blogworthy"
so I thought I'd share...

In the RnB genre, I'm feelin...

Marques Houston Naked =I have to preface this by saying that the cd is truly for the "grown and sexy" and has some explicit lyrics. But I really enjoyed a majority of his songs and their composition. Most of the songs have a very sensual feel...so, knowing myself...I have to listen to it sparingly. :)

Trey Songz I Gotta Make it=this album is just...I just REALLY dig it. I knew I liked him anyway. He can really sing, it's evident that he is no studio artist. There is even a remix with Aretha Franklin...come on now!? He also has this song called "Gotta Go" which is a throwback to the rythm and blues of old...think The Dells...or The Ojays. I LOVE IT! With the exception of maybe one song...I can put the cd on and let it flow.

As for Gospel Music....

Kirk Franklin Hero=this is Kirk Franklin revealed. It is clearly so personal. It is awesome because as he strips away layers of his life, pain and so on he helps the listener to do the same. The music is beautiful, the message is on time, and the medium is most effective because the combination of all this allows the Spirit to work in the hearts and lives of those listening. I have been blessed by it. There is a song urging us to come back to our "first love" Jesus Christ...I love it. It has hawaiian luau melodies mixed in that are like whoa! You definitely should invest in purchasing this album.

Oh check out my brother's blog @ http://unspokentreasure.blogspot.com
I am really feeling his latest post about the 2000 lost lives in this
tragic war. Reading it really moved me, it is a truly "blogworthy" post!

I'll let u know as I find more blogworthy things.
xoxoxo

Stop being a VICTIM!!

My mood:
disturbed
Quote of the day:
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through HIM that loved us." Romans 8:37

I have a ...friend. Well an ex-friend...an aquaintance?? I don't know...let's just say I know some one who is a drug addict. (Don't we all??) He used to be an very integral part of my life, but he is no longer. Still we have very occassional contact. Well I got pissed recently because he wrote on his webpage about being a struggling addict with the whole poor me syndrome. I was just disgusted. And since we were friends at one time, I thought I'd share my feelings with him...so I wrote him this note..(name is changed to protect his privacy)

crack kills lou. it's sad... you always spit game about how you are gettting yourself together, and how you're fixing today for a better tommorow...but when does your tommorow start?It makes me so sad...and angry. I'm not invested anymore, so I can let it go.But for you I just hang my head in sorrow. I must suck to be dying inside, to not have a future, to keep failing, to disgust your own mother who has dealt with the addiction demon too. But you won't change until you look at your self and are TRULY disgusted. How can u invest in a relationship with anyone?? chick, fam or friends when you don't honor yourself and your body?God loves you and you need to turn completely to Him. I pray that you find true salvation, healing, and total deliverance. Life is sad and hopeless without Christ.Thank you for assuring me that I am not missing anything.Your tommorow is not promised get right today...happy 32nd bday.

I'll admit that it was kind of harsh...but he has been living a sad cycle of drug abuse, jail stints and so on for a long time. As long as I've known him, he's talked about changing, and doing better. But still the same thing. His response to me was...

thank you for the birthday wish, chan.(if that was truly your intention...lol) . no one knows me better than i know me, chandra. i know that i f'd up. in the past, i used to think that i hit my bottom. i now know that i truly hadn't hit rock bottom until quite recent. i have nothing because of my actions. now i'm no psychiatrist or drug counselor, but as for my mother, i would think that it was truly easier for her to get her sh*t right considering the fact that neither one of her parents did any drugs. as for me, well she got high up until the time i went to _ _ at 14 years old. and wouldn't you know it? just when i thought that i was going to have a better life, i find out that my father was sniffing heroin until the time i came back to _ _ at 19 years old. it is said that children born to parents who are addicted to illegal drugs, have a 50/50 chance of becoming addicts themselves. most cases i have seen in my life, it is usually the mother who is the addict and the father is normally out of the picture. not true with me. i had the misfortune of having both my parents getting high basically until i was an adult. not trying to blame them or make an excuse for my sh*t, but you do the math. i didn't have a true holy and godly example set for me like you and your family. oh yeah! i also never said that you were missing anything. you read my page! i'm trying to reinvent myself and i don't need any negative vibes. i wouldn't do that to you, so please don't come at me like that...

Isn't that something? His whole email was about blaming someone else and then not accepting the responsibility for blaming them. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. And he referred to what I had to say as "negative vibes." It's kinda crazy...I'm thinking crack has a negative vibe...
But truly this isn't about drugs...it's about humanity.
We always want to be the victim. No one ever wants to say, I just made some bad choices. Period. Everyone has a horror story.
I was raised in a two parent christian home, but I had to watch my mother die. I've been abused, cheated on, alone and pregnant, homeless and poor. But a victim? I refuse to wear that. I have healing that still needs to occur. But I don't blame the people who have wronged me, my circumstances, or God for my own shortcomings. When we allow ourselves to be victims we excuse our bad behavior. We never see the true error of our ways...it's always the other person who is wrong. We enable ourselves to live self destructive lives. I got so angry with Lou because he can have a chance to live a full life, drug free.
Those of us who shift blame for a living don't even give ourselves a chance. The truth hurts BUT it is the Truth that will set us FREE!

Q and A...continued

Icey asked...
Question:If you had three wishes what would they be? keep in mind that you can not wish for more wishes and only one of the wishes can be for a lump sum financial gain, i.e. you could only ask for a jillion dollars once

Icey, I'd definitely wish for about 50 million dollars(money with which I would, contribute mostly to ministry, build a crib and my own studio, open a bookstore, send my kids to college, and the like)
Probably that on the same day me and all my loved ones would die peacefully and go to heaven.And to have my momma back.

Bobby Brown Jr. asked...
hey cutie :) hope im not too late...Can you tell me 2 of your strengths and 2 of your weaknesses also fast forward 5 years from today....what does your life look like?

Hey Bobby! nope, never too late. I'd say that two of my strengths are my leadership ability, and my sense of commitment. Two weakness would be my sensitivity to others opinions of me, and procrastination.
If I could say what my life would ideally be like in 5 years, I'd say that I'd be in full time ministry. My kids will be doing great in school. I'd be happily settled and married and expecting my last baby. (well maybe on that)

Don Juan de Bubba asked... What one specific thing, other than your children and your faith in general, are you most passionate about right now?

I answered this in the comment section already...but I'd have to say my one passion right now is the community development project I've been called to do. I'm passionate about singing, my loved ones, and shopping too..lol

Answering Your Questions

Hey my people!!!
I have to say that I was disappointed with the lack of response from you...but I will still answer every one of your questions.Please feel free to email me or comment with more and if enough people do ask..I'll do another answer post.
Also please excuse my delay in responding...I didn't account for having to go home to attend the funeral this past weekend. While home I was so busy and sick that computers and blogging were far from my mind.
So I'm sorry, but here we go....

princessdominique asked... If you could marry anyone, famous, living or dead who would it be? And if two questions are allowed, what is your favorite outfit, from head to toe.

So to answer the first question...if I could marry any famous person, I'd have to say Micheal Eric Dyson! I just love this man. Everytime he opens his mouth I am sure that I won't be disappointed or disgusted. He is an intellect, an author, a professor, a minister, a revolutionary of sorts, and he's handsome. He seems to be a man of integrity and from what I can tell...he'd be a good husband.

Question two: Right now my favorite outfit is a pair of black knit gauchos with a hanging black belt, a black cami, and black blazer and deep green snake skin pumps and a matching snake skin embellished purse and all sterling silver and austrian crystal jewelry...it looks pretty on. I have to admit my favorite outfit changes often. In this case I chose all black so that my accessories can really pop. I get so many compliments when I wear it. Thanx for asking *smiles*

Amadeo asked... My question is how can I begin procedures to take over the world...If successful I'll let you run the state of your choice

Yo! I been thinking this thing over..lol...and all I can think of is if you can figure a way to get G.Bush outta office and get everyone worldwide that is less than a millionaire a million dollars...you pretty much got it wrapped up. I'm saying you can try to get up with Pinky and the Brain too..lol.
But my question to you is, if you gonna take over the world, why can I only get a state??? lmbo

Anonymous asked... Have you ever had a one night stand?

I guess this is a fairly personal question. To answer it I'll say this...
I have chosen to live in a way that requires me to resist the pull of fleshly desires.I, however, never want to portray myself as any where near perfect or holy. Because for sure I am just a sinner saved by grace. I truly have not always made the best choices in my life.If by one night stand you mean meeting someone, having sex with them, and never having contact again...then no.

Rose asked... Somewhere in blog world I read that you were divorced, do you feel that you could have saved your marriage?

Hi Rose...thanx for asking. I am indeed divorced and let me tell you that I never would've left, but it was absolutely necessary. My ex-husband is a reader of my blog and my friend so I will not put too much of our business out there. But I will say that I was in a situation that absolutely called for seperation. After 2yrs it was clear that a divorce was the next step. As for my opinion on marriage, I am not regretful that I married young, or even that I married him. I learned so much and God has and continues to form me from the experience.I do not believe that divorce is the fix-all. I do not endorse divorce except in two instances, and even then sparingly, I support marriages, family, love and commitment. I believe in counseling and mostly that if God is not at the center of a marriage it can not thrive.

Berry asked... I love the name of your blog - How did you come up with the name? (not sure if this is explained elsewhere)

Hey Berry...well it is fairly simple. to begin, my middle name is Nicole. So awhile back I adopted the nickname Nickicolapop....
Also when thinking of the name I wanted a title that I felt truly could convey to my reader a sense of who I am. The Bible says in Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
I began to ascribe worth to myself according to to what the Bible says about me as a daughter of the KING and a Royal Priesthood.
Now on the literal side...I am a girly girl, I love diamonds and jewels but equally I love colapop and a good book. You know? That's me. I enjoy the things life has to offer the most elaborate to the most simple. So the title seemed to capture all of that. I hope that made sense. *smiles*

latinchik4eva asked...
At WaT AgE DiD U GeT UrE FiRsT KiD....CuZ U SaId U hAd It In UrE tEeNaGe YeArS AnD I WaS JuSt WoNdErInG At WaT aGe U HaD UrE 1St KiD

Latinchik..hey! I had my first child when I was eighteen and I had graduated from highschool. I started having sex at seventeen. I am not bragging, I honestly wish I had continued to wait. I went to college and it was difficult trying to be a fulltime mommy and student. Having him wasn't the end of my life, he was and is my pride and joy. but my life was complicated in ways that could've been avoided. I married my son's father about two years after he was born.
Thank u guys for participating.I hope I answered your questions. If you feel like asking
more...like I said...I'm here.
*Oh and I love having readers, but people tell me all the time that they read my blog and don't comment.So I thought I'd ask my invisible readers to make yourself known sometimes...even if u aren't on blogger. Just let me know u stopped by...after all I let you in....say hi to a sistah..lol
Much luv 2 u

*side note* Rosa Parks died yesterday, I believe. She was 92. What a full life she had the opportunity to live. Although not single-handedly, she made a huge difference that is relevant in my life today. So Rosa Parks, I celebrate you. What you did, whether it was out of defiance or exasperation, I am glad that you allowed yourself to be used to make a better today.

What u wanna know?

My mood:
Inventive
Quote of the Day:
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

I've seen bloggers do this before, so I figured I 'd do it to. Considering how well you people respond...I'll do it once a week.
WHAT U WANNA KNOW?
I am opening up myself (within reason) to you all. Ask me whatever you want to know about me, you can ask for advice, or my opinion on just about anything and on thursday I will blog with the answers to your questions. (I reserve the right to refuse to answer anything too personal or offensive) Just so you know since I've been blogging I have recieved personal emails prompted by the blog. I had one lady email me several pages about her struggles and feeling like she wasn't living like a Christian. I had another email me and tell me she had been reading, but never commented and that her preconcieved notions were shattered by the blog. And also a 15 year old girl emailed and asked my advice on some things.Therefore, I figured maybe other folx who don't comment may have things to ask or talk about. So if you just have a friendly curiosity or have wanted to ask me something about my previous posts...here's your chance.
Please email me your questions @ chandra_b_1999@yahoo.com or you can leave them in my comments section.
smooches!

Random thoughts, rants, and gripes (in no particular order)

My mood:
Introspective
Quote for Today:
"Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galations 6:9

This Blog
I try to be very organized and blogger has been aggravating me. I won't leave, since I'm new and all...and it isn't that bad. But I just wanted to gripe about it real quick.

My Passion
This as in passion that drives me. Not passion as in suffering. Although as I think of it now...the two seem inextricably linked. I had my life pretty much planned out. As many of us do. But several things interrupted my perfect life plans...not the least of them including my mother's death, and my teenage pregnancy. It has continued on in my life...I perhaps more than many other people, I have seen MY plans for my life be altered and all together halted either by failings of my own or straight up out of my control circumstances. Which brings me to today. I have attained my long sought after degree (It was much harder for me as a mother of four children 6 and under) and I believed that after that, I'd find a good job and fall into financial security. Because that's just what I was taught to believe. In fact, I have seen this play out in many people's lives...just not mine. It turns out the job I have held over the last three years pays better than most entry level corporate jobs. humph!
Door after door has been closed...I am in a "wilderness" place.
God has revealed to me that it is all about PERCEPTION. Today I am free from debt! I'm not living in my ideal situation or location..but I have some freedom. I can stay at home with my youngest child and I can attend to the learning of my little ones in school.In addition, I have time to focus on my passions. I have taken time to pray more, read the Bible more, to work on the leg work for my forming non-profit org. Also, I recently was asked by some one who read my blog to submit an article for their magazine..which I did and it will be published next month.(I'll be sure to share it) And finally I have been able to work on my vocal skills and writing lyrics. How wonderful! So to the naked eye, I may appear unproductive...but actually God is preparing me for something BIG!

Television
I try not to be a couch potato. I turn off the tv several times a day. It's cleansing somehow. But when it is on...I love Desperate Housewives...like, it's appointment tv. I won't answer my phone or nothing. That's a trip huh? I kinda don't answer my phone anyway. But especially not then. And this show?? Full of debauchery?? lol. It's my guilty pleasure. I'm also feeling Commander and Chief, a woman president??? YES MA'AM!


Tommorow is Not Promised
On a sad note. I just found out about a Pastor that I have loved for years. His wife has been a mentor in my life since I was twelve. She held my hand and cried with me about the loss of my mother and I watched her fight gracefully with cancer herself. Today her seemingly healthy husband dropped dead on his daily walk. She loved him since she was a child. And he left out today, sure he'd return and now he's in glory with his Creator. My dad is taking it very hard...pray for him. Pray for the widow. We live like we are invincible. We have to learn to live life to its fill and know that ONLY what we do for Christ will last!

I Love you People.

Can I make a suggestion? *a little sidebar*

Ladies!!(and gentlemen)
I am absolutely bananas over Jessica Simpson endorsed line of beauty products called Dessert Treats.
http://www.dessertbeauty.com
you must check this stuff out.
It's a little expensive, but worth it. I know it's been out now for a while, but this weekend I made my first purchase and it is officially something I can't live without. I purchased a body spray and it smells so yummy...and tastes yummy too. It sounds crazy but it's true. All of their products are edible.
I'm just loving it. I will b purchasing the whipped body cream (with sprinkles),The body butter, the body gloss(think chocolate shimmer),and the lip gloss(which looks pretty, and tastes good..and it keeps your breathe smelling delicious!)
This new addiction is not prompted by anything other than a girly affection for sugar and spice and everything nice and being all soft and pink. *cheesing*
As I am still single and waiting and will not be sharing these amazing products with anyone yet.
Except for myself, even though it's kinda weird to lick yourself.
To whoever just said "illl"...at least "I taste just like like candy!"
*sticking out tongue*

In Appreciation

MY DADDY
This month is Clergy Appreciation Month and my dad's church had an appreciation banquet for him. It was overwhelming for me, because I see a lot of the hardships he goes through as a Pastor. It did my heart so good to see him be appreciated. It was beautiful.
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?Id=19831

MY GIRLS

My hair was so nappy. I didn't want to pay $50 to get it relaxed and I know I couldn't do a good job relaxing it myself. So this weekend my girl(Treen) and I worked overnight and after work she and another coworker (Carla) came home with me and Trina did my hair! That's my dawg... Why it meant so much? Cause we were all so tired after working all night and she still did my hair so I could go to the banquet and look like a pretty pastor's daughter.lol
I love the girlfriends God has allowed me to have. I just wanna shout them out real quick...
Trina...I'll leave the mushiness out (4 once) but u know how we do. What would I do without u?
K.J...I'm proud of u. Keep God first, loving your man and NaNa.Thank u for pulling me outta bed when my heart was broken and for cooking 4 me. (hehe) luv, Sean John..lol
(Dr.)Min...do the dag on thing girl.You make me believe that dreams are possibe to achieve.When's the wedding? I'm getting ready for my close up!*smiles*
Hev...it feels good...yeah! You make me proud!Keep writing and being silly...and make sure u pull over a disproportionate amount of white folx while ur patrolling...balance the field out..lol
Asha...all I wanna know is can u b my personal lawyer? You been my hairdresser for the longest kinda time..:) but you're moving up in the world! I'm bubbling over with joy and pride for u! You're the bomb!
ShelKel...I miss you two. Thank you for serving our country in Iraq. I am so disgusted with the war, but I honor the two of you for your courage.I love you and will always be here for you...what we have is so much deeper than friendship. You are my "sista-cousin-girl-bestfriends"..lol

Kia,Tara,Ree,Nic,Dan,Danielle,Jeanie,Dijsha,Wes,Gerine,Shak,LaShana,Ang I love ya'll. I'm so glad that you came into my life and that we've been able to share time, laughs, and tears.
*If I didn't mention u, I still luv u.

THE HATERS
Some people just ain't gonna like me. Just because. Especially since in my community I am fairly visible. I tend to fret over what people think, but I've realized that the more blessed I am, the more some folx are gonna b pissed. That's just how it goes in life. Thank you for being the grain of sand that makes me into the polished pearl, I am becoming.

MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Thanx for making my life richer.
luv 2 Unc,Dawn,Greg,Dez,Mel,Will
George,BobbyB, Dante, D.Hilliard
Dave,Mar, and Jay

MY BLOG READERS
Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting, thanx for accepting me into the blogging world! Ya'll are the bomb...and many of you have been muse in my life. I read so many of u and as to not leave anyone out, I won't name names. But to every blogger...and non blogger in my comments section. You are appreciated!Ya'll come back now u hea?

Smooches Everybody!

Pumping Gas

I can't pump gas.
I just moved out of New Jersey and I'm lost! I wouldn't normally consider myself a helpless dame, but I am so against pumping my own gas. I have tried to pump my gas three times and I feel like it just isn't right. At home I just pull up and tell someone what I want and they pump my car full...or at least a few quarters full of gas. (lol) This is how it oughta be!

The other day I was driving my brother's truck. To my dismay I had to put gas in it. I stepped out of the truck and told the attendant I wanted $20 on number 1.
I paid, took the gas cap off and put the nozzle in my tank. But no gas was coming out. So I start pushing buttons on the pump and pulling the latch up on the nozzle, still no gas. I start feeling nervous and look around, trying not to appear lost. I saw a man walk near by and I have to admit that it took everything in me not to make my helplessness visible to him. Earlier that day two or three different men had acknowledged me, one coming up to the truck saying, "Hi my name is Cliff, can I give you my number."
So I'm thinking, well I must look cute today, so maybe I can use that to get some help here. I was feeling desperate and starting to sweat... fighting being embarrassed. Right when I was about to swallow my pride and use my feminine wiles....click....it started working!
phew! I just stood there in my denim skirt and high heel wedges pretending like I was a pro and had been pumping gas all my life.
I don't know what I'm gonna do next time. Help me somebody please!!