Diamonds, Rubies, and Colapop

This is not Goodbye!

2009-09-23T14:03:00.003-05:00

Blogspot Family...
You have been my go-to place through alot of things. About 3 breakups, my nephews birth, my grandfather's passing, my many flights of emotion, my spiritual journey, my inability to pump gas, :). But now it's time for me to move on to the next thing.
I really hope that you can join me as I start a new blog journey.
Much luv to my old readers...and I hope to encounter some new ones. :)
much luv!

update

2009-09-20T20:45:00.004-05:00

It's September , and it's my favorite month. The first day of which is my bday!! So I am now 29 and absolutely geeked about it. After 25 I wanted the clock to stop. lol. However today I realize that I pray for longevity, and getting older is an answer to my prayers...So thank the Lord for 29 and I will keep thanking him for 39, and 49 and so on!! :)

I am still in school, except I have transferred to Rutgers Law. It's closer to home, but I miss my SHU fam!! I'm trying to enjoy the journey. I feel like law school is a hazing process, lol. I just wanna make it to the other side! So ya'll pray for a sister u hear??

My kids are good, getting bigger than ever. My twins just turned 9 yesterday!! I'm blown away by all that too. Their father is still a mess. I'm still learning to let go and let God. It's tough tho because sometimes I just wanna tell him to get lost.
Not that doing that would be difficult, he comes with his cape and superman get-up about 5 times a year... :(
The twins just had a bday, so he showed up LITERALLY a day late (and dollar short, lol). That irked me. But...wooooosaaaaah. I'm letting go.

Nothing worth mentioning on the dating scene. I could be involved, but I haven't felt led. Right now I am being still. I almost got caught up with an "unavailable" but incredibly attractive man. He is separated from his WIFE, and expecting his 5th child with another. Yeah, it's messy...Not what God has.

The last real post I talked about Bay-B (and the break-up) and while I still love him very much, the long distance is a heavy burden that I can't get wit (among other things).So although he doesn't want it this way now, it is.

I'm just grinding ya'll. Little time for blogging :( and trying to live my life to it's fullest. Let's keep in touch. :)

Today is the day she died (13 yrs ago-reposted)

2009-08-19T10:51:00.001-05:00

August 19, 1996

i was 15yrs old.
i felt funny when i woke up...last night she was in so much pain and i couldn't fix it. i rubbed her legs until she said, "it isn't helping"
then i turned and cried into her pillow...relentlessly.
i got up from her bed, got in mine and cried myself to sleep.
So when i awoke this morning, i went to kiss her and say goodbye
before i left for my summer job.
she was still asleep as i stood over her.she looked so sick, frail, tiny.
it made me weak...then she jumped. i had startled her.
i said, "it's just me mommy,i wanted to tell u i'm leaving."
she said, "ok,have a good day...I LOVE YOU" and i said those words,we said so often in return...never knowing they'd be the last words we'd say to one another.
i felt strange at work all day. My dad called and said he was taking her to the hospital and that my cousin would pick me up from work.
it made my stomach feel weird this time. even tho, she had frequented hospitals in the past.
when i got home...i went upstair and the emptiness was gut wrenching.
i fell on the steps, as if...i knew, and sobbed and begged and pleaded with God....please, please, please.
i would never utter what i was pleading for..."please don't let her die, please bring her home...please God."
i wiped my tears. my dad came home, everything seemed ok. they were gonna keep her overnight.
i sat down to eat, and on the second bite of my sandwich...the phone rang.
my dad answered, and i immediately lost my appetite.

it was the hospital. she had taken a turn for the worst.
my dad, altho weak...stood like a soldier and turned to me and said...
it's mommy. he began quoting scripture, among them...
"it is appointed once to every man, to die..."
i was sick to my stomach.
he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. i said no.
i don't know why...but i couldn't take it.
he took me to my grandmoms. there bigmom and my cousins dawn(ms. ash) and ondrey tried to console me...i was inconsolable...i was pacing, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think...what was happening?

my dad went to the hospital.he was home within about an hour. my brother is on a greyhound bus to philly, he had spent the month in ohio, and tommorow (9/20) is his 14th birthday. when my dad walked in the room, (i was laying in my grandmoms bed) i pulled the cover over my head, hoping to block bad news, hoping i'd disappear. but i didn't, and he said, "she's gone. mommy's gone"

the next day, we had to tell my baby brother...and to this day.
i've expeienced much heartache..but never like i did on August 19, 1996.
****************************************************************
i miss you mom.a part of me is gone with u forever.
i miss u so much, i'll never forget u. it's been 11yrs and about 6.5 hours...
and every minute i miss you...every minute i'm aware...every heart beat is a little hollow. i still cry, still a broken hearted little girl...still.but joy, they say comes in the morning. thank u for teaching me about Jesus...if it weren't for my faith in HIM, i'd be gone. sometimes, i feel like i can't make it without u...
but i'm still standing, i look so forward to seeing u face to face again.i can't wait!!!
i luv u. forever. mommy.

Gone too soon

2009-07-07T21:10:00.001-05:00

what else is there to say

Delight yourself...

2009-07-05T18:11:00.003-05:00

So I guess life is a journey of learning...perhaps gaining and maturing
I think we all get very focused on achieving something, whatever that might be.
Whether its education, money, fame, a significant other...there is always something.

I am guilty. I am always moving toward the next thing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything completely wrong with it either.
It's just that sometimes we get so caught up in chasing stuff that we lose sense of what really matters.

Maybe this is in the forefront of my mind as a result of recent deaths in my church family, or maybe because of my "break-up." Or somehow both.

Feeling lonely, or feeling some sort of emptiness often drives us to pursue things with so much fervor...and at least when it comes to dating, it can cause us to be so desperate that we'll accept anything.

I been thinking a lot and listening out for God and today I heard, "Delight yourself in the Lord...and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I needed to be reminded that it isn't all about chasing down things or people or even prestige or title. But it is about remembering that I and each of us were born with a purpose...a purpose to bring glory to God...and to worship Him. When we walk in our purpose...God promises us the desires of our heart!! I needed to hear that, and I figured I'd share it with you.

Most of us...don't believe that we have this specific purpose. We are sure our purpose is to satisfy "us-own selves" and to bring glory and things to us, while we are here. And then wonder why we our souls are unhappy...never quenched. We are always in pursuit, when tomorrow isn't promised.

And even if we gain it all...what profits a man or woman to gain everything...but lose his/her soul?? Nothing.

So that is why we must seek first the LORD, and Delight ourselves in Him; everything else will follow.

That is what I aim to do.

romance?? not so much

2009-07-02T20:12:00.003-05:00

so the latest news is that i am fresh out of a 2.5year relationship. its ending straight blind-sided me. and yet as sad as i am, i'm okay. i suppose it was my decision. he started talking about marriage alot...and i think it scared him. i wasn't forcing this conversation what so ever.it started with him calling me imploring me to see the movie "fire proof your marriage." then him telling me that everytime he hears people talking about marriage and their wives...he thinks of me.
then seemingly out of no where, he told me that he needed to step back and evaluate his feelings and motives toward me to make sure they are pure.
(he says because of his history as a "knuckle head" and of using women, i should see the sincerity behind him wanting to be sure)---and i do,

however, i heard that...and heard something else. i felt as if i had been betrayed.
why? because i didn't want this relationship and he spent an entire year convincing me of his certainty that i was the one and that he was gonna show me...and i finally believed him, against my better judgment and then he decided he needed to step back...to assess.
he told me i was over reacting. am i?

i don't have time for re-evaluation, after all this time. so i decided to fall back, majorly. including not taking his calls. i think we've exchanged 3 emails in the last month. the straw tho, no matter how petty...was seeing a comment on his myspace page. some girl, saying "see you saturday sexy." lol. that was my epiphany moment.

so i think i cried for a total of 10 minutes...and like i said i'm sad. but okay. back to square one.
God has to intervene here...cause i give up.

I been promising...

2009-05-27T14:50:00.002-05:00

First let me say, my intentions are so good guys. Yet I have been absolutely swamped by life.
I finished finals about 2 weeks ago and immediately began a full time internship...and you already know I'm full time mommy and then there's ministry and maintaining a healthy relationship with my sweetheart...lol.
So finding time to write, ugh, not so much.

Real Pirates??!!?
So let me just say, this is old...but why did I think that Pirates were make believe???
No we didn't see whole ships get jacked by these little makeshift boats of skinny black pirates. lmbo. These guys are gansta...and although I can't condone "pirating activities" (rotfl)
My mind was straight blown!

She's on Parole and won't leave me alone!! *Help*
She has been stalking me. I met her at an event for homeless women, in which I was the keynote. One of the ladies who knew her well introduced us and thought I would be a good, I guess mentor or something. I have made myself available to the young white woman. She is a former drug abuser and was recently released from prison, but that doesn't matter to me.
I liked her, I wanted to encourage her to stay on the straight and narrow because I believe that she can do it. She was instructed by her parole officer not to move in with her abusive boyfriend, but she didn't listen.
They got into a fight and when the police were called, it was a violation of her parole.
She called me crying saying that they were gonna send her back to prison unless she had $250 to pay her attorney. I tried to encourage her to go to legal aid, but she insisted on a particular attorney. So I offered her the money. No, I gave her the money and although she said she'd pay me back, I am not looking for it.
However, not two days later she was calling me asking me for $400 more. Then I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She got me.
It's all good though. The real issue is that I think she thinks I'm her woman now.
She blows up my phone, "where you at?", "what you doing?" "what time you get home?" When you gonna call me?" "Call me NOW." I'm thinking....is this real???
She then proceeds to tell me that her boyfriend approves of me, but no other girls cause she "used to be" bi-sexual. I'm like blown by all this...did I mention that she has been calling me telling me she needs a place to live? I told her, I can't help you...call Welfare. She says they won't help. I have resorted to ignoring her, and it's finally beginning to work...
But I feel bad, because I don't want to be the one person that she thinks cares and then just dumps her...at the same time, I have too much on my plate to carry her stuff too.
What do you think??

Reality TV (Jon and Kate and the Duggar Family)
Ok, I am so sad about Jon and Kate. I feel like it's me. That is dumb, I know, but I've been through the dissolution of a marriage, while having a household of kids and that on its own sux...I just can't imagine having cameras in my face. For that, I blame Kate. She is loving the spotlight and fame too much, probably the money too. Jon is so over it, but she doesn't seem to care and rather than sacrifice the fame, she seems to be sacrificing her marriage and family life. It's not worth it, at least it wouldn't be for me.

The Duggar family is just freaking amazing. They are solid Christians with 18 children. They are independently wealthy and yet they are frugal. I guess I should say, they are frugal and so they are independtly wealthy. They amaze me because they seem so happy and loving and wholesome. Not that I want my household to be all little house on the praire like them, but I certainly feel like there are some good worthwhile lessons I can learn from them. Have you seen the show?? They are corny...but in like a really good way.

Oprah and that nasty ol' school...
Dear Oprah,
You have a good heart ( I guess) and you showed good intentions by instituting that school for girls in Africa. But, there are some nasty, perverted and ungrateful people there...always tryna do it to each other and well Ms. Oprah...you need to get out for they have you in court trying to hold you liable for rape and endangering the welfare of minors and all kinds of other things they you are innocent of, just cause your name is on there.
My advice: Cut and Run!!! lol. (for real tho)

Ok, I gotta run. I luv u blog world, I know u have grown tired of me with my long pauses...
I will get better, one day. (I hope)

Luv-Luv

To Be Discussed (upcoming blog posts)

2009-04-15T22:54:00.004-05:00

She's On Parole and Won't Stop Calling Me...
what should I do?

Diamonds on the Headlines...(finally again)
Why I am blown by the African Pirates...
Why I am amazed by the Duggar Family
What I'd Do if I were Oprah...lol (besides shop!)

Incarcerated Love: It's not all sign language and letters...lol
Or is it??

finals...arrrgh!

2009-04-15T22:44:00.002-05:00

it is crunch time right now. here i am again two weeks away from finals and it is crazy. unlike undergrad, my entire grade for my course is based off of 1 five hour exam. so i'm trying not to straight freak out. i have a tendency to get sleepy when i get stressed, but sleep is my enemy right now... or so i feel, cause when i'm sleep, i'm not studying. anyway, i'm attempting to just breathe through this, pray, study...and leave it in God's hands. shooting for A's.... :) pray 4 me ya'll (oh i have some mess to tell u about, but next blog....until then goodnight!)

So blessed...(The God in Me)

2009-04-14T12:30:00.004-05:00

i luv this blog cause i just have to read a few posts to see where God has brought me from, and what He's brought me through. it reminds me that no matter what i've come up against...i always win. Not because of any good of my own, any strength or might that i have...but it's the God in me!

so all that to say, my last post i was feeling a bit frustrated and today i feel so blessed. i still have deadlines to make (major paper due tomorrow), finals approaching (ugh), bills (double ugh), my personal short-comings, and all the rest of life's worries...but i'm happy and joyful. i recently won the black law student association writing competition, and a $500 scholarship from them, and i also just got word that i was chosen as a black women lawyers of nj scholarship recipient (im not sure how much yet). :) i honestly anticipate more to come, cause God is just like that.

i'm looking for a summer legal position, but also trust that it is coming. my steps indeed are ordered! my children are well (on spring break) and i'm just grateful, it's rainy today, and i was so happy to see the rain, because i knew if it was sunny i wouldn't be able to get any work done. lol.

so it all works out, doesn't it. hang in there people...because life is a struggle and survival isn't about what we can do in our own power, but rather what God can do for and through us.

CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT--(the words are so true)

frustration

2009-03-11T16:56:00.003-05:00

i have the had the two most frustrating days ever.
my car broke down yesterday two hours away from where i live. i found someone to fix it...but things just didn't go according to my plans. yesterday or today, and my car is still disabled up there, and i'm down here with the keys and the part to fix it.
and i just keep thinking, my blessing has got to be on the way, because murphy's law has been hot on my trail. lol.
in the midst of my frustration, i am learning to breathe and not cry. to pray and not complain. to have faith instead of fret, and to rest and not wrestle. Cause ultimately, God is gonna work it out.
sometimes things and circumstances are just out of our hands. i have always had a problem with worrying and i believe that God is teaching me to trust Him, in every situation. He's got it, even this.

i mean despite everything i've been thru, i have made it THRU...and so many times i felt like i couldn't. so i'm still standing. and yeah i'm frustrated, but it will be ok.or like my momma would always tell say, "this too shall pass."

MyHotComments

About me

2009-02-03T23:33:00.001-05:00

Not sure why I worry
or sure why I cry
Not sure of what will happen tomorrow
or when I'm gonna die.

Not sure of so many things
of who will stay or leave
Not sure why things exist
or why they come to be.

I guess all that I'm sure of
is that more than anything else
I wanna have meaning
beyond what aesthetics can tell.

I want my tears to matter
and my efforts to count
I'm not sure the number
but my life has to amount

to something bigger than me
something that lasts long
or should I say for someone
eternal, like a Beetles song

I want the butterflies in my stomach
to get out and fly away
I want the sun to come
I want to treasure my life TODAY

I want to have the words
for things that leave me speechless
I want to reach into every soul
I encounter and leave them blessed

I wish I could teach ethics
integrity and love
racial sensitivity and harmony
unity that springs from above

I want to hold peace and calm
joy and certainty in my bosom
I wanna be pregnant with generosity
like a flower waiting to blossom

I want to be inspiration
that urges positive movement
like music blowing in the breezes
making the trees do the watusi

Sometimes I feel nervous
and I can't explain why
Sometimes I walk in the church
and just start to cry

I feel the need to worship
like I grew out of the earth
like I've been here since creation
and remember being dirt

I never want the people
I love to have a doubt
about how much I love them
and what true love is all about

I wish I could paint my life
if I could it would be pretty
a canvas full of colors and designs
with mirrored reflections of me

My life could be a scrapbook
with cutouts and photographs
beautiful words and artistic phrases
enchanting memories that would last

I get afraid at night
when I'm alone in my bed
I'm supposed to be the grown up
but I still want to be protected

I pray alot
I love using words to write
and I wanna open my mouth
and sing songs that change lives

I want to live, laugh and love
I want him to adore me
I want to walk in my purpose…

I want to live beautifully!

Randomotions...to love him or leave him alone

2008-12-29T00:13:00.004-05:00

Humanity never ceases to amaze me. There is this "girl"(from my man's past) who insists on playing mind games and trying to psychologically manipulate people around me to negatively affect my relationship with him. It ain't nothing new, these tactics. Baby mommas and exes all around the world employ them. Yet, I find myself fighting to remain unaffected. On top of this, he has a few other exes who have made their hate for our relationship known, as well as letting him (and the world) know how much they still love him.

He wants me to ignore all that, and hang in there with him. He tells me to be confident and secure in my place. And usually, that is not a problem. Yet, here lately I'm feeling more and more like I am being drained with this negative energy from outsiders who wish they could be in my place. Even understanding that it is foolish nonsense and hate isn't 100% enough to let it roll off my back.

It gets me to wondering if I can deal with this kinda thing for long term. I mean, my daddy taught me that drama is for tv, not for my life. I live by that motto. When things get a little too dramatic, I take a few steps back and reevaluate whether some people, places, or things need to be eliminated from my cypher. So this is where I am.

Although, I wanna stay with him more than ever...just to thwart their efforts. And of course there is the way more logical and somewhat emotional side that says..."Chan you don't have to deal with this mess!" Even though I love him so much, and I do. Even though he loves me, and I'm sure of that. Some things are deal breakers...and I'm just trying to decide if this is mine. ???

Diamonds, On tha Headlines...4get DL, it's me

2008-12-13T01:37:00.010-05:00

So here are my thoughts, musings, and opinions about some of the news headlines that are on my mind. I'm gonna try to do these once a week...so please lemme know what u think.

Star High School Running Back Mysteriously Dead
So the story is that, he was pulled over by an officer and when the officer returned to his patrol car to run this young man's info. He heard a gunshot
and when he came up to the car, he saw Billy Joe Johnson dead on the ground by the driver side of the car.
His family and friends are in disbelief...MY TAKE:Um, I don't know why, maybe it's my cynicism toward officers...but something in me is thinking...*cough* buLLsH!t *cough* I mean, it could've happened, I guess. But it just seems so arbitrary that he'd take that moment to kill himself. They said he had a shotgun by his side...a shot gun???
I dunno ya'll, this just don't sit right with me. What do you say??? You can read the story HERE

What if they were black?
So this is the case where the little was missing for over 30days before her mother reported her missing. The mom's story has changed continuously, her car was found abandoned with the stench of a decomposing body in it, but no body. After months she was finally charged with the disappearance of her daughter, for which she has pled "not guilty" maintaining that the babysitter stole er daughter.
MY TAKE: I feel real funny about this situation as well, but what is overwhelmingly obvious is how "well" this young woman has been treated under the circumstances. She has been jailed two or three times, only to be released, the authorities (while suspecting her) have given her plenty of the benefit of the doubt even though her stories have been unbelievable and just not checking out. But if this young twenty something mom was black, whether it received any media coverage or not (most likely not) she would've been locked up, put under the jail, and treated as guilty until proven innocent. I know this, because I've seen it first hand with young black mothers...and not for killing or losing their children, but for allegations of spankings, or just about any other thing that is viewed as a social infraction. The irony of this is down right pitiful.
By the way there are missing minority little girls and boys that never get air time...what about them?

Flood Warning For "My Town"...
The Weather channel reports that, "A FLOOD WARNING MEANS THAT FLOODING IS IMMINENT OR HAS BEEN REPORTED. "
MY TAKE: Oh, great. I'm at work right now so I'ma have to row, row, row my boat home...I sure hope my house hasn't floated away. lol.
Have a Happy Saturday!!!

My Spiritual Journey to Having it All...

2008-12-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

“Having it all”, isn’t that what every woman wants? It bodes the question, is it possible to have it all? The answer is a resounding yes. However, it all comes down to how we determine just what “it all” is.

The Virtuous woman outlined in Proverbs 31, gives us a clue in on this idea of having it all. I remember thinking, and hearing other women express that the Virtuous woman standard is an impossibility for everyday women. This woman took exceptional care of her household, her husband, used her hands to bring income into her household, worshipping the Lord all the while. Sure, we wanna be like the Virtuous woman, but can we be?

In this day in age, we women struggle to balance it all. We are working, raising children, trying to stay fit and healthy, going to school, starting businesses, being active in ministry, cultivating our relationships with the Lord, investing in our marriages and friendships, and trying to keep our households together. Sometimes it seems that there is just too much to do and so little time.
I am a divorced mother of four school aged children. There is no question that mothering is in and of itself hard-work, but in addition to that, I am a full time law student, I work nights on a per-diem basis, have a home to maintain, bills to pay, I manage to maintain some sort of social life with my girlfriends, and an occasional date. I am very active in my church, and like to shop. I work out when I can, but not enough. I love to cook, and do just about every day of the week. To be honest, sometimes it all is so overwhelming that it leaves me slumped over the sink with tears splashing into the soapy dish water below me. It’s in moments like these that I hear the reassuring voice within me, the Spirit of God reminding that I can have it all, I can do it all but only through the power of the Holy Spirit.

You know, it has to be the truth because every time someone says to me, “Girl I don’t know how you do it.” I think, “I don’t know how either”. It has to be divine. More times than not, I don’t have enough money to pay all of my bills but I still have a home with electricity and running water. I don’t always feel like cooking dinner, helping with homework, and then doing my own. I don’t always wanna hear kids jumping and running through the house. Yet, I’ve been able to develop remarkable ways to keep stress low, feed my family, and stay current on my schoolwork. When I try to make sense of it all, I can’t except to say that the Lord has provided, He’s made a way out of no way, and the Spirit of God has empowered me beyond what is physically, perhaps even humanly possible.

The truth is, you and I cannot have it all…in our own power, but when we surrender to the power of God we’ll be surprised what we can achieve.

Perspective is significant to having it all. We must consider, how is “having it all” measured? Is it by the assets that we own? The amount of money that we have amassed? Is it the prestige ascribed by others? Or is it by the small things in life? Perhaps it’s that I’ve been homeless and have had the misfortune of living between cars, motels, and other people’s homes, that makes me so grateful. Whatever it is, I am certain that gratefulness is primary in “having it all.” I have it all because every little blessing is huge to me. I bestow love and concern on my precious children, family and friends because I am grateful for them, for their lives and their health and strength. I care for my house, because I see it as a gift. Reading my cases for school is important because the opportunity to pursue my dream in law school is a privilege.
Similarly, by being grateful, by counting my blessings it helps me to put life in perspective. I don’t have to have a whole lot of money in my bank account, I don’t have to have the newest coach bag, or even a salon pedicure to have it all. It doesn’t matter so much if my laundry room doesn’t look exactly like one out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. When I go to Wal-Mart and leave with a cart full of pillows and candles, sheets, paper-plates, hi-c, socks and laundry detergent, I smile to myself and think, I have it all!

In this New Year ladies, here is our challenge: To seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these other things, the Word promises, will be added into our lives. Just think, doesn’t this promise simplify the conquest of “having it all”? You may be wondering, “How do I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness?” Well, the answer is to change your perspective by prioritizing, what I call, “quiet time” with God. We must spend time reading the Bible and praying in earnest daily. It is not easy to keep this focus, but it is possible and with it comes the promise that “all these things” we spin our wheels in pursuit of, will be added unto us. It is in studying the Word and conversing with the Lord in prayer that we discover the right way to go and the paths to avoid: the overall direction for our lives.

Resolutions are generally made to be broken, but if we must make resolutions, let’s resolve to seek the kingdom of God with our whole hearts, to read the word, to pray, to tithe, to find a church home and to be active in it, and then to trust that the promises of God are “Yes and Amen”, and you will be amazed how blessed your life is. As you go on about pursuing the abundant life, remember that perfection is not attainable although we aim towards it, and with a little bit of perspective and the power of the Holy Spirit, you won’t have to labor to “have it all,” you just might realize that you’ve had it all along.

A New Day

2008-12-09T10:44:00.003-05:00

I was sitting at my kitchen table this weekend, opening mail. A midst a bunch of junk and bills I'd rather discard, was an envelope with an Obama (Yes We Did) bumper sticker. I had ordered it, but still felt excited when it arrived. I took the sticker out and set it on the table to be ready for next time I went out to the car.
My beautiful 2year old nephews were over for the weekend. They are finally getting their precious baby sounds to sound like English. :)
Christopher, the oldest of the twins, came right over to the table and said, "Ahbama!" Stunned, I said, "Huh?" And he replied and pointed to the bumper sticker, "Ahbama, Ahbama." I jumped up and almost ran to my living room, where my brother was, to tell him what the baby said. Little Chris followed right behind me grinning as I recounted the story. I said, "tell daddy" and sure enough it was no mistake..."Ahbama." lol.
What a day, when my little 2yr old gorgeous, intelligent, caramel brown baby nephew, knows the President-Elect by name. It might seem so insignificant to some, but it is HUGE to me. And who knows what the future holds, what that moment meant, because Christopher might even be President one day. It could happen.

I mean....it literally could happen!

EGO

2008-11-30T22:08:00.001-05:00

Beyonce's cd is just wow. N e way, this song is heaviest in rotation...makes me think of me and bay-B. Ok, so does like all the songs...but whatever. :)

Free (my love affair with words)

2008-11-30T04:32:00.007-05:00

I'm a free bird

flying to and fro

through the wind

against the grain

up and down

wings strewn.

I'm a free bird

'needing to go my own way

always with the flock in sight

soaring above

yet close to home

protective

and I don't wanna be caged

I'm a free bird

you can't capture me

I wanna be close to the sun

near to the clouds

free, free, totally free

I'm a free bird

sometimes I hide

away from the world

within my nest

in the trees

free falling almost

never hitting the ground

I'm free like a bird

'can't even catch up with myself

I'd rather take it all in

the music

the beauty

the air breezing through my wings

I'm free like a bird

So free that the tears

simply disappear

I'm going up

dodging the heartaches

the headaches

lack

and want

my creator provides

I'm a free bird

soon as he thinks he got me

I'm gone, beyond reach

so free

just when she figures

she'll get in sync with me

I'm on my way

hiding in the sky

so fly, so free

free bird, free girl...Free me

CBW
11/08

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T22:49:00.004-05:00

Hey blogland!!!
So, I'm working hard to get back to my regular blog swing...but it's hard. I am finishing my first semester of law school, and basically my time is not my own.But it's Thanksgiving, and as I have in previous years, I'd like to say what I'm thankful for this year.

Seton Hall Law School has been the biggest blessing of this year, and I am so grateful.As a result I have made some amazing friends, in a short amount of time. I find it pretty incredible because I'm at a stage in life that I feel like my friend roster is pretty complete, but I keep getting blessed with new friends and acquaintances and that is pretty hot.

I am so thankful for my wonderful family...my beautiful children. They are a gift to me, they believe in me and look up to me, and I just adore them. Even when I get fed up, I am enamored with them. They give me something to live for, they push me to show them that WE can be and achieve absolutely anything with the Lord on our side.

I am thankful for my precious nephews, and my darling goddaughters, it always amazes me how I can love children that I didn't carry so powerfully...but I do. I am grateful for my daddy and my brother, the two men who have exhibited the way a man should love a woman. For my beautiful and inspirational grandmothers and all of my other extended family and friends(especially Mohamed).

For my home, my car, my health, my church....I am grateful.
I really don't take much for granted, I mean all the way to my furniture...I am so thankful.

I am grateful for the man in my life. Bay-b, as I affectionately refer to him, is everything that I've imagined and hoped for. He is physically beautiful, his smile is amazing. His dimples, his teeth, his eyes, his physique...beautiful. And yet, all the aesthetics are a bonus. Because he is a man who loves God, he challenges me...he literally pushes me to be who I'm supposed to be, and who he sees me as. He is intelligent, and articulate. He reads extensively and writes creatively. He is a little gangsta too. I mean, he has that street credibility that used to be a real liability, but now seems to just round him out as a person. You know? We are physically apart for a season...and it is very difficult at times.But I'm just overwhelmingly grateful that God loves me enough to cross my path with his.

I am grateful for the Lord, and His love, kindness, mercy, and favor. I can't breathe without Him.

And of course, I'm thankful for a place to blog!!! :)

HAPPY THANXGIVING!!

Guess who's back...lmbo. Yeah it's me

2008-11-13T22:19:00.004-05:00

Just a short blurb...
Oscar Wilde, an Irish playwright and poet from the 1800s, said, "Life imitates art, far more than art imitates life." That quote popped into my head a few minutes ago when I was in my kitchen making a cup of hot chocolate, but in the reverse. Where does art come from?? Where do romance movies and soap operas come from? Life. I mean, life often stretched to the extreme...but life nevertheless.
Life is a gift, everything about it. From the rainy days, to the walks on the beach and the dinners with the fam. From the baby mama drama, to baby's births and graduations...from the days of sorrow to the days of the greatest joys. It is a gift.
Just like everything else that's worth anything, we have a choice....to live it, love it, appreciate it...or take it for granted.
I choose to love what i've been blessed with, to aim to improve the things that are lacking, and to be grateful for the rest.

My so called life...current thoughts and ramblings

2008-09-22T19:54:00.003-05:00

9/22/08
I was sittin on the train and I realized that my abs were hurting. I was evaluating everything I did over the weekend...and well I did a lot of dancing, I've avoided the gym, and any other activity couldn't have resulted in the pain I was feeling. Then after talking to a friend I remembered that I had been dry heaving all Sunday morning...a result of 2 long island ice teas...on an empty stomach Saturday nite.

I feel like I felt the first day after my butts and guts class at the gym....sheesh.

but even tho I had fun on Saturday, I remembered real quick why I don't drink.

So my current situation is good. I mean, it's been quite a while since I've blogged but I been feeling the calling again. So here goes nothing. Again. lol. But let me update you.

I am currently attending SHU Law, which has got to be one of the most significant additions to my life. I have homework every minute...and I still manage to procrastinate a little. Which I hate, but I'm getting better. I've made some wonderful friends over this summer, and I NEVER could've imagined it. I LOVE them!!! They know who they are *waving*....Hi guys!!

I mean, God knew exactly where I needed to be, and who I needed to meet.

God vs. Man

2008-06-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

As I grow I learn to desire the esteem of people less and less. And that isn't just the "Christian" thing to say. I mean, without even knowing it, I lived so much of my 20 something years trying to make sure that people approved of me. Well, that they thought well of me, at least. Of course there were some I didn't care about, but there were many that I did. BUT, I'm so tired of trying to please people. I'm making the effort to do what I do for the pleasure of God and Him alone. I find myself in dangerous territory when people's opinions and thoughts weigh too heavily on my mind; and I'm learning to be more quiet, "slow to speak, quick to listen." I've always wanted to share my dreams and hopes with everyone, but time and life and growing in Christ has shown me that many of those things closest to my heart ought to be kept between God and I... and perhaps a VERY, selected few.

I don't talk too much about law school, because it is not about me. At one time, if I woulda got in, whenn I wanted to...I woulda took the credit. I woulda tooted my own horn and said, yeah well, I,I I....but today, all I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is that this opportunity is all about pushing me in the direction that GOD wants me to go in, so that I will be better able to serve in Him, and to advocate for those who don't have a voice...

God has used the selected few in my life to reflect His view of me. People who aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, and love me as I am. They challenge me to be better, and make me want to invest time in becoming the woman God intends for me to become. They really are the only PEOPLE whose opinion carries weight to me. And so, Instead of focusing so much on what people think, I've decided to focus on what God thinks. I already know that people are always gon' talk...but, I'm too busy using my time, gifts and talents for the Lord, serving Him, and loving others, and leanig on God when I don't know what else to do. It don't matter so much what people think, all that matters is God being pleased.

In a SOLDIER'S own words

2008-03-26T15:24:00.004-05:00

I will NEVER understand how Bush, McCain, or Anyone can IGNORE the REAL cost of this war, and justify us continuing to fight idealogies that can't be killed, defeated nor overcome with bullets or bombs...Can u help me understand?? After reading this soldiers account on Time.com, I am just at a loss...

By LIEUT. SEAN WALSH

The passing of the 4,000th service member in Iraq is a tragic milestone and a testament to the cost of this war, but for those of us who live and fight in Iraq, we measure that cost in smaller, but much more personal numbers. For me those numbers are 8, the number of friends and classmates killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and 3, the number of soldiers from my unit killed in this deployment. I'm 25, yet I've received more notifications for funerals than invitations to weddings.

The number 4,000 is too great to grasp even for us that are here in Iraq. When we soldiers read the newspaper, the latest AP casualty figures are glanced over with the same casual interest as a box score for a sport you don't follow. I am certain that I am not alone when I open up the Stars and Stripes, the military's daily paper, and immediately search for the section with the names of the fallen to see if they include anyone I know. While in a combat outpost in southwest Baghdad, it was in that distinctive bold Ariel print in a two-week-old copy of the Stars and Stripes that I read that my best friend had been killed in Afghanistan. No phone call from a mutual friend or a visit to his family. All that had come and gone by the time I had learned about his death. I sometimes wonder, if I hadn't picked up that paper, how much longer I would have gone by without knowing - perhaps another day, perhaps a week or longer until I could find the time and the means to check my e-mail to find my messages unanswered and a death notification from a West Point distro list in my inbox. The dead in Afghanistan don't seem to inspire the keeping of lists the same way that those in Iraq do, but even if they did it wouldn't matter; he could only be number 7 to me.

I'm not asking for pity, only understanding for the cost of this war. We did, after all, volunteer for the Army and that is the key distinction between this army and the army of the Vietnam War. But even as I ask for that understanding I'm almost certain that you won't be able to obtain it. Even Shakespeare, with his now overused notion of soldiers as a "band of brothers" fails to capture the bonds, the sense of responsibility to each other, among soldiers. In many ways, Iraq has become my home (by the time my deployment ends I will have spent more time here than anywhere else in the army) and the soldiers I share that home with have become my family. Between working, eating and sleeping within a few feet of the same soldiers every single day, I doubt I am away from them for more than two hours a day. I'm engaged to the love of my life, but it will take several years of marriage before I've spent as much time with her as I have with the men I serve with today.

For the vast majority of American's who don't have a loved one overseas, the only number they have to attempt to grasp the Iraq War is 4,000. I would ask that when you see that number, try to remember that it is made up of over 1 million smaller numbers; that every one of the 1 million service members who have fought in Iraq has his or her own personal numbers. Over 1 million 8's and 3's. When you are evaluating the price of the war, weighing potential rewards versus cost in blood and treasure, I would ask you to consider what is worth the lives of three of your loved ones? Or eight? Or more? It would be a tragedy for my 8 and 3 to have died without us being able to complete our mission, but it maybe even more tragic for 8 and 3 to become anything higher.

View this article on Time.com

Obama Drama

2008-03-18T19:11:00.011-05:00

Why can't folx just leave this man alone?? I mean, it's ridiculous that America wants him to pick whether he is a Black man or just a mulatto presidental candidate. It downright ticks me off...

Doesn't he deserve to be proud of his black heritage???

No, because it is too risky. I am proud of Obama because he has remained amazingly neutral when it comes to the issue of race, and honestly...I believe it is to Black America's advantage.

His pastor, or spiritual advisor or whatever, shouldn't have opened his mouth. Although the preacher Jeremiah Wright, expressed some opinions that are shared by a number of Black Americans.
White America wants to say that because of Barak's long standing relationship with this man, that he has the same extreme opinions.
Part of me wants to say if so, so what!?! McCain was quoted saying something like, he doesn't care if we stay in Iraq for another 100 years. HELLO!!!! Does no one see the problem with this extreme thinking???
Apparently, Pastor Wright has expressed views that claim that the government "lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color." He has supposedly also preached other radical "racial" politics. But what is America afraid of??? The truth? (I'm not saying I believe this claim, but who knows...)
Barak is not allowed to be a black man, because America doesn't want a black man in the office.
As long as he is a watered down version of a black man it MIGHT be okay. As soon as it seems like he may be an actual advocate for Black America...he's an extremist. Are you kidding me??

I'm happy that he is doing what he has to do to move forward and win this election, BUT the preacher was right when he said, "Barack knows what it means to be a black man living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain't never been called a Ni****." I mean it's true isn't it??
I mean really, can Barak Obama LIVE?? America just shows it hasn't changed. People are entitled to free speech and their own opinions...right? Unless they are people of color. Humph, and I don't believe that because that Preacher said the things he has said that Obama should be attacked. DANG! I also believe that a person who is well aquainted with the hardship of being Black in America is a prime choice to bring healing and unity across racial, economic and religious barriers. Doesn't everyone want that? I would hope so.

World Wide...what?!?!

2008-03-13T01:39:00.005-05:00

The Internet is a peculiar thing. The idea of privacy is so elusive anymore. Even on websites that claim to give you privacy...it's always questionable. And I, I am okay with sharing most of my business on this blog,and occasionally on my myspace or facebook. Every now and again, however, it comes back to haunt me. For instance, this man immed me out of nowhere, attempting to strike up a conversation with me about something that had happened in my marriage???? I was thinking,do I know you?? I didn't know him. Turns out, I had alluded to domestic abuse in a previous blog and he started talking to me about that. It was a strange...and it continues to happen, I'll mention something to a friend or an acquaintance and they'll say, oh yeah I read that on your blog. *strange*

Well,it seems my current beau's ex has discovered me...or at least she's hot on my trail. I found it funny, kinda.

I mean...I have always known that there are people who read my blogs or check my myspace while lurking behind the anonymity of the WWW. Never making comments,only making mental notes.
I never really minded it because,who cares...and I don't have anything to hide,and well it is exactly what it is. But every now and again, I get fed up. I wanna just sign off...forever. Then I realize there is no way I can just escape back into the dark ages of Internet-less living.

So what do I do???

Find a happy medium between total web-transparency and the former.

:) Yeah that's it.But is it too late??? I don't wanna erase my blog, I feel way too invested,too many nights of blogging. Well...that and my ex husband so kindly told me that if you put my whole name in Google you get "madd" hits with "all" my information.humph! It might just be too late...
There's no hiding is there??

So I might as well wave to my net-stalkers. ***feverishly waving***

May God BLESS your ministry! (lol)

caio

Slow Dance Anyone???

2008-02-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

Tonite I wanna dance!

Can we wait just a minute
Slow it down for a minute now baby
Your talkin loud
Your wilding out
Don't seem like my old lady
Lets go and play the song we used to play
Can we reignite the flame
Cause things just ain't the same

We can talk about the baby
We can talk until we're crazy
We can focus on it now
Or we can focus on it later
We can start another fight
We can argue and fuss all night
But I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance

Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
And let the music make you move
Move yea

Can we wait just a minute
Turn that tv off for a minute
Now politics and talkin ish aint really none of my business
Let’s go and play the songs we used to play
On that old school radio
Let the music soothe your soul

Forget about the world
Im groovin with my girl
Forget about the news
Lets step on our dancin’ shoes
Lets not talk about the war
Don’t know what they fightin’ for
I propose that we go to the floor and we slow dance

Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with you man yea
Tonight I wanna groove
Let the music make you move
Move yea yea
Move yea yea

I love it
I love it
I love it we're slow dancin together
I love it
(repeat)
I love it I propose that we go to floor and we slow dance

Tonight I wanna dance
Can you do that with your man, yea
Tonight I wanna groove

A good reminder...

2008-02-06T15:45:00.001-05:00

I know that I have a gift...writing. I love to do it, I express myself well when I write. I try to talk sometimes and the words run away from me, or get jumbled, but when I write I'm free, empowered. I got my degree in English,'cause it came easy...but when I came across a poem I wrote a year or so ago,I thought...wow, who wrote this?? I finished reading it,saw my initals at the bottom, and smiled! Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot :)
I needed the affirmation of reading it again 'cause I've been struggling with issues of self.

So here it is: it was written to an ex, as I made my exit. :)

u say u love me
but i can't feel it
and when i'm with you
that's all i want...
to feel it
all of it
from my inside out.
sometimes the way you look at me
makes me feel beautiful.
but when you're away
wonder persists
i long for the bliss
of ignorance...
but it evades me
and awareness
destroys.
i've never wanted you
to stay and leave
as badly as this.
i'm enamored with your scent
the way your skin feels
the texture
the color
beautiful
i love you
you're imperfect and i accept it
fallen in love with it
you say you love me
but you don't love me like this
strong and unconditional
lemme teach ur love a thing or two
you say love
i act love
but i'm tired of emptying my soul
loving you...
who use words
with no movement
to love
and i'm tired of believing
those words are the truth
so i have to go now
pack my love and my shoes
wipe up the tears and get one last kiss
you say you love me,
why have I never felt it?
written by CNB

YES WE CAN!!!!

2008-02-05T15:39:00.000-05:00

VOTE!!!! BARAK OBAMA CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE, WE CAN CHANGE AMERICA!!

Current Ramblings...

2008-02-04T01:03:00.000-05:00

SO...
I am happy to say that in August 2008 I will be a LAW SCHOOL student!!!!!
YES, I got in. :)

Um..let's see, what else?

Everything is good. I bought a humungous television...i mean, i ain't never seen a tv THIS big...lol. It'z like having a movie theatre in my family room. I'm not even a tv watcher, but DANG! I wanted a 32", I ended up with a 53" surround sound, HDTV.

Ok, what else??? I am going to a Youth Conference this weekend. I am excited. God really put it on my heart to take the kids from my church, and with no money available at first...I was able to buy 28 tix at over 55 bux each!!! We recieved donations and partial payments all in about 3weeks. God is good! So I'm excited, I get to go away 4 the weekend!!! yippie!

Um, I'm working on a few other things...and I'm taking a HUGE trip in April. But all that stuff is under wraps, maybe we'll discuss more about it all later.

I watched "waiting to exhale" friday nite. It was better than I remember, and I LOVED it. It reminded me of so much, my mom, my teens, my present...lol, my girls, my love life!!! OOOH honey chile...that movie is on my top 10. But that soundtrack...WHAT??!!!???lol

I got some bomb girlfriends btw. I mean, I just love my girls. They make me smile, they make me wanna just sit around and laugh, and talk, and shop...lol. I love them so much, I'm so glad to have them.

Oh and I have big plans for Valentine's Day!!! I'll be back to share...
Thanx for reading my rant, I needed that.

beauty

2008-01-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

I was feeling inspired...so I just started writing about someone who is a beautiful person physically, mentally, spiritually, and all around. I mean we are all imperfect, but I'm not sure that I've ever taken the opportunity to let him know just how BEAUTIFUL I think he is....So, B-hump
******************************************************
I never told you that I think you're beautiful have I?

I know that I haven't because ironically, as much as I need you to tell me...

I struggle telling you. But when I see you, I smile.

You are like the heavens kinda, the way they make me marvel...

I look at them trying to find a word to describe

the way they make me feel, the awe I feel inside

but nothing comes to mind

but do you know that I think you're beautiful?

funny cause, I know you didn't expect that word.

I mean, there are others maybe more fitting

not to me tho, cause all that you are

all that you invoke

all that I see is beauty.

~CNB

You Got Me Slippin....So in LOVE with YOU

2008-01-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

'can't help it... "Clumsy"

Happy 2008

2008-01-01T06:02:00.000-05:00

I was stressing being consistent. I just am incapable of that right now. Things are psychotic in my life...I mean in terms of my schedule. Not to mention that EVERY pc and laptop in my house chose the last two months to crash. Picture that. This has kept me off blogspot, not to mention the kids, and work, and school apps, and work, and movies, and catching up on elusive sleep, and work, and church, and bible study, and family and friends and loved ones, and shopping
(CAN NOT 4get shopping!)
So, my blogging suffers a bit. I'm taking a few days off my night job.
I'm trying to get my New Year's cleaning finished. O speaking of wish...
Happy New Year (2008)!!!
:)
Yea, but got a lot to do. My Christmas was SO blessed. The kids got spoiled. It was a bit ridiculous, but we really talked about the REAL meaning of Christmas...and altho they got a lot they really were very grateful and thankful to Jesus.

Oh about the best gift I received, it was a bag full of hand written/drawn Christmas cards from my kids...telling me how much they "LOVE" me and how they will NEVER "let" me "out of" their "heart(s)" Isn't that precious???
Anyway, I'll keep you posted.

Oh, by the way...
I Love the song "Clumsy", have you heard it?? I will post about that more later.

talk 2 you soon!!

Trying Again....

2007-12-19T06:21:00.000-05:00

First let me say...the dumb anonymous commenter from my previous post was my very precious little brother. Isn't he wonderful???? (Can u sense the sarcasm???)

Ok, so I'm back, trying blogspot again, altho I don't know for how long.I tried a new blog site...but I just couldn't get with it. I tried blogging on myspace, but that was getting too personal or something. Which is funny, since I'm always getting personal.
My ex-husband's girlfriend seemed to be targeting me with random comments and messages. I was just tired of that whole scene.
Don't get me wrong, grown and all...I still myspace. :)

I remember being so excited as 2006 came to an end. My 2006 was ROUGH!!! And 2007 has proved to be such a better year. I have gotten better, grown, I mean I have been through some things and lost a best friend...but overall, it was just a better year. So once again I'm looking forward to another year. I am anticipating bigger and better...I look forward to returning to school, advancing in my career pursuits, being a better and better mommy, sister, daughter, mentor, cousin, companion and friend....all that, I just am happy about this time of year and the approaching new year.
Good stuff!

So, what is the worst, strangest or best Christmas gift you've ever given or recieved????

Do tell...I wanna know. Let me brainstorm, I'll be back with my answer to that question.

what to do??

2007-11-15T00:14:00.000-05:00

my blog has grown wack....
time to retool...rethink.
maybe start from fresh????

I need to kick around a few ideas.
I have new inspiration....and here at blogspot
I can't help but look back...so what's a girl to do?

Any suggestions?

where my girlz at???

2007-09-27T14:11:00.000-05:00

Can't u just hear that song..."where my girlz at, from the front to back..."
who sang that??? i keep thinking that group 702..is that right?
anyway...I just decided to go on a trip to see the Color Purple.
but, I had to run through my mind to figure out what girl i'm gon' take with me.
Usually, One friend pops to mind...but lately she hasn't called or returned any of my calls...hmm, my other girls for one reason or another might not work.
And my closest friend/cousin lives in washington state.
Now can u see why I'm asking, where my girlz at???
Lately, it's been a bunch of shopping trips, and nail salon visits with me, myself, and I. I ain't mad at it either, but I'm not tryna go on this bus trip...with them three...and no one else. 'Cause I'ma talk to myself, the folx on the bus is gon' think I'm crazy..lol.
I mean and then there is free time to shop, and shopping alone at home is one thing...but shopping in NY??? Without my girlz???
man, what?
I'm bout to go home and brainstorm, cause I wanna know...
"Where my girls at???"

I count it a privilege!

2007-09-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

One thing that I have noticed is that people, who for one reason or another have come into my life...share their problems with me.
I often get phone calls, emails, and the like from friends and associates who just want to vent.

I just want to say that I count it a privilege to be considered the type of person to listen, to care, to encourage, to assist (if possible), to pray.
I truly get an overwhelming feeling inside...It's difficult to articulate.
I have shared many tear filled heart to hearts...and I am just grateful, to have the opportunity to share in so many people's innermost thoughts, and emotions, and hurts...that's pretty amazing.

so blogworthy!!!

2007-09-04T14:15:00.000-05:00

i'm blessed

2007-08-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

i just am, and i just wanna share my testimony....which is simply that i have so many reasons to smile. :)so, i just choose to focus on those things. :)
thank u GOD!!! for my many blessings, and your kindness, mercy, favor, and provision.

i'm off to the beach for a few days tommorow.my fam got a spot for the week and the kids and i are going to hang out. i look forward to sitting on the beach with my book. just chillin, happy...just me and the kiddies.

my birthday is coming up and that is a blessing.
my birthday party is coming too and all i can think about is how am i gonna do the cupid shuffle in these 3 1/2 inch rocawear wedges i spotted this weekend...lmbo. u can't be cute, breaking your neck.

school is quickly approaching. i'm happy the little ones will be off to school all day again (big grin) i trust God to protect and keep them and give them favor.
i'm a little stressed about trying to get school clothes, shoes, underwear....so on.
thankfully...the book bags, lunch boxes and supplies are done with!!! now this, b4 long...Christmas!!! :) I'm not fretting, I will start Christmas the first pay in October. :) Bless God!!! :)

anyway, i'm happy and blessed...there is plenty of opportunity to worry and fret myself over the little things, but God hasn't failed me yet...even when i thought He was failing...He had it all under control. i think He's got this.u b blessed too!!!

READY

2007-08-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

i know i'm on a video kick...bare with me. it might wear off. but if a picture is worth a thousand words...a video has gotta be worth like a million or two. lmbo

I AM

BeAuTiFuL sOuL

2007-08-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

I was reading consistently inconsistent's page
and something about her writing really made me dig her spirit. I was thinking about doing a post like her, 10 blatant honest facts about herself.
As I was thinking...I thought, what is the most important thing about me. Like, what do I want to stand out??? Well, all of a sudden the phrase "beautiful soul" jumped out at me.
I kept rehearsing the phrase in my head, and I thought there was a song about that...so I googled it and found a song by Jesse McCartney. The Lyrics are nice.

But back to the topic, I think when all is said and done. I want my mistakes to be forgotten about, my bad decisions forgiven, my looks to be inconsequential and my soul to be considered as beautiful. That is the most important thing to me.

I can tell that I am just a tapestry of complexity...that this journey of life is more and more about discovering who I am, and the closer I get to figuring it out...the more I realize that I'll more than likely leave this life...before I'll ever figure it all out. Each new phase in this journey tho, I want the overall summation to be that considering it all...I have a beautiful soul.

What I value about myself is that, I love hard. I invest much into my friendships, and even acquaintances. Even if it is just a phone call, an email...telling them I love them. I am a loving person, soft hearted, and kind. I used to dislike those qualities in myself...I wanted to change them because it meant I was vulnerable, easy deceived, and weak. In growth, I've not only learned to accept these beautiful qualities but appreciate and love them. I also have learned that I can embrace these parts of myself, all while using wisdom, and protecting my heart.
It is these things...the thoughtfulness, the desire to forgive, the consistency in my relationships, the ability to say the hard things to the people I love and to tell them they are great and beautiful, and I adore them. It's my desire to please God and the way I love my children, my heart of mercy giving and the desire to do right, even when I know I'm wrong.

With all my stuff, mess-ups and everything...
It's those things that make me a beautiful soul, and that will last longer than the rest.

today, is the day she died

2007-08-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

to respond or not to respond

2007-08-15T13:36:00.001-05:00

i have this person...around my cypher (if u will) who has tried since her debut to push me to some sort of response. at times, i have responded, but here lately i have made the effort to relax...not let them see me sweat.
the internet is her prime weapon...here and there i have seen some things and come across some words that were dropped off ...just for my "benefit."
Words intended to hurt, to cause stress and concern...hmmm,
and done all in the name of the LORD.
so instead of responding to her, like i contemplated, i've decided to write about it here.

the last thing i saw from her was actually very predictable.
she might be surprised to know that i am not hurt, and that the only response i feel is that she is so childish, and sad, and making herself look foolish.
if i could speak to her directly i'd say...

ur continous attempts to "let me know something" have only given me peace.
it is sad, that u feel like u have something to prove and that u have to FIGHT
for something i let go of years ago. nothing has changed with that person, or that situation...if u desire that for your life,good. this is ur life, not mine. so live it, and leave me out of it.
i am blessed, highly favored, and not the the least bit interested in what u do with your life. however, u seem to be extremely desperate, and insecure.u seem obsessed with me, and have interrupted my life as u are actively destroying innocent little people's lives. now i wanna know, how can any woman...let alone a woman of GOD live with that???hmmm...
i hope one day you can be secure in your womanhood, your relationship with God, and in your personal relationship.i have found that when truly content, i have nothing to prove to anyone.

anyway, i'm happy that i got that off my chest.

i'll b blogging again soon readers...i luv ya'll!

Royalty

2007-08-03T00:32:00.000-05:00

j, i've let u know, many times b4.
it's been a long time, since i shouted u out.
so this video is to u.

***btw, this isn't MR. 6'5"***

This video makes me hope. :)

ms. chan (ramblings)

2007-07-30T17:09:00.000-05:00

hey everyone...
nothing too light hearted to say. altho, i'm not unhappy.
i have a lot going on like always. all weekend i was thinking about what i'd write...but nothing was coming to mind.
but by the way, i prayed for my exes mother. mostly because i just dealt with a death and i didn't want to deal with another so soon...selfish?? i know it sounds like it, but i really didn't want my children to have to face that just yet...although timing is far from in my hands. i was just hoping that she would live and not die.
the good news is, she seems to be recovering...the last time i spoke to "him" he told me that she was conscious and talking. God answers prayers.
so i'm happy about that. there is a ton more i can say about that situation, but i won't. what i will say is that, some situations in life are just thorns in your side that won't go any where. so i guess, i'ma just have to live with this thorn.

so, my brother is moving on in his life again. (praise God) kinda anyway. if u know me, u know CJ is my aCE. so...seeing him all hooked up with someone, not having time for me again makes me feel a little tight lipped...lol. On the other hand as long as this girl has his best interest at heart and isn't a freeloader like the last one, i'm happy 4 him.

hahaha...i had a dream that i was at a banquet and everyone i knew was there. including MR.6'5" and i wasn't ready yet. so while everyone was sitting down, i ran upstairs to the bathroom to get dressed. i had the perfect dress and all...
I was standing there in my panties and bra....stepping into my dress, and Mr. 6'5" busted in and I screamed...and then i woke up. PISSED.
can he PLEASE get out of my dreams????
i keep trying to convince myself i'm over it. but i'm sure u guyz know tha deal.
i haven't called tho, and neither has he..and i won't. it's gonna fade...but dang.
i have heard tho, dreams are all that random info and thoughts and emotions LEAVING.
here's to wishful thinkin.

to be honest..i'm having one of those single moments when everyone around me is involved with some one. that's weird...i'm not used to being on THIS side.so last night was lonely.
i talked to God tho, i was like..."lord i know i should b talking to you right now." :)
i do enjoy my life tho.
my friend katrina says i'ma stick in the mud. i used to be "fun"
but i used to be loose...went for anything, uncertain about me. so maybe now...
this me, ain't fun. i hate to think that tho. i laugh a lot. i mean a lot. friday night, i was outside with my friends (like a kid) until almost 2am. we laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves.

i sang at this gospel lounge friday night. it went really well. someone said i reminded them of Lauryn Hill, and that's nice. I just hope she didn't mean Lauryn Hill on crack...or whatever she was on on that last album...uhhh NO!

ok, i'm just about done my ramble mission.

i'm waiting to hear back from law school....oops!
had i mentioned that b4???
oh well...i'm praying and anticipating my acceptance letters.

AND, i have to run because i freelance write for an online magazine,
and i had an article due friday...

it's monday.

get to work ms.chan.

what's going on

2007-07-23T21:59:00.001-05:00

so, i have been wanting to write...but just too busy and emotionally overwhelmed to. A very good friend of mine died suddenly. she was 22. so that has been devastating and i'm not to the point yet that i can go into much detail about it.

my ex called to tell me that his mother was on the verge of death, and that i should pray.i felt conflicted about how i felt. i find it just amazing how...he never calls unless it's FOR something. either he wants sex, his family wants to see the kids, he needs to borrow a "ten-spot"...haha...NEVER, hey are you ok? how are the kids? do they need anything? is the child support enough? can i take the boys to baseball practice...lol. NEVER that. but he'll call to ask ME to pray for his mom. i haven't prayed yet.

i will though.

it's really just something the way things go. still trying to be a good woman of God...i know
that i should pray. let go of my anger, and unforgiveness. i should pray. death is sad and devastating. i lost my mother, and well...
i just get it, kind of. i don't know.

on another tip. i hadn't spoken to or seen MR. 6'5" since i invited him to a bbq on the 4th and he so kindly declined. that was the straw 4 me. i guess maybe, after a few weeks of not talking and my phone being off...he got anxious. so he came to the church on a day he knew i'd be there. maybe he didn't come to see me. but i doubt that. i didn't speak. i was singin, and he was watching.

i looked a little different since he saw me last. my hair is normally black, now it is colored bronze...i normally wear contacts, but i had on glasses. i was walking a way to leave and he said, "your hair looks very nice." "thanx" i responded and kept it moving. when we walked out, he was ahead of me, appearing to walk slow...like he was waiting 4 something. i turned around, hoping he would leave...but he turned around too and found someone else to talk to.
so we all walk out the church at the same time, and he slowly walks to his BRAND NEW...YUKON, or something...some kinda BIG suv. it's an upgrade from his little honda accord he was driving, with a busted window. i was happy for him, but remarkably unimpressed.

his sister yells across the parking lot, "6'5", go straight home!" and he says, "I have no choice." and then she proceeds to yell to me, "and chan, stay away from my brother.hahaha."
i don't laugh, i don't respond other than to say, "don't worry"
i got in my car and drove away.

that was tuesday.
friday night, we had a open mic cafe. he came...he was the first to arrive and i was still setting up, he walks in and i walk in front of him on my way out of the room and look up at him
(i love looking up at a man) but anyway, i looked up at him and told him we wouldn't be starting for another half an hour. that was the only time i spoke to him the entire night.

i was happy he was there. but i didn't let on, i ran the cafe...kept the flow moving, introduced the different acts. he sat at the front table....right in front of the mic, with his sisters.

i ended the cafe with a real cool song. it was so appropriate. i didn't make eye contact with him, he kept his eyes closed the entire time i sang...at the end of the medley he sang the last part with me...and everyone else. (it was a familiar song)
and that was it, he left...i kept cleaning and all that. i went outside to get my brother about 30 minutes after i thought 6'5" was gone, and there he was in his big ol' SUV having a heart to heart with MY BROTHER....

what's going on with that??? lol

so yeah, i still dig him a little. but i'm ok with letting it go. if he pursues me, good.
if not, good. either way....i'm out. he's just nice to look at.
altho, i did have a daydream about the dresses and invitation to my future wedding...
i kept imagining a TALL man like 6'5" as my groom...that would b kool.

strawberries and cream

2007-07-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

i just ate some strawberries with whipped cream. It was such a pleasing thing to eat...it's fairly healthy, it's pretty to look at, and great tasting...and it just inspired me to write.

eating the strawberries made me focus on how good they were, and just for a second drown out the humming of my dryer, cat in the hat playing in the living room, and the worries running through my mind.

everyone needs a strawberries and cream break sometimes...i should be cooking, or something
but i think today, i'm gonna just order out. take off my work clothes, kick off my high heels and watch cat in the hat, with my brats...lol (rhyme was so intentional there)

flaws and all

2007-07-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

i know myself pretty well... sure, i'm learning more everyday, but the years i've spent with me, have afforded me the inside info on just who and how i am.
i am happy with me, for the most part. there are areas i struggle in, things on my body i really would like to tweak...and there are things in life that down right tick me off. i am most aquainted with, probably, my flaws. that isn't to say that i don't know my strengths well, it's just that i tend to focus in on the things that aren't just right.

that's probably why i love Beyonce's song (i have the video on my side bar)

the song expresses awe at how a man can be exposed to her flaws and STILL love her. it's amazing, because generally speaking we don't accept our own flaws.
the message in the song is also overwhelming because it expresses the desire in
every woman's heart, and every man for that matter...to be loved, flaws and all.

there is a lesson in it, we have to begin by loving people despite their flaws.
As long as those flaws aren't toxic or dangerous, it is wonderful to accept people
with their extra weight,crooked teeth, idiosyncracies, and whatever...
if we check ourselves, and realize that we wanna be loved...even when we have an attitude problem, or children, or we don't have a perfect body. Maybe that'll help us to love other people...not in spite of their flaws, but because of their flaws.

i remember when i fell in love with my ex-husband. i remember upon first meeting
him, i had a million reasons i didn't want him,including his big glasses and his style of dress. but as i spent time with him i fell in love with the way he looked in his glasses, and even his attire. as he became more and more open...i loved him more.

the other night, i was kicking it with Mr. 6'5", he was sitting and i was laying and he rubbed his hand over my stomach...i winced (that is a problem area) and moved his hand. He asked me, why, and was i insecure...i admitted that i wasn't too fond of that part of my body...and he went on to tell me that i shouldn't feel like that and that i was fine...and all that. Not to say, that he is the one by any means

(i'm pretty sure he isn't) but just for that moment, i felt accepted, despite my problems.

and that's pretty kool.

it's like God. He knows us better than we know ouselves...Let me speak for me.
He has seen me through it all, the bad decisions (the many bad decisions), when my hair ain't right, when i need a shower, when i'm tired, silly, evil, rebellious, imperfect, HE STILL LOVES ME...flaws and all. Whoa!

and i know, the man is forthcoming who will love me...flaws and all...kids and all...imperfections,mood swings, morning breath and all...lol. i still believe that person exists for each of us, if we wait on God...He'll work it out.

4 real tho.

Mr. 6'5..."When I See You"

2007-06-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, so i really like this song.
It just so happens that it makes me think of...Mr. 6 foot 5,smooth bald, caramel complexion.u probably remember me writing about him. i had appoached him a while back, and he told me he was weak in some areas(we r both tryna be good Christians), so i let it go.

or so i thought.

someone asked me to invite him to something, so i called him...for that SOLE purpose, and told him i'd talk to him later. before i hung up, he stopped me to ask how i was....i told him well and got off the phone pretty quickly.
he didn't make it to the thing i invited him out to. so after the weekend passed he called me to explain why he couldn't make it.
i told him, it was no biggie and that i'd talk to him later.
he wasn't trying to let me get off the phone...that conversation ended up lasting 2hrs...within a day or two we had the chance to kick it, in a group,and later one on one. it was instant chemistry.

maybe too much so, so since, we have spoken sparingly.
first of all, we didn't have sex...
but the temptation has got me to the point of RUNNING.
i knew he was potentially dangereous.i know first hand now, so i have to pretty much
STAY AWAY, he warned me...but now i conceed.

it sux, cause i still feel like the FANTASIA song...."When I See You..."
ugh, and even when i don't see him in person, i see him when i close my eyes.
he makes me get butterflies, i feel like a little girl with a crush.

Dear, Mr 6'5,

"Your always on my mind
When you come around I'm shy
When i see you, when i see you
Never no when you might walk by
So I gotta be right on time
When i see you when i see you

I scibble X and O's in my notebook
Checking how my hair and nails look
I feel myself in the zone
I get nervous when you call
So i say im not home
I see your face when i here my Favorite song
Should i Send an email at home
Your the number 1 topic on the phone,
I wonder if you know or do you have a clue

I lay my head on my pillow
You got me staring out the window
Wish on a star for a sign
Whats the reason why Yeah..."

Her First Recital...

2007-06-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

It just so happened that the group I sing with had been booked for months to be the "entertainment" for an event on the same day as her recital.
I was determined to do both...I just didn't have it all figured out.
I didn't wanna let my group down, as each of us is essential to the group...besides it was only our 2nd paying gig...and it paid more than the first.
my babygirl...she'd been in african dance and ballet now for several months.
i could tell she was getting bored, and that was upsetting me...because i thought she was so good at it, and i knew beyond this season i couldn't force her to keep dancing.
well she got a ride with her afro/ballet teacher to her recital, and i did my singing thing, and left in enough time that i'd only be about 20 minutes late.

well don't u know, the directions were to the wrong place. i asked everyone within 5 miles of the RIGHT place...and no one knew. Until after an hour of driving around, totally lost..unable to get any info, a man gave me the wrong directions and i said NO! that's wrong...and he said, oh you must mean this other place. ?????
well he told me how to get to the other place. i get there and yes , it's the recital.
by now...i'm devasted. no one was there 4 her, i was breaking my neck to be there...
i got out my car, perspiring, no flowers, disappointed, ready to just pick her up and take her out to make it up to her...
when i walked in, i asked the lady at the door was it over...she said the second half had just begun, i said..."did i miss the little little girls??" and she said, "no, I think they are just now doing afro"...i paid 4 the ticket and ran into a huge crowded theatre....

i saw all these brown little girls in their african tutus and head wraps dancing around....
my heart was racing...i knew it was her class, my eyes scoured the stage...until i saw...
MY BABY!!
she was shaking and dancing and twirling, dipping, and stomping....waving her little arms...
unafraid.
i squealed, "i see her!" and then covered my mouth!!
Then i couldn't do anything but weep. I just cried like...I can't even explain it.
The build up, of trying to get there, getting lost, and then believing i wouldn't see her...and i walked in the door and my baby was shaking just what i gave her to the beat of the drummers.
so i cried.

i missed her do ballet...but i am buying the tape.
i'll post pix as soon as i get them back.

ohhh...btw, she likes dance now (yippie) she understands that all the practice was for a purpose...she likes being a star!!!

and I love seeing her shine!

To The FATHER'S in my Life...

2007-06-13T14:43:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone...I been missing u all so much. I have grown so, over the past years I've been blogging. It is so awesome to read back and see...where I've been, and where I'm going!
So, I used to fret over this blog...was I posting enuf? Were people reading? Who was reading??
Not now. I am just satisfied and love the opportunity to do what I love so much...write.

Ne way, Father's Day is Sunday...and I figure since my last post was in honor of my momma on mother's day...I'd go on a head and write to the daddy's in my life. So here goes...

To the FATHER of my children:
It would have been easy to skip you...to act as if you didn't exist. Yet, something inside made me acknowledge you. There is always something to complain about, but instead today, I will tell you what I am grateful for.
Thank you for giving me, 4 beautiful children. Thank you for holding my hand, and wiping my tears, and supporting me in the delivery room (every time) Thank you for helping me change so many diapers in so little years...(I calculated an it was over 7,000 diapers)
Thank you for working and contributing to the support of our children. I wish that you were more involved now, but thank you for not disappearing completely.
Thank you for loving your children, regardless of how you show it. I pray that you will become a better father as the years go on...that you will be able to help mold our sons into men..because you have discovered through Christ...what a real man is. I love you.

To my little stinky BROTHER:
So fatherhood came in with a vengence, didn't it?
Aw, but when we look at them boys...everything, every tear, every stress, every prayer...WORTH IT. But, you didn't begin being a father when cj and jay were born...
Nope! I'm writing to let you know that it is priceless, what you have meant in the lives of my children. Sometimes I worry about...are they gonna have a man to mold themselves after, then
I pause and smile to myself, cause you come to mind. Brother, you are such a WONDERFUL man! You are a man of God, you exhibit so many characteristics that I believe God for in my sons. Thank you for loving them Chris, for praying for and with them, for babysitting, for playing with them (even if it is too ruff), for going to the games, and recitals, for talking to them about school, for helping me in everyway. I thank God for you buddy!!! What would we do without you?? You are so young and already a TRUE example of what a man and especially a daddy should be. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRAT!

To my GRAND DADDY:
ok..I'm gonna try not to "cloud up" (cry) like you used to call it. Gdaddy, it hasn't been a year yet..that you have been gone. Altho, it will be a year next week since I last saw you alive. I miss you so much, and my grandmom misses you so much she is sick...visit her in her dreams, please. She misses you...she isn't eating, she needs you.
It makes me feel queasy thinking about the void you have left...but be sure that you also left behind an overwhelming since of love in me, that I almost can't put into words.
Seeing your casket lowered into the ground was almost too much, it took everything in me to remain standing. I miss you. Grandaddy, I need to put into writing...we all know that you didn't have to love us...the way you did. You loved me so much, you treated me like I meant so much to you...you held on to memories of me as a baby..getting on your back and "driving" you around for hours...lol. I know you were tired of me...but I loved my grandaddy. You loved me so much...you didn't want me to settle for less...you told me over and over. Including your dying wish to me...that I completely let go of that man who had me "bound." I just can't say it enough...thank you that I was good enough for you to love. Thank you for accepting me, and for your kind constructive criticisms...lol. I thank you, I will cherish you and your memory until we meet again. With my whole heart, I love you.

To my precious DADDY:
hey you!!! I bet you already know how much I love you. Probably because I tell you EVERY chance I get. You are the bomb! Dad, so many people love you (shake off the haters...lol) but really Dad...look at how many people that have come to the church since you have been pastor. It's amazing, people call the church just to seek your counsel, to cry on your shoulder, to ask for help in their time of need. You deliver the word...just as captivating, and proficient as any of this world's greatest orators. You have a sweet, giving, helpful, compassionate, and forgiving spirit. You dress well (mommy had something to do with that..lol) you always smell good, your teeth are perfect (haha..they better be) You are just like a big ol' chocolate covered gift from above. To everyone in your life....
Still to me, an adult, a mother...you are just my daddy. And I wouldn't have it any other way...if I could handpick a dad, hands down..It would be you.
You love me, you support me (in all my endeavors), you stand with me against the enemy, you are always there to listen, to pass off money...lol, to pray, to cry on.
Thank you for never being too busy...I know how hectic it gets. You make me so proud. I just want you to know that...I am PROUD that you are my daddy...and I will shout it from the mountain tops!!! I adore you dad!

To the FATHER of MY SOUL:
Father God...you alone are the Father of my soul. Thank you for loving me enough to send your SON. Thank you for loving me so much, that you sent me physical representations of you in my daddy, and grandfathers. Thank you for loving me...even though you know EVERYTHING about me. The things that I am ashamed of, the ugly things, the bad attitudes, my deliberate rebelliousness, despite all that, you LOVE me. WOW. Thank you for moving in my life, thank you for your promises...thank you that you are not slack concerning your promises.
Thank you that you have my steps ordered. Thank you even for the hardship, the heartache, the lessons learned from bad decision making, for the tear, the questions, the stretching...but no more ok??? Just kidding, although I hate hardship and trouble...I understand that you have purpose in all of it. Thank you God for being way more committed to me, than I am to you.
Thank you for developing me, forgiving me, for having mercy on me, but mostly, like I said...just for loving me!!! I worship, praise, and LOVE you LORD!!

A Letter to My Mother

2007-05-13T08:33:00.000-05:00

Mom,

Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa, I long for you.I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...but I won't do that.

Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.

More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.I miss you so much...I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows. I miss that.

You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you.

No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...Who'll ever love me like that?I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long.

Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.

Chandra

Whew!

2007-05-08T08:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been a minute since I've come through here.
You know me, lots going on, very busy...all that good stuff.
Let's see, about the guy in my last post. We are still cool. I'm not really interested anymore, maybe he senses that...He's been extra friendly, even offering to buy me
a belt that I told him I liked.But that's kool. I'm good.

So back to the drawing board once again.
I'm just living, trying to maintain focus and love my kiddies, and all that good stuff.
I called Trina this morning, risking waking her up after a long night at work (grr) but she was just getting in.Whew! lol. I called because, I need a pedicure so bad that if my feet scratch my leg one more time I think I'ma lose my mind. HA!
So I wanted to try to get her to go with me.We decided to wait until Thursday...I'm gonna try to survive until then.

Oh, I took the kids to see Spidey 3 yesterday. I LOVED it!!!
Wow, it wasn't exactly what I expected with the black spidey and all..but better.
So go see it. :)It was great.
I spoke to my sister-in-law...well ex sister-in-law, I suppose, yesterday. I told her I was dating my kids..lol. It's so true, and fun...for the most part. But I tried to go shopping with them. NO!!! I can't do it.They drove me crazy.
But I stopped by my one of my FAV stores..Marshalls.
I saw these guess shoes, I picked them up, tried them on, wanted them.
I told myself that I'd walk around and come back and get them.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????? I swear someone was watching me,cause
when I went back to get them...they were....GONE???!!? No more in my size.

So I sighed, and just said to myself...it was God's will, and kept the money in my pockets.
humph!Oh well...whoever the heifer is she ain't gon' wear them like I woulda. :) Just kiddin...
no I ain't, who am I foolin?

So today, I'm gonna try to get some gardening done out front. Well I have to pull up the weeds. So I'll do that, and just get somethings in order here. Tommorow I'm taking a client to see a house that she is interested in. I think that she'll like it. :) Let's pray this is the one!!
:)

Let me run, i just wanted to check back in with you...and babble a little.
Miss all u blogspot people. I'll b back soon.
Stop by my mspace too www.myspace.com/chanichew

I'm trying

2007-04-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

I work hard..to be a woman of character, and a good mother.

I work hard at it..not because I want someone to give me accolades but because I want to please God, and I want to help develop wonderful little men and woman. That's my heart's desire.

Sometimes, I feel like...I'm not doing enough. Not focused enuf on the things of God.

After all the Bible says," Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33 I don't know. It's hard work...loving my enemies..or at least trying.I have friends that say,,why try? Screw them! I feel that, but I don't wanna be that. I can't explain the motivation in me to live upright. It's foreign, even to me...but it is there.Constantly urging me to do and be better.Things don't always go as planned, Still I hope for more, I expect and await more for myself, my children. I was reading Trina's blog, and she talked about how she can look in the mirror and be happy.I wanna look in the mirror and appreciate and be certain of my beauty...I want to look in the mirror of the God's Word

and do the same thing. I don't know the purpose of this blog post. I just needed to vent.

So many thoughts, and emotions, and everyday stresses of being a good enough single mother.'Of making the best decisions for my children and for me. Knowing that on my own,

I'm incapable of doing and being good enuf...so I seek divine power from the Almighty.

On another tip, I met a man, I think I told you about him. I haven't even thought seriously about dating someone for a while. I met him at the church, altho he isn't a member there.

I eventually approached him, which is out of the ordinary for me.What he said to me threw me for a loop.At first, I felt like..oh no! he's not interested. Then he said to me that he was almost a

"sex-aholic"and that he had noticed me, saying "I be glancing at you."Basically what he said was that...normally he'd manipulate the situation but that kicking it with him could be dangerous.

He also said something along the lines of...not wanting to possibly get sexually involved (with me)without being ready for a relationship.So in my mind...I'm trying to really appreciate that he totally policed the situation for me and protected me from himself, and not see it as rejection.

I told him, "I'm out here on a limb."and in response he said...

"you are, but I'm not gonna let the limb break. I have to be responsible with your feelings."

So what's so weird? I've never had a situation like this. I know I have to let it go, and move on. If it's gonna be it will one day...but having to let it go makes me think about him all the time...ugh!

I feel like, he sees me as a woman...trying to live right and He doesn't wanna mess that up.

But I love it and HATE it at the same time.

Anyway, it's all gonna be alright. That's how I live this life

that's how I get through the rough patches...because I trust

the promises of God, that it is all gonna work out, and be alright.

Training him up....

2007-03-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

mommy and babyboy

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on my mind

2007-03-19T23:09:00.000-05:00

it is darn near...no it's actually midnite oclock...lol Tuesday morning.
knowing FULL well that my backside oughta be taking it down as we speak
i'm still up...internetting around. i swung thru here, just to check in
and then i decided, well i might as well blog.

i used to be hardcore on this sight. i know i said it before but myspace has stolen blogspot's thunder...a little bit n eway.

if u're wondering, not too much has changed. things are moving along. God is always good...lemme think about a few things i wanna mention b4 i fall over sleep...

1. i know it's old news, but the baby's smoking weed???
it's sad and crazy. the problem is that, you can charge those guys and even the mother
with gross neglect, abuse, drug charges or whatever...and it doesn't change a thing.
the mind set of way too many people concerning weed is that...
it's "natural." so they didn't SEE the problem with sharing with a
BABY!!! that's crazy! so sad...but just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

2. bring our troops home from Iraq!!! i have two friends who will be leaving to go next month.
it seems so backwardz...but what does a little ol' colored girl from jersey know??

3. while i have been loving the RISE of Jennifer Hudson...i really think she is feeling herself a bit much. hmm...she needs to b careful, you know what they say about too much pride.

4.i recently discoved that i love the KING OF PRUSSIA MALL.

5. i installed a WHOLE closet unit by my self... :)
can u believe that daddy??? i went to home depot and
got a power drill, measuring tape, and a level thingy...lol
and after 3hrs (probably a 1.5 hr job) it's done
and beautiful and i did it..lol
and i even used a high heel shoe in lieu of a hammer.
so what...it worked. :)

6. i think i can live without carbohydrates...my girlfriend and her husband tried to convince me
i'm gonna drop over and die...oh snap, maybe that's why i been having all these head and body aches...wow

7. can u believe i'm actually a soccer, well baseball mom??? fully equipped with the van and everything. (lip poked out) i'm only 26. lol. ok, it's a joy. i luv my bratz

8. i am and have been consistently single over the past few months...more so than EVER in my whole life...at least since i was 15. :). i'm proud of myself.

9. what do u do when u have a close friend in a dangerous situation?? do u tell someone who can help? tell the police?? what if she won't listen to you...is there anything that u can do besides be there 4 her and pray??? hmmm..

10. i went to sandy cove this past weekend. it was really nice. i went swimming.
that was great. i can't wait 'til summer...oh except i'ma have to have some man or terminix or something here to kill the summer bugs...everything wanna come alive. i can't sleep with flies, spiders, mosquitos, beetles or whatever else the summer brings...help me LORD!!!

ok, i'm going to bed. i miss u trina..and u too silky smooove...lol

luv u

I'm so glad...

2007-02-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

that altho I've been thru a whole lot (as most people have) that I'm not so bitter that I'm ruined. you know??
I have run into some down right bitter, angry, unreceptive people. And it's just sad.
I want to be like that Maya Angelou poem "still I rise."
You know?
Like...yes, I've endured and am even eduring still...but "like air, I rise."
that's what I want...but not just for me.
I have loved ones, that have held on to hurt for so long that they can't love...they can't recieve love. I try with all my might to not let that be me.
I want to be as close to a clean slate as possible with every new friendship and relationship.
We all have issues, I have mine and I know you have yours...but it's what we do with those issues...if we let them turn us into victims or if like Faith's song"Again" we take our bag of issues and thank God for them and say that if it weren't for all that stuff that life has thrown in my bag, I wouldn't be the worthwhile person I've become.
And it's just that decision, whether to live in that bag of issues or to own it, that determines what caliber of person we are and will be.
Bitterness and resentment are killers. Literally.
I have some hurts that I have chosen to let go, some folx I've chosen to forgive, and a life that I've chosen to live to the fullest, I have little ones looking at me...I want them to learn LOVE, ENDURANCE, PEACE, and JOY...
I want the same for you.
((hugz))

Here's a biblical perspective:
Overcoming Bitterness and Resentment

By CBN.comCBN.com –

When you are offended or disappointed by others and allow the hurt to germinate in your heart, bitterness and resentment will take root. Characterized by an unforgiving spirit and generally negative, critical attitudes, bitterness and resentment are sinful and self-defeating. They will color your conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions. Allowed to fester, they will destroy and kill (Galatians 5:19-21). However, they can be dispelled with love.

What Scripture Says
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:14,15).
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32).
"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (I Peter 2:23).
"Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..." (Luke 23:34).
"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15).
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21).

How To Be Free From Bitterness and Resentment
Life depression and other emotional stress, bitterness and resentment can aggravate or cause physical problems such as arthritis. You can be affected mentally, spiritually and otherwise. Your relationships will always suffer.

God can free you from this sin. It is an oppressive and destructive emotion having its root in hate, which is likened to murder. You must repent. No one can have peace and happiness with such emotions tearing at him. If you have not done so, ask God to forgive you and to come into your life right now. He will deliver you from the power of the enemy (Psalm 91:3).
If you are already a Christian, you should still ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask Him to forgive anyone who may have hurt you, and toward whom you are bitter or resentful, even as He forgives you.

Look for opportunities to demonstrate love to the person who offended you.
God forgives and forgets sin. However, you may have made your best effort to forgive and forget and find that you cannot. God can help you to cleanse your memory. Instead of remembering with malice and hurt, remember with forgiveness. Then go one step further and ask God to forgive your offender. By forgiving and then asking God to forgive your offender, you release God to bless you and the other person. As You Pray
Pray in this manner:

Father, I acknowledge that I've held resentment and bitterness against _______________. I confess this as sin and ask you to forgive me. I forgive __________________. Remind me, Lord, to not hold any more resentments, but rather to love this person. Father, I ask you to also forgive ______________________.
Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. In Jesus' name, Amen.

If you prayed that prayer, please send us an e-mail to let us know. Or you can call our National Counseling Center at (800) 759-0700. We would love to talk with you and send you some literature to help you continue in your walk with the Lord.

unfinished product

2007-02-18T05:12:00.000-05:00

i wrote this poem a few months back.. i never finished it... i wasn't pleased with it... what do u think?? (sometimes unfinished is best..i dunno)

i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?

cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away
and tho i try to hide it
it's back BEFORE SUNSET.

and i CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear the sweet lyrics
from your BEAUTIFUL MIND.
and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.

so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll RETURN TO ME.

they keep saying i should give this up...
but they NEVER BEEN KISSED by you.
and people can SAY ANYTHING they want to

i know it's cause they don't know
how a LOVE JONES can be, like...
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you

and there was that day u took my breath away...
but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath i breathe hope
of our TRUE LOVE come to....

Life stuff

2007-02-18T04:59:00.000-05:00

So the gospel cafe @ my church just passed...and it was beautiful. I mean, it was just like I imagined...well almost anyway. but we had a great time and it gave us a visual for the things to come. i was able to do a few numbers on the M-I-C. (lol) My brother did a few of his spoken word poems, and like always...they amazed me. He is so talented. I got to hear a few other people get free with their talents that we didn't know they had...and that was hott.The next one is March 9th...and I'm excited about that too. God is a good God and I love that He doesn't stay in a box...He allows us to lift Him up in so many different wayz.
On another note...I met this man a few days back. As soon as I walked in the building I spotted him...more than likely it was his stature tho. He was very tall...maybe 6' 5"...probably about 300lbs. Caramel complexion...seemed quiet enough. Without ever directly acknowleding one another, we were both very aware of each other. Turns out he's a friend of mines brother. hmmm..
He's single, 30 something, and saved. He writes music and sings like...some kind of angel. My instinct is to think about it a little more... to flirt and all that kind of thing. Oh let me back track a little...After our first encounter, we saw each other 3 additional times, the second time we sat down and talked for about 10 minutes and then the last we hugged and kept it moving. I know he knows I'm feeling him. I feel the need to let it go, to notice him...but not try to make him mine. ya dig?
If this was 2006...(lol) I'd definitely try to pursue him, but I'm feeling more like I need to just fall back and if say, God has him in mind for me...He'll come after me. I know that's the thing to do...but to pull back and refocus on other things is sometimes difficult...especially cause when he comes around...I tend to get distracted. Oh and I sense a bit of interest from him too...He initiated all of our conversations, told me he has a song he wants me to sing, plays with my kids, and said that he would come to my groups rehearsals on the weekend even tho he is committed to being elsewhere. :)
But anyway...I'm calming myself down. I tend to jump the gun a bit. I told u b4, it's kool being single. I used to wait for my phone to ring. Now I'm so trife...I screen EVERY phone call...and got the nerve to get an attitude if my phone rings too much...or too little. (so silly)
I had been talkin to a local "celebrity" also. I actually contacted him...just in a joking kinda way. My email was titled "you might as well marry me." lol. well wouldn't u know, it must have amused him...because we have been going back and forth since..and that was a few months back. He actually read my email on the "air" lmbo. who'da thunk it? We had emailed back and forth several times. I was getting tired of the cat and mouse and left him my number 2x and ultimately said 4get it. So he called me the last 2 weekends in a row. We spoke 2x and had a decent convo.
I didn't know what to make of it. He does a show in philly and chicago. I know women come at him all the time and that originally had me to the point of "nevermind, I don't care." But then he called me...I guess it's not a big deal. He said that we should go to a "show" next weekend. I don't know what to do. I definitely am not interested in being one of his groupies...but I don't wanna just cut off my nose to spite my face. I mean, how do I even know that he's really interested?
That's why I'ma just let it be. Que sera' sera'...because that's where my trust in God comes into play. ya know? If I believe that He's got all this under control, and that He will order my steps...ain't no need in my trying to manipulate anything. (and manipulation is definitely in my nature...just being real)
I'ma let go and let God and see what's the end gon' be...lol (i'm so church-a-fied) lol.

It would be fly, if u were my B-u-d-d-y

2007-01-21T02:30:00.000-05:00

This picture has got to be a joke right? Can u believe how that man is posing, look @ his shoulders? I thought it was a riot, don't they just look...HAPPY?

ne way, have u heard that new song by Musiq, B-U-D-D-Y?
If so do you like it? i really am feeling the groove to that song...I LOVE Musiq almost as much as D'angelo and sweedish fish...almost. His soul, philly vibe is so tight. so as i listened i got the drift of what he was referring to. "friends with benefits"
LYRICS HERE
the song is so smooth that i wanted to be down with the message...
i let my mind wander back some to my last "buddy."
*flashbacks*
yeah, i'm glad i'm through that phase...

everyone has their different opinions and in this day and age, anything that is self beneficial is
the way to go. therefore, i'm almost embarassed to say that i'm past the whole "buddy" thing.
i'm just not built like that and the times that i tried it, i didn't like the emotionless person i was becoming. so, the "buddy" thing definitely isn't for me.
i think i'd be my own buddy first.pun intended.
doen't the "buddy" thing always get ruined? someone always catches feelings.
what about the times that "buddy" status isn't clearly laid out, and one person thinks they are in a REAL relationship.

anyway, i'll pass. i'm hoping that the next "buddy" i have will be my buddy for a lifetime.
btw, did u get the same meaning from the song?

OHHHH and do u just love this Robin Thicke or what???
Did you know his dad is Alan Thicke from Growing Pains? Some useless trivia 4 you.

ttyl

In 2007

2007-01-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

I suppose that although by now, you've heard it a bunch of times, it is still appropriate for me to say Happy New Years everyone!
I am happy to be in yet another year. The year 2006 tried in so many ways to steal from me...my joy, creativity, hope, perseeverence, patience, my life. BUT...it did not win!

I don't know what to expect this year, but I anticipate that better things areahead. So, rather than making a list of things I plan to do in 2007, I have decided to make a list of the things that I did in 2006. I've heard it said many, many times before that if you do the same things, you are assured to get the same results. I want different results in my life, so that calls for an assesment of me, my choices, attitudes, practices, and company. I think that's where change starts.

Good news is, the kids and I are finally at "home." I didn't have to have Christmas on the floor and furnishing my home is coming along...slowly but surely. Still I have a place to be, that's great. I have two new real estate clients and I am really focused on using my knowledge in real estate in other ways that aren't so coventional, or dependent on someone wanting to buy and sell with me as their agent.

I never thought or stayed inside of the box,living what others might describe as risky. I don't see it that way though...I live by faith. I see things differently. People all around me talk about what's logical, what makes sense, what's gonna work...and a part of me agrees but a deeper urging makes me stand my ground despite the disapproving stares and comments.

It has paid off in the past and I anticipate even greater returns.
So...in 2007, I don't want to do the same or expected things that I've done in the past. I'm looking forward...and meeting Ruben Studdard, who knows??
It could happen. :)

Silence,Surfing,Shopping, RUBEN STUDDARD, Love, Life and Holiday Cheer!

2006-12-22T08:59:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone...
it's been a while, and I've actually found myself lamenting about the decline of fun posts
that I've written. Perhaps lately it's been a case of "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So I've been surprisingly silent. In lots of places in my life. I generally write in my prayer journal too...but lately the pages have gone blank. I still pray, but my quiet writing time...
I suppose things have come to a grinding halt in my life and now I'm just riding a wave. So you know as you ride, you're so busy holding on for dear life, that you have no time to do anything else. That's where I'm at.
Timing on moving into my house has been delayed...and that alone is frustrating, but we didn't have a place to be in the interim...but God is still good, because He gave me an idea and it worked for now. Prayerfully everything will work out so that we are in my place in the next few days.
I'm over crying...I've done plenty of that. So now like I said, I'm just holding on.
I took the kids to see Santa...that was my actual FIRST indulgence in the holiday season.
I also bought myself a few clothes...not because I can just do that, but because I needed it so badly.
I lost a lot of clothes and shoes and other things...because of a horrible situation, and that had me devastated. Still my dad encouraged me that it was ok, because it just made room for new and better things. :) So I went to NY & Co and got some nice things because they were having a 50% off sale. OFF OF EVERYTHING. I asked the sales person if there was some kind of hitch, did I have to spend a certain amount first?? She just laughed and said EVERYTHING was 50% off. WOW. So, I got some things I needed. :) That made me smile.
I haven't dated, or even been able to keep up with anyone of the opposite sex. I don't care usually, but I think this time of the year makes me miss being held. The warmth and comfort of just having someone there. Going through all the struggles of life with someone else, helps.
Ah, but no time for fantasizing. lol.

Well..one more fantasy, I dreamed last night about Ruben Studdard. Our wedding, what I'd wear, Who would come, What he'd say...and how I'd cry. (lol) I remembered I couldn't just send my family invitations, cause SOMEONE would sell the info to the paparazzi...lmbo.
So we'd have to put them on a bus to a "secret location"....hehehe.
This is a how a sista gets by when life is rough :)
I am serious tho about getting a chance to date Ruben...because I believe that if we could have a date...the rest would be history. :) So I'm thinking about doing an experiment like the movie "My Date With Drew" 'cept it'll be "My Date with Ruben!"
hmmm...
ya'll think I'm playing.

On another note, I hate having to split my kids on the holiday. I hate it...I wish my ex-husband woulda just been a husband. I wish we coulda just been a family...I wish He didn't lie so much, and think He could just push me around and manipulate me. I wish He loved me. I wish He knew what LOVE is. I wish I wasn't so naive and needy for His affection in the first place...He was my high school sweetheart, and I believed everything He said, I loved him sooo much.
Remember my post about there being two sides to me??
Well the rational and adult side of me is HAPPY that it's over. Happy I don't have to deal with the abuse, the pathological lying, the drugs, the confusion, the bad company that he kept...
his mom (which is a WHOLE 'notha post)....I'm happy to be free from that bondage.
Then the little girl still loves him and just wants him to be near.
But...life goes on. I told him that he can have the kids over night Christmas Eve, but to bring them to me Christmas morning. I'm worried that He will keep me waiting. Maybe I should go get them. Christmas day is the most important day for me to be with my kids...
What would you do??

Regardless, I'm happy to be alive and to be healthy and to have my children. That's a blessing in it self. I found out that one of my best friends may have cancer. I don't really accept that report. She will be going to see the cancer doctor soon and I will try to go with her. I love her and she is only 27...she had cancer before, but they gave her a hysterectomy and it was removed. I'm just praying that it is NOT a cancerous tumor. Then this morning I got news that one of the young girls I mentor has been in the hospital for several days, because they believe she is having heart problems. She is only about 15...
So there are other things in life that matter way more than the trivial things that I sometimes think I'm gonna die without. I am grateful for the reminders and prayerful that these people close to me and all the people "sick" over the holidays would find healing and peace.

WHEW...I got it all out. (lol)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

The Most Wonderful Time...

2006-12-06T04:01:00.000-05:00

So it's Christmas time, and I usually LOVE all the excitement, the shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating...all that. This year things seemed to have rushed up on me...way too quickly. It's still so pretty out...the lights, the trees, even the Christmas music. Because of all the things going on, I haven't been able to just bask in the ambiance of the holidays. But it's ok.

My group and I are going shopping Thursday...we've been asked to sing at the Christmas Luncheon Saturday...so we are shopping for a specific look, so that's exciting.
Most of my friends are busy or out of town. I want to go see "A Christmas Carol" play, but since it isn't a "Mamma I wanna sing" type of play, I think I'll be hard pressed to find someone to go with. I'm gonna run it past a few folx and see what happens. Other than that, I don't have much planned this month. Well, I am moving, which is wonderful, but has been a bit stressful. Also my car is dying. I was planning to get another car the end of January...but I'm afraid the car might not hang on that long. ugh... I have to try to get furniture for the new place, and christmas gifts for the kids.
There is always something to be worried about, but I choose not to complain. Because I'm actually so blessed. My brother was telling me a few days ago about two homeless men that he saw the night it was raining cats and dogs. He said they were on a bench holding a newspaper over their heads. It almost made me cry. I see homeless people all the time, and I'm so jaded...I don't even acknowledge them.But when he mentioned that it hit me in my heart because, they only had paper over their heads, not a roof. I have always had a roof, clothes, warmth, and television(lol). Things that are so easy to take for granted.
My issue is not having furniture to put in my house,but there are many people who would just love to have a house, or healthy children. So, naw, I don't have much to complain about..
It is also so great to have the friends and family that I have as a support system.
I have so many people that love me, encourage me, believe in me, stand with me, pray with me...I can't ask for much more.So even if me and the kids have Christmas in our home with a tree and a blanket on the floor...

I am happy and blessed, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

watching tv

2006-12-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

i love the idea of sitting back and relaxing while watching tv. but i can't do it. i am always preoccupied, i can never sit and watch an entire show.

AND i want to. :( do u ever have that problem?

i remember two summers ago...i literally spent a whole month of days sitting on my couch with my brother and jason watching movies. i miss being able to sit still and enjoy something.

apparently my brain has been working overtime for the past year. i don't even sleep good.i'm either in a coma and wake up confused...lol...or i wake up every coupla hours thinking about whatever was on my mind when my eyes first closed.

i have a tendency to self diagnose too. i have been having some memory loss and i asked a nurse what she thought caused it, and she told me it wasn't child birth (my assumption) but probably stress. i wanted to check so i looked it up on webmd and sure 'nuff...the top cause of short term memory loss was stress and anxiety.wow huh?

so, i'm trying to relax, pray, take it easy, breathe...and watch some tv dag on it, 'cause i don't know WHY i pay Comcast!

You gotta b kiddin me!

2006-12-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

that's all i wanna know.
i MUST have a sticker on my forehead that says:
" easy to hurt, FOOL...kick where ever!"
i can't believe what my weekend has consisted of. wow.

let's begin with....
my bdiddy was supposed to get the kids this weekend. he calls and asks me to bring them to him since he didn't have the vehicle he normally drives. he said he was getting a ride home and should be there around 5pm. so i reluctantly agree to bring them to him. i get there at 6pm and not only is he no where to be found, but his mother tells me that he had the car ALL DAY.
wow.
so i drive away.furious! headed to church for choir rehearsal and my tire blows on the highway.
i limped the car for a mile to a gas station and was able to get the donut on. double furious.
anyway, once things get better with the car...i gather my composure and arrive to church late.
one of the young girls had asked me to do her hair. i agreed...but when i get to rehearsal..i don't see her. i found out she was there, but just in another part of the building.
so when she comes to me, i sit her down to do her hair and it was FILTHY. then her sister comes in the room saying their ride was about to leave. so i put her scarf back on and tell her to find out if she was leaving and that i thought she needed to go home anyway because her hair needed to be washed. she never returned to tell me anything, so i assumed she left with her ride.
i start practicing with my group and about 30 minutes into my practice my dad's wife comes in the room to say something to someone in there and then she leaves. maybe 15 minutes after that i see my dad. (who wasn't at the church and looked like he had just walked outta his house) he looks like something is wrong and motions for me to come to him.
so i get up and walk over to him and he proceeds to tear me a new one.
i was like, "what's wrong?" he said, "it's unacceptable that those kids were down stairs in the sanctuary in the dark"...and so on. I was like, "dad! i didn't even know they were he..."
He cut me off and said there was no excuse. So now, I'm furious again...and frustrated and confused. Now I am the co-youth director at our church, but there were 3 other adults there...including the other youth director and my dad's wife had JUST left, right before he walked in the door.
Not to mention that I had not brought any of the youth there and I wasn't taking anyone home. Once they left (i thought with their rides) I was off duty. Three of the children that were there were with their guardian and the other ones had manuevered their way out of leaving with their ride, without EVER telling me that they were still there, needed a ride or anything. ugh.i guess they figure...oh we can tell Chandra anything...she'll go for the oki-doke.

So now my dad's mad at me, I'm pissed at the kids, and what do you know????
I get a phone call from this girl's mom saying that she had to "pray before I called you, so I wouldn't go off." I just said, "okay."
why was my girlfriend was in the background almost doing flips she was so angry...she was lip syncing "hang up!...what is she saying???...give me the phone!" lol
i just handled the call and the mom said that she was gonna handle the girl, but that i should never have trusted HER daughter because she is only 13. so. ok.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....of course, b-diddy, back on tha scene. tryna see what else he can shake up. i NEVER go for it easily...but he always wears me down. So he begs me to come see him, he needed to "talk" to me and he said he would get my tire fixed. i said no and went home to go to sleep. he called about 8 times between last night and this morning trying to convince me to come over. After the fifth call this mornin, I say "ok"
All this, after he had tried to convince me that it was "over" between he and his girlfriend.
hmmm??? i shoulda knew better.
so i when i got there, the phone rings. it was her. u know how u can just tell by the body language? so he sees me out of the corner of his eye and he says to her, "i'ma call u back."
i'm thinkin "here we go." so i said calmly, "why LaMar" as soon as I said that...He hangs up on her. So she proceeds to keep calling back to back. I'm like "pick up the phone" ...lmbo. so now he just wants me to leave. He gave me the money for the tire and says ..."leave."
I wasn't going for it that easily tho. So she calling...he's picking up every other call...and don't u know she asked to speak to me?
So he hands me the phone...
her: what's going on?
me: what do you think?
her: what do u mean?
me: u know what's up, i don't have nothing else to say.
*click*
of course the phone keeps ringing. all i can think is...this is so stupid. i kept hearing that Toni Braxton song playing in my head. (download it...it's called STUPID)
He is an idiot and I STILL love him. that's downright DUMB.

Remember...a few post backs, I wrote about two sides of me?? That weak side revisited. I can't wait for a fresh slate tommorow. Cause these last two days have been OFF the hook. sheesh.

relationships

2006-11-27T18:00:00.000-05:00

i just thought it would b cute to post this pic. this is me and my ex-boyfriend (not husband) lmbo. he and i are still very kool. but i just got news that he is not doing so well...and it just makes me sad. but i hope that his life can be turned around. **hey u, in the pic...u won't read this, at least for a few months. but i pray for you often. God loves you baby, and so do i.

i was thinking today...

actually for the last few weeks, relationships and love have been on my mind.

but i'm not referring to just relationships with the opposite sex, but in general.

i have learned so much over the past 7 weeks that my church has been collectively doing a study called 40 Days of Community. It has done wonders for me to clarify a lot of things, and to emphasize the importance of relationships. God made us to have friendships and family relationships...it is not by chance, we need each other, we make each other better, we strengthen each other, we encourage each other, we bring joy and happiness to one another, and we help complete each other.

i was recently shocked at this girl i know...i heard her telling someone that she didn't like her family, so she wasn't gonna spend the holidays with them. rather, she opted to stay home alone. her entire immediate family was together and wanted her to come...but she didn't care. i was amazed at that.

one of the major things that i've learned is that all real relationships are WORK. anything that isn't tested often is not for real. it is so important to make room for people, their idiosynchrocies, bad habits or whatever else. none of us are perfect and a part of building relationships is accepting people and being understanding about those "ways" that they may have that rub us the wrong way. i sure want to be accepted and loved just like i am.

i'm not saying that we have to stay in toxic or abusive relationships, but i am saying that not everyone who does something that is irritating should be cut off. perfect example, i recently made a new friend. Her name is Tasha, she is beautiful, intelligent, and she can SANG her hiny off! but when i met Tasha...she made a comment about the Chex Mix i was eating(lmbo)...she said, "that's not good for you." i said, "you don't even know what it is." she responded, "well whatever it is, it isn't good for you." i just rolled my eyes and kept it moving. but i later told a mutual friend that i could already tell that i wasn't gonna mix well with her.

But now, I love her so much, it's stoopid. *hehehe* it has only been maybe 9 months since we first met. i honestly believe that God brought us into each other's lives right on time. we are helping each other thru some crazy stuff...even now. she pushes me. she believes in me, when i'm like, "i can't do that." she'll say, "you didn't even try." i dig that SO much. that's all i ever wanted in a friendship...i don't have to be anything but me with her. and her with me.

now how hot is that??

and just to think that i was about to dismiss her the day i met her...lmbo

yes, there r things about her that make me wanna scream. she is a bit of a perfectionist, i think she worries too much about what people think and how things appear, she has an aggressive personality, a little diva at times...all the things that irritate me about MYSELF. (lol)

i almost walked out on our friendship already more than once...because it is not easy.

but i won't take the easy route out..because we are gifts to each other.

the other night...i was going through. i felt like i was on the verge of a break down. i had an appointment to meet with her at her crib. so i showed up, but things weren't going according to plan. i was getting ready to leave without saying what was on my heart. she said, "Chan, what's going on with the *****?" I stopped in my tracks because it was the exact issue i was stressed about. i couldn't believe it, so i said, "what made u ask me that?" she said she didn't know. so i started telling her...and broke down crying.

she grabbed my hand and said," let's pray." we walked in another room, away from the kids and she, i, and our friend Marcus began to pray. she and Marcus prayed for me...i couldn't talk, i could hardly breathe between sobs. i've never quite had something so powerful initiated by my friends before. it was amazing.

relationships really are so precious. and are worth the work.

i'm learning so much about genuine LOVE. and starting with loving myself, i'm not settling for that psuedo stuff anymore. i recognize the real deal. i'm doing just fine right now too, "single, saved, satisfied", and better than okay!!

Why I'm Cheesing...

2006-11-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

Ignore the date on my pic. the calender is not set on my cam. i'm not tech savvy...but i can click. lol.
ne way, r u wondering why i am cheesin here in this pic?
well, it's because my dad had just blessed the food and said "dinner is served!!" :)
now that's just greedy. lmbo.
honestly, i was just really happy to be with my family and enjoying thanxgiving. it's been a great two days. but do you wanna know why my face is still looking just like tha picture?
it's called BLACK FRIDAY!!!
listen, this mornin i was the early bird....and boy if i didn't get the dag on worm.!!! *whewweee*
my brother and i got to Circuit City at 4:40 am, but the line was stooopid. he was frustrated so we left...our next stop was Wally world. we got there at 5:00. the line was long but it was moving quick. we got in there and i was feeling dazed and confused cause it was a crazy barrage of folx fighting for carts...my brother was nearby and caught eye contact with me and said "BOGARD!" then i got the umph i needed to grab a cart and push thru the crowd. I was like, "thanx for the pep talk brah!"
so we started moving toward electronics and i almost fell down laughing because i couldn't get over the grown behind MEN power walking through the underwear section to get to electronics. it was a good thing we took the same route 'cause we found the TV my brother wanted hidden in the isle after the underwear...far from the electronic section...we saw those TVs and was like "jackpot!" we high fived!!!

then he said...we need another cart. so he peeked around the corner and saw an abandoned cart...he looked around then grabbed that joint. we decided to split up since we couldn't move around the electronic section...it was like 200 people tryna get in.

i dipped off to housewares and got everything i could find on sale. (lmbo) my bro was tryna get to electronics to get a portable dvd player...well...i was in housewares getting my slow cookers and coffee pots, and i discover an abandoned portable dvd...i snatched it up so quick and called my brother's cell phone to tell him he no longer had to fight the barbarians!!! ha!

we met in the isle and high fived again!!! YES!!
we went to the cash register and cleaned up for under $200....whew!!!!
we skipped our happy grown behinds outta there.
then we decided to swing past Sears on a whim. we got there around 5:45....and they gave $10 gift cards to the first 200 customers. SO....we both got one of them. :)

we were able to get my son a nice huffy bike, some jewelry for my baby girl, my brother got a bunch of clothes and toys for the babies...and some other random stuff...
we felt like we were stealing.

we did all that, ate breakfast...and now i gotta get my butt to the office. i'm on floor 9am-12pm.i'm gonna be cheesing all the way there. ahhh...moments like these are priceless. for everything else, there's mastercard.

wow. i'm dumb.

ttyl :)

a snippet from my life

2006-11-21T17:38:00.000-05:00

have u ever heard that if you r bad or don't believe in santa you'll get coal for christmas?
well here is my 4yr old's version of that: *riding in the car going home...

jojo: santa is gonna come. santa sees what we're doing. santa and jesus know what we're doing.

(*ok...don't even comment. i teach truth and allow some childhood fantasy)

yaya(oldest son):humph

jojo: i don't care if you don't believe in santa. i believe in santa.

yaya:whatever

jojo:if you don't believe in santa, you're gonna get a COLD for christmas. so now.

*dead* i love my kids.

hmm...they say BLACK PEOPLE DON"T READ

2006-11-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

Read this article, supposedly written by a white man about Blacks and tell me how you feel about what is being said.

THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES
We can continue to reap profits from theBlacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the currentmethods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE, GREED,and SELFISHNESS. Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment. A great man oncesaid, "The best way to hide something from Black people is to put it ina book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of theirfight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous booksreadily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com, not tomention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints toreach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along),but few read consistently, if at all.

GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. Blacks, since theabolition of slavery, have had large amounts of money at their disposal.Last year they spent 10 billion dollar s during Christmas, out of their450 billion dollars in total yearly income (2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture wecare to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Beingprimarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed. Theycontinually want more, with little thought for saving or investing. They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness. Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy orFUBU, And they still think that having a Mercedes, and a big house givesthem "Status" or that they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue tosee huge profits like those of Tommy and Nike (Tommy Hilfiger has evenjeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look at how thefools spend more with him than ever before!). They'll continue to showoff to each other while we build solid communities with the profits fromour businesses that we market to them.

SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Duboissaid that there was an innate division in their culture. A "TalentedTenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there aresegments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success.However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't readthat the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-TalentedNinety Percent in achieving a better life. Instead, that segment hascreated another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people oraids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what wehave. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to work togetheron any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get together,their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal Theirso-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their namewithout making any real change in thei r community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels,and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the bestspeakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness?They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but oneor two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the controlof our pens in our offices and our rooms.

Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to read,continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping"their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little otherthan hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worryabout any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!

(Prove them wrong. Please pass this on! After Reading it..)

***so what do u guys think??***

My Hope is In God

2006-11-17T16:48:00.001-05:00

"No one whose hope is in YOU
will ever be put to shame"
Psalm 25:3 a

Up tooo early

2006-11-14T04:27:00.000-05:00

so it's 4 something Tuesday morning and I'm WIDE awake. I want to go back to sleep because I'm pretty sure I'll pay for my alertness a little later in the day.God is good.
lots and lots on my mind.

time is rushing by, and there are some advantages to that...i'm a little afraid that it'll rush right by me, without me getting the things done that need to be done. ugh. i'm up against a deadline and that is crazy, not to mention that my day ahead is packed. i have a client to take out, and other such running around to do.

i know, that somehow it will work out. i have faith that the things that seem overwhelming will ultimately come together just in the way it should.

i told Treen, i'd help her paint today...and to be honest, even tho I have fifty other things to do at work, that is my priority. So maybe i'll take a change of clothes with me, so I can get dirty and paint at least a wall...or a door way, or something. lol

i was able to see my friend from Trinidad. it turned into a way more pleasant visit than i'd have ever expected or have been able to predict. so that's good. he got to sit in on one of my rehearsals with my group and he seemed to really enjoy that. i really love, how committed he is to the Lord. it is rare...and refreshing. i'm just happy things worked out.

well...lemme do something with myself...go to sleep, pray...something.
until later

Liquid Sunshine...My Life

2006-11-08T16:42:00.000-05:00

today is a rainy day here in the northeast. it's kool tho, the kids had off for some reason or another. so we chilled. but my morning started off stressful. it was a test, how was i gonna react to the craziness. i had to have a certain amount of money, my cell wasn't operating, the needed money wasn't in my account, and my friend from Trinidad called and told me he'd be arriving in philly around 1pm. i felt like my head was gonna pop. not to mention, this place needed to be cleaned, i needed to start getting things in order around here...time to start purging and packing.
so i figured, i gotta just roll with it, i prayed "God you see what's going on, I know you're gonna show up."
i needed to take that money somewhere by noon, and my friend...well i wanted to entertain him. so my frustration level was rising. ugh....

so i started straightening everything and throwing stuff away and all, then i get a call from the lady i had planned to meet and she tells me it's ok if i come tommorow. *phew* then my Trini friend calls and says he has to reschedule until next week. *double phew*
so i ended up being able to relax a little, work from home a little, and be in a stress free and much more organized enviornment!

everything turned out ok. God is good, and things always work out, i'm starting to see the pointless-ness (lol) of worry. i'm learning a bunch, my perception of things is way more important than i ever thought! i know about the rain in life...but sometimes when it rains, the sun stays shining and the rain doesn't seem so bad, it's almost beautiful. :) that's my life.

on a silly note, i put on some jeans today...that i normally hate...but for some reason today, they made me look like i had a nice hiny...*hehehe*
i love that, i mean it's no "delicious" (from flavor of luv)...lol...but it's aiight.

seriously tho, i'm hopeful about the things that are going on in general in my life. i have to go pick up my brother from the train station in an hour...i'm glad he's coming.:) unfortunately, we have to sing in a funeral on saturday. a lady from my church, probably under 40 died suddenly. it's really sad and shattering for many of us. what's worse is that she was a single mom of two boys...both under 11. The oldest is one of the kids in the choir i direct. so you know my heart is crushed...i went to see him, he seemed ok, but i told him and his grandmom that i was gonna be here, for whatever and everything and that if he needed rides, or just wanted to get out, i am here.

everytime i think about the coming service, i feel like someone punched me in the stomach. i can imagine how he feels, because i been there, and i was 15...he's not even a teenager yet.

so pray for the Ward family. thanx. and if u live up here, go play in the rain. :)

((hugz)) everyone!
~chan

Foolishness and Excitement

2006-11-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

i have lots and lots on my mind.
some great, some strange, some unnerving.

i feel violated because...
i was just on the phone with my exhusband and he asked me if i went to the "picture people" on monday. and i got this eery feeling...like i was being watched. that crap pissed me off.
so i said yeah, how'd u know? he said his girlfriend saw me and the family coming out of there and reported to him. (at least i looked cute...lol)
why am i so irked by it? because she observed me and the kids and my other family members and never said hello...or let us know she was there. covert op???
lmbo. it just irked me. but whatever.
i swore i wasn't gonna go here on this blog, since i know he and more than likely she are visitors to this blog. but ooooooooh well.

i'm ticked off because he has created this whole picture of me and our situation to his girlfriend and his family that I won't let him see his children.
what's crazy is that, i probably want them to have a relationship with their daddy more than he wants it with them. :( probably. this man will go weeks and not call, he works in the TOWN we live in and never stops by...and when i mention that to him, he says that he doesn't want to come over and have "drama" with me...
my mind is blown everytime he repeats this lie to me. in all the years, thru all the bs we've been thru...i've NEVER given that man grief about coming to see or spend time with his kids.
i used to be the pursuer...calling him every other weekend to see if he was gonna take the kids.
i recently stopped that, and therefore he is in the position to initate his visits, but he rarely does. he got them last weekend because for whatever reason he felt like being a dad, and called to get them after a month. perhaps the people around him were asking about the kids. i dunno.
but i honestly know the truth. i know what's behind his sudden inability to even be civil with me.
but i won't say...but i know. the anger that comes out of him toward me can only come from one thing. so i just breathe easy, and say to myself..."it's alright." Trina was just talking to me about it this weekend...she knows what it is too. It's sad when you can't be honest with yourself..you know? When your existence becomes a lie and the lie becomes the truth. *smh* But life keeps moving, no matter what direction you choose, u know?

i am actually okay with it being over between us and him moving on with his life. i'm happy for him, and especially if somewhere in the deal he becomes a better father. i even secretly hope that he marries this girl, or some girl and makes it official. :) good and gooder...lol
but for now, i'm not ready for him to be having family outings with the kids and this woman and her kids. my children, especially my oldest have expressed that they dislike the her...and that is to be expected, so I don't weigh it too heavily. Still, I don't ignore it either...kids are BS detectors. you know?

The thing is, that I've learned that my children are way too precious to expose to different men that come in and out of my life. So with the exception of one man that I was with (which I now wish i could change) they haven't been around anyone. I feel like in the situation with their father, it should be the same thing. Sure, he's an adult...but he's got a track record of being irresponsible and not making the best decisions for himself or our kids. One of which almost killed our daughter...but that's a whole 'nother post. or not.

Everytime, I try to have an adult, calm conversation with him about this or anything pertaining to our parental partnership it goes sour. He tells me that it's "one-sided" that side being mine, of course. Then I think to myself...hmmmm....
yes it might be one-sided...
seeing as how you have the option to be daddy or not. sh** ,you can take a week or two or even a few months off and be just fine. but, when they are struggling in school, or needing some fatherly discipline or instruction...i have to provide that. i am always mommy, always daddy, always working, always providing...even when child support doesn't come.
i remember when he called me to say "i'ma be taking off for 6 weeks, so you won't be getting C/S." i just laughed to myself and took it on the chin. i wish i could "take off" providing.
yeah, the conversation mighta been a bit one-sided since i take the boys to get their hair cut, and i to take them to try outs, wipe their tears, rub sick tummys, take them to the eye doctors, pay for school pictures, new clothes, shoes, underwear, food, snacks, endless field trips and trips to the laundromat, book fairs, school fund raisers, mommy-can- i-haves, trips to the movies,bowling, parites, costumes, need i go on??? i have to help with homework after a long day of working, read and sign an endless bevy of paperwork from school, drive them everywhere and pick them up. i have to push my body, when i'm about to fall over. it's just me. i don't have anyone else besides God. (and He is enough) I'm NOT complaining, but my ex-husband gets them on the weekend he chooses? and scoffs at me when He feels like the conversation is one-sided??? wow.

and to think, all this from a man...who all i ever did was love?
sure we both made mistakes. but i never stopped loving that man,
or being in his cheering section. and i know he knows that, because
no matter where each of us were in life...
who we were with, seperated or together, when life came at him
hard...I was always who He called.

but this, along with all the other things in life that seem unjust
i try to take in stride. you know? keep moving forward,
keep pressing into being the wonderful woman that the
struggles (God has allowed) have made me into.

my grandfather told me something...
he told me how to handle this situation, before He died.
He told me that I need to regain control of my heart
and my circumstances. It was his last wish for me,
and he told me how to do it. I thought it was extreme
but He was right...."Yes grandaddy, I will do more than just hear you"

On the other side of all of this...I just got some of the best news EVER.
Something I have anticipated for a long time, prayed about, hoped about
is happening for me. It is an amazing dream come true!!!
God is still in the blessing business! I know, when I think of this blessing
that the hardships and the heartache have not gone unnoticed by God.
He is blessing me immeasurably! and He is promoting me in crazy ways!!

Remember I said I was on the verge of something big...
It's all starting to unfold, and I have never been more grateful!!

♥((hugs)) everyone!♥

~chan

***oh and i had the chance to speak to j.♥ ♥ i been hoping to see him and i saw him the other day and had the courage to say something to him, it turned into a half hour convo and it just feels good!! :) ***

On the Verge of Something

2006-10-25T13:35:00.000-05:00

i don't know why i ever leave the "drawing board" because i keep coming back to it.
it's almost funny, my life is about a continual return to the basics.
i'm not much for explaining right now.

everything is pretty much the same. my life, for the last year has been on the verge of...
that's pretty much the same. my situation is impossible. but i believe in a God that laughs at the impossible. i have days and moments when my faith can't be shaken, then there are those moments when worry, doubt and fear slip in and grip me.

so i'm praying on that.

i did get good news today. i have a client who was just preapproved for a loan and is ready to purchase. i have another i'll be taking out next week, one who is working on securing financing...today i also got two referrals. One buyer, one renter.
You see?? on the verge.

there is always opportunity to complain. but i'm not taking the bait.
my children are good. i'm getting really busy with the young folx
at my church, and the music thing.

i need to buy a car. get this, i called leron
he's a car salesman. lol.
i told him i wanted to buy a car, i figured i'd
give him some business. he told me he'd "have to think about it" and that he wasn't sure he "wanted to see me." i just laughed. silly man.i'm not gonna buy a car there, i just wanted to see what he was gonna say.
but yeah, my hoopty is getting sick. that Honda done me good and i just don't want her to
die a horrible death...she deserves to RIP. *hehehe
maybe she can hold on til january??? i dunno.

i'm tired of the verge. i'm tired of the drawing board...
i'm ready for the next thing.

~chani-diamonds-girl (lol)

PRECIOUS

2006-10-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

i just thought i'd share this photo of my babies...
well my nephews (but they r like my babies!)

aren't they precious???

CHANDRA

2006-10-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

Meanining of CHANDRA: Eminent, Illustrious.

that's pretty kool!

two sides of me

2006-10-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

i feel very strongly like i am more than one person.
now don't get me twisted...lol. i'm not admitting to some multiple personality disorder or n e thing, lol. it's just that...i'm so in tune with my "inner me."

on one hand, i'm clear about so many things in life. i know what is right, and wrong. i know how to make decisions, i know how to advise people younger than me. i know exactly what i desire in a mate...and i'm ultra atriculate when it comes to writing my thoughts...i'm firm (mostly) when disciplining my children, about my faith, and business. i learn quickly, and i'm good at alot of things....

then there is this other side of me that keeps messing things up for me.
i get worried, flighty and even passive when it comes to matters of the heart and body.
i'm overly emotional at times and allow my self to be taken advantage of in more ways than one.
when it comes to speaking my thoughts...everything gets jumbled. i mean i have been told that i speak well...but they don't know my struggle. because i think faster than i can put it all together verbally...lol. i'm easily influenced in some situations, i allow guilt or emotions or feeling bad for someone else make me say yes in situations where my heart is screaming a resounding "HELL NO!" this is the side of me that hasn't grown up, that is still a sixteen year old girl.

this is the side of me that my ex husband always manipulated in my past. the side that many people (mainly men) tap into when they see a hint of its existence.

it seems like in the situations that i need to be the strongest is when this side of me takes over.
i'm so angry about being like this. the strong side of me is down right pissed off! i know better than to be a pushover...to allow others to make up my mind for me. i'm way too strong willed, strong minded. but this achilles heel, persists.
what is it? how do i change it...i have been trying to pep talk myself. i've tried to just do it...i've tried a bunch of angles at fixing this problem...even a prayer here and there.

that's the problem...i just gotta commit this to prayer.

do u have a similar problem?

saying goodbye sux

2006-10-01T19:06:00.000-05:00

i got home from california last night.
i had the opportunity to say "goodbye" to my grand daddy.
(remember the one who was paying my cell bill)

i thought that i was going to be ok. i thought i was not gonna take it so hard. well i was wrong.
my heart was and is just broken. the moment i walked in the house, i saw pictures of my granddaddy on the counter. the fam had to decide which to use on the program...
i was trying to get something to eat and all of a sudden my hunger subsided and my eyes filled up...
i had to run outside so my gramma didn't see me cry.
then at the wake, i snuck in ahead of the family because i didn't wanna fall out in front of everyone when i saw his body in the casket.
i stood in the back and saw his profile in the casket and felt like someone punched me in my stomach....

that's only a small portion of what my last 4 days were like. but he was buried in the National Cemetery. They let us stand and watch as they lowered his casket into a vault, and then the vault in the ground...
i kept saying, "That's it...that's it."
the finality is unbelievable....i just had a few more things i needed to say to him.
i just wanted to stand at his coffin and keep rubbing his chest longer than i did and never leaving.

i wasn't ready to say goodbye for the LAST time, i wasn't ready for the casket to close, i wasn't ready to see him the LAST time...i wasn't ready to watch his remains disappear into the earth...

fam, i just wasn't ready.
i'm still not. but it's over.

i'm so glad that i believe that i will see my grand daddy again in heaven...so our goodbye is not final. but never the less...saying good bye to someone i love so much, is the worst thing i've ever experienced.

*the pic is my grand daddy and mommy

fyi

2006-09-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

just wanted u all to know my grand daddy died a few hours ago.
i feel like i don't know what to do.
i have to leave for california this weekend.
pray for our family.

~chan

The Hapz With Diamonds??

2006-09-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

so...
i figured i'd blog and update u all a little bit.
it looks like before Christmas i'll be returning to the blog world full force (or at least with more force..lol)
i am stilllllllllllll in the home buying process which is CRAZY. but God.

where do i start???

well i'm happy. the kids are GREAT, my twinz just turned 6 yesterday!!!
*clapping*
and u know me, so u KNOW i'm throwing yet anotha party...lol
but it'll b this weekend at an undisclosed location and an undisclosed
time and date (i have internet stalkers....*smh)
but i've invited about 10 kids and i already got my goodie bags all
set up. i think my daddy is buying tha cake and i'm doing the rest...
the place that we are going will entertain the kids and that's a load off
at least i don't have to get a clown or get up and act silly myself to
keep them happy....*i've done that in the past too..lol*

since the twinz are in 2 classes i had to take 48 cupcakes to school.
i couldn't get over the number of cupcakes...i'm still in shock. (lol)
but they had a GREAT time and that's all i care about. :)

i have two other properties to show her...so i'm just believing it will still work out.

my kids are loving school and want to sign up for EVERYTHING. i feel lost cause i want them to do everything they wanna do, but i just can't. we missed football season, but basketball season is here and my daughter wants to dance, and they all wanna do the SCOUTS and they are all in drama class through my church. Nothing is free mind you, so it can be overwhelming at times.
So i'm just trying to figure out what to say yes to and what to say next time to....hmmm???

i bought Beyonce's cd "BDAY" and u already know what I'm gon say huh??? I LOVEDED IT!!! lol yes, that's right I wrote LOVE-DED...lol
two songs on there i could do without, but i really dig it.
it's definitely different but everynow and then me and the kids put it
on and be gettin bodied!! lol
we all be dancin and laughin at each other *priceless*
oooh...and i got it at walmart b4 they sold out so i got the dvd too!

um les see....what else? i'm still in luv wit myspace. oh well....i luv my fam and we really keep in touch thru it. also i'm singing in a new group...which is great. it's me, another woman (Tasha) who brings out the ABSOLUTE best in me and a great guy (Marcus)...who plays for us and ALWAYS can hear our parts and help us. (he'z da bomb!)
we already got a gig on sunday...can u believe it??
God ain't no joke when He do what He do!!!

i used to direct the youth choir and b the youth director at my church a few years back. i was ousted out of the director position and resigned from the choir position. well, i have been ask to step back in....and honestly i'm amazed and grateful and happy to step into place.
we are doing a back to skool skate next month and we are starting our own Gospel Cafe' in conjunction with a much larger and established cafe' that runs in philly...

so things are moving. you know, that's how life is.
it moves and we can either stand with our jaws dropped as it rushes by
or we can grab the reigns and move with it.
i kept feelin stagnant, my growth didn't feel evident....
but in time all things come to the light, and i'm seeing the light.
that's a great thing.

oh b4 i run...on the dating front (since i alwayz tell u ALL my biz)
i am totally single. i done had to kick Leron to tha curb for the
ump-teenth time. *hehehe*
a nice guy met me (u like how i put that) and he has
not been shy in pursuing me. while it is nice, right now i'm
so clear on the fact that now is just not the time in my life
for anything serious. he's sweet tho, and saved, and got a good job.
In the meantime, i'm single and enjoying being mommy and
making something worthwhile out of my life.

whew! long post, but i had a lot to tell u...more to come REAL soon.

Chan "Diamonds, rubies....n so on"

Can't Stop Crying (poetic prose)

2006-09-14T20:11:00.000-05:00

*a song inspired this...and altho i've had all these feelings before, it really isn't that bad right now, i'm moving on in my life and i'm very happy to be FREE.
You made me cry
so many times.
loving u wasn't easy,
gave u my whole life.
i wish u appreciated
the woman i am.
prayed and stood by your side
and today i stand alone.
your babies i carried
make it hard to let go.
another man...
sees what you left of me.
i remember feeling
like i wasn't good enuf.
what did she have on me?
u said goodbye
like
everything is alright.
and when it's all over
i still stand alone
tears
rolling
down
my face,
trickles down my pillow
an endless stream.
and i don't even
want u no more
just want the hurt to go
just want the rewards
for being so good in love.
and right when i think
it's all over,
these eyes well up
the dam breaks
the flood falls...
a broken heart
that can't be mended.
a broken woman
that just don't get it
why?
i glanced in the mirror
and i'm entranced at
the glassy eyes looking back
trying to trap
those illusive drops
but
they
won't
be
held
back
for the last coupla years
i haven't stopped cryin
and just cause u
can't see the tears
don't mean a thing
cause
i'm cryin inside.
somewhere there's healing for me
the mourning 's gon' leave...
these precious tears
i don' cried have
been counted and
are worst than blood
on your hands...
i'm wait'n
but for now
it hurts so bad
that i
cant help but cry...
Chandra Wood 9/06

checkin in

2006-09-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

just wanted to come thru and say hey to all u blogger people.
i turned 26 on friday, and it was a nice day.
well it rained pretty much all day...and i laid around and did nothing.
i'm not too mad about that cause that was all i wanted to do anyway.
i did take myself out to the cheese cake factory and yesterday
someone took me to see that movie CRANK...which was out of control, by the way.
but, my cousin met me at the cheesecake factory and we had a nice dinner...
we both did a lot of talking and reflecting about where we are in our lives now
at 26 and being single moms and the future and all that.
overall it was a nice day.
i'm blessed to have seen another year and i'll catch up wit u folx in a little.
something wonderful is in the works, we'll talk soon. :)

in the meantime enjoy ur labor day!
luv u!
~chan

unfinished product...

2006-08-17T20:37:00.000-05:00

i wrote this poem a few months back.. i never finished it... i wasn't pleased with it...
what do u think??

i guess i'm a romantic
but what is romance
but sumthing i seen on a movie?

cause i got a LOVE JONES
that just won't go away.
i try to hide it
but it comes back
BEFORE SUNSET.
and i
CAN'T HARDLY WAIT
to hear you say sweet
lyrics from your
BEAUTIFUL MIND.

and baby ever since you left
my REALITY BITES.
so i'm kinda
WAITING TO EXHALE
hoping deep down
that you'll
RETURN TO ME.
they keep saying i
should give this up...

but they
NEVER BEEN KISSED
by you.
and people SAY ANYTHING
they want to me
i know it's cause
they don't know how a
LOVE JONES
can be

like...WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
i was dreaming about you
and there was that day
u took my breath away...

but i'm STILL BREATHING
and with every breath
i breathe hope
of a TRUE LOVE.

poetry

2006-08-11T03:31:00.000-05:00

bet u thought that would hurt me
and i gotta admit
i entertained the thought
of letting ur intentions
live
but for once i'm realizing
you can't hurt me...
only i can

it's a decision

unavoidable hurt happens in life
like sickness
fear
death
but you?

naw.
nope.
go 'head n move on

replace me
ignore me
flaunt -it-up-in-my face.

but i'm good.

i love
(d)
support
(ed)
encourage
(d)
YOU

it's your loss...
and this time
it's not poor me,
but you.

postin up

2006-07-28T00:33:00.001-05:00

hey guys...
i don't expect that i have readers anymore. which is probably a blessing...cause it gives me the chance to be more genuine, in that i don't have to consider who's reading.
i wanna have something to say...and there is much going on in my life. yet, i choose to be short with my words.

i'm in an introspective stage of life. lots of prayer and consideration and questions.
it's a good place to be tho.
i'm physically tired, working nights at the hospital, days at the office and being mommy every other minute. i'm grateful for my little ones. i'm working to get to the point i can work less and mommy more.

well i'm gonna sign off. God is good and no matter what else happens that is what's important to remember. stay lifted up everybody!
learn love,
chan

Something worthwhile to share....

2006-06-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

I said I wouldn't blog any more...and that is the truth for now.
I just thought I'd share my testimony, that I posted on myspace too.
God is really good and He is my priority above all else...above the pleasures
of the world above the accolades and affirmation of others...Christ!

i was in a near fatal accident yesterday.it involved only one car and a severe tire blowout.when i woke up, the car was completely out of control and spinning from the highway into the median towards trees and oncoming traffic. the vehicle was moving at over 70 mph.i couldn't think, and i believed i was gonna die. i could feel my heart racing in my throat and i was anticipating it ending in oncoming traffic. i opened my mouth and without thinking out of my soul i screamed...the only word that mattered, over and over and over...."JESUS"on about its 3rd spin, the car stopped, on it's own...never hitting a tree or another car.the tires exploded. front end damage...and mud and grass all over it. BUT aside from a sore foot, and a busted lip (my son) we were NOT touched!God is faithful and I and my family are alive todaybecause of JESUS.

Proverbs 18:10 says -
"The NAME of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous run into it, and they are safe!!

"if i don't see u, good morning, good afternoon and goodnight"

2006-06-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

i'm not going to be bloggin anymore ....at least not as of now.
so until i have something really pressing to share,
good morning, good afternoon and goodnight!
(i LOVE the Truman Show)

* feel free to check out my myspace or email me.

bad news and good news

2006-06-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

hey
there is a whole bunch going on in my life. much of which i'm not a liberty to share...
but one major thing is that i recently found out my grandfather isn't doing too well. (remember a few months back i told you he had been diagnosed with cancer?)
i spoke to him yesterday and he tried to sound like everything was ok. we were supposed to see each other the end of july...but the trip got moved up to the end of this moth because he isn't geting better. that's my grandaddy ya'll...:( My only grandaddy!!
is spite of all that, i have hope in God.
also, i wanted to come thru and share that as of today June 2nd, i am an official Real Estate Salesperson!! Yippie!! I was worried and stressed and couldn't sleep before the exam. I didn't get to study like I hoped I would and all that...but God worked it out.
just thought i'd share. *insert big cheesy grin*
the kids are good...i love them so much, they truly are my world, they motivate me!

keep us in ur prayers!!

oh and i am officially addicted to myspace *sorry blogspot*
i am luving how all my cousins (far and near) are all hooked up and luvin on each other in
the cyber world. Bigmom would be proud ya'll (if she could imagine what myspace is)lol.
i luv yall soo much! God really has His hand on our family!!

All you blogger people my myspace page is
www.myspace.com/chanichew

luv u

JoJo's Carnival Party!

2006-05-31T04:13:00.000-05:00

i tried to post some pix...but apparently it wasn't working. i tried to trouble shoot...but oh well. i can't figure out how to invite all u blogger people to view my ofoto album...does ne one know?
well anyway...we had a blast!

TODAY JONAH TURNED 4YRS OLD!!!

*LAWD I REMEMBER THIS DAY 4 YRS AGO!!!

i'm blessed to have him and all my kids. if u wanna c the pix lemme know and i'll email u the invite or send them thru yahoo messenger.

talk to u soon !

White men...the only real choice for succesful black women???

2006-05-26T01:11:00.000-05:00

I got an email with this interview in it. I don't know if any of you have read it, but if it is authentic it is mind blowing. Still even if it isn't it made me think a whole lot! I mean, could she possibly really mean this? Is there any truth to what she is saying? Do the most successful black women begin to feel the need to be with white men?(Dorothy Dandridge, Halle Berry, Iman, Serena Williams, Tyra, etc...)
I know Trina and I have joked about finding a good white man who could take care of us...but is that the only option for the next level of relationship most black women desire?? hmmm???
There is much to be said here, but I'll reserve my comments until later, but please tell me what you think after reading the interview , oh and keep enjoying the weekend.

Subject: Serena Williams Interview

Ms. Williams we are all interested in your new boyfriend.

There is no new boyfriend . I stopped playing with boys when I stopped dating black guys. I have a new man in my life and yes, he's white.

So you prefer to date white men instead of black guys?

Let's be real. If you are a successful black female you only have two choices....date outside of your race or date other successful black females.

Are you saying there are no successful black men to date?

Of course not but lets face it, if Oprah would date outside of her race she would be married with children now. The state of most black men is so low the only thing you can do is love them. Like a poor homeless dog. You can't expect it to protect you. You can only offer shelter and love and watch as our neighbor's pit-bull protects his home and family. I, unlike Oprah, am not forced to stay within those boundaries. I was born into a new generation of black women.

So Oprah is being forced to date Stedman?

All I can say is when you find a successful black women who is not married and does not have children it is because they refuse to accept the two choices. Some may go as far as marriage to a black guy but they realize divorce is inevitable so they do not have children. Or they have children with one and don't marry in order to preserve their wealth and good credit. Oprah is one of many who silently protests being stuck with such poor choices by refusing to marry and reproduce but you can see how much it hurts her. She's always giving away money to children's charities. I hope she makes the choice to marry a non-black soon so she can have a child of her own.

But you have decided to accept the two choices?

Yes. I grew up in California around the two extremes of wealth. If I could only get myself t o try the bisexual thing I would have been much happier in my relationships. Instead I dated black men. I loved many of them but they were just not suitable for marriage. Many of them were raised by women and had warped mentalities. So I finally had to date outside my race. When I moved to Miami, I accepted my status and dated men on my level.

What do you mean by warped mentalities?

Well, where do I begin? Many of them were raised predominantly by women and had this feminine/bisexual complex. Where they wanted to be treated like a female sometimes. For example, I would have the money & they would have the sex. I would teach them things. You know, all the things a woman likes a man to do, I would end up doing for them. Then if we would get into an argument, there would be a role reversal. All of a sudden, they would be the man wanting the respect of a king in his castle. Black men over the years have become less and less of value to black women both rich and poor. I predict in 10 years they will be obsolete. Now they serve little to no function and what little they can do, they don't want to do.

Why 10 years?

That's when going to a fertility clinic to get impregnated by a sperm donor will become as common and accessible as the flu shot. Women who want sex will do it with whoever they want (girl, guy, rich, poor, white ,black) and go to the bank (the sperm bank) when they are ready to have children. Even those who waited (like Oprah) will have fertilized eggs placed inVitro. That's the day the secret organization of women is waiting for. The day when men are 100% dis-empowered.

Are you apart of that organization?

No. They're a mostly white group. Plus that day for black men is practically here already. Black women are already raising 75% of the black population without a man. When fertility clinics become! e more affordable Black women will be standing in line. It will be just like plastic surgery. Everyone laughed at Michael Jackson but its becoming so popular now, that even poor blacks are getting work done...mostly breast reductions and liposuction.

So do you want men to be dis-empowered?

Heck, no! That's why I am with a white man now. I want a man to be a man and I am not going to settle for less just to stay within racial boundaries. A Black man in my position wouldn't do it so why should I. Don't get me wrong, I love black men. My father is black, I have dated black men all my life, and if I have a male child he will be part black. But my husband and I will raise him together so hopefully he will be a worthy choice for a worthy black female. Not the only choice, or "there's nothing better out there so I'll settle for this" choice. When you are successful you want the best. The best food, clothes, places to live etc. I want the best man also.

And you think the best man is a non-black man?

I think if there's a better choice for me, God would have shown me. I am in the public so I get to meet lots of people from all over the world athletes, Celebs etc. I am wealthy so I am invited and have traveled to the most prestigious events all over the world. Out of all those people, places and events....I had to choose the right man for me. Like it or not (with very few exceptions) a white man is the only real choice for a successful black female

Peace, Fun & Time and a Half

2006-05-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

things are looking up...
i'm happy me and my gurl are kool!!! friday my school is over and I take my final exam,
*biting my finger nails* I'm hoping for the best!
I'm also so excited about Memorial Day because the kids are off and my baby boy's birthday is May 31! Not to mention I'm working Sunday night which counts as the holiday! *cheering*
(somebody say holiday pay...babayyyy!...lol) and STILL be off Monday. lol (get wit it!)

speaking of which this weekend I am throwing him a Carnival Birthday Party.
Folx are gonna think I'm crazy...but, how long are your kids little?
I appreciate my kids so much now.
I feel like a sure 'nuff momma. I mean, I always loved them but didn't quite know how to appreciate them until the last 3 years. Growing up has taught me a lot, growing closer to God has challenged me mostly to be a good mother and probably losing my mother has made me always consider what legacy I'll leave my children when I'm gone. Spiritually first, but materially as well.
all that to say...we're gonna have fun and create memories while today is here,
u heard?
n e way, we are having a 15ft moon bounce, a person dressed as a "hobo clown", cotton candy, popcorn, games and face painting and I might be more excited then the kids. I done spent a month buying prizes...we counted last night and we have 55 prizes!
(dollar store and walmart, girrrl get on it!)
and the prizes are better than chuckie cheeses sorry prizes. you'll get two stickers for 500 tickets! humph! pishposh on that! lol
*ur girl is the queen of bargains and event planning...look out 4 tha pix!

So n e way, in the event that i'm too busy to check back in with you...have a WONDERFUL and BLESSED and mostly FUN Memorial Day Weekend.
ya'll know I luv u!

Hey there...

2006-05-20T23:10:00.000-05:00

There is some real highschool azz stuff going on in my life right now. But, I'm a bigger girl than all of it...so as much as it has frustrated me, I'm moving on. Que sera sera, u know?

On a happy note, I am halfway done my class and I will be taking my state exam the week after next! So pray for me, I'm sure it'll be fine. I decided to go to this class because a series of events turned me in this direction. I had not previously planned to do it. But my past 5 classes have sparked something in me, that I wasn't sure was there. I'm excited about the prospects.
I have an opportunity to work in a nonprofit organization as part of the leadership for a commmunity homeownership program. It's awesome.

Other than that stuff, things are good. I actually had a BEAUTIFUL mother's day. Much of my family, including a cousin from North Dakota and his new baby, as well as my brother and the twins were there. Also two old friends surprised my brother and I and showed up...that made my night. I smiled and laughed all day and night. It was just a very loving day. I won gift basket at church for being the youngest mother in tha building. :)
Then I sat and kissed and hugged my nephews the rest of the day.
It was nice just being around the people that I love!

Side note *** I am SO happy Danielle won America's Next Top Model!!!
I thought the black girl streak was over...lol. But I'm glad it ain't.
If they woulda chose Jade and her strong looking self I was gonna be hott!!
Then I'd have to wonder if you had to look like a sister of Naima, Eva, and Jade to win?? But Danielle is beautiful and she deserved it!! What do u think about it? ***Side note end

Alright ya'll.

It's gon' b alrite

2006-05-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

You ever had one of those moments when everything in your world just collides?
well that happened to me this past weekend.
Saturday, I had had a beautiful day spending time with my fam and friends at a cook out...
Towards the end of the day, when I shoulda been relaxing I was feelin my stress levels rising.

My kids were at the movies with my church youth ministry and I was trying to get a hold of my girl Trina to find out some pertinent info about a party we were invited to. My cell phone was off and that was stressful enuf. Every time I saw someone with a phone I tried to grab it to call her...when I finally reached her she had an attitude 'cause I wanted to know how to get there and how long it would be (since i had to get my kids, i knew i'd be late) so after hearing her fuss...the stress increased more. So I decided not to go.
On top of that, I wanted badly to spend time with my "boyfriend" and he promised that we would. However, after I picked up the kids from the church, dropped off someone and was on my way home it was about 10pm and he had NOT contacted me. When I called him, he didn't answer.I didn't wanna go out or anything...I just wanted to be with him and tell him how I was feeling. It was the day before mother's day and I was missing my mom so much.

My ride home was solemn. The kids had been tired out, so they were all sleep. And the radio was quiet, it was a full moon...all I could hear were my thoughts. I felt the tears in my eyes but I was still determined NOT to cry. It might seem like nothing but to me... it was overwhelming.
I thought about the people in my life, who I thought would be there forever but won't. I thought about the disappointment of being taken advantage of and not valued, I thought about so many things and of course missing my mother.
Once I got home, I tossed and turned in the bed until I fell asleep only to be awakened by a 1:30 am phone call from the man I was waiting to hear from.
He had no excuse or explanation...in fact somehow it was my fault that we weren't gonna see each other.I felt fire in my gut...even in my sleepy state. I hung up.

Life is full of a whole bunch of ups and downs...but those tears that were welling up seemed to be telling me something...like it's gonna be okay. Don't they say that the endorphines released when you cry help comfort and heal? Well, I don't know...but I know that a lot of the things I was thinking about still occur to me and hurt. But I know it's gon' be alrite.

*ps..I wanted to tell my best friend Greg thank you for ALWAYS being there 4 me.
Thank u 4 encouraging me last nite. i luv u.

Dear Mommy

2006-05-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to get to you for the last coupla hours and finally the day is calm enough that I can sit down and write a letter to you. Today is Mother's Day and well for the last coupla days you've been especially on my mind. It's not that I don't think of you everyday, and it's not that this holiday is my sole reminder...It's just that as I watch people buy things for their moms, the mall filled with last minute shoppers, and folx taking thier moms to eat or to the spa,
I long for you.
I could spend the time I have here to catch you up on all that's gone on in these past years...
but I won't do that.
Rather I'll just let you know what I would say to you if you were here...
Mommy, I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell you all about my problems, who I had a crush on and who broke my heart. I wanna talk to you about the moves I'm making in my life and if I'm being the best mom that I can be.
More than that mommy, I just wanna take you out. Sit in my car for a change...take a load off, let me drive. What do you wanna do? You know shopping is right up my alley...how bout some new shoes? Shoes For Her was our stop...wanna check in there? Or what about some figurines, I haven't bought any since, whew, it's been quite a while. But I've held on to "the beast" and the little egyptian girl u bought me at that show we went to.
I miss you so much...
I never got a chance to buy you that "just my size" bra...lol...we laughed about it, but I was really gonna get it. :)
And I know I promised you that I'd polish your toes, but I'll just take you to the spa and let them handle my light work...they'll do it much better anyway.
I miss lying in the bed with you and having our girl talks...letting our tears fall on our pillows.
I miss that.
You were right about LaMar...and real estate school and so much else. I just wanna tell you...mom you were right! I know you wouldn't say "I told you so" but I'd give anything to hear you say those words to me.
I went in a store today...a store that you loved. I almost gasped when I walked in...the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. I saw something.
I thought that if you were here I'd buy it for you. I knew you'd have loved it...mommy it was a beautiful shadow box frame that had this collage in it about mother's. I decided to buy it anyway and to have it engraved with your name on it...Happy Mother's Day.

I get angry sometimes, because I'll never hold u again...look down on ur head or make jokes with you. No more pictures of us...no more chatter about this and that. No more heart to hearts...
Who'll ever love me like that?
I think I've searched...in friendships and beyond.
Hoping to feel just a touch of what u gave me.
But what you left me with was a true understanding of what love is...that's why I can't settle for less for very long. Most importantly, you taught me that when no one else was there...JESUS.
I have never forgotten and He has brought me through.
I know I won't ever touch you here on this earth again...but just know that I thank God for you...that indeed I rise up and call you BLESSED and I wish that you were here so that I could tell you face to face.
I miss you, I love you...can't wait to see you again.

Chandra

Making Moves!!

2006-05-08T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hey there peoples!!
it's been a long time, i shouldn'ta left u.... (alrite that's corny)
But n e way, how u been??
I think it's been blog hiatus season as a couple of my good blog friends have been blogging a lot less, it's spring fever or something...I got it!

So let's see, what's going on?? Me? still hitting the gym and I promise to post new pix but maybe now, not until the first week of june. I felt like I wasn't losing, but a recent weigh in made me smile!!! It's working...phew!

The kids are doing good and Jonah will be 4 this month (did I tell u that?) and I'm throwing him a carnival party!! I'm so excited! I can't even tell u...hit me up if u want an evite. We are gonna have at least 7 games, and a craft table, a prize table and a face painting station...
We're having hotdogs, cotton candy, and pop corn....and I think a clown on stilts..lol
The kids r gonna be scurred...why do we get clowns? Kids DON'T like them!

Also, I am starting real estate class next week, Trina is gonna be taking the classes with me. It is a two week course. Getting into real estate has always been a long term goal, but let me tell you how God has truly been ordering my steps and I'm going strictly because of His guidance...it was never in MY plan. So it is another exciting chapter in my life. side note: TTD...girl, you really should try a good revival. If you go expecting you will come away changed and empowered!

Speaking of which, church has been wonderful...but on another level. I don't know..maybe it's me. Someone asked me to sing that song Yesterday by Mary Mary in July...
I thought that was great...When I first heard that song,
I said to myself "One day I might have that kind of vocal range!" Them girls be sangin!!
So I'm praying on that.

Well...everything else is kool. I just got involved in another business venture too. :)
A sista got her hand in a little of everything. lol. The business is called Fortune High-Tech Marketing, it's a pretty lucrative endeavor and I'ma work it a little sumthing.
If you're interested in finding out about it you can by attending a tele-conference:

The conference is Wednesday May 10th @ 10:00pm (sharp)
If you have a computer with internet access you need to go to
http://Presenternet.com
Click on ATTEND A PRESENTATION
The room name: AKINYELA
password : 12345
enter your name
THEN CALL 641-920-3223
AND LISTEN IN...THAT'S IT.

If you don't have internet access at home, that's ok....
just call 219-990-6983
AND LISTEN IN!
Lemme know what u think...my business website is http://fhtmus.com/chandra_b_1999

I'll be around, I miss ya'll!!

Just saying hello...

2006-05-02T09:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much time to blog...
I have been really busy and trying to get things in order here in my life.
I'm still working out and tryna get this weight off of me.

My church is currently in revival and yesterday was the first day
it really was wonderful and the message really challenged me.
I was able to pray with my friend who has been depressed and feeling unloved and I was able to take the time out to talk with her and pray with her...and that really blessed me.

Otherwise everything is good with me...I hope all you in blogland are doing good...
writing funny posts, tagging folx and the whole nine.
I'll be back shortly.

smooches!!

When it rains...

2006-04-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

The sun is coming out now...after two days of dreariness and rain.
They say the rain is good...the earth needs it....it's cleansing.
Good sleeping weather and weather to cuddle with your beloved.
I prefer the sun tho. It just lifts my spirits and makes me wanna go out, clean,
shop, workout, something lively and exciting. I understand that I have to accept the rain tho.

My morning was filled with tension. Last night I engulfed myself in each moment I was awake...I was with someone I love so much. I just took in the seconds of pleasure....the way it felt to be near him, to hear him breathe,his scent, the way all concious thought just faded into mindless bliss. As our time drew to an end...I started feeling that tugging in my gut, that I hate to recognize.That feeling that says, "this isn't it."

I remember when I was in school...grade school and highschool, I used to write my name with the object of my affection's last name behind it. Practiced my signature...even our future children's name...
It seems so silly now.
Except on many occassions, I imagine him standing at the alter...waiting for me.
I picture how I'll paint the walls in the bedroom for his sons. (so they feel at home)
He told me I had the kinda fingers he wanted to put a ring on...
The red flags have been waving since the onset but the benefit of the doubt has had veto power.So...here I am.
Absolutely enamored with him, yet painfully aware that neither of us is fully
commited to the other. Altho in my heart...I want to be.

Well anyway...church was good today. It was a needed change of venue since I woke up this morning with a tension headache. So I'm feeling better...I need some quiet time with God. I need to refocus on a whole lot and I think I might need to scream into my pillow tonite...and I'll be just fine. :)

back to blogging

2006-04-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

ok...what tha hizzi...i'll post sumthing or other.

I was just reading a few blogs, and well...
I don't know what's going on in this world. whew!
For one thing, I'm an awfully "dry" blogger compared to some of this other salacious stuff...
I came across some chiks blog..and she had some naked pix on it. B4 I could hit the X or the back arrow my male cousin and ex almost knocked me over tryna get to the computer.
They was like.."scroll down!...who she?....you know her?" and so on.... *SMH* lawd have mercy...

'haven't said much about my "dating" life...and let's just say the saga continues.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love two men ya'll.
For two different reasons, in two different ways.
SHUT UP. I don't wanna hear all the this and the that....
They both know how I feel.
Chances are tho, I'm gonna end up with out either of them.
I'm prepared for that, altho one has outright said he ain't going no where...
and well the other one is acting like it.
How I'ma call him and tell him it's over...and he call me the next morning like,
"Hey baby?"
What's a girl to do?....Prolly not post this blog, or at least hope they don't read it. Ah, well

As for more important things...I went to see my nephews in Maryland...and I swear to you that I held them little boys for about 5 hours...
And even when I gave them back I felt like, "NOOOOO!!! I can still hold them"
Ugh! I called my daddy and whispered to him,
"I'ma smuggle them out when C and H aren't lokin." lol
He laughed at me. I am so in love...I musta kissed away all their kisses...They were like, "AUNTIE!!! ENUF ALREADY!!!"
All I could think about was, when I'ma see them again?? I haven't felt like this...
well, since I had my own. I'm so happy they are home and healthy. God really is good.

My kids are good too. It's their spring break tho and I'm bout to lose my mind!!!
SCHOOOL.....PLEEEASSSEE.....COME BACK TO ME!!!
Listen, whoever created school was a dag on genius!!
I'm telling u, my kids are gonna be in some sorta summer school/camp too...sumthing!
I'm not playing. I used to suffer thru being a single mom of 4 non-school aged kids...
But no more...and NEVER again!!!
*praise break* Hallelujah!

On a pitiful note,
I been feeling extra fat this past week. Just like ugh, blah!
This is definitely one of those weeks u wanna just run away and fall off the
weight loss train..lol. I'm tryna hang in there...I gotta get these kids back to school...
they messin me all up!!!(excuses)

So that's what's going on with me...just a blog about nothing.

hmmm... that's it!
EUREKA! (lol...EUR-FRICKIN-REEKA)
This is a seinfeld-esqe blog.

Whadda u know? I done found my niche! (he,he,he)

Oh yeah, I was tagged

2006-04-14T20:39:00.000-05:00

My girl ova here tagged me and I just been busy and haven't gotten around to responding. Forgive me girl, u know I "luv" u...lol
So...

Ten Characteristics of MY "perfect" MAN

Believer and Follower of Jesus Christ
Independent (Steadfast)
Sober
Honest (Faithful)
Attentive
Financially secure
Drives legally (you wouldn't believe how many times this is an issue..lol)
Owns something (a car, a home...something)
Intelligent (Articulate)
Loves Children and/or has some of his own

**************************************************************************************************

Hello my name is..."Chan"

I was raised in...New Jer"usalem"

The reason you are reading about me is...who knows?

Right Now I'm working on...fitting my favorite jeans again

A project that is due tomorrow...easter baskets (that's fun tho)

The first thing I do in the morning is...either leave work or roll over

The last thing I do at Night is...either work or call my "boo"

My Momma always said..."This too will pass."

I love it when people...are genuine

I hate it when people...are jerks, liars or phony

If you ever see me walking down the street ask me about...my kids

This one time at band camp I...almost passed out after doing our routine over and over with little water in 85 degree heat.(my mom wouldn't let me quit)

You see this scar? I got this when I...fell out tha window (loong story)

My notable run-in with the law...getting arrested 2x (for traffic warrants...lol)

The last time I swore I'd never drink was after...riding away with strangers.

(don't ask....and SHUT UP Kataylor & Officer Carter)

Future Projects and Plans...ministry, real estate, event planning, marriage

And before I leave I'd like to give a shout out to...Everyone who reads my blog.

I'm tagging...Anyone who wants to do it!

Holiday Drama

2006-04-12T16:47:00.000-05:00

Getting all ready for Easter and Spring Break and loving it.

I had some drama the other night. Since the two men that it involves may read this I'm not gonna say too much. But I tell you, I really felt like an innocent bystander...although both of them were responding to feelings about me.
I guess there were some mixed signals sent on my part...I don't know.
I tried to be more clear with both of them this time, hopefully they hear me.
People only hear what they wanna hear anyway (including me)
I learned that the hard way. Ugh, why can't stuff ever be simple?

Other than that things are good. My nephew Christopher will be leaving the hospital this weekend and you KNOW I'm on my way to Maryland. :) *clapping*
The kids are having an Easter Egg hunt tommorow at school and they are all happy. I remember those days, parties at school were the best...

If I don't come back thru til after the holiday, HAVE A BLESSED EASTER!!

Hi ya'll

2006-04-10T07:28:00.000-05:00

i know i've been away for a while, but i decided to check back in with you.
it's hard to put in to words all that's going on in my life right now. although it is mostly an internal thing...lots of spiritual and emotional and physical transition going on.
as for blogging, i think i was beginning to get too carried away with approval.
i maybe didn't show it much, but there was always a struggle between writing about the stuff bloggers wanna read about, or just have an honest expression of who i am.
i know what it should be..but if bloggers are honest, we all consider our readers when typing away.

Anyway, I hosted a baby shower on saturday. It was at a local golf course. I was running around like a chicken with no head. LOL. For 48 hrs b4 the shower I was doing favors, I did about 50 of them. Filled them with candy, wrapped the tulle, tied ribbons and a tag on each one. Then I cooked italian meatballs...(which a guy later told me were "wacking"...it's a good thing) and I made a beef, tomato and cheese taco dip, I made 48 cupcakes (for a game) 4 of them had plastic babies in them. Those four people won a prize. I filled up a big baby bottle with gumballs..for a guess how many gumballs contest....hmm...among other things. I got to the place early to decorate and so on...lol, i had on high heels moving tables and chairs and putting up banners and the like...then after all that I ran the shower, the ice breaker, the games and so on. I was tired after that. My calves and my thighs have not yet recovered...ugh! I was rubbing them down with that pain reliever stuff last night.
But it was all so worth it, when my girl hugged me and thanked me...And several of the attendees (that I didn't know) told me that I did a wonderful job. :)

on another note,i'm starving. i couldn't figure out what i was feeling when i woke up...but after a series of elimination, i figured it's hunger that i'm experiencing. normally, i'd be at the gym by now, but this hunger was so crippling i had to wait. i'm not a big breakfast eater, but i think yogurt might trick my body into thinking i actually ate. maybe a carnation instant (yuck) breakfast. i have some downstairs and it'll definitely make this feeling go away...hmmm...
ne way, today at my gym is the weigh in for a 6 week weight loss challenge. so I entered the joint. there are 3 pots of money up for grabs, and I totally intend on grabbing one (lol)
the weigh back is May 22...so I'll let u know what's up.

i'm actually very excited about EASTER or as i like to call it, Resurrection Day...
which by the way, why is it that only christian holy days have been turned into, like, national days of fun?? santa claus and toys, easter bunny and candy....*smh*
any who...moving on.
i'm excited. i love the season. the reminder that Jesus was so devoted to me that he purposely died at calvary. (oh boy there goes the readers...lol) but honestly, i am grateful, and i am challenged about my devotion to HIM.

i haven't sung in the choir for a while, until recently. i recommited and have been singing ever since. i think naturally, i'm a leader and a soloist. BUT, i'm not pushy (altho i can be) i'm really careful about that, especially because i'm the pastor's daughter. so i just fall back...do my part and chill. well, a few sundays ago i was in the congregation. singing during communion. (everybody sings) and a lady from the choir was in front of me. after service she grabbed me and said after hearing me, she had a song she wanted me to sing on Easter. i thought that was nice of her to ask me. when you sing...you always want to. i mean, i love every opportunity i'm given. but i learned that i don't have to force any one to notice me...that promotion and noteriety really comes from God. i guess it's a small example, but never the less.

i have a praise report!!!! my nephew Jeremiah is home!!!! yippie!! Christopher isn't home yet, but he is out of the isolette and gaining weight. He's on his way out too...just thought i'd share. I heard Jeremiah drinking his bottle over the phone and i just cried. lol. small victories.i know it sounds corny, but i count my blessings. :)

well i guess that's about all....
love ya'll and i'll catch up wit u again real soon!